BlueFox Posted December 13, 2014 Share Posted December 13, 2014 I'm worried about my husband. Everything seems fine for about a week at a time, and we'll play games and do creative things together and discuss life openly and have incredible sex... And then he gets in these terrible moods where he won't talk to me or respond to my touch, sometimes actively avoiding me. He tells me he is stressed (he is self-employed and work has been a pain but I have taken on as much as I can) but this has been going on much longer than those issues. He is incredibly attracted to one of our female friends, and I suspect this has a lot to do with it. His mood often deteriorates when she texts him, and he engages with her and gets her advice on every little thing. I cannot tell him to "dump her" as a friend, which I would sometimes like to do but feel it would just make him resent me. Our marriage was beautiful for 4 years--he wrote me poetry and helped with chores while I did similar things for his work, etc. But the last six months... I don't want a divorce, but I can't do this love/hate dance much longer. It's breaking me. Is there anything I can do to fix this or is this the beginning of the end? Link to post Share on other sites
CarrieT Posted December 14, 2014 Share Posted December 14, 2014 He is incredibly attracted to one of our female friends, and I suspect this has a lot to do with it. You are correct, 100%. He is having an emotional affair (if not physical) which pulls him out of his commitment and relationship with you. I cannot tell him to "dump her" as a friend Why not? but feel it would just make him resent me. But look how he is treating you otherwise. He is choosing her over you. Our marriage was beautiful for 4 years--he wrote me poetry Bring out those old poems, look him in the eyes, and explain that his communications with your "friend" are a detriment to the situation and that you miss the person that wrote those poems. Fight to get him back now or lose him forever. 5 Link to post Share on other sites
jackslife Posted December 15, 2014 Share Posted December 15, 2014 Rather than instantly thinking affair (emotional or otherwise), have you considered he may be depressed. Work or money worries could easily affect him and stress is a real cause of depression. Link to post Share on other sites
d0nnivain Posted December 15, 2014 Share Posted December 15, 2014 Is marriage counseling on option? If you are seeing a cause & effect response from his interactions with this woman, as the wife, yes you can ask for limits to be placed on the friendship. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
xxoo Posted December 15, 2014 Share Posted December 15, 2014 I cannot tell him to "dump her" as a friend, which I would sometimes like to do but feel it would just make him resent me. Yes, you can. He may resent you, or it may save your marriage. Either way, at least you'll move forward from walking on eggshells around your own husband. There is a good chance your doormat behavior (tolerating the adolescent crush he has on a friend and accompanying moodiness) affects his view of you. He values you less and takes you for granted. Woman up and show him you won't tolerate this nonsense, and you won't share his attention with another woman. 7 Link to post Share on other sites
Elliotte Posted December 16, 2014 Share Posted December 16, 2014 Normally I would caution against jumping to the "affair" accusation, but I am curious why you are sure he is so attracted to this friend? Did he just up and tell you some friend you guys have turns him on, as a married man!? I am not going to say he won't find other women attractive from time to time, but telling your wife you really got the hots for this friend you regularly text back and forth with is a boneheaded move that speaks volumes about how screwed up the dude's reasoning is! Link to post Share on other sites
Author BlueFox Posted December 16, 2014 Author Share Posted December 16, 2014 Normally I would caution against jumping to the "affair" accusation, but I am curious why you are sure he is so attracted to this friend? Did he just up and tell you some friend you guys have turns him on, as a married man!? I am not going to say he won't find other women attractive from time to time, but telling your wife you really got the hots for this friend you regularly text back and forth with is a boneheaded move that speaks volumes about how screwed up the dude's reasoning is! We both used to hang out with her a lot, but after a while it became clear that it was mostly them doing stuff with me as a reluctant third wheel. He started asking if he could go hang out with her by himself when I said I didn't want to--I told him it made me jealous, and he admitted that he did in fact have feelings for her. I told him I didn't want him to see her without me around, but they text back and forth a lot regardless of anything I have said to either of them. ...He is going to start counseling this week, though. I hope it helps. Link to post Share on other sites
stillmind Posted December 16, 2014 Share Posted December 16, 2014 Friends shouldn't come between couples. You're perfectly within your rights to tell him to dump her as a friend, immediately. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
jackslife Posted December 16, 2014 Share Posted December 16, 2014 ^^^^^^^^ .... and tell her in no uncertain terms that you are uncomfortable with the situation and don't want her near your husband. If they both choose to ignore this then I think you have your answer. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Rainbowlove Posted December 16, 2014 Share Posted December 16, 2014 he admitted that he did in fact have feelings for her. I told him I didn't want him to see her without me around, but they text back and forth a lot regardless of anything I have said to either of them. Major red flag here. He has admitted he has feelings for her and he continues to disrespect your wishes to stop communication with her and she also disregards and disrespects you. This, my dear, is no friend of yours or your husbands. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
kayloraine Posted December 21, 2014 Share Posted December 21, 2014 I had a problem like this in my 2nd year w my husband. It was right before I got pregnant, he was distant and talking with his "friends cousin" I didn't care who the hell it was I went theu convos behind his back and it was very flirty. I stood my ground and it was a nasty fight but he stopped talking to her. And things got a lot better. Now she's a crackhead. Hah 1 Link to post Share on other sites
pink_sugar Posted December 22, 2014 Share Posted December 22, 2014 I agree, he needs to stop this immediately and distance himself from her. Link to post Share on other sites
Bellaisa Posted December 22, 2014 Share Posted December 22, 2014 Rather than instantly thinking affair (emotional or otherwise), have you considered he may be depressed. Work or money worries could easily affect him and stress is a real cause of depression. I agree. Depression or even another illness may be affecting his mood and causing him to be off and on. Has he been to the doc lately? Any other physical symptoms? It may be something to look into. I only suggest it because both my husband and I got some pretty shocking medical news this year, and in hindsight a lot of symptoms were quite obvious - moodiness, indecisiveness inability to sleep, pain, and much more. But, if it is not something medical or mental, then obviously something is troubling your husband. I saw your reply about him admitting he has feelings for this other woman - yikes. If he's in regular contact with her and he has feelings with her, then you have every right to be concerned. He could be debating being with her and feel guilty - which is why he halts intimacy, or he could be actually doing something and feel guilty. I'm not saying he is, but that's a huge red flag! Personally, I wouldn't put up with anything I feel uncomfortable with, such as him being too close to her. And I don't think you should either regardless of what else is going on in your lives. Link to post Share on other sites
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