BC1980 Posted December 12, 2014 Posted December 12, 2014 I've actually done NC to a degree 1 txt reply about a guitar lesson That's all I've done - I'm more leaning towards me not bothered in small chit chat with her instead of NC I do appreciate your advice I think right this moment right this second I'm feeling strong and I'll work from there You really have to do NC 100% or not bother with it at all. It's not something you can do halfway because a relationship with an ex is not an organic relationship. It's not something that is growing and developing normally. It's a relationship with baggage attached and all kinds of crazy emotions. A breakup is a situation in which you need to draw a hard line and say NC whatsoever. No if, ands, or buts. No reason to speak to this person. Like Zahara was saying, we've all been there and tried to justify contact. Pretty much everyone on here giving advice is doing so because we have actually been in these situations and want others to learn from our mistakes. We have seen it firsthand, so we know what we're talking about. We can't all be wrong. I was in contact with my ex for 4 months after our breakup, and I was honestly begging to go NC by that point. I couldn't wait to go NC because it was so draining to keep the lines of communication open with him. Of course, everyone told me to go NC, but I thought I knew best. I thought I was "tough" and could handle it. Turns out I should have listened to the advice and moved on a lot sooner. 2
Danda Posted December 12, 2014 Posted December 12, 2014 Remember that some exes are smoother than others at "hoovering" after they pitch you like a cigarette butt, but just because you might have a smooth talker ex, won't make the breadcrumbs actually any more meaningful. I simply dated a guy casually for a few months a while back, went way the **** down hill fast and I just started NC while he was giving me the silent treatment over hell knows what that time. Anyway, he wasn't very 'smooth' so his breadcrumbs were blatant fishing bull****. After about 30 days NC he emailed me a photo of a cactus. After about 60 days NC he sent me a text wanting to psychoanalyze me. After about 90 days NC he sent me an email telling me he still "believed in" me, like was mother****ing Santa Claus. So if you turn out to have a 'smoother talker' ex who tries to get you to break NC with breadcrumbs, just remember that she might as well have texted you a picture of a cactus. It's all bull****, some are just smoother than others. Keep on healing.
Author DontBreak Posted December 12, 2014 Author Posted December 12, 2014 Loved the post danda not sure I understand the part about the cactus lol Explain to me a smooth talker ex?
lolablue17 Posted December 12, 2014 Posted December 12, 2014 Yes! Forced NC was very hard for me when was the dumpee. It happend few times. When she cut all contact immediately, I feel an unbearable pain. I need to talk to her, to understand, I need time to process it with her. I'm talking about few days, maybe a week, and then gradually I need less and less contact, until i decide to completely stop contact but it is MY DECISION regarding to MY SENSE OF TIMING. then the breakup is easier. That's why in cases i was the dumper, I always gave time and attention to her if she needed it. It's the least i could do for someone that was very dear to me just recently. I turn to all the dumpers - Yes, maybe it might cause you a little inconvenience, but please be there for them, the ones you have just dumped. Don't rush too much to move on, wait few days... don't be selfish. It can save them from hell.
Trimmer Posted December 12, 2014 Posted December 12, 2014 Day one completed on no contact!! Go me lol I honestly thought once I'd deleted any avenue of contact I'd all of a sudden stop thinking of her I don't know why She's going out to get drunk with her friends Saturday and all I can think about is her with other guys I'm messed up its still fresh ANY help would be appreciated It's all good - I've a tough skin I don't mind abruptness As I've said Before I'm not in contact with her I don't live by her So you're all good then? No longer messed up, or still fresh, and you aren't worried about her with other guys any more? Then your 1 day of NC healed you! Congratulations: you're ready to move on - nice work. 1
Author DontBreak Posted December 12, 2014 Author Posted December 12, 2014 Thanks trimmer appreciate that I'm feeling ok with those thoughts Now I can put in some hours on the other lady in my life My PS4 Without getting moaned at
Danda Posted December 12, 2014 Posted December 12, 2014 Loved the post danda not sure I understand the part about the cactus lol Explain to me a smooth talker ex? I just mean like an ex who uses breadcrumbs catered to tempt you, based on how well they know you. Like they might text you something that they know will make you feel compelled to argue with them, or they might say something really sweet to give you a sudden surge of hope, they might get all sentimental on your ass. Some people are better with words than others. For some they use it beautifully for good purposes, while others use it as a silver tongue sort of thing to just **** with people. Other times an ex might send you some random as hell **** just to see if it prompts a reaction. The bottom line is that they're just fishing for attention instead of moving on and gracefully letting you move on, as well.
Jenmarie Posted December 12, 2014 Posted December 12, 2014 I've always needed No Contact. As a dumper and dumpee. As a dumper, I didn't want to hear about hurt they were. Not trying to be selfish or anything. I was aware of how they felt and I knew that if I were to talk to them, they'd make absolutely no progress in moving on and I already checked out of the relationship. As a dumper, I always told them I was open to communicate as friends when they felt like they were ready and if they were open to it in the future. However, when I break up with someone, I'm aware of the consequences of possibly never speaking again. As a dumpee, I strictly go NC and I hardly ever break it. I have before, I've made mistakes years ago. But now I know what it takes to move on and make myself happy. I've been through it, and I am strong enough. It takes a lot of willpower. But breaking NC is just torturing yourself. If you reach out because you miss them, 99% of the time you're going to regret it because emotions are running high. I've never been dumped or dumped someone and felt absolutely nothing about it. So, I always needed NC. 1
Simon Phoenix Posted December 13, 2014 Posted December 13, 2014 The amount of goalpost moving you are doing to justify contact is problematic. You don't go from being worried about her having sex with other guys to being completely indifferent to it. You're playing tricks on yourself to justify contact and getting angry when people point that out to you. You need to go No Contact until you can be honest with yourself and truly reach indifference.
annisk Posted December 13, 2014 Posted December 13, 2014 (edited) First of all, good on you. NC is very important in helping you move forward. Don't do it with the sole hope of them coming back. Do it because YOU need to do it to move forward. NC also doesn't mean that you will think about them any less. But that's not a bad thing. It's just natural. You will think about them for however long you do, until you just cease to one day. However long that takes varies, but it'll come. I mean you might think about them less but i'm just saying that if you don't, don't panic. Secondly, don't break it. I cannot stress how important it is to not break NC. Write whatever you want to write to your ex on Notes or vent to a friend, but whatever you do, do not break it. Also, there's advice going around about not stalking them on social media because it could potentially hurt your feelings. For example, seeing photos of them with someone else. I know it hurts, but it's bound to happen man. People deal with break ups in strange ways, e.g. rebounding, etc. But you do what you have to do. Don't think you should rebound just because everyone else does it. And some times, seeing them post on social media will give you the urge to contact them but if you fight that urge long enough, I promise you, you'll be really proud of yourself. You just gotta push through it. I'm not saying you should stalk them on social media all the time, I'm just saying you shouldn't cut them out of your life because.. it is a bit of a weak way out of it imo. But do what you gotta do, and if that means you have to cut them out then do it. I just think that “closing your eyes isn't going to change anything. Nothing's going to disappear just because you can't see what's going on. In fact, things will even be worse the next time you open your eyes." - Haruki Murakami Stay strong my friend, I'm rooting for you! Edited December 13, 2014 by annisk
Author DontBreak Posted December 13, 2014 Author Posted December 13, 2014 Thanks annisk appreciate that I know If I needed anything from her she would come and help me and vice versa but I've had no desire to contact her Not out of hatred A lot of people have said I just can't change my mindset I disagree I thought long and hard and thought f**k it I figured the more I was thinking NC the more I thought of contacting I just thought worrying won't do a single thing it's like a demon that I cast out That's not me dissing anybody on here we all work in different ways I'm all good for now which is the main thing
snowflakes88 Posted December 13, 2014 Posted December 13, 2014 Thanks trimmer appreciate that I'm feeling ok with those thoughts Now I can put in some hours on the other lady in my life My PS4 Without getting moaned at You do realize he was being sarcastic. Right?
BC1980 Posted December 13, 2014 Posted December 13, 2014 Thanks annisk appreciate that I know If I needed anything from her she would come and help me and vice versa but I've had no desire to contact her Not out of hatred A lot of people have said I just can't change my mindset I disagree I thought long and hard and thought f**k it I figured the more I was thinking NC the more I thought of contacting I just thought worrying won't do a single thing it's like a demon that I cast out That's not me dissing anybody on here we all work in different ways I'm all good for now which is the main thing It's normal to think about contacting your ex a lot in the beginning. You can't just stop thinking of the person. I don't agree that the proper way to handle constant thoughts of contact is to actually contact the person. I think you will eventually become fed up with the fact that you aren't in NC. It will become a big burden to actually keep the door open because even though you aren't in constant contact with her, the door is still open. You are still going to be wondering if she will contact you, and that can be an obsession as well. Hard as it may be, I found it much better to just go NC all the way and delete him completely from my life. Give all of this a few months, and I won't be surprised if you don't feel differently about NC by that time.
Author DontBreak Posted December 13, 2014 Author Posted December 13, 2014 I was well aware of the sarcasm
Author DontBreak Posted December 13, 2014 Author Posted December 13, 2014 I've had no contact with her as I've nothing to talk to her about I'm honestly feeling no pain we ended LONG ago I just denied it Who knows one day I may feel the pain don't get my wrong I am surprised I'm not feeling much I became just as tired with this back and forth battle of her accepting me it just feels better to have let it go - but I haven't made any contact I can't explain why the switch just flipped I honestly can't say or give a reason but it just went As I say I had a long hard look at hardships I've endured in the past And when I remember how I overcome those I just thought this is nothing Perspective is a great thing
Author DontBreak Posted December 13, 2014 Author Posted December 13, 2014 Oh and lots of heavy metal blasting that always helps ANYTHING 1
Simon Phoenix Posted December 13, 2014 Posted December 13, 2014 The switch didn't flip. You're just going through the rollercoaster and your mind is playing tricks on you. This is normal. A switch won't flip -- it'll be more of a subtle fade. Either way, there's no need to be in contact or checking up on her on social media. 1
Author DontBreak Posted December 14, 2014 Author Posted December 14, 2014 Again appreciate all the advice Just a quick thing everybody says be in no contact nor have I checked her social medis
Trimmer Posted December 14, 2014 Posted December 14, 2014 Thanks trimmer appreciate that I'm feeling ok with those thoughts Now I can put in some hours on the other lady in my life My PS4 Without getting moaned at You do realize he was being sarcastic. Right? I was well aware of the sarcasm Well, honestly, it was kinda half and half - let's call it gentle sarcasm. On one hand, it seems unusual for someone who was just saying you were having trouble dealing with the images to simply "flip the switch" a day later. On the other hand, if you think you're doing OK, and you're truly being honest with yourself and not fooling yourself, and you're really not in any distress any more, I'm not going to go off on a rant and yell at you that you should be in pain, because this is the only way to do it, yada yada yada... If you're really doing fine, and you keep doing fine, then there's no issue. If it all comes back around on you again and you find that you are having some trouble dealing, then check back in and we'll be here to support you - I think you know what the advice will be at that point. (And that was, once again, only very gentle sarcasm, my friend.) But hell, if you're doing OK, I'm not going to try to talk you out of it. Just make sure you're really doing OK, and not fooling yourself, or getting stuck, held back, and failing to truly move forward.
Author DontBreak Posted December 14, 2014 Author Posted December 14, 2014 Thankyou trimmer I really do mean that All I can go on is how I feel as of right now The past is something I can't change But honestly Thankyou
Trimmer Posted December 14, 2014 Posted December 14, 2014 Thankyou trimmer I really do mean that All I can go on is how I feel as of right now The past is something I can't change But honestly Thankyou Good luck, man. But do watch for that "junkie" syndrome, where you end up "feeling better" because you get a little fix of the stuff, but in the big picture, getting that little occasional fix that makes you feel better is actually dragging you backwards and down - or at least holding you back. Just make sure you are really continuing to move forward, on to the next stages of your life. This takes self-awareness and self-honesty.
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