MelodyRye Posted December 12, 2014 Posted December 12, 2014 (edited) Though I've only dated this guy from my college for a couple months and he's not my bf, he still made me think that things were going to get serious, he wasn't seeing others and that he needed time to think about it. Plus, we did fooled around too. Not only that but the excuse about his family situation and other things were false. One day as I was going to the movies with my female friends, I caught him with another girl kissing. It was also confirmed by one of my female friends that he was also dating other girls besides the one I saw him with. Ok, so I'm not too affected (I already got over it) as I only liked him and not enough time was invested but still, it sucks that I wasted even minutes of my time with this liar. I was upset and told him straight out not to contact me again. Ironically, this kind of feels (to a much lesser degree of hurt but still, I was upset) similar to the way I played with someone when I was 17, way back in 2011 but I was forgiven and he's my friend now. And now it's like I stumbled into the male counterpart of what I was like back then. I guess it's true when they say certain things do end up coming back to you even after years later. Edited December 12, 2014 by MelodyRye
Author MelodyRye Posted December 12, 2014 Author Posted December 12, 2014 Still, did I even deserve that? I know it's not cheating but in a way, I do feel like I was somewhat cheated on.
CarrieT Posted December 12, 2014 Posted December 12, 2014 Still, did I even deserve that? I know it's not cheating but in a way, I do feel like I was somewhat cheated on. If you haven't talked about exclusivity, then it is not cheating. Do you deserve it? Of course - without clarification, all bets are off and you have learned a valuable lesson that you will, hopefully, not repeat again. 4
Author MelodyRye Posted December 12, 2014 Author Posted December 12, 2014 If you haven't talked about exclusivity, then it is not cheating.I know but I wasn't seeing others, was honest with him and really was serious about it. It's like he led me on. And nope, ever since that long time incident I haven't done anything like that again. I was a senior in HS then, now I'm 21.
angel.eyes Posted December 12, 2014 Posted December 12, 2014 So you weren't seeing anyone. That's you. He made it clear he wasn't your boyfriend and he had to think about it. If he doesn't agree to what you want, it's completely irrelevant what you do. Two people have to agree to be exclusive, not one. 1
ktya Posted December 12, 2014 Posted December 12, 2014 Unfortunately you made the misconception that because you told him you werent seeing anyone else and he didnt proffer up that he was that you were exclusive. Over 2014 i multi dated a lot. I am not a liar or a player but i would never bring up the topic, except when the girl brought it up. Being an honest person, i would straight out tell them that i was seeing another 2, 3, 5, or even 9 girls. But i have to say the first time was pretty hard. Were trained and conditioned to be one on one, and im sorry to say but us men are used to girls acting quite badly when that turns out to not be the case. I was actually pretty surprised at how well the girls took it. It was almost like the higher the number i gave them, the better they behaved and the less drama id receive. In my experience, when you tell a girl your only seeing them they try to contort and twist you into a pretzel using their presence as the bait on the hook. When they know your in a feeding frenzy, they seem to get into a competitive mode because they know theyre one text message away from being the next one off the roster. The guy is young, you guys are in college, and he hasnt grown the balls to.do that yet. My advice to you is; date multiple men. As a college age girl it will be easy for you anyway. Then have a real talk about exclusivity when you meet q great guy that you want to lock down and when its mutual then do it. You dont have to feel bad or sleep around to date multiple men. For a long time i was seeing a korean, a filipino (who during the year got and moved in with a boyfriend yet we still had sex together from time to time, shes broken up with him now), and a white girl. Interestingly enough i still talk to all of them a year almost later and consider them both friends and potential life partners. Randoms they are not, theres just no committment or exclusivity.
CarrieT Posted December 12, 2014 Posted December 12, 2014 I know but I wasn't seeing others So, did you ask him not to see others? Or even ask him how he felt about you not seeing others? I was honest with him and really was serious about it. Again, so? Just because YOU were serious about the relationship doesn't guarantee that the feeling was mutual in wanting to go about it the same way. That is the importance of communicating expectations - which you did not. It's like he led me on. But he didn't if he did not respond to the statement that you weren't seeing others. In fact, because he did not offer up any reciprocity, THAT was the red flag right there that he *was* still seeing other people. Quite the opposite of being led on. I was a senior in HS then, now I'm 21. You are 21, but you are still learning how this all works. And, I'm sorry to say, you still have some learning to do. Read through these sites and pages; learn from others that have gone through similar experiences. You will see that you were not alone but you will also learn some other pitfalls to shy away from. 1
preraph Posted December 12, 2014 Posted December 12, 2014 One time I was having what I considered the love affair of my life and ended up sitting right behind him and a date at a concert. I was so upset I was practically hallucinating violent things. I was with a stunning guy, but he knew it was a guy friend from work. At work, we often coupled up just because of the gratis concert tickets. Grrrr. I mean, how many madly passionate love affairs does a guy need at once to ever be satisfied? I could never again trust that loving look he gave me again, and unfortunately it continued to affect me for a very long time and I was always weak when it came to him, but that's why I held the line once he'd definitely crossed it (which was not from that incident but something worse). We had parallel careers of I'd have gotten away from the temptation. I'm glad you're already over it. That's way healthier!!!
MercuryMorrison1 Posted December 12, 2014 Posted December 12, 2014 It sounds like he was just multi dating. Some people think that's a bad thing and others not so much. But the truth is basically what everyone's already told you...You were serious, he was not...He made this clear, therefore he was not chained to you in anyway, it does not matter that you chose not to see other people ''essentially making you exclusive to him in your mind''. Now if you both had reached an agreement that you were officially dating just each other, then I would be on your side here and I would have agreed that he's a dirt bag. But it sounds like he was pretty straight forward with you, be thankful for that, he could have deceived you just for sex or something and just dragged you a long while he fooled around with other girls. It's good you are over it it beats the hell out of trying to do something vindictive or anything like that. 1
BlueIvy Posted December 12, 2014 Posted December 12, 2014 Though I've only dated this guy from my college for a couple months and he's not my bf, he still made me think that things were going to get serious, he wasn't seeing others and that he needed time to think about it. Plus, we did fooled around too. Not only that but the excuse about his family situation and other things were false. One day as I was going to the movies with my female friends, I caught him with another girl kissing. It was also confirmed by one of my female friends that he was also dating other girls besides the one I saw him with. Ok, so I'm not too affected (I already got over it) as I only liked him and not enough time was invested but still, it sucks that I wasted even minutes of my time with this liar. I was upset and told him straight out not to contact me again. Ironically, this kind of feels (to a much lesser degree of hurt but still, I was upset) similar to the way I played with someone when I was 17, way back in 2011 but I was forgiven and he's my friend now. And now it's like I stumbled into the male counterpart of what I was like back then. I guess it's true when they say certain things do end up coming back to you even after years later. The fact he had to think about it means he wasn't seeing you as girlfriend material. Men know pretty soon whether they want to take you seriously or not. And especially since you guys already fooled around aka sex?? Then he probably just saw you as that, just sex. My advice is don't put all your eggs in 1 basket. Most young men are just playing the field. I suggest you date multiple men w/o sex and narrow it down to that 1 guy that has mutual feelings for you. That way you don't feel played, although he technically let you know it wasn't exclusive. If he doesn't talk about becoming more serious/calling you a gf/ introducing you to his friends or family, then he's not that into you. Not only that but he lied to you as you claim, which to means showed maybe his intent all along was to get in your pants. Which just shows he's a dog and you don't want him. Good Luck and make yourself a priority, not a man.
Author MelodyRye Posted December 13, 2014 Author Posted December 13, 2014 (edited) To you all: I use to multiply date 2-3 guys at once a while long back too so this isn't new to me but with him, I felt different and wouldn't have mind waiting till he fixed his ''family issues'' as he claimed. In addition, we would text each other regularly and the day before our latest date, he canceled it and came with excuse of being all day long working on a school proyect and then visting his aunt but still said he would date me next week. This is where I'm calling him a liar because that's straight foward lying when he knew clearly he wasn't and it was because he was with someone else while sweet talking to me about having a great time with me the other days. Edited December 13, 2014 by MelodyRye
Gloria25 Posted December 13, 2014 Posted December 13, 2014 To you all: I use to multiply date 2-3 guys at once a while long back too so this isn't new to me but with him, I felt different and wouldn't have mind waiting till he fixed his ''family issues'' as he claimed. In addition, we would text each other regularly and the day before our latest date, he canceled it and came with excuse of being all day long working on a school proyect and then visting his aunt but still said he would date me next week. This is where I'm calling him a liar because that's straight foward lying when he knew clearly he wasn't and it was because he was with someone else while sweet talking to me about having a great time with me the other days. I think I'm gonna harp on what everyone else pretty much continues to harp on - which is, you can't look at this or that and make up in your own mind that it equates exclusivity...the "talk" must take place to make sure you both are on the same sheet of music. Shoot, even term "exclusive" means different things to different people. 1
Absinthe Posted December 13, 2014 Posted December 13, 2014 I can understand your annoyance because when I was multi-dating I never got hot and heavy with any of the guys. It was always light flirtation - a peck-on-the-cheek kind of stuff. No epic romance and especially no sex (casual sex relationships another matter, because that is usually agreed upon upfront). When I was ready for that, I'd go exclusive. I sense I am in a minority with this attitude. Unfortunately some people use the "we haven't had the exclusive talk" as a get-out clause for naff behaviour. I've also had relationships turn exclusive WITHOUT the talk - but I always knew where I stood with those people anyway. 1
Recommended Posts