JROB31 Posted December 13, 2014 Posted December 13, 2014 Heys guys I was searching on Google for advice and found this site. I just recently split up with my girlfriend of 5 years. Its a long story but Ill give some details to spare the time. Me and her were together since we were 17 now 22. We loved each other and did a whole of hell lot together. We are both from Florida and We moved in together in an entirely different state and were on the track to get married. We essentially lived as a married couple but just didn't seal the deal (which im not sure if it was a mistake or not now ). We both scored good jobs for our age and were making are way as responsible adults. Well im not sure what happened but our love life started to die, we fought more, and I was just a straight A-Wipe and treated her poorly at times I can unfortunately and stupidly admit. This lead to some woman eventaully at work getting in between me and my girlfriend at the time. She was hurt in her relationship and we started talking about our situations. One things led to another and she sent me some texts that suggested she wanted more than friendship which my ex ended up seeing and was devastated. I didn't know what was going on at this point I was confused myself and did some more childish things that ultimately led her to leave me. I begged her to stay but she got her parents involved etc and drove back down to our home state. I have since moved back down to our home state as well and saw her a couple of times and we made love, kissed, etc but she insists she needs space and time to rethink all of this. Its hurting the hell out of me because I don't know what to do . I realize I made a mistake that I wont ever let happen again but what do I do from here? I have told her if space is what she wants go take it. But I love this girl more than I can explain. Any input would help me so much. I'm just trying to get through this day alone.
HurtGator Posted December 13, 2014 Posted December 13, 2014 Heys guys I was searching on Google for advice and found this site. I just recently split up with my girlfriend of 5 years. Its a long story but Ill give some details to spare the time. Me and her were together since we were 17 now 22. We loved each other and did a whole of hell lot together. We are both from Florida and We moved in together in an entirely different state and were on the track to get married. We essentially lived as a married couple but just didn't seal the deal (which im not sure if it was a mistake or not now ). We both scored good jobs for our age and were making are way as responsible adults. Well im not sure what happened but our love life started to die, we fought more, and I was just a straight A-Wipe and treated her poorly at times I can unfortunately and stupidly admit. This lead to some woman eventaully at work getting in between me and my girlfriend at the time. She was hurt in her relationship and we started talking about our situations. One things led to another and she sent me some texts that suggested she wanted more than friendship which my ex ended up seeing and was devastated. I didn't know what was going on at this point I was confused myself and did some more childish things that ultimately led her to leave me. I begged her to stay but she got her parents involved etc and drove back down to our home state. I have since moved back down to our home state as well and saw her a couple of times and we made love, kissed, etc but she insists she needs space and time to rethink all of this. Its hurting the hell out of me because I don't know what to do . I realize I made a mistake that I wont ever let happen again but what do I do from here? I have told her if space is what she wants go take it. But I love this girl more than I can explain. Any input would help me so much. I'm just trying to get through this day alone. You emotionally cheated on your exgf and now she's trying to cope with it. She doesn't know if she could trust you again so you are at the mercy of her decision/thoughts. Did you already explain to her why you did it and why you won't do it again? If you have, you just have to give her the space she wants to pray/hope for her to come through. Don't be surprised if she doesn't get back together with you. 1
Satu Posted December 13, 2014 Posted December 13, 2014 If she says she needs space, thats what she needs, and you have to give it to her. In the meantime, you can work on your own feelings and try to find some peace inside. If there's a trustworthy person you can talk to that might help. Keeping it all inside never helps. Keep busy, do everything you have to do, and just let her be for now. 2
HurtGator Posted December 13, 2014 Posted December 13, 2014 See, all relationships eventually get to the stage where there is arguing and fighting when the honeymoon period ends. At this point of the relationship you should be working on resolving these conflicts between you and her and not get other people involved. Basically, she's trying to assess if you will jump ship to some other girl as soon things get a bit rough in your relationship with ex. 2
Author JROB31 Posted December 13, 2014 Author Posted December 13, 2014 Thanks guys for some insight. I know I have to give her space but my question is do I do the NC rule as its talked about her. Or do I periodically let her know I still love her I really dont want to lose her but I know I messed up. Im thinking about joining the air force after all of this but im emotionally in this rut about wanting her and forgiving myself.. which is hard to do. I think about her constantly and we broke up in oct. NC didnt start till about 3 days ago
Satu Posted December 13, 2014 Posted December 13, 2014 Thanks guys for some insight. I know I have to give her space but my question is do I do the NC rule as its talked about her. Or do I periodically let her know I still love her I really dont want to lose her but I know I messed up. Im thinking about joining the air force after all of this but im emotionally in this rut about wanting her and forgiving myself.. which is hard to do. I think about her constantly and we broke up in oct. NC didn't start till about 3 days ago I honestly think you should just let her be. Let her contact you when she feels ready. Repeatedly telling her that you want her, and don't want to lose her, might feel like pressure, and that would work against you. The best thing you can do is get on with your life and the things you have to do, so that when she does get in touch, you've got things in good order at your end. That will make a favourable impression.
Author JROB31 Posted December 13, 2014 Author Posted December 13, 2014 So just like that I should drop her from my life? It seems like im stabbing myself all while it SEEMS she wants me then changes how she feels 2 days later. Im tired of being on a cloud to be droppped back on my butt..however it may be irrational for me to be like this for what i have done. But I will focus on me and my apperance..my life etc but at the same time guys im having a hard time thinking about the sweet memories and just saying forget it all.
Author JROB31 Posted December 13, 2014 Author Posted December 13, 2014 Also what would the rules of other interactions be?
yololin Posted December 13, 2014 Posted December 13, 2014 This is a tough situation. You both know how much this is worth. Six years of life and growth. It is time you will never get back. Its hard for you both to leave this. But at this moment, it is what it is. Broken. Can it be fixed? Do you want to fix this? does she? Are you sure you want to stay together? You are a long way from your thirties and the rest of your life. If you get back with her, is it a good thing? If you really love her, think about what is the best for her. Are you who she should be with? Can you marry her and make her happy forever? Or do you want to get back with her because you feel bad. I've been through this. And now we aren't together. I'm so happy that she has found someone who makes her happy.
Satu Posted December 14, 2014 Posted December 14, 2014 So just like that I should drop her from my life? It seems like im stabbing myself all while it SEEMS she wants me then changes how she feels 2 days later. Im tired of being on a cloud to be droppped back on my butt..however it may be irrational for me to be like this for what i have done. But I will focus on me and my apperance..my life etc but at the same time guys im having a hard time thinking about the sweet memories and just saying forget it all. She said she wants space. 1
Author JROB31 Posted December 15, 2014 Author Posted December 15, 2014 I understand she wants space. But what im saying is that I love her and I know we make each other happy but there were things that were unhealthy within the relationship from both ends. I want to shiw her that these things can be worked on and how ive learned from my mistakes. The man she fell in love with. I dont want to seem overbearing though and turn her off. Im just confused now that shes out of my life and it hurts like nothing else ive felt before... is it right to call her?
Author JROB31 Posted December 15, 2014 Author Posted December 15, 2014 Well as satu said I will let her be. But how do I make sure she doesnt fall out of love completely? It just seems like not saying anything to her will make her turn her back and not look back.
Invictus01 Posted December 15, 2014 Posted December 15, 2014 Well as satu said I will let her be. But how do I make sure she doesnt fall out of love completely? It just seems like not saying anything to her will make her turn her back and not look back. You can't do anything about it. You really can't. You can, however, do and say a whole lot of things that will push her away even more. And it will be very easy to do. So, it is really your call but if I were you, I would let her be.
Halcyon Posted December 15, 2014 Posted December 15, 2014 (edited) JROB31 I think a lot of this will have a lot to do with how you reacted after she found out you were emotionally cheating on her and yes you were. If you didn't own what you did and were remorseful and genuinely apologize for what you did the chances of reconciliation are incredibly low. You need to understand that emotional cheating is as bad if not worse than physical cheating for some people. The reason I know this is my previous ex before my last girlfriend did this to me and my god did it ****ing hurt. Compounded by the fact when I caught her out she out rightly denied what was going on until I showed her that I knew exactly what was going on. Then the excuses, endless excuses not once did she ever say she was sorry she worded things in such as a way it was "I'm sorry your upset but I'm not sorry for what I did". She refused to stop communicating with the guy so I left that day and never looked back she was shell shocked that I left so quickly. Why the hell would I want to be with someone who lied to me, abused/broke my love and trust who was remorseless and couldn't even apologize. To be honest the person your GF fell in love with is dead. You have to accept that even if you guys got back together it would never be the same as it was and it's naive to think it would be. People can only hurt each other so much before it can't be put back together, it's probably best to move on to be honest. The person I fell in love with is dead as well, I don't know who the person she was replaced with is it's certainly not the person I fell for. She still tries to contact some of my friends to try and get crumbs of how I'm doing she is too cowardly to contact me directly not that I would want to talk to her anyway it's almost been a year since we broke up and I have no interest in what she has to say. Well as satu said I will let her be. But how do I make sure she doesnt fall out of love completely? It just seems like not saying anything to her will make her turn her back and not look back. Honestly you have already lost her. It's incredibly hard to forgive someone once you break the trust and it's very hard if not impossible in most cases to rebuild that. All you can do is learn from your mistakes and never do that again if you care about the person you are with. Edited December 15, 2014 by Halcyon 1
Chi townD Posted December 15, 2014 Posted December 15, 2014 So just like that I should drop her from my life? It seems like im stabbing myself all while it SEEMS she wants me then changes how she feels 2 days later. Well, if you feel like you're stabbing yourself; well, because you did. You cheated on her by getting involved with other women. That was your choice. Now, she's in the driver's seat as far as where this relationship goes. You got a 50/50 shot of getting her back. But, if you don't respect HER wishes I'll guarantee you've got zero chance.. And right now, she wants some space. You want to lose her? Then don't do what she asks.
Author JROB31 Posted December 15, 2014 Author Posted December 15, 2014 Honestly you have already lost her. It's incredibly hard to forgive someone once you break the trust and it's very hard if not impossible in most cases to rebuild that. All you can do is learn from your mistakes and never do that again if you care about the person you are with. I understand what you're saying completely this is something that I can honestly say will never happen again I was an idiot to push the woman I love away... one hard life lesson this has been so far.. but what I dont get is the entire month she was being lovey and gave hugs..kisses.. and said she loved me.. however she has since stopped talking to me.. which is throwing me off.. do I ignore all of this? because its just hurting my recovery.
Halcyon Posted December 15, 2014 Posted December 15, 2014 I understand what you're saying completely this is something that I can honestly say will never happen again I was an idiot to push the woman I love away... one hard life lesson this has been so far.. but what I dont get is the entire month she was being lovey and gave hugs..kisses.. and said she loved me.. however she has since stopped talking to me.. which is throwing me off.. do I ignore all of this? because its just hurting my recovery. Unfortunately trust is not restored that easily, you can swear until the cows come home that you will never do it again that doesn't fix it though. The original act is so painful, hurtful, disrespectful and utter disregard for your partners feelings it will take a very long time if ever for her to forgive you. She probably has feelings for you still (I still had feelings for my ex) however can she ever trust you again? Probably not. How will she know you are not off doing something shady when she is not watching, you have done it once and got away with it if she gives you another chance. In many cases it's much easier just to walk away then be with someone you feel you have to be watching 24/7 because they are not trustworthy. Now I want to say I don't think you are a terrible person. If you have learnt that this was a seriously stupid thing and never do it again that is good personal development. However things may be too far gone to fix. You will have to accept you ****ed up big time and that the price was very high and learn to live with that fact. Don't think about getting her back because there is absolutely nothing you can do. It's up to her now and I wouldn't hold your breath. Live and learn. Cherish the people who are close to you. Never take them for granted, never treat them badly unless you want to lose them.
Author JROB31 Posted December 15, 2014 Author Posted December 15, 2014 alright then that's what I will do... Ill give her space and work on who I am as a person in the meantime while she finds what she wishes. I care a lot about her and want the best for her no matter what.. I never wish to cause pain or put any other woman through what I did again...ever. Ill pray for her heart to open up as well.. which I know she needs space to achieve I suppose :(:(:(:(:(:(
Author JROB31 Posted December 15, 2014 Author Posted December 15, 2014 One mistake I wish I never had to learn from... just why did I have to be an idiot...why is all I can keep saying.. Im a royal piece of crap. and feeling that way everyday since she left.. booze isnt helping either... but it does dull the pain
Halcyon Posted December 15, 2014 Posted December 15, 2014 Booze is not the answer man, it's never the answer. Work on yourself for yourself not in a attempt to win her back. Become a better person don't make the same mistakes you made in the past. Accept what you had is gone, don't live on false hope she is coming back, that kind of hope is cancer to your personal recovery. You are not a sack of **** if you learn from what you did. You would only be a sack of **** if you continued this behaviour in future relationships. You have to accept what you did was an incredibly hurtful thing to do and take full responsibility for your choices no if's or buts. Unfortunately you had to learn through to school of life experience which can be quite a cruel teacher but hopefully you will never forget this and grow as a person as a result. Chin up it will get better I promise. I wish I could forgive my ex but it's just not that simple.
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