Conrad1 Posted December 11, 2014 Posted December 11, 2014 So I met this girl a couple months ago, and we started are as friends, and just kind of naturally started to like each other, and spend more time together. We went on plenty of dates, though never really called them 'dates'. We get a long very well and it's all so natural and relaxed. We opened up to each other the other night, about our last relationship. She actually brought it up and asked who the last person I dated was, and so on and so forth. We both came out of a relationship about 5 months ago, from a cheating and lying ex. So I could totally to relate to the pain she was expressing, and vise versa. We've cuddled and held hands plenty, but we haven't kissed. I know that this girl is a very busy and stressed out girl. She is kind of guard with her time and her heart, and I could tell this at first. It was hard at first to get time with her, but I have gradually become a bigger and bigger priority in her life. So after she asked about the last person I dated, I took that as she wanted to discuss us. So asked I her today about us, whether it was something she just wanted to keep as a friendship or become something more, and about kissing her, since I didn't want to just lay it on her, because I didn't think it was appropriate in this situation. She told me she really really liked me, and she was glad I asked her about kissing her, because she didn't NOT want to kiss me, but just was just cautious after her last relationship. She told me she didn't just want to stay friends, and definitely wanted to move forward, but she just wants to make sure we don't rush and ruin things. She said she really likes me, and wants to continue to get to closer to me, making sure to take things slowly and continue get to know me. I'm sort of a same way, since I'm coming from the same hurt that she is. I'm not looking for just physical things, as getting in a relationship with her is much more important to me than just getting a first kiss as soon as possible. My question I guess is just, should I just keep on going with what I'm doing? Like it's pretty clear I mean a lot to her, and she wants to move things forward, and she isn't looking for other guys, but is there anything I can or should do to ensure that we grow closer? I'm not looking to just get physical at all, I really care for her, and I like her a lot, and she's a really strong and unique girl. She really is the whole package to me. I just want to do the right things for this situation. Shall I continue doing what I'm doing, enjoying our time together as the days come, and let it progress naturally, as it has so far? Is there specific things that I should do, or shouldn't do?
Gloria25 Posted December 11, 2014 Posted December 11, 2014 I can't really say about any "specific" things you should/shouldn't be doing here... I think you'll have to play it by ear. But, I will say no sex until you two establish what you are. But, I think she needs to clarify the "titles" here...cuz, it's one thing to be her emotional tampon (and be launched into the "friendzone") and it's another to be bf/gf, but holding off on sex and really, really, trying to get to know each other and taking it slow. 1
Author Conrad1 Posted December 11, 2014 Author Posted December 11, 2014 I can totally understand what you are saying, I don't think I'm in danger of being thrown in the friend-zone as we speak, but it's something I am definitely actively avoiding. We still hold hands and cuddle and are always very close physically to each other when we are out doing stuff. She DID mention at one point when we were talking that I was the tallest guy she has 'dated' before. So there is that?
Danda Posted December 12, 2014 Posted December 12, 2014 She asked about your last relationship. She said she is dating you. She was chill and cautiously receptive to the idea of being something more and even kissing. This might be one of those rare cases where both of you are actually just being straight up honest and mature about stuff. It can seem really weird in an ocean of people with all sorts of dating/relationship drama/issues, and especially if your own history has been a bit jacked up. Best thing is to not ruin it by letting any anxiety take over. It sounds like you both are open and chill when it comes to discussing stuff, which is awesome, so I'd say just keep trekking with the natural vibes and approach the topic again after a while if nothing naturally develops further on its own. Now that the two of you have had this talk, she knows for sure that you're interested in more than friendship, and usually after that it goes one of two ways: 1. She's going to start referring to you as her "very good friend" and it's gonna blow. 2. Things will gradually, naturally start getting more romantic now that she's not worried about you not feeling the same way. I really think things are swinging towards 2 because she said herself that she's "dating" you. Give it a couple months -ish and see what's up, but I'd put money down that you two kiss for the first time before then. 1
todreaminblue Posted December 12, 2014 Posted December 12, 2014 you should continue with the physical intimacy you have established......it defines your intimate relationship with her if she is not close to anyone else in that way,.....theres a beauty in knowing someone well without heavy intimacy ...there's a freedom to it.....its not a forced expectation of making out at every private opportunity but simply an enjoyment of the person you are close to, a freedom to know a soul completely inside and out....to know them intellectually how they think and feel on different subjects.....a true start to a relationship that is strong.....when you build on that foundation yoru relationship then becomes stronger...long lasting.......... to develop strong intuitive responses to the person you are getting to know...you know what they need and when they need it..be it physical or emotional ...support and understanding.......if you force making out sessions in there...it becomes complicated and old quickly....instead of building a strong foundation you head for the second story built on sand...its gonna crumble.... keep doing what you are doing.....learn about the person you want in your life......when you know them....then ...you dont need to ask questions or know when something is right to do ....it just happens and you know before you even have to ask..you found out the answer ages ago.......this helps when your other half isnt around...you instinctively know how they would feel or what they would do....trust comes easy....in turn you know what would make you partner uncomfortable and seek not to do that......thats why...i believe being in a relationship with your best friend..before your lover...is the only way to go..that takes time..deb 2
Author Conrad1 Posted December 12, 2014 Author Posted December 12, 2014 I appreciate your guy's time and advice . She is definitely not giving that attention, emotionally or physically to anyone else right now. Any free time that she isn't spending with her family, she is pretty much spending with me. I'll definitely just let things go with the flow, as that is exactly what has led things forward so far. 2
darkmoon Posted December 12, 2014 Posted December 12, 2014 in saying she does not want to rush, she is serious about you, she will have already decided, i think some girls are sensitive about their image and hope to present a good reputation, the opposite of the porny nudey influence, sort of thing 1
Author Conrad1 Posted December 12, 2014 Author Posted December 12, 2014 Just curious, what do you mean by "will have already decided"?
darkmoon Posted December 12, 2014 Posted December 12, 2014 (edited) the opposite of getting dumped she will have decided on you as the man who she wants in her life, i do not know you so i have so specific idea what she sees in you, it is your appearance, as well as what you say such as your values, opinions, convos, all of that sort of thing she has got to know you and has decided to keep you in her life, and so you cuddle Edited December 12, 2014 by darkmoon 1
CONMAN Posted December 12, 2014 Posted December 12, 2014 Oh okay, I gotcha. Yeah she had made it abundantly clear that she finds me attractive both physically and personality wise. We have many mirrored characteristics, and I think that's also why we clicked so well, so early on. I just hope things continue on and bloom into something more . She means a good deal to me, and I just want to do what's best. 2
darkmoon Posted December 12, 2014 Posted December 12, 2014 (edited) be like her then, do not rush and ruin things, she seems to have set the pace, her state of arousal will progress to making out and responsive behaviour which means observing her breathing from normal it goes into inhaling and exhaling more strongly, a new development but she has set the pace, make no mistake, once breathing tells you she is responding, getting carried away, do not upgrade further without a tender word or two, the first time being the zenith, the key upgrade from your cuddles she has done nothing more than be ladylike, still is, kiss her a bit Edited December 12, 2014 by darkmoon
d0nnivain Posted December 12, 2014 Posted December 12, 2014 Intellectually I can understand her position: She's scared & doesn't want to rush into anything. Emotionally & romantically it doesn't compute. I'm the type if I like a guy as more than friends or potentially more then friends I want to do more than hang out with him. I may not be ready for sex immediately but there should be hand-holding, flirting, hugging, cuddling & kissing. Without those things he's a buddy & nothing more.
CONMAN Posted December 12, 2014 Posted December 12, 2014 Well she IS holding hands, cuddling, and being all gooshy and flirty. We just haven't kissed yet. And she hasn't straight up denied me a kiss either, it was kind of a hard to describe situation. She is very close, physically to me in public as well, resting her hand on my shoulder, constantly touching me (for whatever reason), hugs, hands around my waist and whatnot. It's definitely like we just talk and that's it.
darkmoon Posted December 12, 2014 Posted December 12, 2014 (edited) a peck on the lips is the usual way of asking for passion, but she sounds a bit new to take such a hint, tbh, or since she does not want to rush, why not just discuss kissing with her, hear what she thinks and move forward from there Edited December 12, 2014 by darkmoon
CONMAN Posted December 12, 2014 Posted December 12, 2014 Yeah, I did bring up kissing with her. I think she was just nervous. She never told me NO, she just discussed us, and that she wanted to move forward with me, but wanted to also make sure we don't ruin it. I'm not really sure when I should kiss her, because she thanked me when I asked her about it. It's just a different situation than I'm used to being in. She's straight up told me she likes me a lot (she emphasized on the A LOT part), and told me she doesn't want to just stay friends. She is just cautious because of her last relationship, but it's also not that she doesn't trust me. She is just nervous I guess. I've never had to deal with a situation like this.
darkmoon Posted December 12, 2014 Posted December 12, 2014 (edited) and it is new to her too, candidly, she sounds very girly, young, she will have no idea how to do much, including seducing you but i can see that although you have this great bond, discussing kissing is off the table, deffo, kissing is done with your clothes on, it is not even that intimate, her past might be a secret shame, a difficulty, like rape her last relationship thing, not entirely fair to bring baggage from that to you, for she might yet ruin things in the here and now, it is already going wrong from your point of view, or you would not be here tell her it is getting to feel a bit ruiny now or - assure her of your devotion, you know her, what to say or - suggest counselling, as though i have discussed this all round, her and you, you are getting yourself involved in someone who has a traumatic past, by her own admission among the men i have met, here on loveshack and off-line, you are a real gentleman and saint, do not get messed up by her, give it a month maybe two of counselling, watch for improvement in her, even a sign of change, do not ask her to or prompt this, just see if it is there because she wants it to be, because she wants to be happy, or run, some new woman will appreciate you, srsly Edited December 12, 2014 by darkmoon 1
CONMAN Posted December 12, 2014 Posted December 12, 2014 Thanks for all your advice Darkmoon. It's very insightful, and knowledgable. I really hope things continue to improve and get better. I also hope I can gain her trust and show her I won't be wronging her like anybody in her past has, I iust need the opportunities to show her that. I believe she is just defensive because there is someone she likes, that likes her back, and last time she opened to someone completely, it stung her back. Like I said, I just want chances to show her that I won't do anything like that, but I also can't be left on the backburner while she figures everything out in her head for very long.
darkmoon Posted December 12, 2014 Posted December 12, 2014 (edited) Thanks for all your advice Darkmoon. It's very insightful, and knowledgable. I really hope things continue to improve and get better. I also hope I can gain her trust and show her I won't be wronging her like anybody in her past has, I iust need the opportunities to show her that. I believe she is just defensive because there is someone she likes, that likes her back, and last time she opened to someone completely, it stung her back. Like I said, I just want chances to show her that I won't do anything like that, but I also can't be left on the backburner while she figures everything out in her head for very long. you are patient, yes, so how would you show her? my two cents is to find a love song that says what you need it to, they are written by professionals, quietly watch her reaction, you also have christmas, a no man's land in that you get to be as loving as you like, the more of the holiday spirit the better, so i would make the most of that, i have nothing more to add or suggest move on if you like, you will not be short of women, as you have been very nice about all this Edited December 12, 2014 by darkmoon
CONMAN Posted December 12, 2014 Posted December 12, 2014 Well I have a few things planned out, at least for Christmas and whatnot. She really likes painting pottery, so for Christmas I'm going to take her to her favorite cafe, which is right next to an old pottery place she loved going to before we both moved to orlando, and I was going to paint some pottery with her. Also planning on getting her an orchid (her favorite flower) and a couple little things. These are just all physical things. Everything else I just have to show to her through actions and my support for her I guess. Thank you 1
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