How should I feel

[Liz0800]

Hello friends,

 

I struggle with saying how I feel to those I deeply care about and to friends who seem emotionally strong. I'm outwardly social le a confident person but inside I know from childhood I have low esteem. Done lots of work historically and to be honest don't want to go there again. So I'm aware of it anyway and my weaknesses and patterns.

 

I've unpicked what I'm scared about anyway today and which I avoid. It's this. If I express my real feeling to someone who I feel has hurt me, ill be seen as angry, aggressive and unfeminine by them. The outcome will be that the person who deep down I value will then despise me and be glad they're not around me anymore. They will not want to be my friend anymore essentially.So the outcome of me saying what I honestly feel, and which I at the time felt needed saying, then backfires. ....or has in the past. I'd learned over the years not to say what I felt.

 

So in brief the story and why I need some support please. A male MM friend who I've known for 14 yrs severed contact with me without any word a month ago. He is the best texter on earth and has been in touch for 8 months continuously. In the past many years ago, we had an intimate liaison for a long time but we agreed to be friends. I ended the intimacy. I was so pleased we had salvaged a friendship as I adore and cherish our friendship. There was always that chemistry lurking but anyway I wasn't going there.

 

For the last month I had felt completely puzzled by hi abrupt NC. He is a colleague and has a thousand ways to contact me and give me a rationale. I know people who work with him. He's been turning up for work and ok in himself. I have done my best to move on, respect his NC but it has hurt like hell.

I haven't contacted him as if someone doesn't want to talk to me, well I got that message. I'm so hurt as he knows me well...all I needed was any brief explanation and I would have excepted it, even if I felt rejected.

 

Anyway he rang me at work on a professional matter in the days gone. I wasn't expecting the call at all.He didn't have a choice really in ringing the team I work in. By fluke I got the call I was the only one in. He said he'd rung me on a professional matter but greeted me with a friendly tone and how are you....I just blurted it out. Actually I'm p'eed off, haven't heard anything for weeks after daily contact, feel like I've been thrown under the bus by you. He didn't say anything and then proceeded to take work advice. I was then very professional in my response and that was that.

 

So that's that. No explanation, nothing ....just cut me off dead after 8 months of being around. He's meant to be a really good buddy. I have said to myself I'm being over sensitive but I just feel i intensely kicked by this man. The downside is I think he may see me as this mad angry woman for using the word p'eed and displaying my distress.

 

So it seems that's it. That's the end of 14 years friendship. I still don't know why. I feel emotionally kicked. Am I being stupid. I have lots of friends too and get on great with them ...so I do healthy bonds. Should I have kept my mouth closed or stuck up for myself.

 

Please no harsh emails back...I'm just a bit fragile right now.

 

Tx

 

L

[StalwartMind]

I'm not quite sure how you got the idea that it would be seen as unfeminine to say that you are "pissed off". A woman is in her right to be upset about something as much as a man. In no way should that make you be less feminine, at least if you are an understanding person. When someone is upset, the natural response should be, why is this person upset (if you aren't aware of it)? Sure a lot of people will go into defensive mode when someone is having an outbursts, but that's where it's vital to be able to listen to someone.

 

I'd personally question any relationship or friendship, if there wasn't room for people to be able to vent their frustration with something or someone. In no way would I look different at a person whom was upset with something, at the very least not till I found out the reason. In your case, there is really no reason for him to be mad at you, nor should he think less of you for being pissed off.

 

If he actually was the best texter on earth, which I strongly assume you just say because of his previous ability to keep in touch, then there wouldn't be a problem in the first place. Unfortunately people can at times change to something completely unexpected, granted there typically is a reason behind. It's entirely possible he may of felt different about your entire intimacy episode and the period after.

 

This may sound incredibly harsh, but we only fool ourselves if we try and sugarcoat things to escape the truth. If someone is incapable of communicating anything they wish, or like you feel like they can't truly say how you feel, then I'm sorry there is a significant problem and it'll always be there as long as you keep living life that way. I love people that are blunt and actually speak their mind instead of beating around the bush with half-truths or lies. I naturally mean nothing to you in your life, but if that had been me, or if I was a friend, you should be able to tell me exactly how you feel and a solution should of been found. Once again some people for whatever reason just don't see things that way. Humans have an incredible ability in making illogical choices.

 

You may feel you should of kept your mouth shut, but really why? It doesn't seem like you are the type of person who deep down feel it's right to do such a thing. In my opinion you're just bound to set yourself up for endless disappointments if you think you should ignore things that clearly bothers you. Being pissed, upset and even borderline furious with rage, does not make you any less of a lady, or man for that matter. However the way you present yourself to others very much does. Despite being angry you can still carry yourself in a proper manner and explain your feelings. A true friend, partner or lover would be understanding. In a way it's always sort of amusing yet tragic how something so simple as communication is so endlessly hard for most.

 

I really can't emphasize this enough, especially to people that have low self esteem or feel they have to put on a fake face to be around people they hold dear. With the right people, you should never have to do those things, people that truly love or care about you will show compassion and be understanding.