The hardest qualities to find in a partner...

[HazyCosmicJive]

Perhaps it's choices that it's about in the business world.

I don't always do as I am told at work and often do a total 180 and do something I have been told explicitly not to do.

It's never yet served me badly nor in any detrimental way at all.

 

It depends on your manager. If he's a thin-skinned, insecure Peter-principle type, you'd better do exactly as you're told or it will definitely serve you badly. I've found that the more competent and self-assured the manager is, the less likely they are to punish you for independence and outspokenness.

[acrosstheuniverse]

It's not important to you though.

 

You say that volunteering and helping others is so important to you, but that when you meet such men, you are not properly attracted to them.

 

I think most (if not all) people generally react this way. You could meet somebody who fits your interests to a tee, but if they are not attractive, then it's game off.

 

Well the question was, qualities you find extremely difficult to find in a romantic partner... agreed, it's not THAT important to me, it would just be something lovely I've never experienced.

 

Also to be fair, I have met several guys through the voluntary work but the vast majority are/were already married or in relationships or really not age appropriate. If I were to look at guys who were within a reasonable age range, and single, the number dwindles hugely.

 

And I agree, if you're not attracted to somebody then no amount of shared interests are going to help you be more into one another. I don't think it's necessary that they should be 'attractive' stereotypically as I've dated several guys who were physically very average or some below average I guess, but due to the shared interests, or chemistry, or sheer ability to make each other laugh, I was crazy attracted to them.

 

The one 'superficial' trait (as in one that isn't as essential as something like fidelity or intellect, and is more to do with interests) that I absolutely cannot do without, is a passion for music. I don't think I've ever had a relationship that hasn't been with a musician. I'm so crazy passionate about music myself that I find it impossible to click romantically with somebody who's just not into it.

[ThaWholigan]

Hardest to find for me?

 

Emotional consistency. It's either one extreme or the other. Some balance would be more preferable but I understand that it's difficult for a lot of people to achieve for a number of reasons.

[smackie9]

Music? yes me too. There's another thread about "deal breakers" I got slammed on because it's a deal breaker for me if they don't share the same taste and passion for music. But it's not difficult to find this quality.

[GemmaUK]

It depends on your manager. If he's a thin-skinned, insecure Peter-principle type, you'd better do exactly as you're told or it will definitely serve you badly. I've found that the more competent and self-assured the manager is, the less likely they are to punish you for independence and outspokenness.

 

 

Could be yep.

 

 

I admit though that I don't last well with thin skinned Peter Principle types.

I will and have left companies for that very reason.

 

 

If I can have no input - actual input then I don't see myself as having much value.

 

 

My 'go against rules' times have been for the better-hood of the business in general.

My managers have respected and appreciated that. Not necessarily at the time but later down the line for sure.

 

 

In relationships my 'taking responsibility for things' comment earlier in this thread also relates to this kind of thing. I take responsibility for things that I do against the 'rules' 100%.

Men I have dated in their late 30's and early 40's - or those I have dated anyway appear to see so many things as having nothing to do with them and they are 'hard done by'.

Simply put it's BS much of the time as they did indeed have impact/interest in/something to do with what happened. They just like blaming others.

 

 

To me it shows no personal growth.

[smackie9]

Hardest to find for me?

 

Emotional consistency. It's either one extreme or the other. Some balance would be more preferable but I understand that it's difficult for a lot of people to achieve for a number of reasons.

 

 

It could be a pattern you are falling into. There must be something that attracts you to this type.

[ThaWholigan]

It could be a pattern you are falling into. There must be something that attracts you to this type.

Possibly, I certainly don't rule that out. I'd obviously have to find out why.

 

Saying that, I'm not exactly a prolific dater anyway, I haven't even dated since summer last year!

[Hopeful30]

Agreed. I don't send the food back because I know how hard they work and understand that in the bigger scheme of things, it's no biggie that the food is not exactly to my taste. In fact, if I was on a date and the guy did that I would note that he thinks he is the center of the universe and lacks empathy.

 

So basically you're saying you would rather pay money and sit for the next half hour or so eating something you didn't even want? Why? The waiter is getting paid to work, and by not pointing out that they made a mistake, you're actually keeping them from learning and getting better at what they do.

 

 

Handling stress well. And I'm not talking about the oh I have a deadline due at work and my parents are coming to visit and I haven't cleaned the house. I'm talking major stress from life throwing serious curveballs...... a dying relative, being laid off, severe medical problems, etc. I was taught to buckledown and deal with things knowing that it'll get messy, ugly, and downright uncomfortable. Bailing and falling apart are not options. You weather the storm and look forward to when things will be better. I want a guy who's going to wade through all the crap with me because he gets that we're a team and that's just what we have to do even though it sucks, not bail or fall apart.

 

Yes!! Maybe that's what I meant by fearless. A man who I know that, literally, no matter WHAT, we can get through it together (and I don't have to pull the weight myself). To me it means strength. I need a strong man who can endure tough things. Why is it so hard to find? I'm like that... lol

 

Music? yes me too. There's another thread about "deal breakers" I got slammed on because it's a deal breaker for me if they don't share the same taste and passion for music. But it's not difficult to find this quality.

 

There is nothing wrong with that being a deal breaker. Just because people don't value music (and sharing this experience with a partner) the same way you do doesn't mean they have ANY right to criticize or devalue it.

 

Since when is music being a deal breaker any less valid than sex, kids, or religion as deal breakers? I never understood why it's so hard for people to just understand and accept that most people will not value the same things.

Edited December 13, 2014 by Hopeful30

[GemmaUK]

Music? yes me too. There's another thread about "deal breakers" I got slammed on because it's a deal breaker for me if they don't share the same taste and passion for music. But it's not difficult to find this quality.

 

 

 

I find this a really tough thing to find in men my age. I really don't get why either as there has been so much great music around and to find in my lifetime.

 

 

My music tastes are all over the place but I could not just listen to 80's pop music - this seems to be the thing men in their 40's are into.

 

 

Myself and my LT ex had a great many musical passions in common and some we totally didn't agree on at all.

 

 

I don't want to date a man who wants to come to a gig with me because he thinks I will cheat on him (something I have never done and would not dream of). I want him to come along because he also loves the band..and has heard of them.

[Woggle]

I am not picky about music but I would somewhat draw the line at a woman who is really into boy bands and manufactured pop stars. I wouldn't click with a woman that grew up on Backstreet Boys, Britney Spears, Spice Girls and all that late 90s disney music.

[smackie9]

My friend says the same thing and I have to agree. If you are like me and go to see a lot of bands, you want to be able to have someone that loves to share that experience with you. It's all part of what makes them attractive.

[smackie9]

I find this a really tough thing to find in men my age. I really don't get why either as there has been so much great music around and to find in my lifetime.

 

 

My music tastes are all over the place but I could not just listen to 80's pop music - this seems to be the thing men in their 40's are into.

.

 

Must be demographics because where I live there are plenty of men around my age and older that are into new music, and not the pop crap played on the radio.

[acrosstheuniverse]

Music? yes me too. There's another thread about "deal breakers" I got slammed on because it's a deal breaker for me if they don't share the same taste and passion for music. But it's not difficult to find this quality.

 

See for me, it's not even that he needs to be into 'my' style of music... I just want someone who's absolutely passionate about any music, whatever it is. Even if it's polar opposite to mine, such as hip hop or even country and western... as long as he can wax lyrical for a good solid hour on why his favourite album of all time holds that spot in his heart, that's good enough for me

 

When I ask somebody what music they're into and they say 'I like everything really' it's an instant deal breaker. As a musician, with a music degree, who's spent months touring the country and the world in orchestras and bands... it just signifies to me instantly that we are not compatible in the most fundamental way.

 

I'm sure many guys think the same about me when I say I'm not into sport, or that I don't really 'get' or enjoy art... each to their own! But as a musician, I don't see how I could long term be partners with somebody really nonplussed by music.

 

Plus a boyfriend is the BEST gig buddy: always available and means I don't have to go to as many shows alone!

[Woggle]

I think modern music became so awful for a while that people who grew up when good stuff was the norm just stop listening to new stuff. I try and look for new stuff and I do find gems but it gets a bit exhausting trying to give new stuff a chance and just being disappointed over and over again.

[JuneJulySeptember]

 

When I ask somebody what music they're into and they say 'I like everything really' it's an instant deal breaker. As a musician, with a music degree, who's spent months touring the country and the world in orchestras and bands... it just signifies to me instantly that we are not compatible in the most fundamental way.

 

Unless you really are a full time touring professional musician (and I know MANY who do that and struggle to varying degrees), then I'd suggest you do not screen so heavily on that. I'm guessing you are in your 20s.

 

If and when you decide to have a family, you will see just how much on the backburner things like that become for amateur musicians.

 

You're shrinking your pool tremendously. Perhaps you're attractive enough to where that is fine for you, but still, not a good idea.

[GemmaUK]

I am not picky about music but I would somewhat draw the line at a woman who is really into boy bands and manufactured pop stars. I wouldn't click with a woman that grew up on Backstreet Boys, Britney Spears, Spice Girls and all that late 90s disney music.

 

 

 

This would make me die...........................

 

 

However, I seem to attract men who like Queen, Status Quo, The Pointer Sisters....to me this is as bad as all those you have listed.

 

 

I am a snob I guess..

 

 

I just would love to meet someone who liked something a little bit different rather than mainstream.

 

 

I like and love 'some' mainstream stuff but I couldn't listen to it all the time.

I've quit playing my music when a guy is around.

[Woggle]

What is so bad about Queen? They made great music and like it or not they had talent unlike processed Disney music.

[sillyanswer]

Was wondering what other qualities you guys feel are most difficult to find in a partner?

 

Awesomeness.

[GemmaUK]

Must be demographics because where I live there are plenty of men around my age and older that are into new music, and not the pop crap played on the radio.

 

 

It's not new music.

Mostly I love the stuff I grew up with or went and found.

 

 

The men I have dated are into over commercialised carp - the female equivalent of die hard pop.

[acrosstheuniverse]

I think modern music became so awful for a while that people who grew up when good stuff was the norm just stop listening to new stuff. I try and look for new stuff and I do find gems but it gets a bit exhausting trying to give new stuff a chance and just being disappointed over and over again.

 

I don't understand it when people say this, like 'there is no good music nowadays', there is SO much incredible music being made that is below the surface and most people never get to hear. I've been following 20 or so bands for the past decade, that are consistently releasing new and amazing material. I always think that people are talking about popular chart music when they say that modern music is awful.

 

Unless you really are a full time touring professional musician (and I know MANY who do that and struggle to varying degrees), then I'd suggest you do not screen so heavily on that. I'm guessing you are in your 20s.

 

If and when you decide to have a family, you will see just how much on the backburner things like that become for amateur musicians.

 

You're shrinking your pool tremendously. Perhaps you're attractive enough to where that is fine for you, but still, not a good idea.

 

I'm in my twenties yes, I can't help the way I feel on screening for a passion for music, but I do know I would have little in common long term with somebody who didn't prioritise music in their life as heavily as I do in mine. It's the fact I listen to it round the clock, that I go to so many shows in so many cities, that I spend hours playing the piano, that I find few things more enjoyable than a good quality live DVD from a band I'm into or watching a guitar clinic, it's the fact that I love music enough to have a handful of tattoos related to specific albums I can't live without...

 

I'm not bothered about people making a living from music (I certainly don't, it's a hobby alongside my career in something entirely different, although I have indeed done the touring musician thing before), I just want someone who's passionate about it. And you can do that while forging a great career in something not remotely related to music, while having a family, and so forth.

 

It's not a choice for me anyway, it's just who I am. If someone doesn't get music, they rarely 'get' me, I've found from experience. I'm happy to have a smaller pool of dating prospects as long as they're quality prospects, and I've never been without a monogamous relationships while I've wanted one, I've never been unhappily single if that makes sense. I find in the circles I move in, most guys are indeed heavily into music so there's no shortage of available partners.

[GemmaUK]

What is so bad about Queen? They made great music and like it or not they had talent unlike processed Disney music.

 

 

 

I can't listen to them all of the time.

 

 

I like punk...Bad Religion, Green Day, NOFX

 

 

I like SKA: The Beat. Rancid

 

 

I like Suzanne Vega, Erie Satie, Brian Eno.

 

 

I like Sarah Bareilles too.

 

 

I like Elvis Costello and The Cure.

 

 

I like Japan and Ryuichi Sakamoto.

 

 

I like classical - Beethoven and Brahms.

 

 

I like David Bowie.

 

 

Queen is OK...but not on my list.

Elvis isn't either.

 

 

 

 

Maybe my likes are too diverse?

 

 

Perhaps I need to alter them.

These are passions though..

How do I alter a passion?

I did say I was a snob.

[Phoe]

Tries to give sexual pleasure is a hard quality to find. Non abusive and non manipulative is a bit difficult as well.

[Danda]

People who actually invest in introspection and understand how they feel and why. This doesn't seem to be a male/female thing, but it's something that I scan for fairly early in a romantic sort of scenario.

 

I understand that most people like small talk to warm up and break ice or even get comfortable for a period of time, but eventually I want to move into more deeper topics and find out what they think/feel about things and why.

 

The vast majority of people (male or female) have no opinions and no idea when it comes to such things, and then they seem either totally disinterested or annoyed if I want to talk about things and then ask them what they think given the info provided.

 

Even worse is when someone can't just start at square one of, "I've never thought about it before," and then talk about why not, but instead will try to mirror something they've heard or read in an editorial-like piece somewhere in order to sound like they've thought about it considerably. Then when I ask more questions they get real flustered and pissed real fast because they've never actually thought about it and usually wind up contradicting themselves and such.

 

I also like to be stimulated/engaged in this manner and hear about what a person is passionate and why and then let myself think on it for a bit and see what my initial feeling/opinion is.

 

This type of conversation and deeper thinking is something I just about need in a romantic partnership and it seems hard to find.

 

It doesn't have to be about stereotypical topics, either, like politics or spirituality or current global conflicts and whatnot.

 

For example I have very little interest at all in sports, and the guy I attempted to hook up with last month was a total sports fanatic. But he knew exactly why he enjoyed sports and we had an interesting discussion on it, about how sports are simulated warfare and how they seem to serve as the modern man's outlet for instinctive conquest desires or pent up rage. We talked about women's sports and the similarities and differences. He also talked a bit about male bonding when it comes to sports.

 

I didn't need to know a thing about sports or be interested in them at all to have an interesting / thought-provoking conversation with this guy on the topic.

 

Most of the time I feel like I go through life with a kind of uppity, smarter-than-thou attitude while surrounded by zombies, but I don't think it's because I'm genuinely wise or especially intelligent or anything. It's just that it's so hard to find people who actually want to think and talk about things in such a manner.

[JuneJulySeptember]

I'm in my twenties yes, I can't help the way I feel on screening for a passion for music, but I do know I would have little in common long term with somebody who didn't prioritise music in their life as heavily as I do in mine. It's the fact I listen to it round the clock, that I go to so many shows in so many cities, that I spend hours playing the piano, that I find few things more enjoyable than a good quality live DVD from a band I'm into or watching a guitar clinic, it's the fact that I love music enough to have a handful of tattoos related to specific albums I can't live without...

 

I'm not bothered about people making a living from music (I certainly don't, it's a hobby alongside my career in something entirely different, although I have indeed done the touring musician thing before), I just want someone who's passionate about it. And you can do that while forging a great career in something not remotely related to music, while having a family, and so forth.

 

It's not a choice for me anyway, it's just who I am. If someone doesn't get music, they rarely 'get' me, I've found from experience. I'm happy to have a smaller pool of dating prospects as long as they're quality prospects, and I've never been without a monogamous relationships while I've wanted one, I've never been unhappily single if that makes sense. I find in the circles I move in, most guys are indeed heavily into music so there's no shortage of available partners.

 

I'm trying to give you a glimpse into the future.

 

Namely, when you have kids, none of that sh@t will matter. Sad as it may seem, it is true.

 

In any case, if you have enough options to choose from, it's a moot point.

[GravityMan]

Open-mindedness while still being assertive and having solid positions. I like people who are able and WILLING to consider alternate ideas and perspectives, and can look at things from multiple angles. Some people are ideological to a fault. Compelling views can come from all sorts of people. It is possible (and good) to be open-minded while still having strong opinions on stuff. I'm not fond of narrow-mindedness or worse, the "my way or the highway" types.

 

Unfortunately, this is a quality that is often punished in real life, particularly in the business world. I am not afraid of speaking my mind at work, but it has definitely held me back. Sad to say, management doesn't want independent thinkers, they want obedience.

 

That depends on company culture. Any company or (thin-skinned) manager that suppresses disagreement or independent thinkers is not a place where I'd want to be...the environment may be oppressive. Where I work, employee happiness is important, and for the most part nearly all of us are willing to speak our minds and disagree with management. However there is an art to doing that in a professional, respectful way that doesn't rock the boat too much. You don't want your outspokenness to come across as an attack.