The "needs" double standard.

[TrustedthenBusted]

It sucks that you are building a marriage with better boundaries? Or it sucks because you really wish you could have a turn being bad?

 

Neither.

 

It sucks that I had fine boundaries before, and thought she did too.

 

It sucks that if things were reversed, I strongly doubt she'd give me as much slack and a 2nd chance as I've given her.

 

It sucks that she took an otherwise great situation and turned it into one filled with doubt and pain and loss.

 

And it sucks because on some level, this is exactly the type of crap me and my buddies used to sit around and talk about in college when we said we'd never be stupid enough to get married. lol.

[Clay]

My kids know I love them. They know I will always love them but they also know my limits. So I doubt I would even be told if they cheated. I hope this is not a issue I will have to face. No I would not kick them out of my life.

 

Cheating does not just destroy the BS is destroys children too. I will spend the rest of my life with my triggers and nightmares. I just want to do the best I can to tell my children avoid the same fate.

[Furious]

No it is a legitimate question. There are many people as I have said who have damaged or no relationships with their kids because the kids failed to meet expectations of their parents. And what is high drama about it? He has four children. People cheat from all walks of life. Statistically speaking he has a very high chance of one of his children going down that path.

 

Do you have children? Do you think it's wrong to raise them with integrity and ethics. You're so over the top, and extreme.

[Selfish]

Neither.

 

It sucks that I had fine boundaries before, and thought she did too.

 

It sucks that if things were reversed, I strongly doubt she'd give me as much slack and a 2nd chance as I've given her.

 

It sucks that she took an otherwise great situation and turned it into one filled with doubt and pain and loss.

 

And it sucks because on some level, this is exactly the type of crap me and my buddies used to sit around and talk about in college when we said we'd never be stupid enough to get married. lol.

 

Are You are assuming she wouldn't forgive you or has she told you that? Or are you are married to a B*tch and need to move on. Because there is actually a lot of presser on a fws to forgive RAs. And they even feel presser that they have to rug sweep it.

 

Require personal growth on her part and full remorse for what she did in order to move on in the marriage. And expect that if you went and had an affair the same would be required of you. I wouldn't settle for anything less.

[Selfish]

Do you have children? Do you think it's wrong to raise them with integrity and ethics. You're so over the top, and extreme.

 

You are completely missing my point? I think it is important. I am not condemning him for that. I am merely asking him if his hard stance would then extend towards his children.

 

If it was your child who cheated would you condemn them to a life of being less than others?

[Clay]

Selfish do you have a thread posted on here about your situation?

 

Do you have kids?

 

Clay

[NateGrey]

Neither.

 

It sucks that I had fine boundaries before, and thought she did too.

 

It sucks that if things were reversed, I strongly doubt she'd give me as much slack and a 2nd chance as I've given her.

 

It sucks that she took an otherwise great situation and turned it into one filled with doubt and pain and loss.

 

And it sucks because on some level, this is exactly the type of crap me and my buddies used to sit around and talk about in college when we said we'd never be stupid enough to get married. lol.

 

But why haven't you divorced this woman then? Surely you realize she can't be trusted. Surely you also realize the huge double standard if she would not forgive you for cheating? Note I am not saying she should have to, but it's still messed up. Since it essentially says you know this woman will never ever love you as much as you love her.

 

I just hate hypocrites, so like I said she'd have a right to dump you if you cheated, but it rubs me the wrong way that you seem to be so sure she would never ever give you the type of chances you have given her. I don't know if I'd want to be married to a person that selfish.

Edited December 12, 2014 by NateGrey

[RightThere]

But why haven't you divorced this woman then? Surely you realize she can't be trusted. Surely you also realize the huge double standard if she would not forgive you for cheating? Note I am not saying she should have to, but it's still messed up. Since it essentially says you know this woman will never ever love you as much as you love her.

 

I just hate hypocrites, so like I said she'd have a right to dump you if you cheated, but it rubs me the wrong way that you seem to be so sure she would never ever give you the type of chances you have given her. I don't know if I'd want to be married to a person that selfish.

 

I think TthenB has been pretty clear his choice was to keep his family in tact first and foremost.

 

Marriages and marriage partners are less than perfect. Having one that cheats on you makes them way further down the scale than average. But I can related because keeping my family together is what I've decided to do today. Maybe that will change in the future, but today I'm accepting my WW's faults and watching/waiting to see improvements. If there aren't any or we start going backwards, all bets are off and I'm sure TthenB has a similar mindset.

[Realist3]

Some individuals crave attention and will get it anyway they can. Cheating is an easy way of getting the attention needs met. For some, there is no such thing as enough attention. For these folks, good marriage or not, the validation of attention and being wanted and lusted for is too hard to resist. These folks are usually conflict avoidant and good at deception. It's a skill to appear as the role model parent and citizen while living a double life.

 

For some people they require more than one partner to fill their needs. These are people who think the rules do not apply to them, and in a way they feel contempt for those who play by the rules as suckers. These are folks who know that in the real world nothing is fair and those who succeed play by their own rules.

 

Far far too much of a broad brush with these statements, almost to the point of extremely naive.

[thirtysomethingteen]

Ugh, lucky for my H he never tried to pull the "my needs weren't being met" crap when he cheated or I'm sure we'd be divorced. He did not blame me for his actions at all (he did try to partially blame both OW, but that's another topic).

 

When I considered straying that was one of the justifications I tried to sell myself on...but even I wasn't buying it. I know full well all I have to do is open my mouth if I feel my H isn't meeting my expectations and he will always rise to the occasion.

 

It is a weak excuse for cheating, bottom line, especially when you have to stretch the truth or outright lie in order to sell it, which is what I would have had to do, and what it sounds like the OP's wife did.

[NateGrey]

I think TthenB has been pretty clear his choice was to keep his family in tact first and foremost.

 

Marriages and marriage partners are less than perfect. Having one that cheats on you makes them way further down the scale than average. But I can related because keeping my family together is what I've decided to do today. Maybe that will change in the future, but today I'm accepting my WW's faults and watching/waiting to see improvements. If there aren't any or we start going backwards, all bets are off and I'm sure TthenB has a similar mindset.

 

I assume this means because you have kids. It sucks to have to stay with someone for that, but at least you have the option to drop them once the kids are grown and raised.

[Furious]

This is my wife. She is always the prettiest girl in the group, but still expects the less attractive girls to compliment her endlessly.

 

She's gotten better, but honestly, I can still see it. When the compliments are coming, she literally lights up. FUnny thing though... she almost never GIVES them. to anyone. Ever.

 

And for the record, I'd never bang my admin. At least not if I had to cheat to do it. It was just an example of how if I made the same choice my wife did, even for the same reasons, it would never fly. In fact, it would be considered WORSE now that we're supposedly enlightened.

 

Just sucks.

 

You're seeing her as she really is and it's obvious it hurts you to acknowledge this. Now what.....what about you....is this something you can live with and accept as a part of her character?

[TrustedthenBusted]

You're seeing her as she really is and it's obvious it hurts you to acknowledge this. Now what.....what about you....is this something you can live with and accept as a part of her character?

 

 

I knew she was this way when I met her. Fundamentally, it's part of who she is. It never bothered me before. But then one day I learned that I rate no higher with her than anyone else. At least not when it matters.

 

Can I live with that? I don't know. Maybe this is the way life is. Sure seems that way.

 

TO be fair to her, she's done a lot of work on herself. She really has. But I think she'd maxed out, and now that I'm seeing the best version of her... I'm wondering if that's good enough.

 

I don't feel inspired anymore. Maybe that's really my biggest problem. There are a LOT of people who would trade places with me in a hearbeat, so I also wonder if my expectations are too high, and if I've set them so high because I feel entitled now.

 

Lots to think about. I'm 5 years in, and my issues are much different than those folks who are in the first couple years.

 

I'm not hurt anymore, really. I'm able to step back and see things pretty clearly now. I really think it takes this long before you can actually do that.

[HurtHusband]

I hate this 'my needs were not BS' ...my needs were not met for 3 long years when my wife denied me intimacy and sex...meanwhile she goes off and has an affair...I could have done exactly the same thing, but I didn't.

 

Love,trust,respect are broken now..how the hell will I go on...It sucks the joy out of your life..I had to go to my kids Christmas show today..everyone looks happy...nobody knows the **** I have been through...you push it to the back of your mind and talk to people and on the outside you look fine...but I look at my wife..completely oblivious to my suffering and I feel angry, contempt..and she looks great, all dressed up..but our relationship is cold...I am a broken man for now..

 

This betrayal business really is horrible..damaging...nasty..It makes me insecure and paranoid..I think I am traumatized, I don't want to sound too dramatic..but it messes your head up..

[fellini]

Essentially what you are describing is a well known Narcissistic trait: Narcissistic sources (NS) who feed the narcissist. Narcissistic supply is like any drug, so it doesn't matter how much a spouse is able to give, eventually the "need" for additional affirmation etc. (narcissistic supply) increases and the N looks outside the marriage for secondary sources. Sometimes they encounter people who are such wonderful sources of NS their spouse becomes the secondary source and these people the primary. These kinds of affairs are very difficult to recover from, or worse, they can go on for years, but often result in the Á being discovered and WS doing a world record rebound back to their BS returning them to primary source and dumping their AP under the bus.

 

There will always be other buses in the future when the need arises.

 

And one does not need to be NPD to operate at this level. One just has to have an insatiable need for narcissistic supply and have a large pool (extremely open and social work environment) source through which to find one's sources (even if negative ones)

 

 

This is my wife. She is always the prettiest girl in the group, but still expects the less attractive girls to compliment her endlessly.

 

She's gotten better, but honestly, I can still see it. When the compliments are coming, she literally lights up. FUnny thing though... she almost never GIVES them. to anyone. Ever.

 

And for the record, I'd never bang my admin. At least not if I had to cheat to do it. It was just an example of how if I made the same choice my wife did, even for the same reasons, it would never fly. In fact, it would be considered WORSE now that we're supposedly enlightened.

 

Just sucks.

[waterwoman]

Needs? Wants more like! No-one needs validation, ego-boosting, extra sex. They want them.

 

I had 'needs' that weren't met for so long I stuffed them down and just got on with it. I did my best to be a good wife, mother, daughter, auntie and breadwinner. What I wanted was an irrelevance. Now, if H asked me what he could do to make me entirely happy I couldn't tell him. I have become so used to doing without his help. That is the hardest thing in reconciliation for me :confused:- finding a place for H in the life I built when he was a self-centred idiot. The affair simply crystallised his constant normal behaviour into one single thing that neither of us could ignore or brush under the carpet. It had to be addressed.

 

Dday made us both realise we didn't want to lose each other. But in my case I have yet to completely work out why.

[flowergirl14]

My wh asked me once..." I wonder what you would have done in a similar situation?" Referring to how his affair got started. It was a coworker and they started talking and flirted yahda yahda. I guess I think back to the absolute lonliness I felt for years in this relationship. One time before dday my family and i were on a hike. Everyone had passed me up. I was walking alone. The whole time i felt this complete sadness. Not because i was literally alone but because my husband had been an ******* the day before to our son. Just one of many bad times in our marriage. I never knew of my husbands A until a year after it had ended. I found out about 2 months after this hike. So i have wondered if there would have been someone of the opposite sex ready to listen. Would I have entered into something inappropriate? Ive never have so much as flirted with anyone else but then again i havent had an opportunity. I've focused on being a good mother and wife for the past 20 years. Maybe my WH was just trying to justify his behavior by implying well you would've done it too. The ironic thing is i used to pray all the time that my husband would come out of his "depression" that he'd come back to the marriage. I was a fool. His depression was his affair! I didnt know..da*n it!

[TrustedthenBusted]

My wh asked me once..." I wonder what you would have done in a similar situation?" Referring to how his affair got started. It was a coworker and they started talking and flirted yahda yahda. I guess I think back to the absolute lonliness I felt for years in this relationship. One time before dday my family and i were on a hike. Everyone had passed me up. I was walking alone. The whole time i felt this complete sadness. Not because i was literally alone but because my husband had been an ******* the day before to our son. Just one of many bad times in our marriage. I never knew of my husbands A until a year after it had ended. I found out about 2 months after this hike. So i have wondered if there would have been someone of the opposite sex ready to listen. Would I have entered into something inappropriate? Ive never have so much as flirted with anyone else but then again i havent had an opportunity. I've focused on being a good mother and wife for the past 20 years. Maybe my WH was just trying to justify his behavior by implying well you would've done it too. The ironic thing is i used to pray all the time that my husband would come out of his "depression" that he'd come back to the marriage. I was a fool. His depression was his affair! I didnt know..da*n it!

 

Interesting story. Sorry you had to go through that. I think that's a bit of what I'm going through now. She no longer feels like a big piece of this family. More like a houseguest much ( not all ) of the time. I guess it depends on my mood.

 

During our marriage, I was approached on three different occasions to get involved in an affair ( I now recognize ) Two co-corkers, and a vendor. All three were alcohol related. In all three cases I said the exact same thing. " If I wasn't married, I'd be all over you." I felt like it was honest, complimentary, and playful, but also safe.

 

I'm a realist. My wife is super hot. Guys are going to try. She is going to find some of them attractive. All I expect, at worst, was her to give the same answer I did.

 

Oddly, both of her affairs were with unattractive guys. One I still can't believe.

 

Go figure.

[truncated]

Reading the many different replies to different threads on here makes me wonder a couple of things. This first is how many people who say their needs weren't being met felt that way before they met the perosn they cheated with. Were they happy enough or did they feel that way beforehand?

 

If they did feel that way before hand, how many clearly communicated that to their spouse? Did they outright say ' I am not happy, and if things don't change, I will ook elsewhere for what I feel is misisng?" or did they just drop hints or say nothing at all and expect their spouse to somehow know they weren't happy?

[badkarma2013]

We've all heard it. My "needs" weren't being met! My "needs" weren't being met!.

 

Do any BS's feel like their current needs aren't being met even during R, and that these unmet needs outweigh whatever the hell was going unmet for our WS pre-affair?

 

In my case, I had to prove ( mostly by reading her BS emails to OM back to her ) that our life was good when she was in the affair. It really was. She literally had to make up stories about how bad things were. And lucky for me, we're the type of people who go on lots of romantic getaways, and take lots of pics of fun times, and wonderful family moments that she plasters all over Facebook. So her "unmet" needs were in most cases bull, and in some, so far hidden and uncommunicated that I can hardly be blamed for missing them.

 

Now life wasn't perfect, and nor am I, but it wasn't nearly the situation she had to convince herself of.

 

So, she gets to have an affair an f F everything up. Anyway...

 

Now I have unmet needs, that are being openly and clearly communicated. But if I were to do what she did.... oh man. It would mean the apocalypse. But why? can't I use the same sorry excuse, and see if banging my Admin ( who I'm pretty sure wants me to ) would help?

*****************************************************************

Who gives a SH%T what she wants...what her so called unmet needs were..or if she was bored..The simple fact is she DID WHAT SHE DID..and from what i have seen her dosent have much REMORSE.. ...IT DOSENT MATTER WHAT SHE FEELS....ITS WHAT YOU FEEL...If can continue great..If not LEAVE NOW..and the she how she reacts...

[badkarma2013]

I hate this 'my needs were not BS' ...my needs were not met for 3 long years when my wife denied me intimacy and sex...meanwhile she goes off and has an affair...I could have done exactly the same thing, but I didn't.

 

Love,trust,respect are broken now..how the hell will I go on...It sucks the joy out of your life..I had to go to my kids Christmas show today..everyone looks happy...nobody knows the **** I have been through...you push it to the back of your mind and talk to people and on the outside you look fine...but I look at my wife..completely oblivious to my suffering and I feel angry, contempt..and she looks great, all dressed up..but our relationship is cold...I am a broken man for now..

 

This betrayal business really is horrible..damaging...nasty..It makes me insecure and paranoid..I think I am traumatized, I don't want to sound too dramatic..but it messes your head up..

****************************************************************

 

One must NEVER forget (as a BH) ...after D_DAY and as long as your together ...NO MATTER WHAT SHE DOES to help you heal or change her actions...The simple fact IS she cannot UNFU@K the OM...AND YOU WILL CARRY SOME PIECE OF THAT WITH YOU THE REST OF YOUR DAYS!

[autumnnight]

Mt thinking is that even if someone needs aren't being met wrong is still wrong. Even if the day after the wedding your spouse stops caring for your and won't touch you ever again morality is still in place and you still have free will. We live in a time where if person A does something wrong to person B, person B thinks that somehow makes it okay to do something wrong. That just isn't true. I am responsible for my choices no matter what anybody else does.