Deciding between separated wife and the mistress

[Sandybr367]

It's not that fidelity is not a realistic plan, it's just that it's too late. This is my first affair ever. I am not trying to make that sound like a good thing, just pointing out that I am not a player or someone with a pattern of cheating.

 

I'm channeling your son right now and he says, "Whatever else you do, at least be honest with Mom." Since it appears fidelity to your wife isn't a realistic plan for you, then the next best most decent thing to do is to confess your affair and ask your wife to work with you on an orderly plan for separation and divorce.

[dreamingoftigers]

It's not that fidelity is not a realistic plan, it's just that it's too late. This is my first affair ever. I am not trying to make that sound like a good thing, just pointing out that I am not a player or someone with a pattern of cheating.

 

I honestly have no idea what this has to do with anything at all.

[Mal78]

Thank you both for responding. Looks like we are 2 for 2 on hitting the reset button. Do you really feel that is the better option FOR MY SON?

 

It sounds a bit like you are hinting *staying* with your wife for the sake of your son. You need a second opinion on if that is what is best for your son.

 

What is best for your son is to see his parents loving him unconditionally and *happy*. This could be together or apart.

 

As for your wife she deserves to feel that she is loved unconditionally as well. Hopefully, in time she will have that again and know then that all this was a blessing in disguise. That her partner will make her feel more love and happiness than you were ever capable of providing. I hope you have the same desire for her.

 

Lastly you, I have been a BS, I am a women and I could tell you first hand the pain is unbearable *especially* when there are children involved. Not only have you betrayed her, you betrayed all those intimate moments that were shared together, for me most intimate of all was the birth of our son.

 

I would have preferred being told he couldn't handle marriage, us and did the honorable thing but he chose the high road. Both would hurt unbearably however those moments would still be kept as "good memories of the marriage".

 

I image, since you mentioned your "mistress" would like you to choose her out of your choices that you discussed your child in her and your lives as a couple. I bet since you love your beautiful boy (and sold her on his greatness) that you both romanticized what that would look like (of course when the dust settles) and how perfect it would be. She has a child (single, grown child) so she would be ideal candidate for a step mom.

 

Right now the A is about the two of you. You add to that it will turn ugly or at very best also turn into a "vanilla marriage".

 

Be alone and focus on you and your son's relationship and what you and your wife's co-parenting relationship will look like and build a good foundation for that (the best time is now) vs. Waiting for the dust to settle. When it does your wife will get a backbone, she will have a wealth of supporters routing her on as she slams you to the ground. It will get ugly and your son *will* be in the crossfire. I guarantee this. My bff is a divorce lawyer and she gets no bigger thrill than building her clients backbones. She gains tremendously from it! You add infidelity to the case and her job is golden. I don't think she is a unique divorce attorney either.

 

Good luck. Your son is priority.

[sidney2718]

When it comes to the effects of divorce on kids, I can only share what I have seen in others, as my parents never divorced, and my hsuband and I have been married a long time.

 

Divorce isn't easy on kids. I know from seeing my own kids friends, all of whom have divorced parents, that it can be a really hard go. This being said, the ones who seem the happiest are the ones who's moms and dads "divorced well', and there was no affair involved. From what I have overhead between them and my own kids, most of them knew mom or dad was cheating even though it was covered up and their parents thought they had no idea. These kids are all angry about it, and I don't ever recall hearing any one of them say that they understood why mom or dad cheated. I've been a sympathetic ear for a lot of them, and these are the things I have learned.

 

In my opinion, the only way you should stay withyour wife is if your are willing to cut your other woman off cold turkey, be honest with your wife about the affair and seek counselling for the two of you. If you aren't willing to do those things, then it's probably time to exit stage left from your marraige with grace.

 

I second this. But I will note that you seem to find no joy in your marriage or in your wife. This is bad. Do not stay in a marriage that will steam with resentment. Your child will suffer the most from it. And you will have affair after affair.

 

You are lucky in your youth. Try your best to work out an amicable divorce with your wife for your child's sake. AFTER all that is done you will be free to do what ever you please with other women, but if you have any decency, you will explain your past to any woman you date BEFORE you get into a long-term affair with her. Don't be surprised if they run from you.

[Steen719]

When it comes to the effects of divorce on kids, I can only share what I have seen in others, as my parents never divorced, and my hsuband and I have been married a long time.

 

Divorce isn't easy on kids. I know from seeing my own kids friends, all of whom have divorced parents, that it can be a really hard go. This being said, the ones who seem the happiest are the ones who's moms and dads "divorced well', and there was no affair involved. From what I have overhead between them and my own kids, most of them knew mom or dad was cheating even though it was covered up and their parents thought they had no idea. These kids are all angry about it, and I don't ever recall hearing any one of them say that they understood why mom or dad cheated. I've been a sympathetic ear for a lot of them, and these are the things I have learned.

 

In my opinion, the only way you should stay withyour wife is if your are willing to cut your other woman off cold turkey, be honest with your wife about the affair and seek counselling for the two of you. If you aren't willing to do those things, then it's probably time to exit stage left from your marraige with grace.

 

Exactly. My son even said if his dad had just said he was unhappy, gone about it with some honesty and respect for me, he would not have been happy about it, but would have understood and wanted us both to be happy. As it turned out, he ended up being more concerned about my happiness and has stayed minimally involved with his dad at my prompting. How sad is that?

[beach]

Before I answer if like to know how your wife reacted to your affair?

 

 

 

Especially since you are mainly concerned with how you feel - how does she feel? She may not even want a man that's capable of cheating on her. She also may be bored with the life you've offer her too...

[Steen719]

If you really and truly believe that you and your wife can stay together and never let any of your actions and choices impact your son, if you think you can give him a loving, conflict free home if you stay together, and that means ending your affair for good and putting your wife and marraige first, then maybe you have a shot at staying together being best for your son.That would also entail a lot of counseling and hard work for the two of you. Do you think you have that in you?

 

The problem is that, given what you say, it doesn't sound like you have a good shot at doing that. Your intentions may start out well, but eventually, you may well stray again. By then , your child will be older and it will hurt even more. It also sounds like it's more your freedom to do what you want when you want that is the big draw to the affair ( short vacations whenever you like, lots of free time to spend with just the two of you, etc.) Of course your wife can't give you those, and there is no way she could ever compete with your OW, nor should she have to.

 

It sounds like, for you, putting your son first means ending both your marraige and affair. That way, it will be much less painful to your wife and better for your son and you as well. The longer you keep your wife dangling, the more cruel you are being and the angrier and more resentful she will become, which is understandable. That will poison her, and your son as well. Kids aren't stupid and see a whole lot more than adults realize. Even if you both do your best to hide your hurtful behavior from him, he may well figure it out. She is the mother of your child and deserves a damned lot better than what you are givng her now.

 

^This^ 10 characters

[Sandybr367]

She doesn't know about the affair, or at least does not have a confirmation. She is a very nice person and says even if I did cheat, she wants us back, the way we were. It's quite heart breaking to hear when she says stuff like that.

 

Before I answer if like to know how your wife reacted to your affair?

 

 

 

Especially since you are mainly concerned with how you feel - how does she feel? She may not even want a man that's capable of cheating on her. She also may be bored with the life you've offer her too...

[MuddyFootprints]

Give your wife the confirmation she deserves. If you have any respect for her at all, quit gas-lighting her. It's abusive and crazy making.

[dreamingoftigers]

She doesn't know about the affair, or at least does not have a confirmation. She is a very nice person and says even if I did cheat, she wants us back, the way we were. It's quite heart breaking to hear when she says stuff like that.

 

I guarantee you. Betrayed Spouses have no idea how they will react when the news breaks..

[GirlStillStrong]

Thank you for....THAT, i suppose. I know I'm a dirtbag for cheating,

 

Judging yourself will get you nowhere and is actually a ruse, a way of ignoring or avoiding the actual truth. So my first advice is to stop judging yourself and stop listening to others who are judging you. It may help you to know that the affair is a symptom of a larger problem. It sounds, if you are being honest, like there was never enough spark between you and your spouse to sustain the marriage, and neither of you know how to fix that.

 

The other thing I want to say is that it's important for you to realize that this is not a choice between one person and another, your wife vs your affair partner, although that is how most people will see it. The affair is really only you piling a hurtful complication onto a problem, instead of actually resolving it. You are not hurting only your wife with this affair. You are hurting yourself (by going against your own morals and values). And of course you will be hurting your child and your families. Divorce tears families apart, usually irreparably, no doubt.

 

And lastly, you can call it "cheating" if you want but in my view that is an immature way of looking at it. Your actions are an individual action, something you decided to do and have done. Your wife really has nothing to do with it and yet you view it primarily as something you are doing TO her (which most people do, BTW). My point? You're actually doing what you're doing to YOURSELF. Once you begin to accept this, you can begin to fully own it. You need to be accountable to yourself first and foremost. Let your behavior match YOU.

 

If you haven't done any work on yourself or on your marriage, such as self-help, marriage counseling, and actually taking action to reconnect with your spouse and make things better, I think you should at least do that before you make any decisions. But either way, the right, smart, loving, and honorable thing to do is to stop the affair immediately and start putting the time, resources, and attention you are giving your affair and your affair partner to YOUR WIFE.

 

I recommend, if you do nothing else, read Harville Hendrix. You seem intelligent and thoughtful, and that this is out of character for you.

[Anderlie]

Speaking as a child of a marriage where my dad was pretty good at cheating - DON'T STAY FOR THE KID. My parents had a decent marriage on the surface, they didn't fight or display negativity in front of us but the flip side is there was never any affection, no hugs or kisses or kindness. Imagine growing up in a household where you have absolutely no model of how to be in a loving relationship with someone who respected and valued you? Not to mention there's guilt; I love my parents and I want them to be happy. Knowing they sacrificed so many years to ensure I was raised in a 'solid environment' makes me sad for them. As it turned out I ended up bearing the brunt of their evential divorce anyway so it was all for naught. As a little kid I wouldn't have had to take that role.

 

Just my thoughts. Your wife deserves someone special not someone who'll tolerate her and your son deserves to learn how to love.

[GirlStillStrong]

It's not that fidelity is not a realistic plan, it's just that it's too late. This is my first affair ever. I am not trying to make that sound like a good thing, just pointing out that I am not a player or someone with a pattern of cheating.

What are you saying here? That you won't stop having affairs or that your marriage is now "broken" because you already screwed it up by having an affair?

Marriages aren't plates, they don't shatter just because you screw something up. Marriages are part of life and life is not perfect.

[carhill]

OP, since I doubt MC is in your future, I'll share a tidbit from MC where we did discuss my affair quite openly....

 

Identify your fear, work your fear, resolve your fear. This will set you free.

 

Our situations are a bit different but the basics are still pretty similar. If you had represented a solid foundation which of late had taken some hits, I'd be recommending MC and working to resolve your M to a healthy state. It appears very little of any healthy foundation, if there ever was one, remains. Of course, that could be typical A marital re-write but sounds pretty long-lived and more generalized, beyond mere interpersonal specifics, something I've come to term a marriage of convenience. I actually learned the term from MW's decades ago when divorce was less commonly accepted than it is today. Women remained in a convenient marriage and had dalliances, though they apparently held little love or care for their husbands personally. Personally, I found living that kind of life to be intractable and MC helped clarify why.

 

Anyway, think it through and make a clear decision and own that decision and move forward. There's no easy nor pleasant way of resolving this. You'll have to take responsibility for the consequences, whatever they may be. Best wishes in your decision making process.

[beach]

While I doubt you're likely to be on your own for any length of time - I vote for being with the other woman and allowing your wife to find a man who truly loves and respects her.

 

 

I think it's cruel your wife suspected something was wrong yet you still didn't offer her your truth.

 

It's was your opportunity to get out of the marriage - why didn't you take it then?

 

I bet your OW was upset when your wife returned to you yet you didn't end the M while you had the chance.

[Sandybr367]

You asked why I didn't take the "opportunity" to get out of the marriage... The answer is, I didn't know and I still don't whether I want to get out of the marriage. I don't want to fall for the greener grass so to speak, as genuine as my relationship with the OW is, or appears to be.

 

There are other factors... I don't like hurting the mother of my child and although some people will say I am hurting her more by not confirming the affair, I almost feel like she is turning the other way and is willing to forgive (not likely to forget).

 

Some on this forum indicated that my relationship with the OW will likely follow suit of my first marriage - I'm not particularly a big fan of this idea either. I would much rather either be alone or stay in the marriage I already have if the assumption is that all of my future relationships will end that way...

 

ugh

 

 

While I doubt you're likely to be on your own for any length of time - I vote for being with the other woman and allowing your wife to find a man who truly loves and respects her.

 

 

I think it's cruel your wife suspected something was wrong yet you still didn't offer her your truth.

 

It's was your opportunity to get out of the marriage - why didn't you take it then?

 

I bet your OW was upset when your wife returned to you yet you didn't end the M while you had the chance.

[MuddyFootprints]

With your current state of mind, yes, this type of behaviour will be repeated. You have some internal work to do before you can begin to sustain any relationship.

Edited December 14, 2014 by MuddyFootprints

[still_an_Angel]

Staying in a mediocre M is not going to work, you are not and will not be happy and you will always be thinking of what you're missing out there. Namely, your OW who you believe "gets" you. You need to realize that the R with the OW is not reality, it appeals so much because you experience the best times with her. Its probably not going to remain like that once the realities of life sets in, like bills, mortgage, in-laws, childcare, etc.

 

If you choose to stay in your M because you think since you've managed to live that way for many years, do you honestly believe resentment won't set in? Given you've already had a taste of passion in a relationship. If you choose to stay for your son, would you be setting an example of a happy M? Kids can feel the underlying tension and can figure out what's real. You are able to co-parent even if you're separated, your personal happiness is important too. If you stay, then you need to work on the M.

 

I think if you decide to leave, it shouldn't be because of your OW, it should be your own personal choice and ask for NC from her so you can decide in the right frame of mind. Best of luck, you are at a fork and its not easy, somebody is going to get hurt even though you try to minimize the damage, but you also have to think about the bigger hurt the longer you drag this on.

[Mr. Lucky]

Expectedly there wasn't time for date nights, romantic trips or any of that.

 

Actually there's time for all those things. It's just that, like everything else of value in marriage, you have to work at it...

 

Mr. Lucky

[stillcold]

Expectedly there wasn't time for date nights, romantic trips or any of that.

 

But there was time for an affair, right...?

 

There was time for an affair, but not your marriage because your heart isn't truly in it: you aren't in love with your spouse anymore, or maybe never were to begin with.

 

IF you were in love with her before, then drop your affair partner, communicate with your wife about all your needs, problems, concerns, etc., get some therapy or whatever, and fall in love with her again. The feeling of love is like a flame: sometimes it's a consuming fire, other times it's a very gentle yet dim flame, and all of it depends on how well you fan the fire so to speak.

 

Save your marriage, save your spouse, save your child, save the life you have already built. You have a partner who needs to be loved, and if you want to fall in love with her (again or for the first time), I assure you that you will as long as you want to. If your wife truly loves you, then you should work on it.

 

Don't let your marriage and family go all because you need to satisfy the desires of your flesh--work at your marriage first, then if all undoubtedly fails, let go. Give your wife the chance to fight for her family as well, don't take that away from her. Don't take the cowards way out. Good luck.

[bathtub-row]

Option C. You were attracted to your mistress for a reason, and it's very hard to find people who truly "get" us. My only concern is that you're so willing to drop her. Your marriage is putting you to sleep and your mistress fulfills you. Kind of a no-brainer when you think about.

[DbleBetrayal]

Divorce. Clearly getting your rocks off with anther woman is more important than communicating and working on your marriage. What's the point of asking this question? Basically, your wife bores you to tears and you're only with her for your son. Imagine if you're wife was out banging some other dude, putting you at risk of STD's and than when you find out; "It's cos of our son that I'm cheating", would that be okay with you?

[happyman64]

Sandy

 

How about you try Option T.

 

T= Truth

 

You tell your wife the truth. You tell her everything. And then you see how she feels about you and the marriage.

 

Right now you are in selfish mode. I call it the "What about me" syndrome.

 

You have the OW. You have the hot new love life. Your son is out if the way during the week so you can date all you want.

 

But that little voice in your head constantly reminds you that you are married and actively cheating on your wife....

 

So stop thinking of divorce.

 

The right thing to do right now is tell your wife the truth. Everything. About the vanilla sex. About the loss of those feelings for her.

 

Do it in front of a 3rd party that can counsel both of you.

 

The reason I say this is you owe your wife the truth.

 

Did you ever think that your wife might be tired of the vanilla sex or loss of attraction for you?

 

The only difference is she kept her vows.

 

Divorce might become the option you choose but wait until the truth is on the table.

 

You just might realize where the grass is actually growing.....

 

HM

[No Limit]

I don't want to fall for the greener grass so to speak, as genuine as my relationship with the OW is, or appears to be.

 

You already did when you first started the affair.

Seriously. All you are thinking about is you and how you can resolve this situation smoothly without anyone hurt or your name tainted.

 

Surprise surprise! That's impossible. You will fall on your face big time, the only factor you can influence here is how much time you are going to waste before that happens.

 

Get a divorce. If your current selfish behavior manifests in your character there is no hope left for you.

[stillmind]

You're looking for an easy out but there is none, you've painted yourself into a corner. Your wife deserves the truth, your son deserves a father with integrity (whether you divorce or not), and I don't know what your OW deserves but I know you won't build a healthy relationship with her, your wife, or anyone else if you can't move past your selfishness.

 

Confess, take your lumps, see a counselor and try to move forward with honesty. Any choice you make is going to be difficult. You did that to yourself by having an affair. The best thing you can do is be honest and work on yourself so that this situation does not arise again in the future -- whether you divorce or reconcile.