An0nymiss666 Posted December 12, 2014 Posted December 12, 2014 I really don't know what to expect. We did not start out as long distance, he moved away for work (probably an 8 hour drive) a couple of months ago and we've been together over a year, but he was an acquaintance of mine for a long time before we got together. I really believe we're a perfect match. Our weird quirks and personalities fit together just right and we spend most of our time laughing with/at each other and I love every second of it. We both love our time together but like our space at times as well. So it always worked out great when he lived here, but we had our normal issues, bickering every so often. We've had one or two bigger fights but no white-trash Jerry Springer garbage. We've always worked it out and laughed it off later. I visited him a month ago for a week, and we had one small disagreement but other than that it was great and left on a good note and everything. About two weeks ago I called him just to talk and it started out normal, then all of these feelings came out from him that I had no idea or warning about and it nearly crushed me. He said I have an attitude which I know is true sometimes, but he acts like I'm miserable ALL of the time or something. The night before that conversation we had words because he was out all night and didn't say anything to me. I know he wasn't doing anything wrong because I checked Snapchat and he was sending me things (isn't Social Media wonderful -_-). I've had trust issues, not because of anything he's done, he's been wonderful. But for no reason really, because my exes were awful people and I was lied to for years in my last relationship before him. I'm working on my trust issues, I realize how silly it is, but I can't seem to completely shake those feelings. I always end up kicking myself because I'll say stupid things I know I shouldn't since I DO TRUST HIM. He's never given me a reason not to. Anyways, when I called, he said he doesn't necessarily want to break up, but he said it's something we might have to consider as adults, because he doesn't want to be in a long distance relationship forever. Okay, neither do I. He doesn't know if me moving there is realistic. He doesn't know if he'd be ready to take that step, living with a girlfriend, just because he never has, and he isn't sure of it -- oh and also because of "my moods." While I do agree it would be an adult decision to part ways, I would do anything to make this work and I love him so much. I just don't see that it's necessary to split up. He said I love you and we ended the conversation on a good note even though I was upset and saddened. Since then, he hasn't been acting the same. We text every day, but sometimes he takes longer to answer and he's been ignoring almost every affectionate thing that I say (I love you, I miss you, etc). He doesn't say I love you anymore and he says it's just because he doesn't want to say anything he isn't sure of. Which is why we took a long time to say it for the FIRST time (5-6 months maybe) and we were great before then. I want to think it's okay, but I know it's a totally different meaning when someone STOPS saying it. He still seems somewhat normal. He's not being mean or nasty, he still calls me "babe/dear" and stuff like that and still jokes with me like he normally does. He's nice, but really not sweet or romantic. Sometimes in his texts he seems short with me. Not mean, but like one word answer type things. We haven't had any relationship-talk since that conversation two weeks ago. I called him and last week and tried to bring it up and he said "I don't want to talk about that right now." One of our mutual friends asked him how we were doing and he said the same thing to them. He's actually his normal happy self on the phone, and we have our usual goofy conversations and spend most of the time laughing. He'll be back next week, and he'll be staying two weeks for the holidays and staying with his parents, who I also love. I talked to him for a little bit yesterday and it was nice. We talked about hanging out the night he gets back and how I'm going to bring him food he likes and we'll get ice cream, etc. Just stuff we always did when he lived here. It made me feel good about everything and put me in a good mood. But again, I know things have changed in SOME way. I don't want to cherry-pick and convince myself of things that might not happen. I've asked my friends and I really would like some unbiased opinions (not THIS MAN HURT MY FRIEND'S FEELINGS AND HE IS EVIL). I'd like to think we can repair whatever is wrong and work things out. Even if it's all on me, because I know I've damaged our relationship somewhat. So far I've heard: -He's "just being a guy" and he doesn't feel the need to text constantly 24/7 because it's juvenile. -I'll never know until I talk to him in person, so I should stick it out for now and not give him a hard time, and figure it out when he gets back. -He's being a coward and wants to break up, but wants ME to do it. So I shouldn't give in, and if he doesn't want to be together then HE should do it. I'd like to say I know him well enough and he would've just left me if he really didn't want this anymore. Especially considering the distance. But you never know what anybody is actually thinking. Thanks to anybody who reads this and responds. I really appreciate it.
StalwartMind Posted December 12, 2014 Posted December 12, 2014 It's easy for everyone to assume, you, your friends and the rest of us on a forum like this. While I'm sure some bask in their glory when they are right about their assumptions, it's really just very pointless to assume things about others, because like you said, you never know what anybody is actually thinking. My sensors tell me he is indeed heavily considering his situation, what he wants and the relationship with you. We can all sit here and state the most obvious things that typically happen next but to emphasize what was said above, it's just really anyone's guess. One of the best things you can do, is try to prepare yourself mentally for any sort of disappointment, but don't let that influence your behavior in a negative way towards him. This may seem like a pessimistic type of action but it's better to be prepared than catch yourself completely blindsided. When people act different, there is always a reason behind it, however it does not mean it's of negative consequences. All types of people in different ages, go through life changing decisions and transformations. While I of course hope everything works out the best for you, it's also quite important no matter what happens, and if he is as willing to work on things as you are, that you don't let your anger take over. It's fine to be upset with a situation, but in the end none of us "owe" other people, even if they have the status of being our partner/spouse. It's my impression you likely are willing to work more on making things work, than he is, at least presently. We all have different thresholds with what we are willing to deal with, and sometimes even perfect matches, will split because the threshold difference is too great. It's very unfortunate as it can make you feel, someone is giving up to easily on things that could be remedied with a bit of effort. I understand what all your friends have said and the things you've heard, I'm not much for generalizing either sex, because I'm a guy and I consider myself to be pretty mindful of others, and vast changes in behavior is something where my alarm goes off. Sending a text or responding doesn't take much effort, I'm sorry if anyone feels that way, but I do know we all look at communication widely different. This brings me to the last bit where I want to say something I'm very confident about and many other people will agree with this too. Communication is key, if it for any reasons breaks or seizes completely, then you have problems. It's entirely possible he still acts "normal" but he is undergoing significant personal changes. A relationship shouldn't be so fragile that you need to tread carefully with what you say, but it seems like yours is currently in muddy waters like that. The end result will depends on many factors, out of your control, but it's how you end up dealing with everything, that's going to define your current and future character. Let things happen as they will, but do everything you believe in and present them in the most sensible way. Do not pressure or demand, but let things flow the direction they are. If he is someone of high caliber, then he will deal with this situation as an adult like he claimed you should. This also means he should be man enough to confront feelings and the situation at hand without trying to be evasive. All the best to you!
Author An0nymiss666 Posted December 12, 2014 Author Posted December 12, 2014 Thanks so much for your reply! I agree. I am definitely trying to prepare myself for the worst case scenario. I am not *expecting* anything either way. I think that can be damaging in any complicated situation, and I agree it's best to just be myself and let things happen as they will. I'm definitely not an advocate of FORCING things to work, we all know it takes two to tango. I feel like he's going to lay something on me when he's here. But if he doesn't, then I'll have to bring it up sometime before he leaves. I don't think it's fair for me to go on in this relationship -- especially with him so far away -- not knowing why there has been such a change. In fact I've actually said that to him, "communication is key" when I decided to ask about it. But things like that are grouped in with the texts that he ignores from me. I guess that says something in itself. I also don't care to generalize either sex, because the same basic things should be expected out of both people in a relationship. I don't think it's that hard to send a text, either. I know he spends a lot of time on his phone. He's even said to me when we weren't having issues that he doesn't feel the need to text "constantly" (we all know it's not literally constant). But yes, like you said, it's still a change, so something is going on no matter what kind of personal change that is. I just have to stick it out for now, and do what you suggested by being myself. I'm not afraid to leave in a bad or dead-end relationship, but I just don't see enough to where I'd resort to that right now. Some people might see that differently, though. Thanks again for your response! I'm just hoping for the best, in either case...
StalwartMind Posted December 13, 2014 Posted December 13, 2014 I think that's a healthy attitude and a good way to approach things from here on out. It's about you doing what you feel is the right thing to do and being sensible about something that is not an ideal situation, well that's plus points to anyone in my book.
Recommended Posts