The "needs" double standard.

[TrustedthenBusted]

We've all heard it. My "needs" weren't being met! My "needs" weren't being met!.

 

Do any BS's feel like their current needs aren't being met even during R, and that these unmet needs outweigh whatever the hell was going unmet for our WS pre-affair?

 

In my case, I had to prove ( mostly by reading her BS emails to OM back to her ) that our life was good when she was in the affair. It really was. She literally had to make up stories about how bad things were. And lucky for me, we're the type of people who go on lots of romantic getaways, and take lots of pics of fun times, and wonderful family moments that she plasters all over Facebook. So her "unmet" needs were in most cases bull, and in some, so far hidden and uncommunicated that I can hardly be blamed for missing them.

 

Now life wasn't perfect, and nor am I, but it wasn't nearly the situation she had to convince herself of.

 

So, she gets to have an affair an f F everything up. Anyway...

 

Now I have unmet needs, that are being openly and clearly communicated. But if I were to do what she did.... oh man. It would mean the apocalypse. But why? can't I use the same sorry excuse, and see if banging my Admin ( who I'm pretty sure wants me to ) would help?

[Selfish]

We've all heard it. My "needs" weren't being met! My "needs" weren't being met!.

 

Do any BS's feel like their current needs aren't being met even during R, and that these unmet needs outweigh whatever the hell was going unmet for our WS pre-affair?

 

In my case, I had to prove ( mostly by reading her BS emails to OM back to her ) that our life was good when she was in the affair. It really was. She literally had to make up stories about how bad things were. And lucky for me, we're the type of people who go on lots of romantic getaways, and take lots of pics of fun times, and wonderful family moments that she plasters all over Facebook. So her "unmet" needs were in most cases bull, and in some, so far hidden and uncommunicated that I can hardly be blamed for missing them.

 

Now life wasn't perfect, and nor am I, but it wasn't nearly the situation she had to convince herself of.

 

So, she gets to have an affair an f F everything up. Anyway...

 

Now I have unmet needs, that are being openly and clearly communicated. But if I were to do what she did.... oh man. It would mean the apocalypse. But why? can't I use the same sorry excuse, and see if banging my Admin ( who I'm pretty sure wants me to ) would help?

 

If you go and do what she did it will be the same as what she did. immoral, selfish, create more problems than help, cruel.

 

Take the advice that is handed out like candy on halloween.

 

If your spouse isn't being the spouse you want and meeting your "needs" then make it clear what you want. If still unmet, divorce. At least that way you will still have your self respect and integrity. But, if those aren't important to you, justify away and go find some hot young thing to screw.

 

Just because somebody treats you badly and is a a** doesn't make you less of one when you do the same things back. maybe more understandable. but wrong is wrong. and there is never an good excuse for cheating.

[Sub]

I agree with Selfish. Do as we wish a lot of WS's would do if they weren't truly happy and considering an A. Leave. Separate. I'm going through a somewhat similar thing currently (although I can't necessarily say my needs aren't being met). But I can sense the potential for resentment in our R, for the first time from my end. Mostly because of the double standard, the lack of "fairness". But, I could have just left. And if we're going to let that fester over the course of time, and push us into some ugly territory, we're doomed. It's just revenge, man. And it's not going to erase what she did.

[drifter777]

I literally shake my head every time I read "my needs weren't being met" or words to that effect. It must be my upbringing but I never - for a second - have expected my wife to meet all of my needs. I never expected her to always have sex with me whenever I wanted to. I certainly have turned her down many times over the years when I just didn't feel like it. She doesn't understand what I do for a living but I tell her about things anyway. Sometimes she listens, sometimes she doesn't. I don't have a need for her to share this or any other part of my life with me all the time.

 

Sometimes I feel low and I tell her how I feel but I don't expect her to somehow cheer me up. There have been many deaths in my immediate family but my mourning was personal. I didn't seek nor expect any "support" from anyone and probably wouldn't have recognized it as support anyway. I don't care if she cooks or not - I am a better cook anyhow. I don't like doing laundry or cleaning the house but I've done it and can handle it. I can't think of a single physical or emotional need that would be a deal breaker if she couldn't consistently meet.

 

I have sexual needs that must be met at some point, but I don't impose ultimatum's on when or what or where. I enjoy her company at dinner or a movie, etc. but, again, it's a flexible need. My only inflexible need is that she be a good mother to our grandson. We are older now and it's hard keeping up with a 5 year-old but I expect her to suck it up and make a wonderful home and family life for our little boy. This I cannot do on my own because I still work. If something happened and she was not there then I would have to adjust my working life and hire a live-in nanny.

 

My wife is much needier than I am, but she has matured a lot in the past decade and is much more realistic about what she expects from me.

 

As far as another infidelity, I don't feel this is a need of mine. She's done it once and is capable of doing it again. I will never trust her to any great extent again, but I simply don't care all that much now. I only think of it in terms of how being divorced would effect our parenting but nothing more.

 

So, what needs does a person have to have that make them feel entitled to cheat?

[central]

When people are unhappy, they tend to do something about it. If they've tried and been ignored, belittled, deprioritized, marginalized, or rejected, they may try less productive approaches. Infidelity isn't a good answer - just a poor attempt at one.

 

The more skillful you are, and the more emotionally enlightened, the less likely you are to try infidelity as a solution, IMO. Most people aren't good at everything, and marriage is one of those at which many people fail. Sometimes the BS has failed too - just not so badly and destructively.

[Clay]

Your the BS she should be doing all the heavy lifting. If she is not then leave. You owe her nothing. She is the one that willingly threw the relationship away in the first place. You can try to reason with her all you want but shes only going to change when she wants to change. All the things you wanted her to do she willingly gave to someone else. So ask yourself is she doing that with you? If she is not easily just doing that with you without you ever having to bring it up then you know your answer.

 

I know i'm considered extreme for this but I never recommend staying with a cheater for any reason. Sure people make mistakes and no one is perfect. I just choose to be surrounded by better people.

 

Clay

[Realist3]

It all hinges on what priority people place on certain needs. That is the inherent disconnect. Person A in the relationship is okay with their needs being met, or not, and person B can't. Those needs can be anything.

[NateGrey]

As far as I am concerned anyone who cheats and utters the excuse "my needs weren't being met" needs to be kicked to the curb and never spoken to again by the person they cheated on. If your needs are not being met then speak up, don't suffer in silence and then justify it as an excuse to cheat. What part of your "needs" are met by merely being a notch on the belt of some other man?

 

Anyone who cares about their spouse will try to fix the marriage before they cheat. Anyone who cares or respects their spouse will then request a divorce before they cheat if they are unable to fix things.

 

As the above poster said: nobody is perfect, but cheaters are just flat out not compatible mates. Or well, they are compatible mates if all you want from them is mating. But love, trust, respect? Nope, out the window once they cheat.

 

We are in the age of social media, etc. People are speaking their minds more then EVER before. So man up, or woman up, and if you are unhappy *do something about it* that doesn't involve jumping another persons bones. If cheating is easier then discussing your problems then that tells you all you need to know about why you and your spouse do not belong together.

 

Especially since my wife is vocal about things she doesn't like. If I hasn't done something I was supposed to(like a chore or something) she lets me know. So I would tell her she sure as hell doesn't get to suddenly choose to keep her mouth closed about this stuff.

Edited December 12, 2014 by NateGrey

[Rainbowlove]

if banging my Admin ( who I'm pretty sure wants me to ) would help?

 

Sounds to me like you should do it. Bang her and get it over with. If it will make you feel better, take her now.

 

Then you can have your own DDay and deal with all of that and your wife can figure out she should divorce you or try recovery or go screw some other guy because more of her needs are being met because your needs aren't being met and it goes round and round and round and every one is screwing everyone.

 

Maybe your admin needs to feel like the OW or maybe she's married too.

 

Sounds like you've given this a lot of thought.

 

Good luck with your recovery.

[Woggle]

When she cheated her needs were the only ones that mattered.

[Selfish]

 

I know i'm considered extreme for this but I never recommend staying with a cheater for any reason. Sure people make mistakes and no one is perfect. I just choose to be surrounded by better people.

 

Clay

I sincerely hope, and I mean this with all my heart, that none of your children do anything that in your mind will taint them for life. To be cut off from their father because they aren't a "better" person because of past behaviour would be heartbreaking. I know there are parents who are like this. I just hope your kids don't so anything you consider not worthy of a second chance.

[RightThere]

We've all heard it. My "needs" weren't being met! My "needs" weren't being met!.

 

Do any BS's feel like their current needs aren't being met even during R, and that these unmet needs outweigh whatever the hell was going unmet for our WS pre-affair?

 

Oh yeah. Not only do I get the "my needs weren't being met" but I also get the crock of "I tried to communicate that with you."

 

I've told her straight out that if should told me "If you don't start doing this, I'm going to go sleep with that guy." I'm fairly sure I would have remembered that.

 

And I do often feel in the same boat today. What I need doesn't get met and I DO communicate it out loud. But if I'm stepping back some days and her needs aren't being met again, it's open to the line of "this is what go us in the situation we were in before." I know she's not saying "this is why I cheated on you" but it's still a crappy situation overall.

[NateGrey]

I sincerely hope, and I mean this with all my heart, that none of your children do anything that in your mind will taint them for life. To be cut off from their father because they aren't a "better" person because of past behaviour would be heartbreaking. I know there are parents who are like this. I just hope your kids don't so anything you consider not worthy of a second chance.

 

I agree I also hope his children never betray him in the worst way possible, it would suck to have to deal with betrayal from a wife and then kids too.

 

But hey, dude never said he'd apply this to his kids. He was talking about cheaters. So I don't know why you're talking about his kids, kids don't tend to take vows promising to not betray their parents. Though of course if his kids mess up he shouldn't cut them out of his life. Doesn't, of course, mean he shouldn't do the same to any cheating spouse. A spouse is not your child.

[Selfish]

I agree I also hope his children never betray him in the worst way possible, it would suck to have to deal with betrayal from a wife and then kids too.

 

But hey, dude never said he'd apply this to his kids. He was talking about cheaters. So I don't know why you're talking about his kids, kids don't tend to take vows promising to not betray their parents. Though of course if his kids mess up he shouldn't cut them out of his life. Doesn't, of course, mean he shouldn't do the same to any cheating spouse. A spouse is not your child.

 

Because he said he only surrounds himself with better people. Meaning once someone has screwed up on an epic level they are no longer a "better" person. He says he feels this way in a very black and white way. You only have one spouse. You don't surround yourself with spouses (in our culture anyways). So he is talking about his expectations in his friends and family. HIs children fall into this place to.

[NateGrey]

The problem is he said he surrounds himself with better people..immediately following how he was saying he would never forgive cheaters. I would not take that and immediately jump to "dude would cut his kids out of his life as well".

 

It shouldn't need to be said, but I guess it does need to be: a spouse is not your child. It's not the same, remotely. I never for a single second read that and thought it meant he would disown his children. I have to believe a majority of people would come to the same conclusion(mostly so I can keep my sanity).

[Furious]

Some individuals crave attention and will get it anyway they can. Cheating is an easy way of getting the attention needs met. For some, there is no such thing as enough attention. For these folks, good marriage or not, the validation of attention and being wanted and lusted for is too hard to resist. These folks are usually conflict avoidant and good at deception. It's a skill to appear as the role model parent and citizen while living a double life.

 

For some people they require more than one partner to fill their needs. These are people who think the rules do not apply to them, and in a way they feel contempt for those who play by the rules as suckers. These are folks who know that in the real world nothing is fair and those who succeed play by their own rules.

[Clay]

I sincerely hope, and I mean this with all my heart, that none of your children do anything that in your mind will taint them for life. To be cut off from their father because they aren't a "better" person because of past behaviour would be heartbreaking. I know there are parents who are like this. I just hope your kids don't so anything you consider not worthy of a second chance.

 

My kids live with me. I kept all four of them and booted her out. I have raised them to believe they deserve better than that. There mother has only made it easier to show them. She is still a peice of xxxx. She recently had her other kids taken away by cps. I would have never left my kids with her.

 

Clay

[Selfish]

 

It shouldn't need to be said, but I guess it does need to be: a spouse is not your child. It's not the same, remotely. I never for a single second read that and thought it meant he would disown his children. I have to believe a majority of people would come to the same conclusion(mostly so I can keep my sanity).

Unfortunatly there are many people who do follow such a rigid policy of only surrounding them with "better" people that they do in fact disown their own kids. Or at the very least the kids never stop feeling their parent's disapproval. If he had said he didn't want to stay in a committed relationship with a person who is capable of cheating that is one thing. But he says he surrounds himself with "better" people. That is more than just a spouse. And that is saying he doesn't believe in redemption. A hard thing if it is one of his kids who fall.

[Selfish]

My kids live with me. I kept all four of them and booted her out. I have raised them to believe they deserve better than that. There mother has only made it easier to show them. She is still a peice of xxxx. She recently had her other kids taken away by cps. I would have never left my kids with her.

 

Clay

 

I am glad. But, don't think your kids will never cheat because you taught them well. Many parent ends up very disappointed when their children fail to meet their expectations. All you can do is raise them. They will make their own decisions in life.

[Clay]

I am glad. But, don't think your kids will never cheat because you taught them well. Many parent ends up very disappointed when their children fail to meet their expectations. All you can do is raise them. They will make their own decisions in life.

 

If you don't set the standard in life then who does? I know my kids will have there problems in life but I will always set the bar high. You can raise your kids how you want. If you want to teach your kids forgiveness then that is your choice. I want my kids to be leaders and strive for better things in life. I do have better people in my life now and my children benefit from this greatly.

 

I just personally don't want a cheater in my life. If you do then that is your choice.

 

Clay

[Selfish]

If you don't set the standard in life then who does? I know my kids will have there problems in life but I will always set the bar high. You can raise your kids how you want. If you want to teach your kids forgiveness then that is your choice. I want my kids to be leaders and strive for better things in life. I do have better people in my life now and my children benefit from this greatly.

 

I just personally don't want a cheater in my life. If you do then that is your choice.

 

Clay

 

I was a cheater so I can't do much about it can I?

 

My statement wasn't about teaching your kids to set a high bar. It was about how it would affect your kids when you don't allow them in your life because they themselves for a season did not meet that bar. the fact that there is no forgiveness or redemption for others in your mind. How will that come in to play if one of them cheats on a partner or some other crime you deem nonredeemable? Will you stick with your rule of only haveing peopl around you who have always lived to your standards? (no past cheaters or what not). or would you find it in your heart to forgive them and allow them in your life? Would you stop loving them? What if the transgression was something against you? I am not sure how you define "better" people or if you have a whole list of unforgivable sins. But if you do, would your children at least be the exception?

[TrustedthenBusted]

Some individuals crave attention and will get it anyway they can. Cheating is an easy way of getting the attention needs met. For some, there is no such thing as enough attention. For these folks, good marriage or not, the validation of attention and being wanted and lusted for is too hard to resist. These folks are usually conflict avoidant and good at deception. It's a skill to appear as the role model parent and citizen while living a double life.

 

For some people they require more than one partner to fill their needs. These are people who think the rules do not apply to them, and in a way they feel contempt for those who play by the rules as suckers. These are folks who know that in the real world nothing is fair and those who succeed play by their own rules.

 

This is my wife. She is always the prettiest girl in the group, but still expects the less attractive girls to compliment her endlessly.

 

She's gotten better, but honestly, I can still see it. When the compliments are coming, she literally lights up. FUnny thing though... she almost never GIVES them. to anyone. Ever.

 

And for the record, I'd never bang my admin. At least not if I had to cheat to do it. It was just an example of how if I made the same choice my wife did, even for the same reasons, it would never fly. In fact, it would be considered WORSE now that we're supposedly enlightened.

 

Just sucks.

[Selfish]

This is my wife. She is always the prettiest girl in the group, but still expects the less attractive girls to compliment her endlessly.

 

She's gotten better, but honestly, I can still see it. When the compliments are coming, she literally lights up. FUnny thing though... she almost never GIVES them. to anyone. Ever.

 

And for the record, I'd never bang my admin. At least not if I had to cheat to do it. It was just an example of how if I made the same choice my wife did, even for the same reasons, it would never fly. In fact, it would be considered WORSE now that we're supposedly enlightened.

 

Just sucks.

 

It sucks that you are building a marriage with better boundaries? Or it sucks because you really wish you could have a turn being bad?

[Furious]

I was a cheater so I can't do much about it can I?

 

My statement wasn't about teaching your kids to set a high bar. It was about how it would affect your kids when you don't allow them in your life because they themselves for a season did not meet that bar. the fact that there is no forgiveness or redemption for others in your mind. How will that come in to play if one of them cheats on a partner or some other crime you deem nonredeemable? Will you stick with your rule of only haveing peopl around you who have always lived to your standards? (no past cheaters or what not). or would you find it in your heart to forgive them and allow them in your life? Would you stop loving them? What if the transgression was something against you? I am not sure how you define "better" people or if you have a whole list of unforgivable sins. But if you do, would your children at least be the exception?

 

This is high drama straw man tactic. Do you raise your children with low expectations.

[Selfish]

This is high drama straw man tactic.

 

No it is a legitimate question. There are many people as I have said who have damaged or no relationships with their kids because the kids failed to meet expectations of their parents. And what is high drama about it? He has four children. People cheat from all walks of life. Statistically speaking he has a very high chance of one of his children going down that path.