Suicide, guilt, "true love," and future happiness.

[throwawa]

Here's the story. I will try to be as objective as possible.

 

I am the OM. I met the WS a few years before the affair and we became close friends. The WS and the BS lacked passion in their relationship and had tried many things to reignite this passion. They eventually agreed to an open marriage with rules. These rules included not having sex with the same person more than once, and not having sex with anybody they knew. I knew of this open marriage but not the rules. Me and WS agreed to have sex.

 

In May 2013, we had sex. She broke both rules - we had sex multiple times over the next week. I had a feeling we were both getting attached. At the end of the week, I left the city permanently. We remained friends and texted. Eventually she confessed to me that she was in love with me. That she had only fallen in love once before and that was with the BS. I recognized this was not good as I didn't want to break up their marriage. After a few weeks, she told me her feelings had faded away. I thought she had mistaken infatuation with love. We continued contact with each other from May 2013 to August 2013.

 

I eventually visited the city where she was staying. At this time she was not living with her BS because she was at university. The first few visits we remained friends. Sexual tension began to grow and selfishly we acted on it. I know we are both bad people for this. Before we started, I remember asking her what about her BS but the temptation pushed this aside. I asked her whether she would get a divorce from her BS even if I was not in the picture. She said yes. She told me that she had not been in love with the BS for a long time. We continued the affair. It became more emotional. I had started falling for her hard and she was in love with me. This all took place from August 2013 to May 2014.

 

From May 2014 to August 2014 she was moving back in with her BS. I had problems with this because I wanted her to myself. I asked her about the divorce and whether she was going to file immediately. She told me that she couldn't because her husband is going through residency and she didn't want to heap the stress of a divorce onto him during this time. We considered ending things, but we didn't. She promised me she would get a divorce at the end of August 2014 and would not have sex with the BS if I promised our relationship would become more serious. I agreed.

 

In August 2014, she told me that she didn't get a divorce and that they are instead "separated." I was really upset, but I wanted to give her time and be patient with her ending things with the BS. She told me she has been racked with guilt, and the least she could do is end the marriage as amicably as possible. Eventually she broke it to the BS that she wanted a divorce.

 

They tried to do NC from August 2014 to November 2014. In October 2014, the BS began contacting the WS telling her that she "owes" him and their marriage another chance, that she is his only source of emotional support in his life, and that he had been contemplating suicide. She told me this. I told her I didn't want him to kill himself, so go ahead and contact him. During this time me and her became a couple. We began referring to each other as boyfriend and girlfriend. Eventually she let him know of me, that we were in love, that they were getting a divorce, and that we had began making plans to live together. She told me and many of her friends that she didn't know she was capable of this type of love that we shared. They had this conversation multiple times. The stress and the guilt began to wear her down.

 

In November 2014, the WS attempted suicide. I woke up in the middle of the night to an email from her, addressed to her 6 closest friends, including me and the BS. I called the police and drove to the city she was in. I arrived at the hospital and the BS was already there. I was kept from seeing her during the hospital stay until her last day in the ICU. She told me she loved me and since she had awoke from her suicide attempt she knew she loved me and wanted to be with me forever. We began LC because she was constantly around the BS, who she didn't want to hurt anymore, and her family, who is obviously against the affair.

 

After the ICU and the psych ward, a decision had to be made about where she would stay while receiving outpatient treatment for her depression. She told me she didn't have much of a choice - either with her family, who she can't stand, or with the BS, in a city that she likes. Out of the two she chose to stay with the BS. We had little contact for about a week, with just the occasional "I love yous" etc. I told her that we needed to take a break so that she could get her head straight. I also thought because she was living with the BS, contact with me would likely just cause more stress. I didn't want that for her, so I did something I entirely didn't want to do - I broke up with her.

 

So we broke up. She took this pretty hard and I did too. We are both working through our emotions right now. About a week after the breakup and two weeks after her telling me she loved me in the ICU, we texted and emailed. She said that after she's had space, she thinks that we were not a good couple and that I was not good for her because I affect her too much - I give her really high highs and really low lows. She said that she loved me, that her heart aches for me, and that she cries when she thinks about me. She said that she didn't think I could provide her with the stability she needed to manager her depression. I responded with my opinion - that I disagree. I don't think she would have attempted suicide had the BS not piled on the guilt. That is probably unfair, as it was I as the OM that stepped into their marriage, and ironically the BS stepped into our relationship. I don't think our relationship had any serious problems. She might think differently. I also think her thoughts are being affected by the people who have contact with her - her family and her BS.

 

This is where we are at right now. She is living with the BS and, I'm assuming, is continuing outpatient therapy. I still want to be with her as I'm in love with her. She wants me to move on, not wait for her, and to live a happy life. Right now, I'm pining for her. I can't stop thinking about her. I have only broken NC to respond to points I disagree with in her emails. I want her to get better, that's a reason I'm staying away. I don't know what her relationship with the BS is right now. She also told me we need NC because the BS is shouldering her entire burden, even though he is hurt and feels betrayed, and that she can't be in contact with me while all this is taking place. She will be in the same city and possibly living with the BS at least until May, because she failed this semester, but is allowed to take courses at a satellite campus in that city.

 

I don't even know what to think right now. A part of me is angry at the BS for, what I feel, was burdening her with guilt and driving her to suicide. I do think the BS loves her though, so I don't think this was done intentionally - he was only fighting for his marriage. Another part of me is angry at her and myself for even starting this affair. I want them to work on their marriage but at the same time I want her now. I think we connect on a physical, intellectual, and emotional level - that we have chemistry he has never felt or hasn't felt with her husband for a long time. I don't think she could make a decision so I tried to make it for her - that I was leaving.

 

Now, I have second thoughts, I don't know that working on their marriage is the best idea. Is it possible for her to ignite these feelings she had with me in her marriage so that she feels fulfilled? I think no, but I'm not sure. I couldn't force myself to fall in love with someone. I feel like she's staying out of guilt. Because of that, I'm starting to convince myself that the best option would be for her to divorce her BS because she doesn't love him as a wife should. I also think that NC between me and her could benefit us in the future if we were to be together. That way we could focus on ourselves without the background of knowing our relationship started out of deceit.

 

Another part of me thinks this is none of my business. However, I feel like it is my business because we started a relationship. As you can see, every party is being torn in different directions. I want to be with her and I want her to be safe and I want her to be happy in the future. I'm thinking remaining NC and letting her first get healthy enough to manage the situation, and then letting them figure out what's going on in their marriage is my best option.

 

I am so confused. If anyone has been in a similar situation I would like to hear what was the outcome. What is your perspective on this situation? Am I doing the right thing? What is she thinking?

[Rainbowlove]

You have got to step out of this entirely.

 

You are NOT her responsibility. You may love her, but she is clearly unstable and there is nothing you can do to save or help her.

 

She has got to take the steps for herself. Therapy right now is crucial for her and if you are in the picutre at all, you are in her way.

 

Also, you are not seeing this situation very clearly b/c you are emotionally involved. One thing I never understood, even as a wayward spouse, is the anger WS feel towards the BS.

 

Is that jealousy speaking?

 

Back of 100%. Get yourself some therapy. No Contact from here on out until you can see how toxic and dangerous this relationship is.

 

One day at a time, man. Be strong, be firm, let her go.

[NateGrey]

Ask yourself why you want to be with the type of scum who would cheat on her husband with you. Why do you want any sort of meaningful relationship with such a person? You realize, surely, that any relationship that begins with one person stepping out of their spouse is either doomed to fail..or merely doomed to have the same mistakes repeated(i.e. YOU become the next dude she betrays).

 

So I have to honestly ask what you love about a person you know is a cheater? What is there to love about someone so selfish? Are you attracted to selfish women? If so, why are you attracted to selfish women and not those who possess dignity, and self respect? Were I you..these would be the questions I ask myself. WHY do I want to be with such a person so badly? What is it about me personally that causes me to want to reach out to someone who is not fit to hold my heart? It's not like you didn't know the type of person she was right from the start, so you can't say you fell for the facade she put forth, you knew straight up this was a cheater.

[stillcold]

That was quite a read I must say. You're definitely in a pretty big dilemma and the answer to whether or not you are doing the right thing is something you fear because you don't want to accept it. Here's how I see it:

 

1) You care for her, therefore, you let her go back to her BS and hope she gains her sanity through therapy but still intend to be with her after, which is not going as you planned.

 

2) The open marriage situation led to the affair, stress and life kicked in, she had a mental breakdown, now she thinks your relationship has a lot do to with it, pressure from family and friends and husband to end it as well, and this traumatic life event is now causing her to end it with you whether or not she truly feels that way though she may think she does.

 

3) In the end, this is a sloppy mess cause in the end, you're still in an a full-blown affair with a WW since the BH does not approve of this arrangement. And you must let her go cause trust me, her willing to cheat with you and etc. just reflects her character; what if the romance dies down in your relationship with her in the future? You know she cheated once on her H, then she will probably do the same on you.

 

4) The connection you two had is more than anything an excitement on her end that she is engaging in immoral behavior; the rush from it contributed to her emotions a lot, or else if you were to have met normally, I doubt that intensity would have been so extreme.

 

In the end, end it. Move on. Life went on before she was there, and it will continue to do so.

[TrustedthenBusted]

Dude... let her and her husband work it out. If they decide to split, and you want her, do it straight up. If they stay together, have some respect and leave them alone.

[Be_Strong]

Moral of this story is that even where there is an open marriage arrangement between spouses it's still a really bad idea for an OM/OW to get involved. Don't get hooked on a person unless they are completely 100% free of any and all other relationships! There's enough totally available people in the world that it makes no sense to deal with all of the complications of an already committed person.

 

To answer the OP's request for advice, sit back and wait to see what happens, but in the mean time you should be completely NC. You confess that you love her so much, but all your thoughts are selfish right now. Is she a more stable, healthier person now than when you started the affair? No, she isn't. Because affairs can be toxic and cause an enormous amount of trauma. You are the most unhealthy influence in her life right now, and if this was true love you had for her, you'd completely remove yourself from her life.

[whichwayisup]

Respectfully, you need to back off and leave them alone.

 

When the time comes she is well again, then talk and see where things stand but for now, for a long while you need to let go of her and allow her husband to take care of her.

 

Everything has changed now so I hope you can still focus on your own life, friends and get busy. I know you care about her but it isn't your place to get involved. Last thing she needs to deal with is a jealous and hurt affair partner. She has to look out for herself now and get well again. She is not in a good place, she attempted suicide so this is very serious. Her husband has to be the one to look after her now.

[Silveron]

She said that she loved me, that her heart aches for me, and that she cries when she thinks about me. She said that she didn't think I could provide her with the stability she needed to manager her depression. I responded with my opinion - that I disagree. I don't think she would have attempted suicide had the BS not piled on the guilt. That is probably unfair, as it was I as the OM that stepped into their marriage, and ironically the BS stepped into our relationship. I don't think our relationship had any serious problems. She might think differently. I also think her thoughts are being affected by the people who have contact with her - her family and her BS.

 

 

--------

 

 

Wow, just wow. How selfish can you be? She is telling you what SHE needs and you continue to be complete self-serving thinking what YOU know best for her? She tried to KILL herself because of you! You NEVER had a relationship with her, you BRAINWASHED her. You took someone who had issues and pounced on the prey.

 

 

If you care about her at all, you will leave her alone for the rest of her life. Continuing this is only hurting her and if you think even if she leaves her husband for you and moves in with you that your relationship will be good, then you are mistaken. If a 'relationship' as you call it, starts under this much stress and drama then it will not last long.

 

 

This woman needs major therapy and what you have been doing is causing more harm than anything. Back off, she is wanting it! Stop playing mind games and find counseling for yourself.

[throwawa]

OP here. Thanks for the replies. It has confirmed what I knew all along. She thanked me for breaking up with her. She said she would have been unable to do it herself. I am emotionally invested, and in a moment of weakness tried to back pedal, but she is determined that for her to get better we need to cut contact, that this is officially over, and we're not just taking a break. I appreciate that she can do that for herself. It is the best for the both of us. She said she hopes we can be friends, and one day get back to where we were, but right now she is unable to cope with our relationship and needs as few stressors as possible. I understand that. That's why I broke up with her and suggested no contact indefinetly in the first place. The only communication I have had with her is to respond to issues I disagree with in emails she has sent me. I'm still not sure whether I should have voiced my disagreement, but what's done is done. I don't plan on contacting her and am hoping she finds the strength she needs.

 

I knew this woman as a close friend before the affair began. We had been good friends for 4 to 5 years. She told me she hasn't loved her husband for a long time. She told me that she was getting a divorce. She told her husband she wanted a divorce. She told me she would get a divorce whether I was there or not. When she later went back on this proposition, that is when we both should've ended things. I think we were too caught up in each other.

 

I think the intensity of her feelings for me were influenced because it was an affair. But, I also think her feelings became genuine and grounded in reality when we let others know that her plan was to get a divorce and be with me. Her friends were not surprised. The affair was no longer secretive, it felt like normal relationships we had in the past. From my perspective, the time the affair was no longer a secret, were our strongest moments of being together.

 

Her suicide attempt was completely unexpected. That weekend I introduced her to my parents, and things were normal. I don't think it's fair to blame anyone for her suicide attempt. Suicide is not a rational reaction to any problem in life. I received a lot of the blame because the affair, an affair that we both pursued, was a major factor in her suicide attempt. I don't think her attempt was from our relationship itself because we were happy together. I think the tension between hurting her husband and being with me was the reason for her suicide attempt. Her husband was fighting for their marriage and that increased the guilt she felt. The guilt rose to a level that became so unbearable she believed she didn't deserve love from anyone and attempted suicide. I'm not blaming him nor do I blame myself. No one is to blame. There were many things that could have prevented this situation. That is just my opinion.

 

I know that I am a trigger for her, but she has also told me that seeing him everyday and him being her caretaker also does not help relieve the guilt she feels. I think she should live with her parents until she has enough clarity to make decisions for herself. However, that avenue is potentially dangerous because of the lack of stability in that home (psychotic tiger mom). That is troubling to me.

 

It looks like everyone is in unanimous agreement that breaking up and cutting contact was the right thing to do. I will of course remain NC, but I can't help pining over her, and worrying about her health and future happiness.

Edited December 12, 2014 by throwawa

[NateGrey]

Here is further proof breaking up was the right thing to do: this woman claims she wants to work on her marriage, yet also says she would of never been able to break up with you. So, a contradiction right there. Women who want to work on their marriage should have no qualms dumping the guy they betrayed their spouse for.

 

Honestly, I feel bad for the husband. He has no clue the type of woman he is truly with. He is the true victim, and it looks like he will continue to be since he apparently lacks the backbone to get her out of his life. I just can't fathom how a woman saying she loves her H and wants to work on things would also admit she could of never dumped the guy she cheated with.

[throwawa]

OP here. It's been 10 days. Almost caved in once or twice but haven't broken NC. Heard from a friend she's taking H to the hotel we had booked and promised each other we would stay at for new years. That hurt. I am leaving the country in 3 weeks. Was considering giving her a call before I left. Might be pointless. Sounds like they are trying to work on their M. Feel lied to.

[FusionCutter]

OP here. It's been 10 days. Almost caved in once or twice but haven't broken NC. Heard from a friend she's taking H to the hotel we had booked and promised each other we would stay at for new years. That hurt. I am leaving the country in 3 weeks. Was considering giving her a call before I left. Might be pointless. Sounds like they are trying to work on their M. Feel lied to.

 

Newsflash. She's lying to you and her husband.

 

But unlike her husband, you really have no ground to be mad on her lying to you.

 

You lied to yourself and you let yourself down.

[irishguy]

I think she will always mess you around , so for your own good its best to cut contact with her completely .

[Trotters]

Post some more questions or answer some so I can PM you

[Trotters]

Sorry meant to say you PM me.