Ex slept w/ someone during 3-day "break"...When will I get over it?

[oasisfancortes]

My ex and I were having problems for about a month and half prior to us splitting up. We started dating last Xmas, and were seeing each other a lot until school started, when we saw each other once a week.

 

My gf and I would have little arguments on a monthly basis.

Sometimes, it was about stuff I had to work on, like my maturity; other times, she was just being moody, and would apologize for the outbursts.

 

She'd always tell me stuff and was honest with me, like if someone made a move on her, or she felt uncomfortable with stuff. She was a good communicator of her feelings and addressing them to me. I never really communicated much b/c I didn't have much to complain about or nothing worth getting into an argument over.

 

She said grew tired of my immaturity, and although she thanked for me everything else I did, she felt unsatisfied with the things she specifically asked me to work on, in which I did not do enough to improve in.

She also admitted having feelings for someone else, and told me the night after she realized it. And after going back and forth on what I thought was unfair of her to inflict that emotional damage to me, and her saying some harsh stuff and saying it was because I didn't do enough to change the little things (I admittedly could have improved on easily, specifically my maturity), we mutually decided to split on a Friday, and work on ourselves, although I emphasized I still wanted her, even as friends, because I felt partially responsible for her falling out of love with me.

 

We actually went back and forth the next day, Saturday, but at the end of the day, she wanted to stay separate.

 

I still felt like it was unfair, although I felt guilty of losing her. Anyway...

 

She calls me 2 days later, says she slept with the coworker she told me she had feelings for, and admitted everything she complained about wasn't fair and that I was right, and was crying because she realized she was wrong after the sex, and that she acted on impulse, and basically begged me to take her back.

 

I took her back, one and off for a month and a half. One day I was all for it, the other I wasn't. She call me and try to persuade me to stay and I'd stay. But everyday it bugged me. Finally after thanksgiving, we were playfighting and I lightly tapped her on the mouth (NOT ON PURPOSE). It was an accident and she said she was bothered but i didnt apologize bc i was mad at her still and stubborn, which was not right on my part. I felt bad, and she was angry. I tried telling her i felt bad bc it was from me being mad but she didn't understand til way later. We argued the next day, and didn't speak to each other for a week and I started to feel better.

 

...Until she came back to me, and wanted to see me again. But she admitted she slept with the guy again after telling him what happened. She said she'd thought she'd never see me again and was mad at me...So I thought Id give it ANOTHER SHOT. Yes. I did.

 

Anyway, I continue to get bothered about small stuff. And she finally realizes why I didn't apologize to her for tapping her and gets really mad at me again. I tried visiting her at work but she didn't seem too happy about it. I tell her im bothered, she says she didn't want to show affection at work and not want anyone to know "her business"...I didn't get the reaction I wanted.

 

I tell her I couldn't be with her anymore, she says ok, but I get mad again.

A few days later I become weak, try to see her but she ignores me for a few days until she says "You deserve better, and I can't be with you or (the other guy)".

 

I am moving on. But because I always feel guilty, I feel like I contributed to me being unhappy and this position. I have to find another job because she and the other guy work there, and Id feel uncomfortable being there with them.

 

I feel like crap, but I'm getting better. Why do I keep beating myself up?

[Ducky71]

You keep beating yourself up because you're normal! Don't worry with it!

 

 

Be glad that this person is out of your life, she's friggin' toxic bro!!

 

 

Occupy your mind and these feelings will pass, you might be surprised how quickly you'll be able to move on.

 

 

Best wishes!

[xUnknown]

Yeah man, this girl is no good. Clearly she and the relationship have been putting stress on you.

 

Relax, you're in the clear now.

 

She slept with someone while she was on a break...for 3 days. She's wanted to sleep with him, but didn't want to cheat. This was her way around that. She still felt guilty. Though, not guilty enough to do it again.

 

You are better off, and you do deserve better. Keep telling yourself that. All of us can see it, though, it will take some time for you to see it yourself. Keep pressing forward.

[evanescentworld]

If she's your ex, there's no point thinking about all this any further. She's gone, it's over, move on. Waste of time even thinking about it....

[Chi townD]

Yeah, right. And she has the gall to call you immature? She would fight with you because YOU didn't change things about YOURSELF fast enough for her? Dude, you shouldn't have to "change" yourself for anybody! If you want to change, you do it for yourself and no one else.

 

 

And do you know what's sick about her wanting you to change? She was probably trying to get you to change to be more like the guy she was crushing on.

 

 

So, she wanted to take a "break" from you. And WITHIN 72 HOURS she was in bed with this guy. Yeah, that should have shown you how much respect she had for you and your relationship. Do you know what I think? I think this guy looked at your girl as nothing more than a booty call. He just hit it and quit it. When she realized that's all she wanted from her, she came running back to what's familiar, what's safe and secure for her (meaning you).

 

 

You take her back, but do you want to know what she was doing? She was still working this other dude behind your back. Still in contact and still trying to get this guy more committed to her. Then, he starts showing interest in her again (i.e. he got horny again) and as soon as he started showing interest, She pick ANY excuse to fight with you so she could get round two with this guy. So, she picks getting ACCIDENTIALLY popped during a playfight as her excuse.

 

 

Dude, you need to walk away from this girl . Do not look back. Just keep walking.

[oldshirt]

Let me guess, this is one of your first 'real' girlfriends and one of the first girls with whom you've had a steady sexlife with right?

 

 

I'll tell you a few things I wish someone older and wiser had shared with me when my first 'real' relationship started going South.

 

 

Read my responses in bold below.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

My gf and I would have little arguments on a monthly basis.

Sometimes, it was about stuff I had to work on, like my maturity;

 

 

In other words you had to "change." and more specifically you had to stop thinking, acting and responding like a guy and were supposed to start thinking, acting and responding like a chick.

Here is what you will realize awhile down the road - you two were never compatible or meant to be together for any length of time in the first place. You were just trying to change and to stay with her because she was the first steady supply of poontang that you had.

I don't mean that in a bad way, we all do it to one degree or another. my point here is that this relationship needs to die a natural death.

 

 

 

 

other times, she was just being moody, and would apologize for the outbursts.

 

and how hard was she trying to change that??????? Hmmmm????

 

 

 

 

She'd always tell me stuff and was honest with me, like if someone made a move on her, or she felt uncomfortable with stuff.

 

 

young attractive women get hit on every day. They pretty much feel 'uncomfortable' about something every day too.

 

 

 

 

She was a good communicator of her feelings and addressing them to me. I never really communicated much b/c I didn't have much to complain about or nothing worth getting into an argument over.

 

 

 

 

That's what having a penis and testicles does to you. She was just trying to get you to take them off.

 

 

 

She said grew tired of my immaturity, and although she thanked for me everything else I did, she felt unsatisfied with the things she specifically asked me to work on, in which I did not do enough to improve in.

 

 

 

 

I'll translate all that gobblety-gook for you - she thinks you are a decent person and a nice guy but you aren't "the one" and you aren't a chick. You didn't quite rock her world enough to be her dream guy and she was trying to turn you into another one of her girlfriends and you sucked at being a girlfriend because you are...well.... a guy.

 

 

 

 

She also admitted having feelings for someone else, and told me the night after she realized it.

 

 

she told you once things had developed with this other dude to a point she realized she stood a chance with him.

 

 

 

 

And after going back and forth on what I thought was unfair of her to inflict that emotional damage to me,

 

 

that's too much bleeding from your mangina. you need to stick a tampon up there and stop your whining and drive on.

She was at least being upfront with you and trying to do the right thing. yeah it sucked to hear but it wasn't unfair and even though it hurt and will leave a little mark for awhile, you aren't damaged.

 

 

 

 

 

 

and her saying some harsh stuff and saying it was because I didn't do enough to change the little things (I admittedly could have improved on easily, specifically my maturity),

 

 

That was just her pushing back from you making her feel slutty. She has to justify her feelings and actions so she is going to grasp at any straw she can.

 

 

 

 

we mutually decided to split on a Friday,

 

 

that was a good move. you pretty much blew it later though.

 

 

 

 

and work on ourselves, although I emphasized I still wanted her, even as friends, because I felt partially responsible for her falling out of love with me.

 

 

 

 

Get a bigger tampon, that mangina is really flowing.

Look, I know you weren't ready to split quite yet but as long as you weren't abusing her or mistreating her or kicking her kitten, you aren't really to blame for her falling out of love with you.

As much as she was wanting you to change and morph into someone else, she was never really IN love with you. You cannot be held responsible for not being another person.

To put it simply - this was never meant to be.

 

We actually went back and forth the next day, Saturday, but at the end of the day, she wanted to stay separate.

 

I still felt like it was unfair, although I felt guilty of losing her. Anyway...

 

 

 

 

It's normal and natural to be sad and to mourn the loss of a relationship, but in the absence of abuse or addiction or infidelity or mistreatment on your part, you have nothing to feel guilty over.

 

She calls me 2 days later, says she slept with the coworker she told me she had feelings for, and admitted everything she complained about wasn't fair and that I was right, and was crying because she realized she was wrong after the sex, and that she acted on impulse, and basically begged me to take her back.

 

 

 

 

OK, here is where we pull up our big boy pants and learn about how the world really works.

What really happened here was she had the hots for this dude. He banged her. and then she realized he was just in it for the putinanny and he wasn't going to be her Prince Charming and ride off into the sunset with her. She was just a pump and dump for him.

She called you because he left her feeling used and thrown out with yesterdays trash and she called you because she knew you'd fawn all over her and tell her how wonderful she is and how much you want her and that stroked her bruised ego and soothed her little broken heart.

To put it more bluntly, you were her emotional tampon to help soak up her bleeding jay-jay after this guy left it all trashed out.

 

 

 

I took her back, one and off for a month and a half. One day I was all for it, the other I wasn't.

 

 

that is because at first you felt like the victor that won the prize and beat out the other guy.

But the next day you'd realize that you were the emotional tampon and the safe second choice that was sitting in reserve on the shelf as the fall-back guy.

 

 

 

 

She call me and try to persuade me to stay and I'd stay. But everyday it bugged me.

 

 

that's because deep down, you know she had the hots for him more but he wouldn't have her full time and so she "settled" for you.

 

 

 

 

 

 

Finally after thanksgiving, we were playfighting and I lightly tapped her on the mouth (NOT ON PURPOSE). It was an accident and she said she was bothered but i didnt apologize bc i was mad at her still and stubborn, which was not right on my part. I felt bad, and she was angry. I tried telling her i felt bad bc it was from me being mad but she didn't understand til way later. We argued the next day, and didn't speak to each other for a week and I started to feel better.

 

 

 

OK I am going to get real serious here. I don't know what really went down, but we are all going to assume it was nothing like what you are trying to dance around here, so lets just say you are probably lucky that you didn't have some kind of assault charges on you and are lucky her daddy and her brothers didn't come and give you the beat down. So lets just say that things have gone too far here and that it is time to just walk away from the whole situation and just let her go before something really bad happens.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

...Until she came back to me, and wanted to see me again. But she admitted she slept with the guy again after telling him what happened.

 

 

So now that we've established that she is just a skanky ho that goes off and bangs dudes that she already knows are just out for poontang so that they can now be her emotional tampon for when things go wrong with guy she thought was always going to love her no matter how bad she treats him, why are you even talking to her at all anymore????

 

 

She said she'd thought she'd never see me again and was mad at me

 

 

 

 

and that would be the best thing that can ever come out of this situation..

 

 

 

 

...So I thought Id give it ANOTHER SHOT. Yes. I did.

 

 

(back ground incidental music going - ' dumb dumb dumb dumb dumb!!)

 

Anyway, I continue to get bothered about small stuff.

 

 

Another life lesson here - when people start getting annoyed and bothered by little things, it means that they have lost respect and admiration and attraction for that person. It means that the relationship is on it's last few breaths and needs to die a natural death with grace and dignity.

If you are annoyed by the way someone breathes or the way giggle or smack their lips or just do the things they regularly do as an individual, it means it's time to move on. It doesn't mean that they are a bad person or that they have butt-raped your puppy or anything. It just means that you no longer hold them in esteem enough to maintain an intimate relationship with them any more and that it's time for each of you to move on.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

And she finally realizes why I didn't apologize to her for tapping her and gets really mad at me again.

 

 

no, she realizes she was assaulted. you need to realize that too even though things may have just got a little out of hand from your perspective.

 

 

 

 

I tried visiting her at work but she didn't seem too happy about it. I tell her im bothered, she says she didn't want to show affection at work and not want anyone to know "her business"...I didn't get the reaction I wanted.

 

 

 

 

you are now her dirty little secret. She doesn't want people at work to know she's still involved with you. She is either still gaming this other dude or she wants to be back on the market and doesn't want you interfering with any other potential opportunities she is working at the moment.

 

I tell her I couldn't be with her anymore, she says ok, but I get mad again.

A few days later I become weak, try to see her but she ignores me for a few days until she says "You deserve better, and I can't be with you or (the other guy)".

 

I'm going to side with her on this one, you do deserve better. Everyone does. This relationship has turned sour and it's toxic and detrimental to everyone involved. You had some fun times and there are some fond memories. I know you weren't ready for it to end yet but it has been on a downhill spiral for months and it's only getting worse and more toxic.

you need to walk away before something bad happens and before someone says or does something that will leave lasting damage and scars.

A break up is much like a death and often times needs to be treated like one. you need to mourn and cry, go through the grief stages and then bury it and move on with your own life.

You need to let this go and start moving on.

 

 

 

 

I am moving on.

 

 

not yet youre not, but you really need to start working on that.

 

 

 

 

But because I always feel guilty, I feel like I contributed to me being unhappy and this position.

 

 

you have nothing to feel guilty for. She was out of line and out of place to try make you into something you are not. You can't assign blame for not accomplishing something that you shouldn't have been doing in the first place.

 

 

 

 

I have to find another job because she and the other guy work there, and Id feel uncomfortable being there with them.

 

 

 

 

that's fine.

 

Why do I keep beating myself up?

 

 

The reason you are beating yourself up is this was one of your first loves and it turned sour and fell apart and now you are feeling like this was your one big chance at love and it failed and you feel that now you are going to die cold and alone and starving.

That's a completely false notion. you may have a few lonely nights and you may even shed a few tears in the upcoming days and maybe even weeks. but it good time you will be getting out and doing fun things and hanging with friends etc and before too long someone else will come along that catches your eye all will be fine again.

 

 

I'm 50 years old and went though this exact same thing when I was your age and then turned around and did several more times over the years and I always survived just fine and always came away a little stronger and wiser. ......no, make that A LOT stronger and wiser.

And you will too.

 

 

 

 

 

see above in bold.

[Chi townD]

Anyway, I continue to get bothered about small stuff. And she finally realizes why I didn't apologize to her for tapping her and gets really mad at me again. I tried visiting her at work but she didn't seem too happy about it. I tell her im bothered, she says she didn't want to show affection at work and not want anyone to know "her business"...I didn't get the reaction I wanted.

 

 

 

 

 

I also find this paragraph funny. She gets mad at you for not apologizing for the playfight? Well, how about her apologizing for f*cking someone else!!!!

 

 

You show up at her work and she's not thrilled to see you. Come on, dude. Take a scientific wild ass guess as to why? Because she works with the guy she's screwing. She probably told him that she never got back together with you. Also explains why she didn't show any affection towards you, because her co-workers were probably told that she wasn't with with you. SO, her cuddling up or kissing you would get back to the guy she's sleeping with.

 

 

Dude, this bitch is nuts. Run!

[sober and dry]

oldshirt you just know it all and made it pretty clean to understand many, many important stuff for my own life, thank you!

oasisfancortes just keep strong and getting stronger, read very carefully everything oldshirt said and you will be on the way sooner than you think!