xyz1234 Posted December 12, 2014 Posted December 12, 2014 So the dilemma I'm having right now is that with OLD I end up meeting a good amount of girls that I'm attracted to enough to date casually, but not enough to want a serious relationship with. I'd say maybe 10% of girls I meet I'd be willing to try to seriously date. Then once I weed out the other 90% and find one I really like it's not always mutual obviously. Meanwhile, I'm 27 and have only had one relationship and want to gain more experience, have fun, have sex (without it necessarily being one-night stands), etc, and I'm turning down pretty cool girls left and right just because I don't feel like I want a serious relationship with them. I guess I'm just trying to figure out how to approach this, but I don't know how and don't know the right words to say to aim for a casual relationship or FWBs without looking like a jerk who just wants sex. I truly am not like that, I really care for others and don't want to hurt people or lead someone to believe that I want a serious relationship with them when I don't, but I have a really hard time communicating this. It also makes me feel bad that if I was more attracted I'd want to seriously date them, but I don't and that's why I'm aiming for something less. I hate feeling like I'm not being completely honest with people, but I can't say "I'm not really looking for something serious with you because I'm not that into you." Do you guys have any suggestions?
Redhead14 Posted December 12, 2014 Posted December 12, 2014 So the dilemma I'm having right now is that with OLD I end up meeting a good amount of girls that I'm attracted to enough to date casually, but not enough to want a serious relationship with. I'd say maybe 10% of girls I meet I'd be willing to try to seriously date. Then once I weed out the other 90% and find one I really like it's not always mutual obviously. Meanwhile, I'm 27 and have only had one relationship and want to gain more experience, have fun, have sex (without it necessarily being one-night stands), etc, and I'm turning down pretty cool girls left and right just because I don't feel like I want a serious relationship with them. I guess I'm just trying to figure out how to approach this, but I don't know how and don't know the right words to say to aim for a casual relationship or FWBs without looking like a jerk who just wants sex. I truly am not like that, I really care for others and don't want to hurt people or lead someone to believe that I want a serious relationship with them when I don't, but I have a really hard time communicating this. It also makes me feel bad that if I was more attracted I'd want to seriously date them, but I don't and that's why I'm aiming for something less. I hate feeling like I'm not being completely honest with people, but I can't say "I'm not really looking for something serious with you because I'm not that into you." Do you guys have any suggestions? My friend, you cannot sustain an FWB or casual relationship if you are investing emotions as well. Those situations are about keeping someone at arm's length. It's ok to like them, you need to at least have that. When you do find women you're interested in, you must communicate what it is you really want in a casual way and find out what she's looking for in the long run. The fact is, that when you do this, you will run into a lot more women who do not want that, don't like your approach or are of the opinion you just want sex. You'll just have to deal with all those things and go boldly on to others until you do find one. There are, sites that are specifically for that purpose, but even they have their pitfalls. 1
JChristie Posted December 12, 2014 Posted December 12, 2014 from my experience there are a few ways to get involved with someone. it is normal that you reject 90 percent of girls. since we are all unique people, it is normal that we would be attracted to only a certain type or certain qualities in the people we want to date. give yourself a couple dates to get to know the girls that seem the most interesting. just do things that are fun. no expectations. kissing is ok, but nothing else. ultimately, you want to enjoy your partners company, even if for a casual sexual reltp. so give a little time getting to know the girls that are interesting to you. don't forget, there are girls out there who can be very vindictive if you are dishonest with them. so it is very important to be honest about yourself. but i don't recommend telling them you are looking for a casual sexual reltp. on the first date! most girls would definitely not like this unless they were really drunk, and even then. if you give love, you will get love.
losangelena Posted December 12, 2014 Posted December 12, 2014 Why don't you just hold out for a woman you really want to have a relationship with instead of having a casual thing? Otherwise, it'd behoove you to find out as soon as possible what the woman is looking for so you don't lead her on. In general, good boundaries and communication are the ways to get what you want in a relationship.
angel.eyes Posted December 12, 2014 Posted December 12, 2014 When I'm looking for a long-term relationship, I don't date people if I don't see them as potential long-term partners. It's a distraction that will keep me from my goal. That being said, I do go through phases where I'm not interested in a relationship, but am open to dating casually. Either way, I'm open and upfront about what I seek. Always. It's something that gets discussed before I agree to a date or on a first date. If I couldn't see myself with someone long-term, I'll state clearly in our initial conversation that I'm not looking for a relationship; I'm just looking to date casually. The guy usually raises the topic first, but if he doesn't, and he proceeds to ask for a date, I will. If we want different things, we aren't a match...things end there.
Author xyz1234 Posted December 14, 2014 Author Posted December 14, 2014 My friend, you cannot sustain an FWB or casual relationship if you are investing emotions as well. Those situations are about keeping someone at arm's length. It's ok to like them, you need to at least have that. Yeah, I've obviously never done it before so I'm not sure how it would work out as far as emotions getting involved. I guess I just know I like having sex, have had very little of it in my life, and know that it may be years before I find another girl I want a relationship with. And in the meantime I get hit on by relatively attractive girls and... I'm turning them all down because I don't see myself wanting anything serious with them? Plus I have so little relationship and sexual experience that when I finally do find someone I want a serious relationship with I'm not going to be someone they want to continue dating due to the inexperience. That's just generalizing, but most girls want a guy who's confident in bed and everything... When you do find women you're interested in, you must communicate what it is you really want in a casual way and find out what she's looking for in the long run. The fact is, that when you do this, you will run into a lot more women who do not want that, don't like your approach or are of the opinion you just want sex. You'll just have to deal with all those things and go boldly on to others until you do find one. There are, sites that are specifically for that purpose, but even they have their pitfalls. Yeah, I guess it's just really difficult for me to have the balls to communicate that or know the right words to say to not look like a jerk. And yeah, those sites (Tinder comes to mind) definitely have their pitfalls. I'm pretty sure the majority of girls on that site, which was designed to be superficial and more of a hookup site, want a relationship and do not want to hookup. from my experience there are a few ways to get involved with someone. it is normal that you reject 90 percent of girls. since we are all unique people, it is normal that we would be attracted to only a certain type or certain qualities in the people we want to date. give yourself a couple dates to get to know the girls that seem the most interesting. just do things that are fun. no expectations. kissing is ok, but nothing else. ultimately, you want to enjoy your partners company, even if for a casual sexual reltp. so give a little time getting to know the girls that are interesting to you. don't forget, there are girls out there who can be very vindictive if you are dishonest with them. so it is very important to be honest about yourself. but i don't recommend telling them you are looking for a casual sexual reltp. on the first date! most girls would definitely not like this unless they were really drunk, and even then. if you give love, you will get love. I hear you, but the problem is I usually know after the first date whether or not I want a serious relationship with a person. I'm not going to lie and I wish it wasn't the case but I'm very superficial. I also have thoughts that I want my next girlfriend to be more physically attractive than my ex, and I really don't want to settle for less. I know that's a bad way of thinking but it's just how it is. Why don't you just hold out for a woman you really want to have a relationship with instead of having a casual thing? Otherwise, it'd behoove you to find out as soon as possible what the woman is looking for so you don't lead her on. In general, good boundaries and communication are the ways to get what you want in a relationship. Like I said above I don't want to hold out for a woman I want to have a relationship with because I want to gain more experience and honestly, to have sex. I feel like I'm so far behind with all of this stuff and that I need more experience in order to even attract someone I'm into enough to have a relationship with. You can say that I did find someone to have a relationship since I did have a 4 month one earlier this year and that I'll find another, but honestly that girl was legitimately crazy and would date anyone, as I now know based on the guy she's currently dating. But yeah, I agree about the boundaries and communication being key, but I just don't know how to go about communicating it without coming off as a jerk. Either way, I'm open and upfront about what I seek. Always. It's something that gets discussed before I agree to a date or on a first date. If I couldn't see myself with someone long-term, I'll state clearly in our initial conversation that I'm not looking for a relationship; I'm just looking to date casually. The guy usually raises the topic first, but if he doesn't, and he proceeds to ask for a date, I will. If we want different things, we aren't a match...things end there. How do you go about saying you want to date casually? I guess I'm just scared to say it and open myself to being judged for it. It probably also helps that you're a female (I assume based on your username?) and most guys are probably pretty down for whatever, be it a relationship or something casual, haha.
Author xyz1234 Posted December 14, 2014 Author Posted December 14, 2014 I really started this thread at the perfect time to put what I'm learning from you guys to use... Last night I was out with friends, and this girl who is a friend of a friend was hitting on me all night. It was pretty awkward because my good friend is into her and had been hitting on her the past few weeks without any luck. We were also out for this guys birthday, so it made me feel even worse. At one point during the night he told me that the girls friend told him that the girl is into me and he basically gave me his blessing to go for it. So that was good news I guess. The problem is, I'm attracted to her but not really attracted enough to want a relationship I'm pretty sure. She was really aggressive, took my hand, pulled me out onto the dance floor, made out with me pretty aggressively... and my poor friend saw it all. Afterward she could tell I was having some reservations and asked if I'm just not into her or what, so I explained that I knew my friend was into her and I was feeling bad for him. She told me she just wasn't into him, and he had hit on her while she was still with her ex, which she thought was creepy and a turn off. I ended up getting a ride home from a friend, and both the girl and my friend who likes her were in the car. So we all just got dropped off at our own places. She then texted me and asked if we can hang out again. I didn't know what to say and was trying to figure out what to do and 20 minutes later she said "alright, too aggressive, sorry." I felt horrible and texted back that we could hang out again and that I was exhausted and going to bed, and said goodnight. She never responded. Now I don't know what to say to her. What I was thinking I could say would be something along the lines of: "I like you and would like to see you again, but to be honest I've had some pretty bad dating experiences lately and don't know if I'm ready to see anyone seriously at the moment (the truth, that's really how I'm feeling recently). If you'd be ok with hanging out kind of casually I'd really like that." How is that? She may be feeling the same way for all I know, since she recently got out of a six year relationship and I've heard that she's been a mess when she's gone out with friends recently. But my friend who is into her actually told me that he thought it was still too soon after her breakup and thought that was why she wasn't receptive too him, and that was apparently wrong, so who knows. This feels so weird. After going so long in life without really getting much attention from girls I'm finally getting a good amount of it and I'm pretty miserable and just feeling bad for all of the girls I'm turning down. I can't win, haha.
Donnie Darko Posted December 14, 2014 Posted December 14, 2014 If you can prevent yourself from over-analyzing every potential woman as a long term/serious dating partner, then you can just have fun and enjoy the experience. Some girls are good enough to be fun to hang out with and have fun with without it ever having to turn into something so serious. And then if you can relax because you aren't trying to determine if she is a long-term dating partner, then you will be calm and more likely to be yourself which also may put your dates at ease making it easier for the both of you to be yourselves and have fun.
Author xyz1234 Posted December 15, 2014 Author Posted December 15, 2014 Yeah, the over analyzing definitely is my problem. I guess it comes from having so little relationship experience, and then the fact that the only relationship I've ever been in was with someone who was super serious right from the start just compounds it. She was talking marriage, babies, and moving in together within the first two or three months of the four month relationship, maybe even earlier for some of that stuff... I also always hear stories of guys dating girls, then just disappearing once they hook up and the girls are always upset about it. I really don't want to be that guy. I guess it's just the fact that I feel like I'm wasting both my time and the other person's time by dating someone I'm not that into. I guess I just have to be upfront about it from the start after the first date, it's just that I'll feel so dishonest and just... immoral. Because saying "I'm only looking for something casual right now" is a total lie, and it's really that I'm just not that into them.
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