I don't think you can wait too long for the kiss

[Darren2013]

Posters on here are skeptical and question if I have ever been in a relationship just because I believe in waiting a long time before going in for the kiss.

 

I can only speak from past experience and say that waiting several dates to go for a first kiss does not get a guy put in the friend-zone. I didn't get in some invisible friend-zone when I waited 6 weeks to kiss my first girlfriend.

 

My first girlfriend was in my senior year of high school back in 1998. I started going out with her the first week of October that year. Asked her to dinner. I paid like a gentleman. I shook her hand at the end of the date. I asked her out like every Friday night that month. Sometimes we went bowling, sometimes we went to the movies, sometimes different place for dinner, sometimes she would invite me to her house to watch a movie and she would order Chinese food for both of us.

 

I remember waiting about a month before accepting an invitation into her house during the day. It wasn't until November 21 of that year that I accepted an invitation into her house after sunset and her parents were working late. I had already met the parents in October because I was picking her up at the house. They seemed to like me and over time they built a trust in me because I did not seem like the type to take advantage of their daughter.

 

It was the night of November 21 when I finally had enough nerve to move in for that first kiss. Yeah I remembered the exact date because hey getting the first kiss from first girlfriend only happens once in a lifetime. The only reason I felt it was the right time to move in for the kiss then was because somehow we got talking on a more personal level for over an hour and she talked about how much she enjoyed seeing me every weekend and enjoyed certain details of our outings together. That night was a first kiss and nothing more. Every date before that was just handshake at her front door.

 

Now according to all the stupid BS promoted today I should have already been demoted to the friend-zone by the middle of October that year because I did not go in for the kiss and therefore she should have been creeped out when I went in for the kiss 6 weeks later because by then she should have lost interest.

 

Well it didn't turn out that way. Now someone might say I was a rare exception but I don't believe that. I honestly believe that the reason waiting 6 weeks for the first kiss worked out for me was because that girl really liked me. The chemistry was strong and she really wanted to go out with me. It did not matter that I waited 6 weeks to kiss her. She wasn't putting a time limit in her head saying "I'm demoting him to friend-zone if he doesn't kiss me by date 2".

 

If anything she probably liked me so much and knew that I liked her that she knew it was a matter of time before I would get up enough nerve to kiss her. I don't think she questioned my interest level just because I did not kiss her. If I wasn't interested then I would not continue to ask her out every Friday and pay for the dates. I wouldn't open the car door for her. Guys who are not interested don't continue to ask a woman out every week.

 

So I think it is all BS that there's this pressure put on men to move in for the kiss on the first or second date. I say you move in for the kiss when you feel comfortable enough doing so. I went in for the kiss when I felt comfortable enough and I felt the likelihood was high that she would welcome it. I knew that night November 21 there was still some risk that she would not be into kissing me but I felt comfortable enough to take that risk because she was giving me what I interpreted to be consistent green lights that gave me every reason to believe it is likely safe.

 

When a woman really likes a guy she will help him know that more and more with repeated green light signals that it is okay to move in with a kiss.

 

There was no sex that night. Just a first kiss. The first sexual form of touching did not happen until sometime in December that same year. We did not have actual intercourse until 10 months into the relationship. The relationship lasted 15 months. That wasn't too bad for a high school relationship. We probably lasted longer as a couple than most other high school couples. I don't know of any other couple at that school that lasted a year. It was more common for couples to break up after a few months.

 

So obviously I did something right to keep her around that long. I don't think she held it against me that I waited 6 weeks to kiss her. She probably told all her girlfriends that Darren is a sweet guy and gentleman and was funny and told them various details about our dates. She probably told them that I did everything a guy does on dates except kiss her and she probably just did not understand why I had not kissed her yet.

 

The reason I had not kissed her for a long time was out of shyness. I wasn't playing games. I wasn't purposely holding back. I just wanted to play it safe and wait until I got to know her some more. By the time 6 weeks rolled around she was inviting me to her house after dark when parents were not home yet and she always accepted dates with me and mentioned good things I felt that was a good time to go in for the kiss. It lasted 1 second. I wasn't going to push my luck just yet with a 5 second passionate kiss.

 

Another interesting part of my relationship history. I have been in 5 relationships. In the 4th relationship my girlfriend actually initiated our first kiss on our first night together. She even wanted to go further and make love that first night but I said no. I did not have any condoms prepared and I said that this is all happening way too fast. Our relationship lasted about 4 years. In the 9th or 10th month she talked about wanting to marry me.

[Art_Critic]

everyone has different experiences with this..the one thing ALL of my relationships I have had have in common is that they all ended the first date with a kiss and any date that didn't never went anywhere.

 

to each his own..

 

maybe it comes from the hunt and attack approach, I think I always approached dates with a plan and then enacted that plan.. after all isn't dating supposed to be moving towards a goal already preset.. such as a future together ? and once the plan failed it died at that point.. who knows...

[d0nnivain]

I think you can wait too long. I was used to an expected a kiss good night on the 1st date.

 

My husband did not kiss me until our 3rd date & it was making me crazy in a bad way. If he had not kissed me that night I was fully prepared to break up with him.

[Darren2013]

I think you can wait too long. I was used to an expected a kiss good night on the 1st date.

 

My husband did not kiss me until our 3rd date & it was making me crazy in a bad way. If he had not kissed me that night I was fully prepared to break up with him.[/quote

I find that hard to believe. I mean you married him so obviously you looked at the relationship wholisticly and determined that he was very good for you. So what if he took awhile to get the first kiss in if he was doing everything else right? I'm assuming he did everything else right or else you would not have married him.

 

The fact that it drove you crazy just meant you had high interest level in him. If you were losing interest then why would you even care if he did not kiss you after the 3rd date? There's more to look at in a potential partner than when they go in for the kiss.

[autumnnight]

I agree with you Darren that there is not some hard and fast rule about kissing. In the church I attended growing up, some of my friends had even decided to wait until marriage to kiss (I did not go that far but I admired their strength). I actually probably would have appreciated somebody like you when I was young and dating because I was naive enough to think if a guy kissed me it meant he "liked" me "that way," and so a kiss because it was just expected would have falsely raised my hopes. I was a tad sheltered.

 

I say do what works for YOU and the girl who is compatible with you won't have an issue.

[d0nnivain]

I find that hard to believe. I mean you married him so obviously you looked at the relationship wholisticly and determined that he was very good for you. So what if he took awhile to get the first kiss in if he was doing everything else right? I'm assuming he did everything else right or else you would not have married him.

 

The fact that it drove you crazy just meant you had high interest level in him. If you were losing interest then why would you even care if he did not kiss you after the 3rd date? There's more to look at in a potential partner than when they go in for the kiss.

 

I wasn't losing interest but by the 3rd date I was convinced that he wasn't sexually attracted to me. Just because I liked him, if he didn't like me, I wasn't going to stick around.

 

He did kiss me in the middle of our 3rd date actually I we never looked back.

 

But yes, if that kiss hadn't happened I would have walked away because I would have concluded that we were physically/ sexually incompatible. Sex is important in a relationship / marriage. When the partners don't mesh, there's trouble.

[Gloria25]

I beg to differ....

 

The OP seems to be using a high school experience to justify his stance on when to kiss - and like others said 'to each their own', but again, I beg to differ.

 

Now, while chicks in high school have taken a nose dive in respecting themselves and thinking sex is some way to show a guy is really into you and/or a way to become "popular" - I believe young chicks who are inexperienced in life do not know what to look for in a guy. So, a guy holding off on kissing them isn't something that would raise alarm bells.

 

Also, women - regardless of age - IMO, are funny. They will take on some guy and "hang" with him if you will. They enjoy the company, him paying for this or that, etc. The day he decides to turn this situation into something romantic, they may go with it or not.

 

While I believe in "taking it slow" if I'm serious about someone, I still need "some" sign to know he's actually attracted to me and/or to make sure he doesn't have some hang up about being intimate with others.

 

In other words, while I do not expect sex and/or heavy make outs in the first instances of getting to know a guy - I expect "some" demonstration of him actually being attracted to me (i.e. hugging, holding hands, a soft kiss on the lips or my neck/ears - cuz the whole "kiss on the cheek" thing, IMO, seems to be in the same box with something a "friend" would do, especially in the Hispanic culture I grew up in).

 

So, I'm not a kid in high school anymore. I'm not dating some "boy" who is trying to gain self-confidence. I seek a confident "man". If some guy at my age, older, or at least past his 20's isn't showing me "some" level of attraction - I gotta worry that either he's not that into me, not attracted, or unsure of himself...worst, probably dating others and doesn't want to start anything romantic till he chooses who he wants to date seriously and if he's not kissing me, means he's not seeing me as someone he'd continue seeing.

 

So, for the "girls" (mind you, I said "girls - not women") who past high school that think it's "cute" that a guy takes 6 weeks to just even kiss them - well, goes to show those girls probably don't know what to look for in a man.

 

And, for those chicks past high school who want you to take them out and spend money on them w/o you even kissing them - then, gotta watch out they aren't using you. I had a gf who told me that just to 'go out with guys, cuz even if I don't like them, at least I got a nice meal and/or night on the town'. I don't play that poop. If a guy is spending on me, I am interested in him and not gonna waste his and my time just cuz of a free meal/evening. So, beware when a chick is not getting physical - yet, expects you to take her out, pay for this/that.

 

Now, someone posted here about a guys waiting until marriage to do a first kiss. I respect that, but I expect to have known that. In other words, if he is not kissing and/or touching me cuz of something like religious beliefs, he should say that and I will respect that and as we date - I'd have no expectations cuz I'm clear as to "why" he's not kissing, etc. But still, I'd have to be observing him and probably having intimate convos to gauge if he has intimacy issues and what he will be like in bed. I heard one woman tell her husband after they got engaged that while she respected his desire to remain a virgin, that now she had a ring and a wedding date - she wanted to have sex at least once. And, I agree with her. I'm not committing to some guy who cannot be sexual with me.

Edited December 13, 2014 by Gloria25

[Danda]

I think many women are either used to a guy moving in for a kiss on date 1 or 2, or have absorbed from various sources that this is very common.

 

So if a guy doesn't move in for a kiss after date 3, I think a lot of women just wonder if maybe he isn't really that into her.

 

This kind of doubt can lead to a woman preparing to move on even while still dating the current guy, because she's anticipating that he's not really that attracted to her or something.

 

So I think it really boils down to the woman trying to figure out your thoughts/feelings towards her, and doubt can certainly wreck things.

 

But it sounds like you made it clear in other ways that you were genuinely interested, so perhaps she wasn't having any "maybe he's just not into me" anxiety.

 

Please just bear in mind that while men are finding the relatively new "no normal, no rules" chaos style of dating to be somewhat stressful and confusing, women are, as well.

[autumnnight]

After reading Glorias post I did think a little more. It can raise a red flag when a grown man waits a really long time. I remember now that one person in particular I dated waited forever it seemed and then it turned out he was gay. lol

[Gloria25]

BTW, the other day this chick called my fav podcaster and was asking whether or not she should except expensive gifts (tennis shoes, perfumes, etc.) from some boy she was "dating" and that she was not getting physical with. My podcaster told her to not accept gifts from some guy so young and that she isn't actually "dating" and that it seems like the guy was trying to "buy" her affections.

 

I gotta give "kudos" to that chick for calling my podcaster, cuz at least she had some integrity about her. No chick should be having some guy spend money on her - especially so young and especially when they aren't even kissing/getting physical.

 

You know, one trait about women who are juggling multiple guys to buy this and that for them (i.e. blue-collar golddiggers, golddiggers, and/or dependas) is that they won't let the guys kiss/touch them in public, they have alot of male "friends", and these guys are doing "something" for them - regardless if it's a pair of shoes, driving her to the club, or "lending" her $20 bucks.

 

One guy who dumped me for the town ho. I think she slept with him only once. But he literally would take her to the club, and right in front of him she'd be working on other "marks" (foreign officers on salsa night). Then, he'd come home whining about how those guys were trying to take advantage of her, like trying to give her gifts and stuff

[JohnM]

Just been on a first date with a girl, interested in her and she ticks the boxes for sure. Societal norm suggests first or second date you should take it past platonic I guess. I went for a kiss on the cheek.

 

I'm a slow mover I guess, but although theres an attraction I like it to feel right rather than forced but first kisses are awkward changing the dynamic of your interaction. Once the first is out the way of things be it a kiss or sex I'm very confident but initially I'm cagey.

 

Its the whole set up and circumstance as I don't doubt the girl wanting a kiss to happen, best way to think in my view and I've never failed in an attempt. Oh well, I've another date tomorrow, will let you know if she gets a first date kiss!

[Darren2013]

My main point is that nobody should do anything they do not feel comfortable doing. If you don't feel comfortable going in for the kiss early on then don't. The right person will understand that. Dating should not be an uncomfortable experience for anyone. It is suppose to be fun. What's the point of dating if you are not having fun and can't relax and do what is comfortable?

 

The 6 weeks is not some rule I have come up with. Others are coming up with the rule of a kiss by date 2 or 3.

 

I do think it is possible to demonstrate romantic interest in other ways without the kiss. Why else would a guy who has not gone in for the kiss yet keep asking a woman out once a week if he is not attracted to her?

 

If a woman is in that position where this guy keeps asking her out but has yet to kiss her then maybe she needs to sit him down and have a talk with him and ask him what are his intentions? Communicate and ask him questions to see where he stands.

[Darren2013]

It is really sad that many women have bought into what's written in that book titled "He's Just Not That Into You".

 

It over generalizes and doesn't take exceptions into account. If I date a woman who has been brainwashed from reading that book she will think "oh Darren matches the description of this guy talked about in the book" when she has gotten it all wrong about me. It is certainly possible to misjudge and read someone completely wrong.

[JohnM]

It wouldn't generally bother me, but you have to consider that the other person could be dating more than one at the same time. If one shows more promise and is romantically forward then it removes that awkward stage many wish to get past.

[d0nnivain]

My main point is that nobody should do anything they do not feel comfortable doing. If you don't feel comfortable going in for the kiss early on then don't. The right person will understand that. Dating should not be an uncomfortable experience for anyone. It is suppose to be fun. What's the point of dating if you are not having fun and can't relax and do what is comfortable?

 

The 6 weeks is not some rule I have come up with. Others are coming up with the rule of a kiss by date 2 or 3.

 

I do think it is possible to demonstrate romantic interest in other ways without the kiss. Why else would a guy who has not gone in for the kiss yet keep asking a woman out once a week if he is not attracted to her?

 

If a woman is in that position where this guy keeps asking her out but has yet to kiss her then maybe she needs to sit him down and have a talk with him and ask him what are his intentions? Communicate and ask him questions to see where he stands.

 

 

You are right that communication is the key. However, there are ways to communicate without words. Part of it is a vibe. Part of it is trusting yourself.

 

 

If somebody told me that they did not believe in kissing before marriage I would respect that. I would applaud their integrity. I would also not date them because that philosophy doesn't work for me.

 

 

A good relationship is about what both people want. Nobody is wrong for wanting something but it would be wrong to try to change somebody else's morals.

 

 

As for the book He's Just Not That Into You, it's pop psychology, just like The Rules, Men Are From Mars, Women Are From Venus and The Care and Feeding of a Marriage. They are not meant to be taken as gospel. You have to look at the books as a whole. They are about self respect, communication and appreciation. The specific steps should vary.