Is there anything else I can do?

[BMW919]

Or is the ball in her court?

 

Look I have a communication problem and I don't know how to get past it.

 

My fiancé and I have been together 3 years and other wise have a great relationship. That's why we are in-engaged after all but what started out 2 years ago as just a "girlfriend" wanting to chat that bit longer, after all girls do chat more than guys and it's a common theme for the girl in the relationship to want to chat more anyways.

 

So at first it was like "what's new?" when it became apparent that she wanted to chat more than I did.... I just grit my teeth and spent that bit longer on the phone or chatted that bit extra on Facebook, when I say that "bit longer" and "bit extra" but it wasn't the daily contact that bothered me really it is the "constant checking up on me" every 1-2 hours minimum, sometimes less than that -it was cute at 1st but after 3 years, well..... ohhhh and the reading my emails behind my back, that also bothers me.. does she not trust me?

 

So far I've tried explaining myself and how it makes me feel, that doesn't get me very far (logically explaining myself) ... so I've tried explaining it from a "guys" point of view, that's it just how we operate etc etc ... I have told that I understand she (as a women) want and needs different things from the relationship but for her to be "happy" I have to be understood. Right now I'm not understood and I'm having to explain myself more and more .. maybe someone else explain it (from a 3rd party..) might do the trick? ..... it did for me ..

 

For me reading books like "Mars and Venus on a date" has helped me greatly understand this difference, I suggested her reading them but was told "I too lazy to read a book" .. "I'm okay" ...... so that is a no go, I even suggested an Audiobook hahaha .. that said, I'm not perfect but I like to like I have tried to understand her better as not only a fiancé but also a women.. I just want her to do the same for me and I can see 'resentment' building in me if things don't change.

 

Yes it's a long distance relationship and it's why daily contact is very important to us both... I can't the last time we didn't chat for 24 hours if I'm honest but the more I pull away the more she tries to contact me... it's horrible cos she is turning me into someone I didn't want to be... I would laugh but it's not really funny, read on:

 

The other route to take for me is the "I don't care how she feels when she is upset" .. which could turn into me going out with the mates more and more, that's a slippery slope and I'm not sure I wanna take that option. I was recently pretty much told that: "I act stupid when I want your attention. I know you still love me but you are my hobby so I want to talk all the time.. you don't want to to but it is childish my behavior" ..

 

I wasn't sure what to say cos how she feels isn't stupid or childish, I think I said "that is just how you as a women naturally respond to that situation" . "I think if you understood what made me tick, we will both be far happy .. I won't be feeling like I've got to (rightfully or wrongfully.) explain myself and you will get what you (as a women..) want from their partner.

 

Maybe her finding this forum post in my 'inbox', might do the trick?

[Toodaloo]

Just talk to her.

 

If you can't be bothered now will you be bothered when you are married for 10 years???

 

Communication is so important. Spend time now getting it right. And no subtle hints like putting this in your email in box are not going to work. Speaking to her about it and how it makes you feel might.

[d0nnivain]

If I understand your post: Your FI wants more communication & more chats & interaction with you. You think you already give her too much & want her to stop her checking up on you every 1-2 hours.

 

I gotta say expecting a spouse to be able to chat with you every 1-2 hours all day every day is unrealistic. Nobody has that kind of time once college is over. How insecure is your FI?

 

If she can't grow up & get a grip, I don't think you should marry her.

 

As a long distance relationship yes daily communication is important because that is all you have. But hourly, is over the top.

 

When will the distance close? Will you be closer for a any point before you marry? If that's not in the plan now, perhaps push back the wedding to allow this in the hopes that closing the physical distance will reduce her unnatural need for reassurance.

[toscaroscura]

Ok, I have experience with this, so forgive me if I let my personal feelings cloud.

 

She's probably going so nuts talking to you all the time because she feels that if she doesn't, you'd just barely or never talk to her. If your relationship is long distance, communication is VITAL to continuing the bond between you.

 

I'm of the mindset that if you're in love with someone, you'll want to talk to them. You should be excited and happy to hear from them, and you'll reach out too (not leave it all up to them). It doesn't sound like you really want to or have ever wanted to. I'm getting a "lukewarm" vibe from you here, so she probably picks up on it too and it drives her nuts.

 

You explain yourself, but you don't DO anything. You don't reach out more nor seem keen on talking to her. Actions matter way more than words.

 

"I don't care how she feels when she is upset"...this is absolutely the wrong tactic to take. If you love this woman, you should care if she is upset. It doesn't matter who is right or wrong or what your intentions are. If my actions were hurting someone I loved, I'd feel bad and try to remedy it. If I felt he was unreasonable, well then we aren't compatible and we should break up.

 

So what to do? TALK to her and assure her that you will contact her at certain times. Don't let 24 hours or more of silence go by randomly. Hammer out something you can both agree on. Like, ok, every hour or two is too much for me, but I promise to call you at X time every day to catch up. Assure her you love her and apologize for your self-admitted communication problem. If she feels that you love her she'll feel more secure and stop the hourly check ins.

 

This really doesn't have much to do with gender. I just see one partner feeling the other (you) slipping away and resisting, so they desperately try to hang on.

 

Oh, and, what is "in-engaged"?

[preraph]

We see on here every day girls who are bombarding their bfs with inane texts all day long and don't understand why they get tired of it. I'm a woman, and I'd go nuts if someone did that to me after the first "getting to know each other phase," which I would expect to do mostly in person. Saying everything you have to say and making up stuff just to have something to say robs you of quality time when you are face to face, and I would think any mature person could see the reasoning behind this.

 

On top of that immaturity, now you have piled her insecurity. She's going to cause to happen what she fears most. What your gf really needs is to live alone and support herself for a year or two and realize if a man walks out, it's not the end of the world. Yes, sometimes people like that have childhood abandonment issues. If that's the case, then she'd benefit from therapy. This is not your fault. The only thing you did wrong is putting up with it from the beginning, so now she will expect it from now on. You have to talk with her like an adult and set the boundaries. It will turn into a big drama, no doubt. You need to point out this is about her insecurity and not about you, although you can admit you are at the lower end of the communication meter, but a lot of guys are, so she better get used to it. You need to tell her she's creating her worst fear by not controlling herself on acting out her insecurities and expecting you to do it all. You can help her insecurities by not giving her reason to doubt, but in the end it's her who has to decide not to drive you away by acting on them in this immature way. If you're serious about staying with her, maybe you want to do all this with the help of a joint counselor, though she probably could use individual therapy before this really gets resolved. Good luck.