Deciding between separated wife and the mistress

[Sandybr367]

While I understand that no one but me can make the ultimate decision, I am looking for some thoughts and hopefully clarity on how to proceed.

 

Little background:

 

My wife and I have been married for 9 years, and for the most part, we have had a safe type of relationship, some would call it very vanilla. Not much excitement, annual family vacation, modest house etc.

Throughout our marriage, there wasn't much we shared in terms of friends or hobbies. Although married in every sense of the word, my friends never really mixed with her's and vice versa. I did become fairly close with her immediate family and my immediate family loves her as their own.

 

Four years into the marriage, our only child, a beautiful little boy was born and our lives understandably changed. Everything we did and talked about revolved around him. Expectedly there wasn't time for date nights, romantic trips or any of that.

 

Fast forwarding to 6 months ago - I've done what I always looked down on, understand it's cowardly and immoral: Started dating a mistress. She is someone I knew for a long time as a friend. She's been divorced for many years and has an adult daughter. We started dating, going out for dinners, taking short trips etc.. I truly believe that we fell in love with each other (I also realize that my perception is my reality...). She fulfills me mentally and physically and all in all makes me feel happy.

 

She is not younger, hotter or richer than my wife - she just gets me and is making me feel things I have never felt when my wife and I dated.

 

Why did I get married you ask... Well, I was young and it was the expected thing to do. Given my wife's background, we were expected to be engaged before moving in together - and so we did.

Throughout the marriage, we did not argue and we didn't really expect anything from each other besides being there for each other.

 

I have broken my vows, acted against my beliefs and did things I'm ashamed of. About 4 months ago, my wife suspected something is not right as I was spending more and more time away from home and she decided to separate and move with her parents while we figure things out. I miss my son dearly and only get to see him on weekends.

 

I know I will take a lot of hear from everyone who will read and respond to this post, please understand I am not looking to justify my actions. I know I'm wrong and what I've done is uncalled for.

 

I don't feel anything towards my wife, but I don't wish her any harm. I caused her enough pain and don't want to make things worse. She is a nice person, and continues to text and email be frequently saying how much she misses us being together.

 

From my point of view, I have 4 options and know that someone will be getting hurt either way.

 

a, Break it off with the mistress and go back to my married life. Explore options for counseling and or just accept things the way they are. I've done this for 9 years, I'm pretty sure I can keep going.

 

b, Break it off with the mistress, divorce the wife, focus on my relationship with my son and start "fresh".

 

c, Divorce my wife whom I betrayed, fully commit to the mistress and focus on spending as much time as possible with my son. The mistress and I are in love and this would probably be the option preferred by her.

 

d, Do nothing, continue to be a coward and let things "pan out". Although this would be the easy way out, I'm depressed by my situation as it is and feel the urge to do SOMETHING soon.

[carhill]

Speaking as a fMM, I found MC and removing myself from both people's lives worked out best for everyone so I would suggest (E), ending your affair now and divorcing your wife for whom you have no love and living life alone as a single father for awhile and then seeing what happens. You're a grown man and don't need a woman around to be complete and whole. Once center has returned and you're firmly established as a co-parent and your son is squared away and dealing well with the situation, then look at dating, including dating your former affair partner, should she be available. If you and she 'get' each other in that for a lifetime way, the time will fly by. If not, hey, that's life. The important person here is the innocent, your child. What's in the best interest of your child, relevant to your adult decision? Go with that. Good luck and welcome to LS.

[CarrieT]

I think you should divorce your wife AND stop seeing your mistress.

 

You need time alone to figure yourself out. It honestly doesn't sound like either woman is the perfect fit for you.

[Sandybr367]

Thank you both for responding. Looks like we are 2 for 2 on hitting the reset button. Do you really feel that is the better option FOR MY SON?

[Ronni_W]

Thank you both for responding. Looks like we are 2 for 2 on hitting the reset button. Do you really feel that is the better option FOR MY SON?

My vote is for ©.

When YOU as an individual are at your best, highest level of consciousness -- loving, kind, self-aware, following - really striving to follow your Plan and Purpose as best you can -- then you cannot help but be the highest version of yourself, in any given moment. And your son will benefit from that. How could he not?

 

PS: And STOP calling the woman you claim to love and be in love with, "the mistress"!!! WTF?

[dreamingoftigers]

Thank you both for responding. Looks like we are 2 for 2 on hitting the reset button. Do you really feel that is the better option FOR MY SON?

 

I think if you truly cared about your son, you would have written a nice long thread about that instead of messing around on his Mom because things were "vanilla" at home.

Hopefully you choose your mistress. She'll "get it" when you become bored with her too and chuck her like yesterday's old shoes. Then you will all learn something from this.

[Lernaean_Hydra]

Thank you both for responding. Looks like we are 2 for 2 on hitting the reset button. Do you really feel that is the better option FOR MY SON?

 

Putting on a brave face, going through the motions, etc is never and will never be the better option for a child. Living a complete lie, pining away for your mistress and likely building resentment toward your wife is not going to help your son in the long run.

[Steen719]

I am a BW, so my feelings about what you and your mistress have done is better left unsaid, particularly since that is not what you are asking. I just wanted to make sure that you realize that no matter how things go down, when you and your wife divorce and you live in separate homes, it will affect your son in ways you won't even think about now. My son was older, so maybe this is why, but no matter how good things may be for him, there is a sadness and a slip in his foundation because his parents are no longer together. Who knows if he is better off with us together or not? No one can go back and look at that option. I'm not saying to stay or go. Only you know what you should do, but I think your main consideration should be your child. Make the transition the best you can and be concerned about him more than her.

 

This may not be true, but I wonder how your new love will like having a 5 year old around. Sure, now it is fine, but what about later? That is a pretty big commitment for someone who has adult children. Also, she dates a married man and you cheat on your wife. Good grief....a mess.

[MuddyFootprints]

I did a quick glance through your post to see how often the 'the's and the 'my's were repeated when describing your relationships.

 

I don't know whether it means anything or not, I just found the continual lack of personal reference to the mistress interesting.

[Sandybr367]

Steen, thanks for the well deserved judgement.

[Sandybr367]

MuddyFootprints, I know what you are referring to and there is a reason for it. Before posting, I looked at similar posts and noticed that every time someone referred to the OW as girlfriend, they were bashed for it and corrected that she is a whore and a mistress. I chose to spare everyone of it by starting my post with the Mistress as a label, tho I don't mean it in a derogatory way.

 

I did a quick glance through your post to see how often the 'the's and the 'my's were repeated when describing your relationships.

 

I don't know whether it means anything or not, I just found the continual lack of personal reference to the mistress interesting.

[Sandybr367]

Thank you for....THAT, i suppose. I know I'm a dirtbag for cheating,

 

 

I think if you truly cared about your son, you would have written a nice long thread about that instead of messing around on his Mom because things were "vanilla" at home.

Hopefully you choose your mistress. She'll "get it" when you become bored with her too and chuck her like yesterday's old shoes. Then you will all learn something from this.

[MuddyFootprints]

I'm more interested in your use of the word 'a' and 'the' rather than the title of 'the' affair partner.

[dichotomy]

Only you can fully envision what divorce and shared custody would do to you and your money, child life changes, home arrangements (who lives where), and happiness. Think hard on this really picture what will happen - talk to divorced friends with kids.

 

I say this because statistically affairs have a low success rate to turning into successful second marriages. Also once divorce happens - spouses can turn on each other and kids can be used as pawns. Not always - some divorces and child co parenting is functional - but many are heck.

 

Before any final decision - I would ask your mistress for a brief break, a separation from her. Spend a month or two in individual therapy and maybe then couples. What does love or to love someone mean - does it change from first romance? - to long term marriage? - do all marriage go though down times? - what make marriage successful beyond passionate love?

 

Just my two cents. I suspect divorce is in the picture for you.

[dreamingoftigers]

Thank you for....THAT, i suppose. I know I'm a dirtbag for cheating,

 

Sandy,

 

I never get tired of this.

 

When most people cheat and are confronted with hearing something about it they don't like, they often avoid any emotional or behavioural significance and throw SOMEONE under the bus.

 

In this case, it's you. "I'm a dirtbag."

 

Have you learner anything about the complications you've brpught into yours and others lives?

 

Have you learned your triggers?

 

Have you learned about what your or your son (much less you wife) are going thrpugh on an emotional level?

 

Have you talked about his feelings with him?

 

No offence at all here: are you equipped to make this decision?

[Sandybr367]

Thanks ditchotomy,

I know that divorce is a serious strain on money, assets and all that. In your opinion, is it worth staying in a less-than-ideal marriage to avoid all that? Believe me, I'm considering it.

 

Only you can fully envision what divorce and shared custody would do to you and your money, child life changes, home arrangements (who lives where), and happiness. Think hard on this really picture what will happen - talk to divorced friends with kids.

 

I say this because statistically affairs have a low success rate to turning into successful second marriages. Also once divorce happens - spouses can turn on each other and kids can be used as pawns. Not always - some divorces and child co parenting is functional - but many are heck.

 

Before any final decision - I would ask your mistress for a brief break, a separation from her. Spend a month or two in individual therapy and maybe then couples. What does love or to love someone mean - does it change from first romance? - to long term marriage? - do all marriage go though down times? - what make marriage successful beyond passionate love?

 

Just my two cents. I suspect divorce is in the picture for you.

[No Limit]

Divorce your wife, be with your true love. Sweep her off her feet and you will be happy for years to come. Your son can only profit from a happy dad, and kids can easily be coaxed into not resenting their leaving parent by buying them fancy stuff and doing things that are fun together.

 

What are you waiting for? Do you want to spend the rest of your life stuck with old family images set by a long-gone era of society, or do you finally want to live it up?

[Sandybr367]

Thanks for your ever so slightly sarcastic response. I was thinking every opinion is valuable and appreciated, yet I am still unsure what I got out of your message in terms of value.

 

Divorce your wife, be with your true love. Sweep her off her feet and you will be happy for years to come. Your son can only profit from a happy dad, and kids can easily be coaxed into not resenting their leaving parent by buying them fancy stuff and doing things that are fun together.

 

What are you waiting for? Do you want to spend the rest of your life stuck with old family images set by a long-gone era of society, or do you finally want to live it up?

[No Limit]

Thanks for your ever so slightly sarcastic response. I was thinking every opinion is valuable and appreciated, yet I am still unsure what I got out of your message in terms of value.

 

To be honest, only 50% was sarcastic.

 

A divorce has lots of positive effects; your wife might finally find her backbone, your son gets the example set that infidelity is unacceptable and may not do it to his own family in the future (although I'll admit, anything can happen, and he might make experiences in life which turn his moral code upside down, you never know). You also help a woman emotionally wreaked by her divorce, doesn't matter whether its long lasting or not; the feeling of being more attractive than the wife will always flatter a good OW.

 

Also, the gravity of divorce - and later fallout with true love babe - may make you appreciate what you have more and get you 'back on track'.

 

I can already feel the enraged and horrified reactions from men who abandoned their families and ended up with terrible regret - but be honest, would you have felt this way if you hadn't acted the way you did? No, you wouldn't. So yes, I believe wayward people need this experience to not further poison their social surroundings.

 

And if you ask nicely, your spouse might even take you back years later.

[Steen719]

To be honest, only 50% was sarcastic.

 

A divorce has lots of positive effects; your wife might finally find her backbone, your son gets the example set that infidelity is unacceptable and may not do it to his own family in the future (although I'll admit, anything can happen, and he might make experiences in life which turn his moral code upside down, you never know). You also help a woman emotionally wreaked by her divorce, doesn't matter whether its long lasting or not; the feeling of being more attractive than the wife will always flatter a good OW.

 

Also, the gravity of divorce - and later fallout with true love babe - may make you appreciate what you have more and get you 'back on track'.

 

I can already feel the enraged and horrified reactions from men who abandoned their families and ended up with terrible regret - but be honest, would you have felt this way if you hadn't acted the way you did? No, you wouldn't. So yes, I believe wayward people need this experience to not further poison their social surroundings.

 

And if you ask nicely, your spouse might even take you back years later.

 

My XH - filled with regret, anger, bitterness and he has a lousy relationship with our son, who is a fine young man who struggles to want to have a relationship with his dad. He is not even with the OW. I don't know if he is with anyone or not, but he is not happy. He ruined us both financially and he isn't even with her. Just sad.

[elaine567]

Staying with a woman who doesn't really float your boat will be a mistake, you may amble along together for a while but I predict you will either resume your affair or will take on a new OW in time. Your marriage doesn't sound like the love affair of the century, so it will need a huge amount of work, if you are to reconcile, years and years, is it really worth it?

Your son is still fairly young perhaps better to split now than split when he is 10 or a teenager. You are going to be in his life anyway, I presume no matter how it pans out.

Your wife is going to find out about the affair somehow and once she knows the full extent of it, she may be in no mood to reconcile, so that may not be an option.

 

I think you were like a dry sponge, your marriage had dried you out, along comes the OW and you just sucked her all up.

You are now having the love affair you should have had with your wife before you got married, and you will not be thinking straight, but that doesn't in my eyes negate it completely. You do however need to iron out all the issues especially your son, if you are thinking of moving on with your OW.

Prince Charles has a very similar story to you, no-one now calls him a dirt bag, nor do they assume he and Camilla are not in it for the long haul.

[truncated]

Thank you both for responding. Looks like we are 2 for 2 on hitting the reset button. Do you really feel that is the better option FOR MY SON?

 

If you really and truly believe that you and your wife can stay together and never let any of your actions and choices impact your son, if you think you can give him a loving, conflict free home if you stay together, and that means ending your affair for good and putting your wife and marraige first, then maybe you have a shot at staying together being best for your son.That would also entail a lot of counseling and hard work for the two of you. Do you think you have that in you?

 

The problem is that, given what you say, it doesn't sound like you have a good shot at doing that. Your intentions may start out well, but eventually, you may well stray again. By then , your child will be older and it will hurt even more. It also sounds like it's more your freedom to do what you want when you want that is the big draw to the affair ( short vacations whenever you like, lots of free time to spend with just the two of you, etc.) Of course your wife can't give you those, and there is no way she could ever compete with your OW, nor should she have to.

 

It sounds like, for you, putting your son first means ending both your marraige and affair. That way, it will be much less painful to your wife and better for your son and you as well. The longer you keep your wife dangling, the more cruel you are being and the angrier and more resentful she will become, which is understandable. That will poison her, and your son as well. Kids aren't stupid and see a whole lot more than adults realize. Even if you both do your best to hide your hurtful behavior from him, he may well figure it out. She is the mother of your child and deserves a damned lot better than what you are givng her now.

[dreamingoftigers]

Oh boy.

 

I didn't realize that your wife didn't know yet.

 

Ugh.

 

Just tell her the truth and stop dragging it out like a kid who can't decide betwen which flavor of pie to eat. Tell her the truth so she has a real choice too.

[SoleMate]

Looks like we are 2 for 2 on hitting the reset button. Do you really feel that is the better option FOR MY SON?

I'm channeling your son right now and he says, "Whatever else you do, at least be honest with Mom." Since it appears fidelity to your wife isn't a realistic plan for you, then the next best most decent thing to do is to confess your affair and ask your wife to work with you on an orderly plan for separation and divorce.

[truncated]

When it comes to the effects of divorce on kids, I can only share what I have seen in others, as my parents never divorced, and my hsuband and I have been married a long time.

 

Divorce isn't easy on kids. I know from seeing my own kids friends, all of whom have divorced parents, that it can be a really hard go. This being said, the ones who seem the happiest are the ones who's moms and dads "divorced well', and there was no affair involved. From what I have overhead between them and my own kids, most of them knew mom or dad was cheating even though it was covered up and their parents thought they had no idea. These kids are all angry about it, and I don't ever recall hearing any one of them say that they understood why mom or dad cheated. I've been a sympathetic ear for a lot of them, and these are the things I have learned.

 

In my opinion, the only way you should stay withyour wife is if your are willing to cut your other woman off cold turkey, be honest with your wife about the affair and seek counselling for the two of you. If you aren't willing to do those things, then it's probably time to exit stage left from your marraige with grace.