nolanola Posted December 13, 2014 Posted December 13, 2014 I have been posting on the breaks and break-ups page, but I thought I might find some good advice on this page regarding dealing with a divorced dad. I have never been married, I do not have kids. In theory I want both of these, but my past relationships have either been a hot mess or just not worked out. I don't feel an overwhelming urge to get married right now and don't think I come across that way. I met a man a while ago and then re-connected earlier this year. He pursued me, not overly so at first, but then more so as we got to know each other. I found out he was divorced early on (he was still married when we first met) and his divorce was final about 9 months ago (about 3 months when he first reached out to me). I found out that he has kids about 2 months in (we are long distance so we don't see each other super often) and I was cool with it. This was surprising to me as it was somewhat of a shock to me and he was obviously extremely nervous to tell me. He seemed very relieved that I was so cool about everything. Things seemed to be going well for a while after (several months) until I began to feel him pull away a bit. When I talked to him about it and told him that I liked him and wanted to see how he felt and where he wanted things to go, he seemed to be pretty unsure. He couldn't really give me an answer other than to say that he felt such a responsibility to his kids to not mess things up for them. He said he had originally thought that he wouldn't date anyone when he got divorced, but that his feelings were starting to change. He did say that he felt it was unfair to ask me to wait for him. Immediately after that talk, he contacted me a lot, almost like he was worried I was mad at him or wouldn't talk to him anymore or something. Since that time, over the past couple of weeks, he has lessened his contact a lot. Where he used to text every few days, now he calls once a week. I guess it's not really a break up per se since we weren't in a relationship to start with, but I was really hopeful that things might work out. I definitely think I was developing feelings for him. I guess my question is whether I should hold out any hope that he may come back around. Like I said, I've never been divorced, so I don't know how that goes, but I can see it was very hard for him. I do think he is still processing it. I know people say that if a guy is into you, he won't let you go, but it feels like that's what happening, so I guess he's just not into me? Some people have told me that I should be his friend and I want to try to do this, but it's hard. I don't want to be a fool sitting here thinking of him when he is using me as an emotional crutch. Divorced dads out there, any insight?
acrosstheuniverse Posted December 13, 2014 Posted December 13, 2014 I know people say that if a guy is into you, he won't let you go, but it feels like that's what happening, so I guess he's just not into me? I'm not a divorced dad but you hit the nail on the head right there! Maybe with the 'right person' he'd be blown away enough to date them, maybe he's just too overwhelmed with learning to be a single dad he's not available to anybody emotionally. But the reason behind his unavailability should be of no concern to you, he's not going to suddenly change his mind and ask you to be his partner, so you need to go no contact and move on. I've known Dads to divorce, start dating someone within a few months and be living with them within the year, and it go on to last years (so not a rebound) so I don't think this is necessarily a situation you will get much insight into from asking 'divorced Dads': no two people are the same and divorced dads aren't a homogenous group, just a set of individuals with similar personal circumstances. It's a little strange you're still holding onto hope when you speak maybe once a week now, that's next to no contact at all, he's not thinking of you on the other six days of the week when you're not in touch. Sadly he's not interested and I think the best way to move on would be to go no contact so you heal: definitely do NOT try and be his friend. It's not what you want, you want more, so don't be dishonest or try and play the long game to win him over because pretty soon he'll blindside you and tell you excitedly about his new girlfriend and leave you devastated. You tried dating, it didn't work out, he's no longer interested so start to focus more on yourself, and on dating other people. Your feelings for him will soon melt away if you stop being in contact.
DivorcedDad123 Posted December 13, 2014 Posted December 13, 2014 "he felt such a responsibility to his kids to not mess things up for them. " ^^THIS^^ While I dated a few women, I always took the time to evaluate how compatible they would be with the kids. Some guys don't care, but it was a major decision maker for me. With you not having kids, you can't understand this. It's just the way things are. They may have been gorgeous, but I'm not having someone who has to party every night around the kids,or someone who needs to be first, because like it or not, the kids needs always come first. It's the consequences of dating someone who's divorced with kids. 1
Author nolanola Posted December 13, 2014 Author Posted December 13, 2014 I very much appreciate both of your responses. I think I have some work to do on myself, because I am letting this hurt me a lot and I really do think it is a circumstances issue. I understand what you say that's he's not interested and I think that is the black and white view - but it is not black and white to me. I was raised by a single dad and I had some experience with meeting his girlfriends - some of them were nut jobs. I am not a partier or anything like that, I am established in my professional job and dedicated to that. In fact, he and I are both in healthcare and met doing medical mission work. I respect that he thinks of his children first and it's one of the things that I liked most about him. I have not met them, but he has sent me a lot of pictures and has told me a lot about them. I know I shouldn't hope for things to be different in the future, but when you are upset about things, sometimes that's where your mind goes. He still contacts me and so far I haven't had the heart and/or courage to tell him that I need some space, but I know this is what I need. I can't live in hope. Divorceddad123, can I ask how long you have been divorced? I'm just curious how you knew you were ready to start dating and how long it was before you saw yourself getting seriously involved with anyone. Hopefully that's not too personal, I just don't know a lot of divorced men and it's pretty foreign to me.
DivorcedDad123 Posted December 14, 2014 Posted December 14, 2014 My divorce wasn't final until August of this year. It took 3 years from filing date to finish. I started dating my current gf 1 1/2 years ago. I didn't introduce her to the kids until after 6 months,for various reasons like;making sure we were going to be long term, being comfortable with her, trusting her, seeing how she acted consistantly,etc.,, I was ready to date within 6 months,and did. The ex and I lived seperately,so that was never a problem. Once one spouse moves out of the marital home, you're free to date and the court won't think anything of it.At least in my jurisdiction. I knew I was ready when I found myself looking forward to getting home from work. When I realized that it was SO nice coming home and being home,with no drama,no bitching,no surprises,...just a peaceful home. I knew I could never go back to living like that again.
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