Is it me or was it really her for the last 4 years. I am devastated.

[Parisian]

Hi everyone. Please bear with me as I try to pour out my misery of 4 years.

 

I am an asian living in Paris for the last 4 years. I came here for my studies and am working in a big consulting firm. I met my (ex) gf who is French of arabic origin the second month I arrived in France and we clicked immediately. She grew up admiring the culture of the country where I came from and I fell for her beauty and innocence. The first few months were great, but eventually she started pushing me away, 4 months into the relationship. She started saying that she wasnt sure if we can understand each other's cultures and if our parents will agree. At the same time she never wanted me to leave her. She have had pretty bad relationships before and she was always worried that I will leave her one day. I of course felt bad for her and naturally would pull her more and more as she would push me away. Over the next 4 years, things got so worst that she would push me for every small reason she had, when I would be late to meet her saying that I didnt love her or if she would have issues with her parents.

 

Each time we would fight, she would expect me to pull her which of course I did. I never had a doubt as to how much she loved me. She would always care for me, but would always think about herself before anyone else. She never had any friends except one or two with whom she used to meet not so often. She didnt have a social circle nor was she ever interested to meet people except those whom she already knew. The strangest part is that I met only her brother in all these years and no one else. We never had any firends in common as we were people from two differet parts of the world. Whe we met for the first time, I didnt know French and she couldnt talk in English. Her parents knew that we were together for 4 years. Her mother was neutral to our relationship while her father was against it (at least thats what she told me).

 

Right from the starting she was always looking for the 'fairy tale' relationship where she is eternally happy without any problems or issues. So if ever there were problems between us, she would end up blaming me. At times i linked her personality to Generalized Anxiety Disorder because she was extremely sensitive and at one moment could be deeply in love while at another she will be angry and flip out. I tried my best to be there for her and make her comfortable.

 

I cant list out all the sacrifices I did for her for the last 4 years but this is what happened in August of this year. We had a big fight and she pushed me as usual. Only this time just like a few other times I never pulled her and went NC for 15 days. She some how tried to get in touch with me and convinced me to stay. Come end of september and she was going to Italy for a conference (she is a PhD student and this was her first travel out of France for a conference). I asked her for all details and booked myself tickets to surprise her in Italy. I was there to surprise her at the airport and she was elated by the surprise. I was there only to surprise her and leave the next day evening. We arrive at the hotel and she checks in while I wait in the lounge. She asks me to set the connection setting for WiFi on her iphone and on connecting I see tons of love messages from someone whose name she had stored as "mon amour" or "my love" in French. She comes back from her room to the longue and starts getting close with me. What was boggling me was how can this woman try to kiss me while be emotionally involved with another guy over sms. On confrontation, she starts pleading that it was someone back in her native country her parents wanted her to marry and all the BS that she wasnt in love with him, it was only a long distance fling and that her parents were forcing her and all the stupid stuff girls say when caught red handed. I took the next flight out of Italy and came back devastated to France.

 

She tries contacting me for next one week. She pleads, cries does whatever she can to make me take her back. And I like an idiot and just like always, forgives her and takes her back. Only this time that I could never forget the pain that she had caused me. Things go on good like always. She loves me more and more each day and I try my best to forget the pain but I couldnt. Once when dropping her home and at the metro station, she waves at a guy on the other side of the platform. On forcing her to speak up she says it was guy who asked her number and she had given to him and it was "normal". She couldnt even refuse giving him the number saying she was in a relationship. When confronting and making an issue she started saying that I will never be able to trust her again because she cheated on me earlier and that everything she does, I will be always suspecting her (which was true to a certain extent because I had caught her cheating redhanded on the phone in Italy). I calm myself down.

 

Come last week, she says she was spending some time alone in a cafeteria next to the station from where she takes the train back home. Although it is normal for people to spend time alone but for all these 4 years she never did this. Either she was with me or with her family. I was a little skeptical but I thought I was overreacting and calmed myself down. She took my insecurity of her being "alone" as though I was giving orders to her not to be alone without me or her family. The same evening she says I am crazy, says I should rather go live in Afghanistan where women accept orders, blocks me EVERYWHERE. On her phone, viber, whatsApp. She has done this many times before whenever she was upset. And always I would end up contacting her from a different number (I know I was stupid, but this was my first love ever in my life and I agree that I did compromise on my self-respect somewhere). This time I never attemted to reach her for a week. She comes back after a week to say it will never work out and she doesnt want to try and that I should be with someone who is ready to listen to my orders (although I never ordered her about anything and she was just being unreasonable). She said she will miss me dearly and that we should move on. I wasnt close to my phone, she tried sending me these messages for 3 hours for a response after having been MIA for a week. 3 hours later when I try to reply, she is once again gone. BLOCKED.. I know she will come back soon. Maybe she is waiting for me to give in just like always. But I will never be there this time when she comes back. She has lost me for life.

 

I had given this girl a lot. I proposed her on top of the Eiffel tower 3 years back (again a surprise) and was trying all I could to win her parents approval. I tried to make her the happiest she can ever be and all I got back was being cheated upon and breaking up for the most silliest reasons. I have deleted her number, thrown out all what could remind me of her. I am deeply hurted that after 4 years of so many sacrifices, she just didnt respect what she had just lost. But she will realize it soon.

 

I was never able to understand what or who she was. Did she really have a GAD or BPD. Why she loved me so much at times and then flip out on me for no valid reason. Why push me away only to pull me back or expecting me to pull her back? Is she still immature? She doesnt seem to understand the concept of talking about problems. She would rather prefer to switch off her phone. Why the cheating when she could have been so direct about what she wanted. Is she confused?? She pulled me back while she was still cheating on me with this other guy. I consider it cheating even if it was a distance relationship.

 

I have given up and am happy that I will live the rest of my life with the satisfaction that I tried never to hurt intentionally the one I loved in any way. I always kept her wishes before mine, in whatever I thought. But that this was at the cost of a compromise on my self-respect and the hurt of being cheated upon. I had enough of this girl now. She showed me what love was and then she cut me with a knife. I am preparing myself to go NC for life and never reply to any of her attempts to get back in touch.

Edited December 12, 2014 by Parisian

[Chi townD]

I almost stopped reading when you wrote that she's French of Arabic origin. I have to ask, is she Muslim?

[lauri]

I almost stopped reading when you wrote that she's French of Arabic origin. I have to ask, is she Muslim?

 

Reminds me of my ex girlfriend...this is just the way their culture is with marriage. You ex sounds was planning to get married off to a guy back in the Middle East (most likely) and keeping you around for fun. Chances are, if she is Muslim, her family wouldn't accept you unless you converted.

Edited December 12, 2014 by lauri

[Parisian]

I almost stopped reading when you wrote that she's French of Arabic origin. I have to ask, is she Muslim?

 

Chi TownD, She is a Muslim and so am I. I believe that fundamentally shoudnt have been a problem, but it turns out that the origin is. As I believe, her father wasnt ok with her marrying me as I wasnt of the same origin. She is Algerian..

[Parisian]

Reminds me of my ex girlfriend...this is just the way their culture is with marriage. You ex sounds was planning to get married off to a guy back in the Middle East (most likely) and keeping you around for fun. Chances are, if she is Muslim, her family wouldn't accept you unless you converted.

 

lauri, I am a muslim, this wasnt the crux of our problem. Having known her for 4 years, there were times when she was very possessive of me. And having known her emotional side, I doubt if ever she had this idea of marrying a guy back home. She mentioned many times that she never liked their attitude.

She have had 3 breakups in the past all of which never ended well. Two of her ex's were from back home.

Edited December 12, 2014 by Parisian