Peanut1 Posted December 14, 2014 Posted December 14, 2014 Hey guys, (This is my first time posting in any kind forum so I hope I'm doing this correctly ) So... my boyfriend of 2 years is currently giving me the dreaded silent treatment. We got into a really petty argument and he reacted by blocking me on whatsapp on Tuesday...it's now Sunday and still no communication. He always gives me the silent treatment and I have explained to him it upsets me and for a while it stopped but it happened again this time. Every time he has done so, it's me who always ends up calling him but this time I held onto my pride thinking he will contact me on Friday for my birthday yet I received nothing! The only communication I did get from him is a tag on instagram where he told a acquaintance of ours that we looked alike (he knows it gets me mad whenever he says it- in a jokey way). That was on Thursday yet I was stubborn and didn't reply because 1) I was still blocked on whatsapp 2) I wanted him to talk to me properly instead of taking the coward way out and pretending everything was fine. So now I'm stuck here crying my eyes out because I am tired of it yet I love him and I know he loves me, it's just the way he treats me after an argument that's the problem. I don't know what to do or how long it's going to take for him to contact me. What do you guys think? Any advise would be appreciated. Thank you if you've read this far!
CC12 Posted December 14, 2014 Posted December 14, 2014 Do you think that's a healthy way to react to an argument? Complete silent treatment for close to a week, except to passive-aggressively make a jab at you, and ignore your birthday? That's very hurtful. That's not just him needing time to himself, that's him punishing you. It's really cruel and unfair. I also think you're doing the wrong thing by sitting and stewing and not contacting him either. When he blocked you (on only one method of communication) why didn't you say, "Wtf, why did you block me?" Or when he blew you off on your birthday, why didn't you call him on it? Calmly demand communication. He's your boyfriend and he owes you an explanation. I understand that you don't want to be the first one to break down and contact him, since he's the one who initiated the silent treatment. But the result is that you sit around and wait for him and wonder what's going on with him. And it's concerning to me that you say, "We love each other, the only problem is the way he treats me." Yeah, of course it's a problem. It's a big enough problem that you should consider whether you want to stay in a relationship with a person who cuts contact after a fight and punishes you. What was the fight about, anyway? 3
Radu Posted December 14, 2014 Posted December 14, 2014 (edited) OP, look up passive-aggressive behaviour on google and see how much of it applies to your bf. Edited December 14, 2014 by Radu 2
d0nnivain Posted December 14, 2014 Posted December 14, 2014 I would reach out & tell him that his rude behavior on your birthday amount to a cowardly way for him to break up with you but that being the bigger person you are going to do it for him & that it's offer. Really, that behavior is unacceptable, petty & immature. You can't build a future on that & you shouldn't try. 1
Author Peanut1 Posted December 14, 2014 Author Posted December 14, 2014 I don't know how to reply to each one of you so ill do it all in one message thank you for replying! <3 CC12: No i don't think it's a healthy way of reacting and I've told him so and for 6 months he stopped. My mistake was telling him it bothered me because then he can punish me with it. I do want to contact him but as I said I've had enough of being the first to break down. I might text him and tell him how he's making me feel. As for the argument, it was so silly and pathetic. I had a graduation party and when it was finished he helped take leftovers such as food and drinks back to my house in his car. Later on in the week he said that he had taken the remaining two orange juice boxes and I was surprised that he had done that. I wasn't even mad, I just told him that if he wanted them he could have just asked but all was well and good. Later on in the week, he mentioned it again and I told him that I was still surprised he did that ( not because of what he took but that he didn't have manners to ask) and then we got into the argument. He couldn't understand why I was surprised and upset but I told him I wasn't upset and it just escalated from there. My phone cut off and then he whatsapped me saying what I said was pathetic and he wasn't bothered to call me back and I replied saying 'good, I don't want to hear your nonsense anyway'-and that's when I got blocked. Radu: Thanks. I looked it up and he only relates to it through the silent treatment. d0nnivain: It's true. I don't want to build a future with him knowing that every time we argue this is what I need to expect. In other senses he is great, it's just this part that brings him down. I am going to message him although I'm still not sure what I am going to say
CC12 Posted December 15, 2014 Posted December 15, 2014 My mistake was telling him it bothered me because then he can punish me with it. I hope you can understand how messed up this is. You didn't make a mistake. You should be able to tell your partner things like this without fear of them using it against you when they're mad. It should be okay to appear vulnerable to your partner of all people, because they should be a safe space for you. If you have to pretend like nothing ever bothers you, you're going to have a very sad, frustrating relationship. 4
Radu Posted December 15, 2014 Posted December 15, 2014 Radu: Thanks. I looked it up and he only relates to it through the silent treatment. d0nnivain: It's true. I don't want to build a future with him knowing that every time we argue this is what I need to expect. In other senses he is great, it's just this part that brings him down. I am going to message him although I'm still not sure what I am going to say Either way, this is a very dysfunctional way to act, he is essentially focused on 'winning' the argument. Ppl do not generally get better with age, they get worse ... this type of behaviour gets more accentuated. Also, i have seen this type of behaviour in my family and i can tell you it is basically about manipulation. I'm sorry to tell you, but you don't really have a future with this guy [at least not a good one]. 2
Els Posted December 15, 2014 Posted December 15, 2014 Well, the first thing that strikes me is that both of you need to learn to stop escalating arguments. That argument about the orange juice boxes just went straight down the crapper, there was no attempt on either side to de-escalate. Now, that being said, it does not justify what he did to you for the remainder of the week. It is okay to take a couple hours or even a day to cool off. An entire week is just ridiculous and reeks of him trying to 'punish' you. As you say yourself: No i don't think it's a healthy way of reacting and I've told him so and for 6 months he stopped. My mistake was telling him it bothered me because then he can punish me with it. Think about it. Do you really want to be with someone who uses your vulnerabilities against you? I think you should just move on, honestly. No need to even tell him since he has already blocked you. In your next (hopefully healthier) relationship, do remember to learn to de-escalate arguments, and do know that someone who cares about you will not purposefully use your vulnerabilities against you.
Diezel Posted December 15, 2014 Posted December 15, 2014 It's one thing to have a silent treatment after an argument (I've done it before - but as a way to take time and process it), but it's another thing altogether to stay silent throughout the birthday. That's an automatic cease-fire. This is at 2 years. Imagine at 10. Drop him. Drop him now while you still stand a chance to walk away. 1
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