hildagnome Posted December 11, 2014 Posted December 11, 2014 I'm in my 30s and I'm terrible at signals etc but I THINK a long standing very good friend of mine may have laid his cards on the table and basically proposed to me. We were having lunch and he said "I'm looking to get married / commit to someone. I know this isn't the best place to have this conversation but what are your life plans? Do you see yourself getting married and having kids?" He had hinted in a similar way over the phone too. But that was more like telling me his grandma was pressuring him to get married and he didn't think it was a bad idea. At the time I took it as a come on and I balked and laughed it off as I had never thought of him in that way. I basically said I was waiting to fall in love. He then spent the rest of the (long) meal telling me that he didn't believe in love, that you basically choose any random person and work it out. I thought that was a bit weird and can't figure out if he has true feelings for me, or just picked a single female friend he thought would make "good wife material". It's confusing me so much I'm almost wondering if I imagined in all. Maybe he was just having a conversation asking me about my love life and actually wasn't hinting at anything ... Or maybe the last bit of the conversation was because I hadn't taken the bait (if it was a bait) and he was saving face? What do you think? I've been thinking I would maybe like to try to see how and where it goes. I'm not 100% certain but I think it could be a good fit. Issue is, after this conversation he has become a little distant. He responds to me but doesn't initiate like he used to. I text a little (not much) more than I used to. I barely used to text him before. Does the sort of conversation that I described strike you as him coming on to me? And what do I do if I decide to give try? Maybe have dinner and just tell him that we should think about it?
CarrieT Posted December 11, 2014 Posted December 11, 2014 He then spent the rest of the (long) meal telling me that he didn't believe in love, that you basically choose any random person and work it out. Run, run, run. And what do I do if I decide to give try? Be prepared for a loveless life. Maybe have dinner and just tell him that we should think about it? Only if you like arrangements with no emotions whatsoever. 4
Danda Posted December 12, 2014 Posted December 12, 2014 Well, I have to admit it's interesting that you think the two of you would be a good fit, even though you have "never thought of him in that way" while he explained that he doesn't love you, either, but then damn near proposed to you. Maybe it'd work if you both are actually like that? Even if most of us here couldn't comprehend such a thing, if you and this guy perceive relationships the same way and are on the same page, then I guess.. why not? But I'd say first you better make sure you really mean what you are typing here and didn't just get a rush of emotion/excitement/confusion/whatever due to how utterly bizarre that meal must have been. 1
angel.eyes Posted December 12, 2014 Posted December 12, 2014 Good grief. It sounds as if any warm body with a pulse will do. Has his grandmother threatened to exclude him from her will if he doesn't marry immediately? Even if you have absolutely zero options on the horizon, I would pass on his desperation. It's generally not a recipe for a long, happy marriage. Why do you have no options? What are you doing to remedy the situation? 2
d0nnivain Posted December 12, 2014 Posted December 12, 2014 He did not propose. At best he was awkwardly trying to determine your views on love & marriage. 5
Andy_K Posted December 12, 2014 Posted December 12, 2014 I see this kind of thing a lot on here but it makes little sense to me...Is it an American thing where every time you're dating someone (or just interested in them) and the topic of marriage, kids, love, cohabiting, etc comes up, the other person assumes it means immediately and with them? No bloody wonder you avoid any meaningful conversation about life goals like the plague! No, he wasn't proposing. Not every remotely close to it. He was trying to figure out your goals and beliefs, so that he knows whether they are compatible with his, and thus whether he should pursue you for something meaningful and long term or whether it would be a complete waste of both your times.
veggirl Posted December 12, 2014 Posted December 12, 2014 weird. what if you agreed? would you guys have sex? cuddle? sleep in the same bed?
gaius Posted December 12, 2014 Posted December 12, 2014 I think I remember reading somewhere that arranged marriages had a higher success rate than traditional ones, so the concept of two people who aren't in love when they meet just going with it isn't as whacky as we used to think. He needs to work on his romantic skills though. "My grandma wants me to get married, are you available?" How sexy. 1
sm2281 Posted December 12, 2014 Posted December 12, 2014 you know my boyfriend used to say stuff like that all the time. The relationship is quite new. Less than a year old and he would always say "I'm gonna marry you someday." And I just got tired of it one day and said "Maybe you shouldn't say things like that unless you are asking." Because I just never knew what the hell that was supposed to mean. I think maybe he is interested in you, but I don't think he proposed. Just because someone asks your views about marriage doesn't mean they agree and doesn't mean they are asking. Good luck!
Mirages Posted December 12, 2014 Posted December 12, 2014 I think I remember reading somewhere that arranged marriages had a higher success rate than traditional ones... I am aware of the same statistic, and want to poke at it a little more. Is it the more mature and objective selector being a parent? Or the fact that such cultures are more subordinate in their view to community that they suck it up and live it out? Perhaps "Ignorance is bliss," becomes a factor in an environment where you do not date and discover? Ideas?
PegNosePete Posted December 12, 2014 Posted December 12, 2014 Did he give you a ring? If not, no, you're not engaged. 3
Redhead14 Posted December 12, 2014 Posted December 12, 2014 I'm in my 30s and I'm terrible at signals etc but I THINK a long standing very good friend of mine may have laid his cards on the table and basically proposed to me. We were having lunch and he said "I'm looking to get married / commit to someone. I know this isn't the best place to have this conversation but what are your life plans? Do you see yourself getting married and having kids?" He had hinted in a similar way over the phone too. But that was more like telling me his grandma was pressuring him to get married and he didn't think it was a bad idea. At the time I took it as a come on and I balked and laughed it off as I had never thought of him in that way. I basically said I was waiting to fall in love. He then spent the rest of the (long) meal telling me that he didn't believe in love, that you basically choose any random person and work it out. I thought that was a bit weird and can't figure out if he has true feelings for me, or just picked a single female friend he thought would make "good wife material". It's confusing me so much I'm almost wondering if I imagined in all. Maybe he was just having a conversation asking me about my love life and actually wasn't hinting at anything ... Or maybe the last bit of the conversation was because I hadn't taken the bait (if it was a bait) and he was saving face? What do you think? I've been thinking I would maybe like to try to see how and where it goes. I'm not 100% certain but I think it could be a good fit. Issue is, after this conversation he has become a little distant. He responds to me but doesn't initiate like he used to. I text a little (not much) more than I used to. I barely used to text him before. Does the sort of conversation that I described strike you as him coming on to me? And what do I do if I decide to give try? Maybe have dinner and just tell him that we should think about it? He was simply trying to clarify what he's looking for from his dating experience. He did not specifically say with you. He probably does like you enough to find out whether or not you are on the same page in general before he goes down the road too far. That's a good thing. He is likely a little more distant now because it is the kind of conversation that can be uncomfortable because, if he is thinking about you in those terms, there is always a chance that he'd find out you weren't on the same page or tell him to get lost. Whatever. The fact that you laughed it off too may have made him feel a little weird. If/when he contacts you again to go out, you can bring the subject up again in a casual way and explain what it is you are looking for in general. Don't say you are thinking about him specifically though, because he wasn't specific with you. I'd just wait and see what he does now. You can send light texts as you have been but don't push anything. Let him come to you if he wants to.
Author hildagnome Posted December 12, 2014 Author Posted December 12, 2014 Thanks for your helpful comments. The reason I'd consider it is because while I've never been attracted to him, we are a good match in terms of personality, intelligence, education. All the boring stuff. I'm still thinking of it and I guess nobody can help me with that. I didn't think he proposed properly, he has the kind of personality where he comes straight to the point so I was just wondering if it was a serious come on / hint at us giving it a serious chance. I said 'oh I'm waiting for it to happen, to fall in love blah blah' and kind of made a joke of it by concentrating on my food. That's why I was wondering what was the subsequent conversation about just making it work with anyone about? Was he saving face? Or was he trying to make a point to me about waiting to fall in love. I'm going to be seeing him in few weeks and I think that's the moment to say something or the moment will pass. He's not the type to hang around for long. I'm wondering if I should just be open and bring it up directly (IF I decide to go for it.)
Redhead14 Posted December 12, 2014 Posted December 12, 2014 Thanks for your helpful comments. The reason I'd consider it is because while I've never been attracted to him, we are a good match in terms of personality, intelligence, education. All the boring stuff. I'm still thinking of it and I guess nobody can help me with that. I didn't think he proposed properly, he has the kind of personality where he comes straight to the point so I was just wondering if it was a serious come on / hint at us giving it a serious chance. I said 'oh I'm waiting for it to happen, to fall in love blah blah' and kind of made a joke of it by concentrating on my food. That's why I was wondering what was the subsequent conversation about just making it work with anyone about? Was he saving face? Or was he trying to make a point to me about waiting to fall in love. I'm going to be seeing him in few weeks and I think that's the moment to say something or the moment will pass. He's not the type to hang around for long. I'm wondering if I should just be open and bring it up directly (IF I decide to go for it.) There is no way to know what's really in his head. If you like him enough, you need to ride it out for a bit until it does become clear. In the meantime, observe his actions and whether or not they are in synch with his words. A man's actions often, actually, go above their words. In other words, they don't really know how to communicate their feelings sometimes, but their actions show you better. If he's upping things, you reciprocate. You don't go "there" first. After it's become clear, then you can initiate. If he doesn't hang around long, you'll know anyway. It really won't matter what you do or say, it's more about what you don't do. Don't be clingy, don't be needy. Don't bring up these discussions anymore. Let him do that if he wants to.
d0nnivain Posted December 13, 2014 Posted December 13, 2014 I'm going to be seeing him in few weeks and I think that's the moment to say something or the moment will pass. He's not the type to hang around for long. I'm wondering if I should just be open and bring it up directly (IF I decide to go for it.) If he's a direct as you say & you are seriously considering this, go ahead & start another conversation about it.
veggirl Posted December 13, 2014 Posted December 13, 2014 Wait why are you considering this? Just so you can say you are married? I mean honestly that would be the only benefit "yes I am married". You won't be in love or anything, so you just want to be able to tell people you are married? WHY???? What happens if you are married to this guy and you meet someone you really like and want to pursue? Again, will you guys have sex? Sleep in the same bed? Snuggle on the couch? Or just be roommates who can say to the public "We Are Married!!! Joy!!!" I don't get it. Why would you want to do this? What do either of you gain? 2
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