Things I've learnt 3 months after breakup: Do's and Don'ts

[JackJackxD]

It has been nearly 3 months since my breakup, and I want to share with everyone here on what I've learnt based on my own personal experience. Hopefully those of you that just recently broke up would learn something from this and don't make the same mistakes I have.

 

Here is the background story. I was in a 2.5 years relationship with my Ex-GF, we dated from college, and then together we went to the same University. She was my first love, but unfortunately we broke up this September. The reason we broke up was that I kept repeating the same mistakes of being too close with my female friends that she just decided she has had enough. In the next few months, not only have I not moved on, I felt like I've wasted the time chasing someone who doesn't want me. Now that I've finally gathered the courage to move on, I want to share with you the Do's and Don'ts.

 

Things you shouldn't do after a break up

I want to start with the Don'ts first, because these things will set you back from your healing a lot, well at least it did for me.

 

Staying Friends with your Ex

When we broke up my Ex said that she wanted to be friends, and I immediately agreed to that because after all I do not want to lose her in my life. This is one of the worst things that you can do. You just broke up with your Ex, there is no way that you can be friends with someone that you still have feelings for. I had a really hard time staying friends with her and pretending in front of our mutual friends that everything is fine. When your Ex says they want to be friends, they really don't mean it. My Ex did not initiate contact with me at all during the "friends" phase, although she will reply when I talked to her. It is clear that she isn't too bothered about having me as a friend or not. Staying friends with your Ex also brings you a lot of psychological damage. Whenever I saw my Ex staring at her phone laughing, or having fun with another guy, my emotions immediately kick in. I feel jealous, betrayed and angry. There is nothing I could do because I was just a "friend". It just isn't a healthy mentality state to be in, and I had to go through that for 3 whole months. Ask yourselves, can you still remain friends with your Ex if you find out that they are dating someone else, and in the worst case they are dating a mutual friend that you will see quite often? I found out recently that my Ex is interested in another guy who is in our group of mutual friends. I was devastated, because I know it would be difficult seeing them together. That is why, you should always try to move on as quickly as possible before your Ex starts dating someone else. Your Ex will not stay single forever, and it is bound to happen that she finds someone else.

 

Keep checking their social media

I know we all get curious on how our Ex's are doing, and that is why a lot of us are reluctant to unfollow/unfriend our Ex. This is not good, because you cannot simply quit something for good if you go back for a quick fix every now and then. Social medias really set you back from healing, and if anything causes you more pain. Whenever I stalked my Ex's profile, I could see all the happy photos she has added, and how she is having fun with life. That hurts me a lot seeing that she has moved on, but I just couldn't stop clicking on her profile from time to time. If you are trying to move on, you don't need to see how happy your Ex has become, it will only make you feel upset. Stalking my Ex's profile, I also saw a lot of things that I didn't want to see. The worst thing I saw, was a conversation between my Ex and her friend which clearly indicates that my Ex has a crush on one of our mutual friends. This is something I'd rather not know. I kept touching the frying pan, and finally got my fingers burnt. I got extremely jealous to the point where I felt like I need to get her back immediately before someone else takes her. The main point is, what you cannot see cannot hurt you. So please, unfriend and unfollow your Ex's social media.

 

Begging

They have decided to walk out on you for good, there is nothing that you say/do will change their mind in the foreseeable future. I've recently messaged my Ex asking for a second chance, and she replied with an incredibly harsh essay telling me that she regretted dating me and will never reconsider me again. She also confirmed that keep repeating the same thing will only push her away further because I clearly didn't get the point and didn't move on. If you are planning to get your Ex back, don't do it. Nothing you say or do will change their mind, only they can. The best thing you can do if you really want that person back is to just let them make the move to contact you, or of course, you can just find someone new!

 

Over-thinking/False hope

Do not ever Over-think on your Ex's actions. I've been through this myself and I can honestly tell you that it only makes life difficult. I kept over-analyzing my Ex's words and actions, and everything she does/say I felt like there is an ulterior motive. For a period of time I kept analyzing my Ex's behaviour towards me, and felt that she was acting hostile towards me, sometimes hot & cold. This prevented me from functioning normally at life because I would spend the whole day thinking about the possible reasons on why she would be like that. The truth is, we would never find out why our Ex's act the way they do, only they themselves no. So just save yourself the trouble and stop thinking. I also found that over-thinking links to having false hope. If you want your Ex back badly, then most of the possible conclusion you reach will all point towards the direction that your Ex still has feelings for you and want you back. That is definitely not the case, because if they want you back they would've contacted you by then. Giving yourself false hope just sets your back from moving on, and you end up wasting time on someone that gave up on you.

 

Searching for "How to get your Ex-GF/BF back" guides

I am sure most of us here have done this after a break up! I myself have looked at pretty much every one of them on the first 10 pages of Google. I feel like those are designed to give you false hope, because at the end of the day, they want to make money off you. They will most likely give you a huge wall of text, and then tells you that if you want to know more, please subscribe to this email or buy this book. Their guides are written to fit pretty much every single category of break-ups, and every single thing your Ex does is pretty much a sign that they "miss" you or want you back. I despise these guides because I feel like they are somewhat exploiting heart-broken people's vulnerability to make money off them. There are the money making guides, and then there are the stupidly written ones. I remember reading one of the guides which wrote "If your Ex posts on social media that they miss their Ex, then its a sign that they probably miss you". Really? They PROBABLY miss you? Wow, how did you manage to figure that out?

 

Feeling guilty for what you've done

I've blamed myself for a long time for the break up. However, unless you've cheated on or abused your Ex, it isn't entirely your fault. Just because you were not good enough for your Ex, it doesn't mean your Ex is good enough for you too. For me, my Ex blamed me for making her insecure. I kept blaming myself for that and just felt like such a bad person. However, now I've finally let go to that thought. Yes, although I've probably contributed to it, it wasn't entirely my fault as she did not have a lot of self confidence when I met her to begin with. It takes two to tango, so never blame yourself for the break-up since both parties contributed to it. The only thing you can do now, if you wish to make up for your own fault, is to improve yourself, and promise yourself that you will not make the same mistakes again.

 

Things you should do after a break up

 

Look at how you can improve yourself

This is how to get something out of your break up, otherwise the break up would've been pointless. If your Ex mentioned anything that you've done wrong when they broke up with you, then note it down. Think of realistic ways of which you can fix those errors. However, don't improve yourself with the mentality that you are doing it for them and they will get back to you after everything is fixed. Do it for yourself. Improving yourself can only increase your future chances with any other girl that you meet out there (and that is including your Ex).

 

Take up new activities and learn new habits

When you've just recently broken up, you would notice that your Ex has left you with many gaps in your life. Remember how you would always go out for dinner on Friday night? How they would go out to the cinema with you whenever a new films is released? Now you find yourself alone at home without her, and you cannot do anything else apart from looking back at these old times and feeling nostalgic. This isn't something you want since it would just make you miss her more and more. You have to fill these gaps with extra activities so that you keep yourself busy enough not to think of her so often. It doesn't have to be things that you like, but it must be things that requires your mental concentration. I myself started playing the guitar, focusing on university work more, started writing blogs. This helped me to keep my mind off my Ex. It is extremely rewarding when you see yourself making progress in life. For me, I've just recently gotten the highest grade I've ever gotten in University so far. I really spent time doing that piece of coursework, and it just feels so good when you realise that you can achieve such things without your Ex. Taking up new activities also opens up yourself to more opportunities. You will get to meet new people, or simply create a stronger bond with others in your life since you now share the same activities.

 

Reward yourself

Sometimes you just need to reward yourself to feel better. Treating yourself from time to time is harmless as long as you do it with self control. For me, I've spent a lot of money on shopping and buying myself food that I like. Somehow, spending this sum of money did make me feel happier. I guess, during the dark times after the break up, you need to cheer yourself up right? Self control for this is important however, don't over do it, because it may cause more harm than good. I've spent 1000 pounds in the first month of my break-up. As a university student I simply cannot afford living a lifestyle like that. That is why for now I'm trying to live on a budget to make up for the extra expenses I had.

 

Ask for a second chance

Wait, wasn't this in the Don't section too? I've added this in the Do's section for those that really cannot move on and keep giving themselves false hope. Do not do this straight after a break up, maybe 1-2 months down the line if you still cannot move on. I asked my Ex for a second chance knowing that she would probably reject me, but I wanted to hear it from her herself. Of course, she sent me a long harsh message telling me that she is happy the way she is now and she does not want to open her heart to me again. It did hurt a lot reading the message, but I feel peaceful at last knowing that I don't need to keep up with my false hope. I'd rather it hurt now, than to have things drag out pointlessly and endlessly. I have to say, her rejection really does help me move on. It has given me the courage to initiate no contact with her, and I do not have to think about how she fancies someone else because it has nothing to do with me anymore. Just take note, if you are going to do this, you are doing it at the expense of your pride. But after all if pride is all it takes to move on, then so be it!

 

No Contact

No contact is the best thing to do after a break up. You do not include unnecessary things in your life which may bring about unnecessary emotions. What you cannot hear/see/listen to cannot hurt you. Even now, I am sure that I would be upset if I see her with someone else. That is why I took up no contact, if I don't know, then I won't get upset right? Time is the best medicine, and eventually you will be able to heal properly. Just stick to no contact until you are sure that you have no more feelings for your Ex.

 

Finally if you are reading this, I wish you the best and good luck in moving on. Things will only get better.

Edited December 12, 2014 by JackJackxD

[Chatmonkey]

Extremely good read. Thank you very much this will benefit many people and it seems you are quick to learn

[CurlyTraveller]

Great stuff mate. Thanks for sharing.

 

I especially liked the part about not blaming yourself for your ex's insecurities. In the months leading up to my own break up I was going through a rough patch. Lots of anxiety, some depression etc. Well one of the reasons my ex cited for the breakup wasb that seeing me like that was making HER feel guilty and upset.

 

At first I blamed myself for not being able to "get it together", but then I realised she had a choice in how she dealt with things too. She was trying to make others responsible for herhapiness, which I think most of us know, is something you can only do yourself.

Edited December 13, 2014 by CurlyTraveller