Lernaean_Hydra Posted December 12, 2014 Posted December 12, 2014 The other night after having a nice evening out with some friends I ran into my ex on the way to my car. I was a bit taken aback but not wholly surprised since he lives a few blocks away from the restaurant and frequents the area. Plus mentally, I'd already prepared for this possibility. It was civil enough at first and he told me about some things that had been going on in his life and expressed some fears about his upcoming trip to visit family in Mexico. Stupidly, I allowed myself to show some level of concern - the last time he went back home was while we were still together and his time there was nothing short of awful.That concern quickly went away however once he took it as a sign I was open to reconciling and ran with it. Immediately he told me how much he missed me, how awful he felt about the way things ended, how his fears about perhaps not making it back to the U.S. had made him realize how much he wanted and needed me in his life , blah blah, blah. I got my head together, told him I couldn't believe his audacity and spat every profanity under the sun at him. By the time I got home he'd blasted my phone with calls, texts and KIK messages saying much of the same. I told him where to go once again and blacklisted him. I felt okay that night, laughed with friends about what an a*hole he was and slept like a baby. It should be noted first and foremost, I dumped him! This is a guy who cheated on me, prolifically and repeatedly with basically anybody willing to undo his belt buckle. I do not miss him. I do not want to reconcile and I am not struggling with the breakup (that happened months ago, mind you). We've already had a huge blow up (many in fact), my mind is made up and in retrospect, he was a loser whose bedroom skills left a lot to be desired. Yet, for the past few days I've felt so incredibly...honestly I can't even put my actual feelings into words. It's like this sort of impotent rage mixed with depression, anxiety and general lack of interest in anything. I've basically confined myself to my house (save for handling essential tasks) because the urge to do something really damaging to myself is unbelievably strong. I want all these feelings gone immediately. I am generally soooooo much stronger than this! Why has this done my head in so much?
mitzimojo1 Posted December 13, 2014 Posted December 13, 2014 and that's what you are feeling. All the anger and hurt that you felt at his betrayal. I am sure it was incredibly painful for you but you managed to get away from him and put it all behind you. And now he is back. And singing you a song trying to get you back. And you, smartly, aren't letting him in. But your body remembers the pain and it has just come back up for you, letting you feel it again. Its the body's way of reminding you to STAY AWAY from him. Give it a few days. Know that it will pass. You are a strong woman and have proven that to yourself in the past by leaving this guy. In the meantime, watch some Orange is the New Black. Girl power! 4
Satu Posted December 13, 2014 Posted December 13, 2014 (edited) He is emotionally toxic for you, and you got a big dose of the toxin. You already know what the antidote is... Edited December 13, 2014 by Satu 2
BC1980 Posted December 13, 2014 Posted December 13, 2014 Seeing him again forced you to feel all of these emotions again. You saw him, talked to him, and it triggered everything. I think it's totally normal. It's also really difficult to ignore someone in person no matter how mentally prepared you are. It's just a different ballgame when you are surprised by the person. I think you will move on from these feelings quicker than after the breakup. I saw my ex from a distance yesterday, and just seeing him brought up some residual emotions. We didn't even speak or make eye contact, but simply seeing him brought back memories and some anger. An hour later, I was over it, so I think you will be fine. 2
EgoJoe Posted December 13, 2014 Posted December 13, 2014 The trauma of betrayal is real and you're experiencing vestiges of it. 5
BC1980 Posted December 13, 2014 Posted December 13, 2014 The trauma of betrayal is real and you're experiencing vestiges of it. Agreed. Breakups are bad enough, but, when there is betrayal, it's like an emotional trauma. I was basically misled the last year of my relationship. I won't say I was outright lied to, but my ex went back on a lot of stuff. Enough important stuff to make me feel humiliated and like an absolute fool when it ended. It's just so difficult to understand how someone you loved could betray you. It doesn't go away easily, and seeing that person again. . . . it's torture. You have to relive all of those emotions. 1
EgoJoe Posted December 13, 2014 Posted December 13, 2014 Every doubt you pushed aside previously as you were not insecure becomes a red flag that you are ashamed of missing. 5
sober and dry Posted December 13, 2014 Posted December 13, 2014 Every doubt you pushed aside previously as you were not insecure becomes a red flag that you are ashamed of missing. So true 1
carly75 Posted December 13, 2014 Posted December 13, 2014 You should let go your angry and shame that you feel for him when he cheated on you.
EgoJoe Posted December 13, 2014 Posted December 13, 2014 Hurt people hurt people. It's cliche but true.
Author Lernaean_Hydra Posted December 13, 2014 Author Posted December 13, 2014 He is emotionally toxic for you, and you got a big dose of the toxin. This is such a short but wonderfully accurate analogy. Thank you. That's exactly what it feels like. 1
Author Lernaean_Hydra Posted December 13, 2014 Author Posted December 13, 2014 Seeing him again forced you to feel all of these emotions again. You saw him, talked to him, and it triggered everything. I think it's totally normal. It's also really difficult to ignore someone in person no matter how mentally prepared you are. It's just a different ballgame when you are surprised by the person. I think you will move on from these feelings quicker than after the breakup. I think I was more surprised and upset by what ensued than simply just seeing him alone. Though of course I can't be sure, had we just had a few moments of polite chatter and parted ways I feel like I would've been fine. It was the fact that he still felt it was appropriate to even mention reconciling after so much time has already passed and I've made myself abundantly clear. Honestly, after a few days to really mull things over I think what I'm most troubled by is the fact that he was comfortable enough even get the words out of his mouth. It made me feel like in his mind, no matter how firm I'd been previously about us being completely DONE, he still viewed me as weak and susceptible to his "charms"...hell, I can't even call it that because he's far from charming . And there's nothing I hate more than feeling weak. Agreed. Breakups are bad enough, but, when there is betrayal, it's like an emotional trauma. I was basically misled the last year of my relationship. I won't say I was outright lied to, but my ex went back on a lot of stuff. Enough important stuff to make me feel humiliated and like an absolute fool when it ended. It's just so difficult to understand how someone you loved could betray you. It doesn't go away easily, and seeing that person again. . . . it's torture. You have to relive all of those emotions. This hit home for me. I suppose what I'm dealing with now just comes from feeling so utterly disrespected. Again! 1
EgoJoe Posted December 13, 2014 Posted December 13, 2014 Take solace in the fact that you're the one that got away and he only has himself to blame. 3
beach Posted December 13, 2014 Posted December 13, 2014 I find it therapeutic to get those emotions out of my head and onto some other place... Any artistic form you can will help. Paint Sidewalk chalk Draw Ceramics Or just go outside and break things and scream as loud as you need to. 2
Satu Posted December 13, 2014 Posted December 13, 2014 The antidote is No Contact. Neither directly or through a third person, or social media. I think you know that. As regards painful feelings, my experience is that externalising those feelings is very helpful. Writing about them, talking about them with a trustworthy person, or using any other method of expression is almost always helpful. You can certainly talk about them here.
BC1980 Posted December 13, 2014 Posted December 13, 2014 I think I was more surprised and upset by what ensued than simply just seeing him alone. Though of course I can't be sure, had we just had a few moments of polite chatter and parted ways I feel like I would've been fine. It was the fact that he still felt it was appropriate to even mention reconciling after so much time has already passed and I've made myself abundantly clear. Honestly, after a few days to really mull things over I think what I'm most troubled by is the fact that he was comfortable enough even get the words out of his mouth. It made me feel like in his mind, no matter how firm I'd been previously about us being completely DONE, he still viewed me as weak and susceptible to his "charms"...hell, I can't even call it that because he's far from charming . And there's nothing I hate more than feeling weak. I think his reaction minimized your emotions. I think this is pretty common, even outside of romantic relationships. Like if a friend did something heinous to you but wanted to act like nothing happened the next time you saw the person. It's a method to try to distract you from what really happened and hope you don't hold the person accountable. It hurts when someone either doesn't understand the magnitude of what was done or doesn't care.
gaius Posted December 13, 2014 Posted December 13, 2014 Probably just an association thing. Like when I hear a song it often takes me back to the time and emotions I was feeling when I first started listening to it. And for you, him begging you back like that takes you right back to the rage and feelings of finding out you got cheated on yet again. Association is a powerful thing. =/ 1
somedude81 Posted December 13, 2014 Posted December 13, 2014 I think I was more surprised and upset by what ensued than simply just seeing him alone. Though of course I can't be sure, had we just had a few moments of polite chatter and parted ways I feel like I would've been fine. It was the fact that he still felt it was appropriate to even mention reconciling after so much time has already passed and I've made myself abundantly clear. Honestly, after a few days to really mull things over I think what I'm most troubled by is the fact that he was comfortable enough even get the words out of his mouth. It made me feel like in his mind, no matter how firm I'd been previously about us being completely DONE, he still viewed me as weak and susceptible to his "charms"...hell, I can't even call it that because he's far from charming . And there's nothing I hate more than feeling weak. Maybe he's just an idiot who has no idea how things are supposed to work? I can just imagine you running into him some years down the line when you are married and have kids, and he suggests getting back together. Your response shouldn't be wondering if he's that charming and powerful, but that he's just an absolute moron.
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