Over a year has passed - back at the anger stage

[Kevin_D]

It's been 13 months since my girlfriend of 6 years dumped me out of the blue. I went NC shortly afterwards to protect myself. However, my friends and family members were furious, so I always assumed that she had done something nasty that I was the only not knowing about.

 

I talked to her father yesterday

Anyway, I decided to keep her father on Facebook, even though I know it's usually a bad idea. I had given me so much and wanted us to stay together so badly, so it just felt wrong to remove him. I just made sure that I never visited his profile. This was never a problem... until yesterday.

 

Her father started chatting with me, telling me how about how he was helping my ex move. I immediately told him that after how she treated me, I have no interest in hearing about her life. He was a big question mark and asked me what I meant.

 

That's when I snapped. For the first time. But I couldn't hold it anymore. I told him that she lied, betrayed, manipulated, backstabbed, not only me, but my family and friends as well. And that she cheated on me. Of course, he protected her and said "She has never cheated on you, don't make up lies!". And then he immediately blocked me.

 

At first I felt really bad

When I realised that the had unfriended me, I felt really bad. I'm trying to move on. I've got a new girlfriend who is really supportive. Why did I accuse her of all these things? Even though I've been drinking heavily and been a mess for the last year, I've never said anything nasty about her.

 

But after a while, I got really angry. She dumped me over the phone, called me the biggest mistake of her life, hung-up and instantly removed me from all social media. And as a nice finishing touch, she added a song called "Au Revoir" to our mutual Spotify playlist.

 

And now I realise that the same thing happened now. Instead of asking me why I believed that she was cheating, he did a hit and run: "Don't tell me lies!" and blocked me without giving me the chance to answer. Which probably was for the best.

 

Yes, it was stupid of me to keep him a friend on Facebook. Yes, it was stupid of me to accuse her of these things after 13 months. But I'm getting really, really angry now. What kind of people are they? Are they in complete denial? I know I was, until recently.

 

Here's what really happened

 

1. A new guy showed up from out of nowhere on her Facebook - I would say about a year before the breakup. They wrote to each other all the time as if they were really close friends, however, she had never told me about him before. When I asked her, she just said that he was friend of friend during junior high and that he for some reason always showed up in her news feed.

 

2. One day I discovered that her relationship status on Facebook was hidden. I asked her about this, and she said that it must have been a bug. She hadn't changed anything and even showed me how it appeared on her computer. I assumed that she had set it to "private" by mistake and believed her.

 

3. After the summer of 2013, I became increasingly annoyed with the mystery dude. I asked her again what the deal with him was, and to my surprise she asked me if I had talked to him. I wondered why on earth I would talk to her old classmate. Her response was: "Because he hasn't written to me in a while". Then she made fun of me for being jealous and said "Have you looked yourself in the mirror? How can you be jealous of THAT guy?".

 

4. After that, things really seemed great between us. We talked a lot about the future, she always wanted to hang out, bought me little gifts and wanted to get to know my friends better. Even though she knew that I was at a concert, she would call me 7 times because "she was so worried that anything would happen to me".

 

5. Then one day the dude started to comment on everything on her Facebook. Suddenly she had a "dinner" planned with "her friends" on a friday night. When I saw her on saturday, she was a completely different person and could barely look me in the face. And a few days later she dumped me over the phone. When I asked her if there was somebody else, she just laughed and asked me how I could be so stupid. She promised me that she hadn't even seen him for several years, but yet she had clicked "attending" on several of his concerts.

 

6. However, within days after the breakup, it became quite obvious that they were together. She even became friend with his mother! And within a month, she told the world how madly in love she was.

 

I was gaslighted?

She showered me with love until the end. She told me everyday how much she loved me. She told his father how much she loved. Heck, she told everyone how much she loved me. Every day, every week, every month.

 

But at the same time. Everytime she asked me for advice, she did the opposite. She would frequently treat me as a child on social gatherings and "translate" things I said; "What Kevin_D REALLY means is that...". She flirted with the other dude, she hid her relationship status, she lied about seeing him. But she would get really angry if I brought this up and tell me how much it hurt her that I didn't trust her. She would then often say "I love you so much, I won't write to him if it annoys you", just to comment on his pictures 10 minutes later.

 

I was so confused. I felt like the jealous boyfriend, but on the other hand, things really didn't add up. But again, she was so nice to me and always wanted to be with me, until she flipped the switch and decided that I was her enemy.

 

Should I feel ashamed?

I know this may sound like a rhetorical question, but I'm being completely serious here. Should I feel ashamed that I called her behavior cheating? I've been in denial for so long, so it felt kind of good to finally say what I've been thinking so long. But at the same time, I feel like a bad person and start to wonder if I'm crazy.

 

Please don't say "It doesn't matter, relationship is over, move on". I know it's over. But to me, this is kind of a philosophical question. What should I do if I sense the same things with my new girlfriend? When they burst into tears and cry "I would never betray you! I've always been so loyal and faithful, and this is how you treat me!". I always feel bad in these situations and apologize, because I can't understand how someone could react this way if they actually were guilty.

 

Long read, I know. I just needed to vent.

[FortunateSon]

I don't think you have anything to be ashamed of, if anything you should be relieved she is out of your life. Even if she wasn't cheating on you physically, which it sounds like she was, she was definitely emationally cheating on you. As far as her father goes, he likely never got any kind of real story about what went on, only her edited(and likely victim) story that SHE told him. Of course he would believe her and come to her defense, after all it's his daughter. I dealt with something similar, your best bet is to cut her and her family completely out of your life and move on with strict no contact.

[erklat]

Hey dude, I remember you as we both have been going through the same

at the same time last year. Nice to hear it goes okay for you most of the

time!

 

Yeah, she has definitely been cheating on you. You should have cut out

her social circle...

 

Do you feel emotionally available towards the new lady ?

[Satu]

You don't need to feel ashamed, but you should stick to strict no contact, including through third parties.

[Kevin_D]

Thank you. Yeah, I know that I it was a mistake to keep her father on social media. I was about to remove him, but I felt terrible. He had been so nice to me. So in a way, I'm relieved that he made the decision. However, this hit and run pattern is something that hurts me badly, because I feel so powerless. I can never tell my side of the story, because they refuse to listen if it doesn't matches their reality.

 

I guess I shouldn't be surprised. It's their way of coping. Both her father's parents commited suicide. Her bipolar mother commited suicide. Her uncle died from aloholism. Her sister moved out when she was 16 years old to be with a 45 year old dude. And she has zero impulse control. If she wants something, she has to have it NOW. Not in a week, not in a day, not in an hour. NOW. And ironically, one of the first things she said to me (7 years ago) was: "It's funny, but I can change my mind really fast and never look back... Well... not in relationships of course".

 

Unfortunately, I still feel kind of emotionally unavailable. It's really strange, because I love my new girlfriend. I love her sense of humor, I love her kindness and our sex life is ridiculous. But I'm having problems with seeing a future, not just for our relationship, but for myself. I had huge plans for christmas, but then I realised that that was what hurt the most. I invested so much in my old relationship to make my ex feel special. And in the end, it backfired. She felt so special that she decided that I wasn't good enough for her.

 

But I'm trying hard to become more positive. Some things really are better. Like I said, the sex is fantastic. My new girlfriend is very protective, but not jealous. We can even discuss other cute girls and joke about involving them, which is refreshing since my ex was the kind of girl who could ruin a romantic dinner just because I said Sharon Tate was beautiful.

 

I also know that she treated her ex very well after the breakup. He actually got us hockey tickets the other day and told her how happy he was that she treated him with so much respect after the breakup. And she said they had been discussing their problems for over a year before she made her decision. That's a good sign.

 

My life is still a mess though. I'm drinking heavily. I'm unemployed. I either sleep for 4 hours or 14 hours. I've always been an overachiever, so this is very frustrating. But my girlfriend is really supportive. She adores my musical talents, she brags about how I am an engineer and she lets me know that her friends think I'm really good-looking. This is new to me. I've never gotten this kind of admiration before.

[Poppyolive]

I'm sorry you're hurting. Being at the anger stage may not be a bad thing, it maybe exactly what you need to kick this old relationship/issues/hurt/pains etc to the curb. It sounds to me you are in a rut. Your drinking should be your biggest concern, that definitely must hold a black cloud over your head, your visions, dreams, present & future. Do yourself a big favour and seek help with that, work on getting your zest back. Forgive, let go, care for you. It sounds like you have an amazing woman. Get yourself some guidance to get out of this zest for life numbing hole.

 

This is exciting time for you, to grab life by the balls and get back in your court.

[Zahara]

My life is still a mess though. I'm drinking heavily. I'm unemployed. I either sleep for 4 hours or 14 hours. I've always been an overachiever, so this is very frustrating. But my girlfriend is really supportive. She adores my musical talents, she brags about how I am an engineer and she lets me know that her friends think I'm really good-looking. This is new to me. I've never gotten this kind of admiration before.

 

Sounds like you have an incredible woman in your hands. Granted she may be very accepting and forgiving but it would be a good time for you to start focusing on getting your life together. We may give and give and be supportive to a man's struggles but it does get old at some point and by then it'll be too late. While she may have an abundance of understanding and empathy, don't take that for granted. Trust when I say drinking heavily and being unemployed can soon enough kill a relationship. The fog doesn't last forever.

 

You lost one relationship for whatever reason. Now you have a gift in your hands. Appreciate it and start to take steps to nurture it.

[Kevin_D]

Sounds like you have an incredible woman in your hands. Granted she may be very accepting and forgiving but it would be a good time for you to start focusing on getting your life together. We may give and give and be supportive to a man's struggles but it does get old at some point and by then it'll be too late. While she may have an abundance of understanding and empathy, don't take that for granted. Trust when I say drinking heavily and being unemployed can soon enough kill a relationship. The fog doesn't last forever.

 

You lost one relationship for whatever reason. Now you have a gift in your hands. Appreciate it and start to take steps to nurture it.

 

Yeah I know. I don't take it for granted. Actually, I rarely show my pain to anyone. My new girlfriend is hurting as well (she had a terrible childhood), which of course is one giant red flag. On the other hand, I don't want to judge her because of what my ex did. Anyway, the point is that we encourage each other. It's only on LS I'm a cry baby.

 

Perhaps drinking heavily was a bad choice of words. I'm seldom drunk. When I'm on a party, I always drink less than my friends. I just believe that my seretonin levels would benefit from drinking less frequently, even if it's just one glass a wine. But my plan is to work out more and only drink on weekends.

[flightplan]

Sounds like you needed validation and just wanted to be heard. I get that..it's a normal human need. However, your carrying the past into the present with your current g/f. Word of caution... your current g/f may seem understanding and caring right now, but you've seen this before. If you're not careful, history is going to repeat itself.

 

It's hard enough to deal with one's own issue's and double hard to deal with another person thrown in the mix. Be honest and ask yourself if you're using your g/f to fill a void, because that's what it sounds like to me. If you haven't dealt with your past, it's going to catch up sooner or later with your current g/f.

[lauri]

In my experience, when I was jealous of another guy, it ALWAYS seemed like my ex girlfriend would end up with him some how. It's almost like she wondered what I saw in that guy that I didn't have...that whole preselection thing.

 

Now, even if I am jealous, I don't show it. I'm not scared to walk away if I start to suspect things. In your situation with all those red flags, I would simply now tell her "I'm not comfortable having a girlfriend who is close with another guy and talks with him constantly on an intimate level. I prefer to be with a girl who wouldn't risk ruining us over some random guy. Luckily, there is many other girls out there who wouldn't do what you're doing and that would appreciate what we have. All the best, we're done."

 

With that said, you obviously have a lot of built up anger regarding what happened between you two. What's the point of wasting your energy on someone that is out of your control? You can learn from this entire experience and translate it to your current girlfriend. You can use this to help strengthen your relationship and not let you make mistakes from the past.

[Itspointless]

My new girlfriend is hurting as well (she had a terrible childhood), which of course is one giant red flag.

No a terrible childhood isn't a red flag. The emotional responses she has acquired (for example) to stress can be though. You have to be aware that you are not her personal project. She can't save you that is your own job.

[Kevin_D]

No, I'm not using her to get over my ex. I've turned down several nice girls earlier because I wasn't ready. I spend much more time comforting her and it feels good to be appreciated. However, I'm paranoid that I once again has become the knight in shiny armor. I think this is what prevents me from becoming too emotional. I don't want to exoerience the idealization and devaluation again.

 

One thing though. If your gf ends up with the guy that made you jealous, you probably had a good reason. I can't stand the reasoning "she cheated and left me because I wad jealous and depressed".

[Itspointless]

No, I'm not using her to get over my ex.

That was not what I meant. i was referring to your social situation and the way you feel in life.

[Satu]

Snip

 

My life is still a mess though. I'm drinking heavily. I'm unemployed. I either sleep for 4 hours or 14 hours. I've always been an overachiever, so this is very frustrating. But my girlfriend is really supportive. She adores my musical talents, she brags about how I am an engineer and she lets me know that her friends think I'm really good-looking. This is new to me. I've never gotten this kind of admiration before.

 

From my own experience, I'd say that it's really important to get to feeling at ease inside your own skin. Take it easy on yourself, relax, and let yourself unwind. You're a good enough person. You don't need major personality surgery.

 

LOL.

 

Breathe out and enjoy what you have.

[mtnbiker3000]

I remember you Kevin. I remember your story and how difficult this was for you. Reminds of my story as well. LOL!!!

 

My question is, what have you been doing to grow during the last year? Have you been in therapy? Have you been reading? Have you been writing? Have you been working on becoming a better, stronger person? Because if not, you can expect the same sort of thing to happen again. You do play a part in how things turn out.

 

My suggestion would be to work on yourself and grow as a person. Then, and only then will things have a different outcome. I speak from personal experience. I also struggle (almost 2 years now), and everyday is a challenge. But I'm doing things and taking steps to handle things differently. The single best resource I have discovered is the book by Robert Glover "No More Mr Nice Guy" I strongly suggest you give it a read.

 

Good luck!!

[erklat]

I think you should focus more on yourself. You seem pretty

Unhappy for a person who has more than a year of breakup pain growth

Under his belt. I don't think you are happy with your life on your

Own. Get those achievements back on track and see how that turns out

 

 

The single best resource I have discovered is the book by Robert Glover "No More Mr Nice Guy" I strongly suggest you give it a read.

 

Good luck!!

 

What is it about ? Does it address codependency ?

Edited December 13, 2014 by erklat