Deciding between separated wife and the mistress

[anika99]

I haven't read the whole thread but I noticed that none of your listed options included being authentic with your wife and admitting to the ongoing affair. As long as your wife has no idea what is going on behind the scenes of her marriage she cannot actively participate in making changes or decision and you will forever be in this state of indecision. Let your wife know everything and that will put an end to this endless state of inaction. When your wife knows the truth she will either help you become refocused on the marriage or she will help you end the marriage.

 

 

I get the feeling though, that this is precisely why you won't tell her. Because you don't want anyone else making the decisions, you like controlling the situation and everyone in it by your subtle dishonesty and omitted truths. By letting your wife continue to believe that you still have one foot in the marriage, she continues to hope and wait, and by letting the OW believe that you are on the verge of ending the marriage she also continues to wait and hope. You've got everyone just where you want them. You have 2 woman who have their lives on hold while you dilly dally around trying to pick the right one. Aren't you the special one.

 

 

Stop playing around with peoples lives and make a damn choice and commit to it. Why is it that people in affairs always want some sort of guaranteed successful outcome? Nobody gets a guarantee on matters like this. Nobody is able to look into the future and tell you the outcome of your choice. If you don't love your wife and you feel that you can't continue on in a marriage without love, then end it. Ending a marriage should have nothing to do with picking between 2 people anyways. If you didn't have an OW waiting for you in the wings, would you still want to divorce?

[dreamingoftigers]

Actually there's time for all those things. It's just that, like everything else of value in marriage, you have to work at it...

 

Mr. Lucky

 

So basically, you stop doing fun things with your wife, devide thungs are boring with her. Then you start doing fun things with your OW and now "you love her."

 

You expected to not have fun stuff with your wife and for it to stay fun?

 

The grass is greener where you water it. Frankly, it seems like you took.a passive tole in your marriage, like an observer. Sitting back, rating it but not really doing much to change it.

 

My husband did the same thing. Marriage isn't some tv show where the writing gets a little stale and you change the channel.

 

Nobody remains in love with a relationship they don't invest in.

 

It looks like you invest until things get boring. Then you change the channel.

 

Couldn't pick up the phone and call a babysitter? Go out and have fun then? Jeepers.

 

Why can't YOU be responsible for the fun part of your marriage?

Why not shoulder it like an adult instead of being a kid expecting to be entertained.

 

I sense that your wife has made things far too easy for you and you are in for a very big surprise. I had a very spoiled husband as well. Boy did that tune change.

[whichwayisup]

Divorce your wife, put things on hold with your OW, end it for now. Sort out custody and do family counseling with your (ex) wife and child(ren) to make the transition smoother. Always put your kid(s) first and yourself second no matter what.

 

BE on your own for a long while.

 

When the timing is right, 'date' your OW though you'd be single so she wouldn't be the OW anymore. If you two have a strong connection and are meant to be together it'll work out as such when the timing is right.

 

You don't love your wife at all, that much is clear. Yes you 'care' for her but not in a romantic or husbandly way. (Husbandly - new word alert, I think!) She deserves to be with a man who will love and adore her, want to please her and make her feel loved and special. You cannot provide that for her.

 

You two can be great co parents to your kid(s), you two can be better off as friends but living in two different households.

[goodyblue]

I can only tell you what happened with me. My guy had been married 29 years, the last 12 with no sex. We have known one another and been friends for 20 years. We began the affair and he left his ex about a year later. We never ended our relationship, we never took a break. But... I lived 1700 miles away. He moved out, got an apartment. I then moved with my kids to his city where we rented a house and we dated. We didn't live together right away, we just took it slow. His ex did find out about the affair and that aspect has been hell. He has one adult daughter and she was really upset but has come round and Things are great. But his ex still sends awful emails, etc all the time about him being a cheater and me a home wrecking who're. So if your wife doesn't know and you plan to end it, don't tell her.

 

I don't believe in staying in an unhappy relationship if you are not of a mind to fix it. I think your wife could find a better match too if you are not a great match.

 

I have been with my guy for a few years now and we are really, truly happy. We have a wonderful life together and we made the right choice. But we took it slow.

 

I hope you find answers soon and don't leave these two women in limbo for long.

 

Good luck.

[Mr. Lucky]

I sense that your wife has made things far too easy for you and you are in for a very big surprise.

 

Which will bring the OP to option e:

 

You leave your W for your mistress because you're in "love". Unfortunately, confronted with the realities of everyday living, that venture crumbles under the weight of step-parenting, financial challenges and the failure rate of post-affair relationships. Embittered by the revelation of the affair, your ex-wife is not a cooperative co-parent, speaks ill of you to you son and works to turn him against you. Caught in an emotional tug-of-war, your son grows up with a general mistrust of people and relationships.

 

Let's call this the Ghost of Marriage Future...

 

Mr. Lucky

[goodyblue]

Which will bring the OP to option e:

 

You leave your W for your mistress because you're in "love". Unfortunately, confronted with the realities of everyday living, that venture crumbles under the weight of step-parenting, financial challenges and the failure rate of post-affair relationships. Embittered by the revelation of the affair, your ex-wife is not a cooperative co-parent, speaks ill of you to you son and works to turn him against you. Caught in an emotional tug-of-war, your son grows up with a general mistrust of people and relationships.

 

Let's call this the Ghost of Marriage Future...

 

Mr. Lucky

 

This is a good point. As i stated, my guy's ex is very angry even years later. She did try to turn his daughter against him but it kind of backfired, and his daughter has distanced herself from her mother. But, she was an adult, not nearly the same as a child of five who spends all week with mom. But i stand by what i said: don't stay where you are unhappy. And do not make your wife stay where she is tolerated rather than cherished.

Edited December 15, 2014 by goodyblue

[Furious]

While I understand that no one but me can make the ultimate decision, I am looking for some thoughts and hopefully clarity on how to proceed.

 

Little background:

 

My wife and I have been married for 9 years, and for the most part, we have had a safe type of relationship, some would call it very vanilla. Not much excitement, annual family vacation, modest house etc.

Throughout our marriage, there wasn't much we shared in terms of friends or hobbies. Although married in every sense of the word, my friends never really mixed with her's and vice versa. I did become fairly close with her immediate family and my immediate family loves her as their own.

 

Four years into the marriage, our only child, a beautiful little boy was born and our lives understandably changed. Everything we did and talked about revolved around him. Expectedly there wasn't time for date nights, romantic trips or any of that.

 

Fast forwarding to 6 months ago - I've done what I always looked down on, understand it's cowardly and immoral: Started dating a mistress. She is someone I knew for a long time as a friend. She's been divorced for many years and has an adult daughter. We started dating, going out for dinners, taking short trips etc.. I truly believe that we fell in love with each other (I also realize that my perception is my reality...). She fulfills me mentally and physically and all in all makes me feel happy.

 

She is not younger, hotter or richer than my wife - she just gets me and is making me feel things I have never felt when my wife and I dated.

 

Why did I get married you ask... Well, I was young and it was the expected thing to do. Given my wife's background, we were expected to be engaged before moving in together - and so we did.

Throughout the marriage, we did not argue and we didn't really expect anything from each other besides being there for each other.

 

I have broken my vows, acted against my beliefs and did things I'm ashamed of. About 4 months ago, my wife suspected something is not right as I was spending more and more time away from home and she decided to separate and move with her parents while we figure things out. I miss my son dearly and only get to see him on weekends.

 

I know I will take a lot of hear from everyone who will read and respond to this post, please understand I am not looking to justify my actions. I know I'm wrong and what I've done is uncalled for.

 

I don't feel anything towards my wife, but I don't wish her any harm. I caused her enough pain and don't want to make things worse. She is a nice person, and continues to text and email be frequently saying how much she misses us being together.

 

From my point of view, I have 4 options and know that someone will be getting hurt either way.

 

a, Break it off with the mistress and go back to my married life. Explore options for counseling and or just accept things the way they are. I've done this for 9 years, I'm pretty sure I can keep going.

 

b, Break it off with the mistress, divorce the wife, focus on my relationship with my son and start "fresh".

 

c, Divorce my wife whom I betrayed, fully commit to the mistress and focus on spending as much time as possible with my son. The mistress and I are in love and this would probably be the option preferred by her.

 

d, Do nothing, continue to be a coward and let things "pan out". Although this would be the easy way out, I'm depressed by my situation as it is and feel the urge to do SOMETHING soon.

 

Actually, you're not deciding between your wife or "the mistress" or even your child. It's about you, only about what's good for you and how you can get the best outcome for "you". In the end it's what's best for "you" above and beyond the triangular dichotomy of the situation you've created.

 

What you seem to be searching for is the best outcome and easiest and less costly consequence for "you".

 

It's not rocket science that your ego is paramount in the dilemma of feeding it. It's a difficult task to balance commitment and excitement while navigating authenticity.

 

It's not about choosing your wife or child or "the mistress", it's about the odds in the game you're playing and how to beat it.

[cocorico]

Actually, you're not deciding between your wife or "the mistress" or even your child. It's about you, only about what's good for you and how you can get the best outcome for "you".

 

Although I don't agree with the pejorative tone of the above, I do agree broadly with the content. This should not be about choosing between two women, it should be about choosing which enactment of yourself you find to be closer to your authentic sense of who you are. Which, if either, situation allows you to most closely manifest the "you" you aspire to be, the "you" you are happiest to confront in the mirror each day, the "you" your younger self would be proudest to have become. That "you" is the one to choose - and if either of those women help you to become that, then that woman has a place in your life - whatever that place might be. Either woman who does not help you become that is a hindrance, and you should walk away from such a person.

 

By seeing it asmamchoice between two women, you cheapen both of them - like choosing between two brands of toothpaste - but more importantly, you miss the crucial point: it's not about them, nor should it be. It's about you. Choose who you want to be, and the rest will fall into place from that.

[darkmoon]

Putting on a brave face, going through the motions, etc is never and will never be the better option for a child. Living a complete lie, pining away for your mistress and likely building resentment toward your wife is not going to help your son in the long run.

 

how convenient is that?

 

just burden his son with psyco-babble to live up to yay!

 

his son will be delighted to know that he is not being asked about his dad leaving home

Edited December 15, 2014 by darkmoon

[TrustedthenBusted]

I suggest you go look at an old couple that is still together. Their kids are grown, they have grandchildren, they will be sitting next to eachother when one of them passes on, and will have truly shared a life together. They will have made it to the finish line and set an example for their children and grand-children.

 

 

Now understand this. That couple has almost certainly survived an affair. Statistically it's next to impossible that they didn't. Maybe even more than one. So it can be done.

 

It all depends one what is important to you. The journey? The end game? Both?

 

Personally, the price for keeping my family together so far has been very high. But I still believe, worth it.

[jbrent890]

I suggest you go look at an old couple that is still together. Their kids are grown, they have grandchildren, they will be sitting next to eachother when one of them passes on, and will have truly shared a life together. They will have made it to the finish line and set an example for their children and grand-children.

 

 

Now understand this. That couple has almost certainly survived an affair. Statistically it's next to impossible that they didn't. Maybe even more than one. So it can be done.

 

It all depends one what is important to you. The journey? The end game? Both?

 

Personally, the price for keeping my family together so far has been very high. But I still believe, worth it.

 

Where are you getting these stats from? Statistically a marriage has a 25% chance of experiencing infedelity. 14% of married women cheat and 25% of men do. And in a given year, there is only a 6% chance of a marriage experiencing infedelity. Granted 25% is still high, it is not as bad as people make it out to be. The fact is that the majority of marriages do not experience infedelity. Unfortunately we got the short end of the stick though.

[William]

It appears the thread starter has checked out so we'll table this pending their return. Thanks everyone for your perspectives and insight. I hope they were helpful.