Why not just end it...why the games??

[3rdone]

Ah ha....This is an import piece of the puzzle.

 

The way I like to operate in relationships is to have really open communication. How is your communication with each other? It just seems like a lot of guessing going on here. I mean, she came over to your place and wanted to have sex! And she was peeved you didn't invite her!

 

It seems to me there are some differing expectations going on here. On the surface it looks like she wants to be able to come and go as she wishes but you are supposed to be available whenever she decides to show up. But I really hate to make judgements like that and make assumptions.

 

If it were me, and this is just me, I would just say, "Look, I think we are having some differing expectations here and I think we should just talk about it. Let's meet over coffee and have a good talk."

 

I would meet with her and just talk about it. I can't can't stand guessing what is in another person's mind, especially someone with whom I am in a relationship with. Because right now I see big potential for misunderstanding.

 

As I've gotten older I really value in a relationship honesty, and open communication. I look for this in somebody. Even if a person wants space there is no reason that it can't be very out in the open what each person is thinking.

 

Because right now you two have no communication at all about what is happening. You think she wants space, she comes over for sex. She seems peeved for not being invited and you are on a forum because you are confused out of your mind.

 

Talk to each other! And if she isn't interested evaluate what type of person you want to be with.

 

...good stuff. But that's what the first talk was about last week. I said verbatim: " I think we are on different pages, stages of life, expecations." She sent me messages saying she would do better just not use to another person being around, etc. We make up everything is cool up to Sat, then right back to where we started.

 

This Wed she comes over I ask if everything is ok, because she is acting standoff-ish... and that's where this thread starts..

 

now it's like she doesn't want to communicate at all. I get the recharge thing, but complete silence is another. Not to mention leaving things behind so you HAVE to come back to get them. I know if I leave a pair of nice shoes at a chicks house that if I'm there I'm getting all my stuff if I wanted that much space.

 

With the no invite situation, that was not intentional. I just hadn't heard from her and didn't want to keep blowing up her phone....giving her space. But when she showed up she was ALL over me and happy as could be. We don't sleep with each other because I tell her I have to leave, and then the next day she comes over and we do...after I initiated it.

 

We made plans and she came by Wednesday. I could tell something was up, so we had the "talk" which is when her whole demeanor changed...then again doesn't want me to back off?? I asked her point blank do you want me to back off for a while...she said no!!?? So I'm confused...which is why I'm here lol. I have no reason to believe she is lying but damn if I don't feel there is more to the story...

 

 

 

I just read this post...I'm too much!!! What am I doing??? I'm pushing her away with all the questions aren't I? I see it now that I'm reading all this

[bachdude]

...good stuff. But that's what the first talk was about last week. I said verbatim: " I think we are on different pages, stages of life, expecations." She sent me messages saying she would do better just not use to another person being around, etc. We make up everything is cool up to Sat, then right back to where we started.

 

This Wed she comes over I ask if everything is ok, because she is acting standoff-ish... and that's where this thread starts..

 

now it's like she doesn't want to communicate at all. I get the recharge thing, but complete silence is another. Not to mention leaving things behind so you HAVE to come back to get them. I know if I leave a pair of nice shoes at a chicks house that if I'm there I'm getting all my stuff if I wanted that much space.

 

With the no invite situation, that was not intentional. I just hadn't heard from her and didn't want to keep blowing up her phone....giving her space. But when she showed up she was ALL over me and happy as could be. We don't sleep with each other because I tell her I have to leave, and then the next day she comes over and we do...after I initiated it.

 

We made plans and she came by Wednesday. I could tell something was up, so we had the "talk" which is when her whole demeanor changed...then again doesn't want me to back off?? I asked her point blank do you want me to back off for a while...she said no!!?? So I'm confused...which is why I'm here lol. I have no reason to believe she is lying but damn if I don't feel there is more to the story...

 

 

 

I just read this post...I'm too much!!! What am I doing??? I'm pushing her away with all the questions aren't I? I see it now that I'm reading all this

 

OK, it is becoming clearer to me that the two of you just want different things from the relationship.

 

I am going back to your original post, where you wrote,

 

She said the last guy she dated she only saw once a week. She said I know that's not good for you but that's just how it is right now. She kept saying we were fine. Of course we kiss pretty passionately for a while smiling etc... (no sex this time) and she leaves.

 

It looks to me that she wants a relationship where she sees you and contacts you only periodically, like her last relationship. But then shows up to be close and have sex .And she even admitted that she knows this isn't good for you.

 

That is why in her mind nothing is wrong but you think it is completely out of whack! Especially since the relationship started differently. For you it is a big change but for her it is going back to what is comfortable for her.

 

But I would find it hard to deal with too. I can't have sex with a woman and then have no contact for 3 days or so without even a simple response to a text.

 

No, I don't think anything is wrong in her mind. The two of you just have completely different ideas of what you want in this relationship of yours.

 

If I were you. I would just put it out there . I would say something like...

 

"I have come to the conclusion that we just want different things from this relationship. I understand that you are extremely busy with kids and everything else on your plate. But, honestly, it just doesn't work for me to go for 3 days without any contact at all, and then have you show up and we are close and even have sex, and then we go for 3 more days without any contact again. That isn't the type of relationship that works for me. It's the way I'm wired I guess. I can go for 3 days without seeing each other and even three days without a lot of contact, but I can't go 3 days with NO contact. And if you want extra space right now, then i can understand that too and I am willing to go for several days without contact BUT if you want space then I need to have the space across the board. It doesn't work for me to compartmentalize the space to just no contact for three days but be so physically intimate. It doesn't work for me because I take you and this relationship seriously and it messes with my brain to have sex and then go to no contact. Sorry, it just isn't my thing. I'm just being honest with you. So what can we do? Can we get passed this? Do you have any ideas?"

 

...and go from there, just having a civil heart to heart honest conversation.

 

For what it's worth, it wouldn't work for me either. And that's cool because not everybody is wired the same. You don't need to prove to her or anybody here how tough you are. If it doesn't work for you then it doesn't work. So if it were me I'd just lay it out there honestly and maybe you two can begin to have an honest conversation about what the two of you want and your expectations in the relationship.

 

And if she avoids talking about it then she isn't available for you right now emotionally. You can't have a relationship with someone who won't discuss or even be willing to meet you half way by returning a simple text message and having some contact during the day to show simple care and concern.

[3rdone]

OK, it is becoming clearer to me that the two of you just want different things from the relationship.

 

I am going back to your original post, where you wrote,

 

 

 

It looks to me that she wants a relationship where she sees you and contacts you only periodically, like her last relationship. But then shows up to be close and have sex .And she even admitted that she knows this isn't good for you.

 

That is why in her mind nothing is wrong but you think it is completely out of whack! Especially since the relationship started differently. For you it is a big change but for her it is going back to what is comfortable for her.

 

But I would find it hard to deal with too. I can't have sex with a woman and then have no contact for 3 days or so without even a simple response to a text.

 

No, I don't think anything is wrong in her mind. The two of you just have completely different ideas of what you want in this relationship of yours.

 

If I were you. I would just put it out there . I would say something like...

 

"I have come to the conclusion that we just want different things from this relationship. I understand that you are extremely busy with kids and everything else on your plate. But, honestly, it just doesn't work for me to go for 3 days without any contact at all, and then have you show up and we are close and even have sex, and then we go for 3 more days without any contact again. That isn't the type of relationship that works for me. It's the way I'm wired I guess. I can go for 3 days without seeing each other and even three days without a lot of contact, but I can't go 3 days with NO contact. And if you want extra space right now, then i can understand that too and I am willing to go for several days without contact BUT if you want space then I need to have the space across the board. It doesn't work for me to compartmentalize the space to just no contact for three days but be so physically intimate. It doesn't work for me because I take you and this relationship seriously and it messes with my brain to have sex and then go to no contact. Sorry, it just isn't my thing. I'm just being honest with you. So what can we do? Can we get passed this? Do you have any ideas?"

 

...and go from there, just having a civil heart to heart honest conversation.

 

For what it's worth, it wouldn't work for me either. And that's cool because not everybody is wired the same. You don't need to prove to her or anybody here how tough you are. If it doesn't work for you then it doesn't work. So if it were me I'd just lay it out there honestly and maybe you two can begin to have an honest conversation about what the two of you want and your expectations in the relationship.

 

And if she avoids talking about it then she isn't available for you right now emotionally. You can't have a relationship with someone who won't discuss or even be willing to meet you half way by returning a simple text message and having some contact during the day to show simple care and concern.

 

 

 

Thank you.... Just thank you for that post

[bachdude]

Thank you.... Just thank you for that post

 

I hope it helps!

Edited December 13, 2014 by bachdude

[Danda]

OP you seem kind of needy, even if it's just an intense, pushy need to be told exactly what to do by your lover or how to magically make things better from your perspective.

 

She can't give you that right now. She's stressed and her life is a little chaotic right now. There's nothing you can do to make it magically better, but you're practically demanding for her to tell you how to do just that. She can't.

 

Don't you think that if she knew how to make her life magically less stressful and simpler, she would have done it herself, already?

 

But it's likely that you don't see yourself as being needy or demanding, because you want to help and make things better. Your intentions are benevolent, so how can you be the demanding one?

 

But as a former "codependent" PD, let me assure you - being pushy with your need to 'fix' everything can be selfish in a weird way that is hard to perceive if you're the one whose desperate to fix things. I'm not saying you have CPD or anything, but just letting you know the perspective I'm coming from. I've had it spelled out to me in no uncertain terms.

 

Anyway, it sounds like she recognizes that she might have a tendency to just drown herself in a relationship to avoid the stress from the rest of her life, and she is trying to make a conscious effort not to do that.

 

"She said I have a lot of sh#% going on right now, family drama, I need to get my life together, I can't keep doing nothing. Then she says I can't get so caught up in you that I don't do what I need to do to get my life together... med school, job etc."

 

She spelled it out for you pretty clearly that it's not that she doesn't like you, that you're doing anything wrong, or that she wants less time from you ("space"). But rather she's being deliberate in her conviction and drive to prioritize improving her life with her time and energy right now.

 

But you have the mentality that it must be a matter of you needing to do something, stop doing something, or some other matter of you you you and more you.

 

I know your intentions are good, but try to consider it from this perspective.

 

If the relationship is not working for you, it's okay to walk away and doesn't make you a 'bad guy' or anything like that.

 

But if you think she's worth it, then please actually listen to her.

[bachdude]

deleted post!

Edited December 13, 2014 by bachdude

[3rdone]

Comes over wednesday and we talk it out about what's going on and for the most part says what's in the previous paragraph...but her actions are different.

 

We don't talk thursday.

 

She sends me a txt on Friday around 9pm saying Hey how was you day? I respond a couple hours later...It was good. That was end of the convo.

 

She goes to a bachelorette party the next day I get another text at 5:45 Hey there just wanted to say hi. Hope you have a good night. I was busy so I texted her later that night around 11pm..."have a good night...thanks." She responds with "ha! You're funny." I say I'm not following? She sends back LOL. I then tell her I was busy with a family emergency all day (at the hospital) and I'm sorry for being short and I don't want to argue.

 

She then says.."sorry im kinda drunk. I didn't mean anything by it Sorry to hear that." Then another text right after saying "really am sorry was just messing around.

 

I told her I was just frustrated, tired, and miss you. She sends "Do you??" I respond with yes..do you? She sends drunk sorry in 2 separate text (it's been 15min since the Im sorry text mind you)..Im like so that's a no. then she sends a series of one word text: No, Sorry, didn't mean no, opposite, drink remember, u*

 

she went from texting completely coherently to piss drunk in 30 min??

 

today I text her saying sorry for being so curt just a lot going on, has nothing to do with you. I know you're busy so I'm going to try to give you that space. Hope I didn't upset you, take care

 

6hrs later I get, "don't worry, I was crazy drunk, could not communicate via text."

 

It's driving me crazy with this slooooowww communication game. Is she mad at me? Did I piss her off by not responding fast enough? Am I even in the game at this point? She leaves little crumbs to make me think we're ok, but our communication has dropped. Am I reading too much into this?

[whichwayisup]

It's too bad people dating don't actually pick up the phone and talk anymore. Everybody relies on texts and obviously communication is harder that way as words tend to jump off the page a certain way and it's easy to take things the wrong way or out of context, depending on how something is worded.

 

I think backing off is the right thing to do and not rely on hearing from her daily.

 

You two do need to talk face to face, have a more serious conversation once the holidays are over.

 

It's driving me crazy with this slooooowww communication game. Is she mad at me? Did I piss her off by not responding fast enough? Am I even in the game at this point? She leaves little crumbs to make me think we're ok, but our communication has dropped. Am I reading too much into this?

 

stop assuming she's mad at you or pissed off. If you keep asking her and apologizing etc, she will get mad eventually.

 

She did tell you she's extremely busy and stressed. She is keeping in touch just not to your liking. Allow her to reach out to you next time.

[3rdone]

It's too bad people dating don't actually pick up the phone and talk anymore. Everybody relies on texts and obviously communication is harder that way as words tend to jump off the page a certain way and it's easy to take things the wrong way or out of context, depending on how something is worded.

 

I think backing off is the right thing to do and not rely on hearing from her daily.

 

You two do need to talk face to face, have a more serious conversation once the holidays are over.

 

 

 

stop assuming she's mad at you or pissed off. If you keep asking her and apologizing etc, she will get mad eventually.

 

She did tell you she's extremely busy and stressed. She is keeping in touch just not to your liking. Allow her to reach out to you next time.

 

At one point that is what i was doing. She said that I quit texting her and that I expected her to be the one to text all the time. To my liking? Once a day isn't much of anything especially in a relationship where the sex is non stop when we're together.

[3rdone]

I was thinking of not contacting her tomorrow and see how that goes. Then maybe asking her if she wanted to take a walk and grab some ice cream or something and do the face to face thing then. Is that asking too much? I think that is reasonable. We've never done that before either. What do I do if it's a no? she's going out of town this weekend so I won't see her for a while and then the next weekend is Christmas. We've only being dating 2 months so I don't expect to be hanging out at her house then either.

[3rdone]

you're right about the texting though. It's tough because I feel she thinks I'm not interested when I don't text her right away

[3rdone]

I'm also starting to think...That just maybe, just maybe she is shying away right now through the holidays because she has no money (no job) to buy me Christmas presents and would be somewhat embarrassed if she didn't or couldn't...just a thought. I know once upon a time I would break up with people before Christmas because i was broke and embarrassed.

 

She always complains about not having money too. I have asked her what her daughter wants for Christmas and she continues to not tell me and now it doesn't even come up. I love giving and would do anything for her but I know how it feels to not have money especially around this time of year.

[bachdude]

At one point that is what i was doing. She said that I quit texting her and that I expected her to be the one to text all the time. To my liking? Once a day isn't much of anything especially in a relationship where the sex is non stop when we're together.

 

This is so confusing!

 

You think she quit texting and she thinks you quit texting....and you are here on a forum trying to figure out why she is pulling away and doesn't text!

 

And the sex is none stop when you two are together!

 

I have no idea what is going on!

 

I am thinking along the lines of the other poster...why not just bag the whole texting thing altogether and schedule a time or times to talk each day, like we used to do before cell phones!

 

I'm mean, if the texting is causing such issues, just get ride of it.

 

Just a thought!