3rdone Posted December 12, 2014 Posted December 12, 2014 she has been pulling back lately (told her how I felt 'L" word) ok update...we had a talk on Wed. I asked her if we were ok and she said yes why? I said because she's been a little distant and she said it's not you or anything to do with you. She said I have a lot of sh#% going on right now, family drama, I need to get my life together, I can't keep doing nothing. Then she says I can't get so caught up in you that I don't do what I need to do to get my life together... med school, job etc. She then said that I know that sounds bad but it's not you at all. I asked if she wanted to end it and she said no. I then asked if she wanted me to back off and give her space..again she said no. Then she says, I'm not seeing anyone else. She said that there's no one to watch her kid because her mom is going back to working full time so during the week she can't, and that the next few weekends she has stuff going on, bachelorette party, next weekend sisters graduation in another state she is going to, and then Christmas. She said it won't be like this all the time but right now this is it. She then said you literally get ALL my free time and this is a lot for me. She said the last guy she dated she only saw once a week. She said I know that's not good for you but that's just how it is right now. She kept saying we were fine. Of course we kiss pretty passionately for a while smiling etc... (no sex this time) and she leaves. ...The next day (Thurs) I hear nothing from her so I text her to be careful out there in the rain (she hates rain) and have a good day...she text me 3 hours later saying I don't feel good and I hope I'm not getting sick and the rain is not helping. I was in a meeting so I text her when I got out at 5 (about 3 hours later) saying I'm sorry you're sick I hope you feel better....Haven't heard from her since. This is becoming a pattern. She didn't text much at all when we started dating, but this is getting ridiculous not to mention we don't we don't see each other that much....Why won't she just end it? She still has shoes here she won't take home as well. Why string this out if you're losing interest, want out, etc...? Why the no contact?
evanescentworld Posted December 12, 2014 Posted December 12, 2014 Why don't you end it? At least then you'd have a definite and final solution. Sorted. I mean, the more you hang around on the fringe, the more you just play into the drama...
Redhead14 Posted December 12, 2014 Posted December 12, 2014 she has been pulling back lately (told her how I felt 'L" word) ok update...we had a talk on Wed. I asked her if we were ok and she said yes why? I said because she's been a little distant and she said it's not you or anything to do with you. She said I have a lot of sh#% going on right now, family drama, I need to get my life together, I can't keep doing nothing. Then she says I can't get so caught up in you that I don't do what I need to do to get my life together... med school, job etc. She then said that I know that sounds bad but it's not you at all. I asked if she wanted to end it and she said no. I then asked if she wanted me to back off and give her space..again she said no. Then she says, I'm not seeing anyone else. She said that there's no one to watch her kid because her mom is going back to working full time so during the week she can't, and that the next few weekends she has stuff going on, bachelorette party, next weekend sisters graduation in another state she is going to, and then Christmas. She said it won't be like this all the time but right now this is it. She then said you literally get ALL my free time and this is a lot for me. She said the last guy she dated she only saw once a week. She said I know that's not good for you but that's just how it is right now. She kept saying we were fine. Of course we kiss pretty passionately for a while smiling etc... (no sex this time) and she leaves. ...The next day (Thurs) I hear nothing from her so I text her to be careful out there in the rain (she hates rain) and have a good day...she text me 3 hours later saying I don't feel good and I hope I'm not getting sick and the rain is not helping. I was in a meeting so I text her when I got out at 5 (about 3 hours later) saying I'm sorry you're sick I hope you feel better....Haven't heard from her since. This is becoming a pattern. She didn't text much at all when we started dating, but this is getting ridiculous not to mention we don't we don't see each other that much....Why won't she just end it? She still has shoes here she won't take home as well. Why string this out if you're losing interest, want out, etc...? Why the no contact? She's told you that there is so much going on with her right now. Believe her. There isn't no contact, it's just not as much as you want. She wasn't texting very much in the beginning. Nothing has changed, she's just not a texter. I'd leave her be for a bit. Don't text or call her for a couple of days and see how/if she comes to you. It will be difficult, but you need to try it. If she has truly lost interest, you will know it, she'll likely not contact you or gradually fade perhaps. If she's got so much going on, she's already overwhelmed and likely can't deal with actually breaking up with you on top of that. It's not the right way for her to do it if that's really what she wants, but it's just too much. As for the shoes, they probably aren't important enough for her to worry about given what's going on. 1
bachdude Posted December 12, 2014 Posted December 12, 2014 (edited) she has been pulling back lately (told her how I felt 'L" word) ok update...we had a talk on Wed. I asked her if we were ok and she said yes why? I said because she's been a little distant and she said it's not you or anything to do with you. She said I have a lot of sh#% going on right now, family drama, I need to get my life together, I can't keep doing nothing. Then she says I can't get so caught up in you that I don't do what I need to do to get my life together... med school, job etc. She then said that I know that sounds bad but it's not you at all. I asked if she wanted to end it and she said no. I then asked if she wanted me to back off and give her space..again she said no. Then she says, I'm not seeing anyone else. She said that there's no one to watch her kid because her mom is going back to working full time so during the week she can't, and that the next few weekends she has stuff going on, bachelorette party, next weekend sisters graduation in another state she is going to, and then Christmas. She said it won't be like this all the time but right now this is it. She then said you literally get ALL my free time and this is a lot for me. She said the last guy she dated she only saw once a week. She said I know that's not good for you but that's just how it is right now. She kept saying we were fine. Of course we kiss pretty passionately for a while smiling etc... (no sex this time) and she leaves. ...The next day (Thurs) I hear nothing from her so I text her to be careful out there in the rain (she hates rain) and have a good day...she text me 3 hours later saying I don't feel good and I hope I'm not getting sick and the rain is not helping. I was in a meeting so I text her when I got out at 5 (about 3 hours later) saying I'm sorry you're sick I hope you feel better....Haven't heard from her since. This is becoming a pattern. She didn't text much at all when we started dating, but this is getting ridiculous not to mention we don't we don't see each other that much....Why won't she just end it? She still has shoes here she won't take home as well. Why string this out if you're losing interest, want out, etc...? Why the no contact? Don't take it personally. Don't assume that her being distant means she wants to end the relationship! Just because she wants a little time to herself doesn't necessarily mean she wants to end the relationship. Maybe she needs to recharge a bit. It sounds like she feels drained. Don't blow it by crowing her. It will only push her away more and feel more drained that she has to deal with a needy boyfriend. Just relax, take a deep breath, be secure in yourself about giving her space, and enjoy some other activities while she is off in her own world. Let her miss you and come running back. And she'll be appreciative that she has a boyfriend that is secure enough in himself to give her some space when she needs it. Instead of getting all insecure about your relationship, just say, "Hey sweetie, I notice you seem a bit distracted lately, what do you need from me right now? How can I help?" How you handle this is very important. Edited December 12, 2014 by bachdude 2
Author 3rdone Posted December 12, 2014 Author Posted December 12, 2014 She's told you that there is so much going on with her right now. Believe her. There isn't no contact, it's just not as much as you want. She wasn't texting very much in the beginning. Nothing has changed, she's just not a texter. I'd leave her be for a bit. Don't text or call her for a couple of days and see how/if she comes to you. It will be difficult, but you need to try it. If she has truly lost interest, you will know it, she'll likely not contact you or gradually fade perhaps. If she's got so much going on, she's already overwhelmed and likely can't deal with actually breaking up with you on top of that. It's not the right way for her to do it if that's really what she wants, but it's just too much. As for the shoes, they probably aren't important enough for her to worry about given what's going on. I get what you're saying...as for the shoes, they are a nice pair of suede heels that she brought over one night for me to pick between the two for going out. I wouldn't consider them not important...plus I mad it wasy THEY ARE RIGHT BY THE DOOR! JUST TAKE 'EM
Author 3rdone Posted December 12, 2014 Author Posted December 12, 2014 Don't take it personally. Don't assume that her being distant means she wants to end the relationship! Just because she wants a little time to herself doesn't necessarily mean she wants to end the relationship. Maybe she needs to recharge a bit. It sounds like she feels drained. Don't blow it by crowing her. It will only push her away more and feel more drained that she has to deal with a needy boyfriend. Just relax, take a deep breath, be secure in yourself about giving her space, and enjoy some other activities while she is off in her own world. Let her miss you and come running back. And she'll be appreciative that she has a boyfriend that is secure enough in himself to give her some space when she needs it. Instead of getting all insecure about your relationship, just say, "Hey sweetie, I notice you seem a bit distracted lately, what do you need from me right now? How can I help?" How you handle this is very important. I asked that all in person when we had a talk. Asked what does she need, do you want to end it, want me to back off, etc.. (all the signs were pointing to that) She said no I don't, I'm not seeing anyone else (didn't ask by the way), it's not going to be like this all the time just right now it's a lot for me... Should I just go cold turkey and no contact for a while??
Redhead14 Posted December 12, 2014 Posted December 12, 2014 I asked that all in person when we had a talk. Asked what does she need, do you want to end it, want me to back off, etc.. (all the signs were pointing to that) She said no I don't, I'm not seeing anyone else (didn't ask by the way), it's not going to be like this all the time just right now it's a lot for me... Should I just go cold turkey and no contact for a while?? You did offer to help her but you added a negative element to it by saying anything about ending it. That's almost passive-aggressive. You should leave it alone for a bit and let her come to you.
evanescentworld Posted December 12, 2014 Posted December 12, 2014 Swap places with her for a week. Then complain. Jeesh, you have absolutely no idea how time-consuming just having kids, is! Try combining it with everything else she does, and frankly, you should consider yourself lucky you even get a look-in. I honestly, no barb intended, would cut her loose, because frankly, you're just one more headache she has to deal with. She has enough components to her life without having to appease your ego as well. I'm sorry, but frankly, in my eyes, you're being a bit over-demanding here. Great. A massage. Just what she needs!
Redhead14 Posted December 12, 2014 Posted December 12, 2014 I'VE TRIED!!! I told here if there's anything you need just tell me!! I'll take care of it!! I have the money (she has none), the time, know how, etc...to get things done for her to relieve the stress. Whenever she comes over she gets full massages from me no matter what because I know she needs it. If she's hungry I take care of it no problem because I know she doesn't have a lot of money. When she does have time, I move my meetings around so I am available. I make it easy for her when she says she's free. Please, for your own good and hers, try to remove the frustration you have with this situation. That comes across in ways you may not realize. Not only that, you've offered. You do it once, maybe twice, and then you let her take it from there. She may be feeling inadequate in some ways and wanting to get some control for herself and not really wanting to take the help. You cannot force it on her. She's maintaining her independence. Me, personally, when I have something I need to deal with, I don't want someone pushing me to take help. I want to figure it out for myself. She's telling you she wants to focus on her stuff and needs space. Give it to her. You live your life in the meantime. If you are making her life, such a huge part of yours, it is pressure.
Allumere Posted December 12, 2014 Posted December 12, 2014 You did offer to help her but you added a negative element to it by saying anything about ending it. That's almost passive-aggressive. You should leave it alone for a bit and let her come to you. Although I do understand the...I'll call it impatience on your part (i.e., new relationship...you are excited...want to spend time together etc.) this comes down to putting what you need first and tying conditions to your love and IMHO that isn't really what it's all about. Unless there is a reason to doubt her, go with the information she has provided. Her plate is full...she therefore has to compartmentalize to function/get through each obstacle. So rather than text because you need the validation/require something back, why not text because you want to give her something to smile about and be happy with that? You need to stop judging her based on the fact that she doesn't do the things the way you want. Look trust me, we are all guilty of this as we all have "things" that we deem important...but those things are always about us and not the other person If you truly care than just love her for now and see how things go when some of her craziness settles. In the end there may be incompatibilities but you need to be able to bend a lil now to see if that is really the case.
Author 3rdone Posted December 12, 2014 Author Posted December 12, 2014 Swap places with her for a week. Then complain. Jeesh, you have absolutely no idea how time-consuming just having kids, is! Try combining it with everything else she does, and frankly, you should consider yourself lucky you even get a look-in. I honestly, no barb intended, would cut her loose, because frankly, you're just one more headache she has to deal with. She has enough components to her life without having to appease your ego as well. I'm sorry, but frankly, in my eyes, you're being a bit over-demanding here. Great. A massage. Just what she needs! first of all chill out...where is all the vitriol coming from? Are you even reading what I'm saying?? I'm not begging her to come over...never have. I'm not demanding her to come over...never have. She has a child...yes. This is not my first rodeo. She has no job, she is not in school, she lives at home with her parents for crying out loud. I haven't said a word or judged her AT ALL! As for the "massage" she ASK for it because...IT'S WHAT SHE NEEDS! appease my ego?? Where is that even coming from?? Who are you mad at?? I'm a headache because I care about her?? What jacked up world are you living in??? this whole thread was a question, not an affirmation of rights...get over your "i got this guy figured out" complex...my Lord. 1
evanescentworld Posted December 12, 2014 Posted December 12, 2014 first of all chill out...where is all the vitriol coming from? Are you even reading what I'm saying?? I'm not begging her to come over...never have. I'm not demanding her to come over...never have. She has a child...yes. This is not my first rodeo. She has no job, she is not in school, she lives at home with her parents for crying out loud. I haven't said a word or judged her AT ALL! As for the "massage" she ASK for it because...IT'S WHAT SHE NEEDS! appease my ego?? Where is that even coming from?? Who are you mad at?? I'm a headache because I care about her?? What jacked up world are you living in??? this whole thread was a question, not an affirmation of rights...get over your "i got this guy figured out" complex...my Lord. Hey, you started the thread with the complaint that you don't seem to be getting enough attention, not I! Your question is frankly about the fact that you feel you're getting shoe-horned in and inadequately. I'm just telling you - walk a mile in her shoes than see whether your question is justified. Heat? Kitchen?
Author 3rdone Posted December 12, 2014 Author Posted December 12, 2014 I'm going to give her the space she needs, no texting or calling. I'll relax with friends and see what happens. I never really ask her to come over so that's not going to be a problem...I understand what you guys are saying. 1
Author 3rdone Posted December 12, 2014 Author Posted December 12, 2014 Hey, you started the thread with the complaint that you don't seem to be getting enough attention, not I! Your question is frankly about the fact that you feel you're getting shoe-horned in and inadequately. I'm just telling you - walk a mile in her shoes than see whether your question is justified. Heat? Kitchen? Never said not getting enough attention...what I said was she was being distant, big difference. Never said being shoe-horned in...what I said was our communication has gone south (very little)...boy people do really see and read what they want to hear. It's a mixed signal...and this has nothing to do with being a parent. I get that part. It seems like you concentrated on one paragraph. The summation of the post was (is), the mixed signals are driving me crazy what should I do? I can go thru not seeing someone for a while, but no communication at all is a different story. That was the just of the post...
evanescentworld Posted December 12, 2014 Posted December 12, 2014 In that case, my first post stands, and it looks as if that's exactly more-or-less what you intend doing, so, bang on....
OMC Posted December 12, 2014 Posted December 12, 2014 Vitriol seems to be all some posters have. Mad at the world.
Author 3rdone Posted December 12, 2014 Author Posted December 12, 2014 In that case, my first post stands, and it looks as if that's exactly more-or-less what you intend doing, so, bang on.... what??? you do realize my OP was paraphrasing?? What is wrong with you? what do I intend on doing?? I haven't done anything...You're acting as if I'm screaming from the rooftops "WHY WON'T SHE SPEND TIME WITH ME? I DESERVE IT!!" I'm simply saying our relationship has gotten chilly THAT'S ALL! what should I do? What do you guys think etc..? Not at all ANYTHING like you're implying..AT ALL...GEEZ
bachdude Posted December 12, 2014 Posted December 12, 2014 I asked that all in person when we had a talk. Asked what does she need, do you want to end it, want me to back off, etc.. (all the signs were pointing to that) She said no I don't, I'm not seeing anyone else (didn't ask by the way), it's not going to be like this all the time just right now it's a lot for me... Should I just go cold turkey and no contact for a while?? Oh, I wouldn't no contact! Just be respectful of her space right now. Text or contact to see how she is doing. Offer to help. Things like that. I feel for you, though!
Author 3rdone Posted December 12, 2014 Author Posted December 12, 2014 what??? you do realize my OP was paraphrasing?? What is wrong with you? what do I intend on doing?? I haven't done anything...You're acting as if I'm screaming from the rooftops "WHY WON'T SHE SPEND TIME WITH ME? I DESERVE IT!!" I'm simply saying our relationship has gotten chilly THAT'S ALL! what should I do? What do you guys think etc..? Not at all ANYTHING like you're implying..AT ALL...GEEZ I simply posted: 1. we had a talk 2. she said one thing but actions are doing another 3. communication has literally ceased for the most part 4. what should I do ie.) Am I over-thinking it? ...and out of that you got I'm an overbearing control freak that's a spoiled brat that's mad he's not getting his way with a poor struggling single mom at her wits end, that has no idea what it's like to raise a child??
evanescentworld Posted December 12, 2014 Posted December 12, 2014 At no point did I use Upper Case to emphasise anything. If that's how you want to take it, feel free. Good luck with everything.
Author 3rdone Posted December 12, 2014 Author Posted December 12, 2014 Oh, I wouldn't no contact! Just be respectful of her space right now. Text or contact to see how she is doing. Offer to help. Things like that. I feel for you, though! that's the thing...I did text to wish her well and that I hope she wasn't getting sick...yesterday at around 5....radio silence since then. I don't need an explanation, but "thanks" takes literally 2 seconds to type and press send hahaha...that's all I'm saying and go about your day...see ya when I see ya so to speak. She's usually very respectful and kind. That's the part that's bothering me...should've cleared that up earlier
bachdude Posted December 12, 2014 Posted December 12, 2014 I simply posted: 1. we had a talk 2. she said one thing but actions are doing another 3. communication has literally ceased for the most part 4. what should I do ie.) Am I over-thinking it? ...and out of that you got I'm an overbearing control freak that's a spoiled brat that's mad he's not getting his way with a poor struggling single mom at her wits end, that has no idea what it's like to raise a child?? Sounds like you are handling great, then. I guess I would just give her space. If you feel she is really pulling back, then maybe it is a good idea to not contact her but let her contact you first. Use your intuition on that.
Author 3rdone Posted December 12, 2014 Author Posted December 12, 2014 Sounds like you are handling great, then. I guess I would just give her space. If you feel she is really pulling back, then maybe it is a good idea to not contact her but let her contact you first. Use your intuition on that. I think you're right. At this point I feel if I were to keep contacting her it very well be overbearing and needy. But lets be honest, we're both fully aware of the other not talking, texting etc...So that's whats confusing. We were perfectly fine last Saturday!! Nothing has changed!! The only thing I can think of is she texted me Saturday to see what I was doing and I had plans with the "crew"... (friends, guys and girls whom she has met. we all went on a wine tour right before thanksgiving)... to go to an event. She seemed a little peeved she wasn't invited, but I hadn't heard from her other than one or two text in like 3 days. I wasn't going to sit around and do nothing. She came over that morning before I had to go and tried to get me to have sex (kissing heavily and such) and I told her I couldn't that I was meeting everyone in 15 min. asked if I could see here later that night. That couldn't be what changed everything overnight though...right? It has been like "this" since then however
bachdude Posted December 12, 2014 Posted December 12, 2014 that's the thing...I did text to wish her well and that I hope she wasn't getting sick...yesterday at around 5....radio silence since then. I don't need an explanation, but "thanks" takes literally 2 seconds to type and press send hahaha...that's all I'm saying and go about your day...see ya when I see ya so to speak. She's usually very respectful and kind. That's the part that's bothering me...should've cleared that up earlier I think you have no choice at this point but to let her have her space. Just let her be the one to contact you. BTW, is she an introverted personality type? I've been in relationships with introverts and they often need time alone to recharge. Introverts get drained when they do not have enough time to themselves and they will need to retreat for a while. And it sounds like she hasn't had enough alone time. She may have nothing left to offer you right now and she needs to keep some energy for her kids. Just a thought.
bachdude Posted December 12, 2014 Posted December 12, 2014 I think you're right. At this point I feel if I were to keep contacting her it very well be overbearing and needy. But lets be honest, we're both fully aware of the other not talking, texting etc...So that's whats confusing. We were perfectly fine last Saturday!! Nothing has changed!! The only thing I can think of is she texted me Saturday to see what I was doing and I had plans with the "crew"... (friends, guys and girls whom she has met. we all went on a wine tour right before thanksgiving)... to go to an event. She seemed a little peeved she wasn't invited, but I hadn't heard from her other than one or two text in like 3 days. I wasn't going to sit around and do nothing. She came over that morning before I had to go and tried to get me to have sex (kissing heavily and such) and I told her I couldn't that I was meeting everyone in 15 min. asked if I could see here later that night. That couldn't be what changed everything overnight though...right? It has been like "this" since then however Ah ha....This is an import piece of the puzzle. The way I like to operate in relationships is to have really open communication. How is your communication with each other? It just seems like a lot of guessing going on here. I mean, she came over to your place and wanted to have sex! And she was peeved you didn't invite her! It seems to me there are some differing expectations going on here. On the surface it looks like she wants to be able to come and go as she wishes but you are supposed to be available whenever she decides to show up. But I really hate to make judgements like that and make assumptions. If it were me, and this is just me, I would just say, "Look, I think we are having some differing expectations here and I think we should just talk about it. Let's meet over coffee and have a good talk." I would meet with her and just talk about it. I can't can't stand guessing what is in another person's mind, especially someone with whom I am in a relationship with. Because right now I see big potential for misunderstanding. As I've gotten older I really value in a relationship honesty, and open communication. I look for this in somebody. Even if a person wants space there is no reason that it can't be very out in the open what each person is thinking. Because right now you two have no communication at all about what is happening. You think she wants space, she comes over for sex. She seems peeved for not being invited and you are on a forum because you are confused out of your mind. Talk to each other! And if she isn't interested evaluate what type of person you want to be with.
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