how do you cope when you have been blindsided?

[Dobie]

How did /do you cope when someone you love who you never though would or could changes into someone else someone ruthless , cold and cruel and hurts you in a way you never thought or saw coming when they go from jekyl to Hyde? All BU hurt but in talking about when u have seen your partner transform into someone else you never thought possible?

Edited December 11, 2014 by Dobie

[Ronni_W]

For me, it made it easier, I think. My initial assessment of him was waayyyy off, was the truth of it -- whether I was stupid, wrong, mistaken, naive, gullible, REALLY stupid, or all-of-the-above; it didn't really make any difference because, in the end, that part of him was there and had always been there...but for whatever reason, I just didn't see it and/or he did a great job of hiding it for the length of time that he did. Ultimately, I was happier to find out when I did, rather than any time later.

 

It's okay to hope that they will, for their own sake, come up a bit higher in consciousness...but that's for them to choose if and when. I sent him on his way, and just sent the Light after him. It's all -- and the best -- we can do for them.

[Danda]

I think I understand what you mean. It's a unique type of pain, because it's not like the two of you were in love and then one or both fell out, or something happened that changed things, or you lost them to someone else, or whatever.

 

But instead it's the realization that the person you loved never actually existed, that you were deceived and fell for an illusion.

 

I've read it described as "emotional rape" when a person love bombs and mirrors you and tricks you into thinking that they are your perfect match and that they are so happy to have found you. The conditioning typically causes you to (often rapidly) develop intense trust and emotional intimacy, only to have it pulled out from under you as a massive illusion.

 

It's the typical experience being emotionally seduced by a PD like ASPD/NPD/BPD, and while you can make a case for at least a non-malignant narcissist or a borderline that they are disordered and pained and probably never wanted to hurt anyone - frankly it doesn't change the way you will have experienced everything. It hurts just the same and in the same eerie, nightmarish way.

 

In really bad cases some therapy might be needed. But I think first and foremost you have to face the reality that you were deceived and that you fell for it, and that this doesn't mean you were stupid or that you deserved it, and that your pain makes sense - so that then you can start to process it.

 

My opinion, anyway.

[Ronni_W]

But instead it's the realization that the person you loved never actually existed, that you were deceived and fell for an illusion.

Yes...and no . The part of him that I fell in love with DID also exist; it was co-existing, I guess. My illusion -- and it was my own -- was that the other part of him could not possibly exist. (Lesson for me: always leave open the space for the "impossible" to become possible and/or, I will never know what I don't know, so I'd better stop assuming/ thinking/believing that I know everything! So...the whole experience was worth it, in the end.)

[Dobie]

cool analysis, i was blinded till the BU but now in looking back and seeing the red flags i should have looked out for.

[Danda]

Yes...and no . The part of him that I fell in love with DID also exist; it was co-existing, I guess. My illusion -- and it was my own -- was that the other part of him could not possibly exist. (Lesson for me: always leave open the space for the "impossible" to become possible and/or, I will never know what I don't know, so I'd better stop assuming/ thinking/believing that I know everything! So...the whole experience was worth it, in the end.)

 

Well I'd say half the time when we pseudo-psychologists drop terminology like NPD and so on, it's sort of like a covering-butts tactic. I'm not a professional, and I'd say at least half the time when any of us think someone else has a personality disorder, we're probably wrong lol. Hell we might even be projecting half the time.

 

But I always like to mention the possibility for the poor lads and lasses out there who really did have a run-in with a PD, just in case, because it really is some head-wrecking stuff.

[d0nnivain]

Even though you were blindsided, for me, I'd over-analyze it & try to figure out what I missed. Like many I'm great at beating myself up over stuff that really isn't my fault.

 

Since you say you are now seeing the red flags in hind-sight you try to remember what they looked like so if you encounter them in the future you won't miss them again.

[jphcbpa]

Good books that helped me...

 

Journey from Abandonment to Healing

 

He's Scared, She's Scared

[AaronSG]

I personally think you've asked one of the many "million dollar" questions, in regards to how certain breakup's or separations go!

 

Little over 4.5 months ago, I shared your same concern in this area...."they we're nice yesterday, now they have turning into a Frankensteins Monster!" Also chronically asking myself, "what got into them" and "why the sudden change in mood and behaviors" and thinking "where the hell did this attitude and nastiness come from"! These type of thoughts all played out in my mind, kept asking myself where the heck did this sudden change with my ex-faince come from?

 

Towards the end of our almost 2 year relationship, being engaged for 13 months of that, I to thought the attitude, behaviors and choices my ex-faince was exhibiting were sudden, fast changing, fast moving and almost "out of no where"! Personally in my opinion my ex-faince became a totally different person all together, than the person I once knew and fell in love with. And the things she did towards the end was a total 180! Where once my ex-fiance cherished and valued our privacy, she ended our relationship right in front of my Mother and some of her Office staff at my Mom's home after a backyard office BBQ pool party back in July. Where once my ex-faince would only have nice things to say to people, almost to a fault, ((pow)) nothing but nasty things to say, jaded things to say, unexplained choices and behaviors, the list could go on!

 

But you know something, and you might not want to hear this, but in my honest opinion these "out of no where" changes just don't happen over night, nope, they don't. I have had now little over 4.5 months to have been separated from the situation, my ex-faince is no longer with me to have distracted my thinking, I've had time to communicate with both friends and family about the events that transpired, I've had plenty of time to talk to my psychiatrist and my therapist and to hear peoples story's about broken relationships inside the meeting halls of my various support groups I attend, and you want to know what? I have kind of learned the 'hard way" that these out of no where changes that our loved ones can do upon us aren't usually a all of a sudden thing, the events that lead up to most were gradual, almost non-detectable, these changes came on slowly and almost morphed themselves into the very fabric of my normal daily landscape!

 

I learned at least in my situation, after I was shown by others how these changes came along, when they noticed that the changes with my ex-faince started, and I was shown and told in peoples honest opinions what those changes were doing to our love life. Many of the examples my friends and family and trained professionals pointed out, at first I didn't believe it, no way, I'm a smart guy I would have seen the warning signs and the build up to my ex-fiance's massive change! For myself it was pointed out that I almost might not have seen any warning signs or as they like to call them around here, the "red flags", and everyone agree's that I might not have seen the "red flags" or at least maybe the reasons if I did see them I choose to do nothing about it was all because of just a couple things......I had the blinders of love on, I was wearing the rose colored glasses of love and in the end, I was simply in love!

 

Through talks with friends and family and talking with the trained professionals I now have come to see the many, and I mean many "red flags" that were waving in the wind right in front of my own face! I learned that sometimes love can blind us to the real truth, blind us to the point that we are unable to see what's really there and sometimes in front of our own faces, sometimes love can make us rationalize the slight changes that are taking place with our loved ones, through love some things can be easily explained away, easily looked away from and sometimes love can make us easily not deal with things, things that left unattended to can build up like a ticking time bomb or powder keg and one of these day's go off............when it goes off, that's when we think "whoa there, what the heck, where did these fast and sudden and out of no where changes come from"?

 

But I learned in order for a ticking time bomb or powder keg to go off, it would require a blasting cap, a trigger event, something major would need to happen in order to get a mild person to go all radical on us, something needed to have happened to have been the "straw that broke the camels back" and set off the spark that triggered the bomb to go off. For myself what ended my relationship and was the "trigger event" if you will was the fact that shortly before the breakup I had stopped the out bound flow of our money, which month after month after month was going to my ex-faince's parents! Shortly after drawing that line in the sand and saying "no more" and pointing out we had our own personal money issues to tend with, after I did that "blasting cap" was armed.

 

Within a few short weeks, after many secret conversations she had with her parents, who now all thought of me not as a viable asset like I was, they all thought of me now as a walking liability, they egged her, coached her, influenced her and almost boarder line guilt tripped her into leaving me and coming back home to live wit them. So all the little problems that happened along the way, problems or "red flags" that either by love, choice or stupidity that weren't dealt with, exposed and handled, those little thing at my Mom's house built up and turned into a explosion!

 

Then all of a sudden I was thinking "where the hell did this come from" and "wow, talk about coming out of left field" and "who the hell are you, I don't know you anymore"! My ex-faince went from "warm to cold" went from "caring to jaded" went from "always speaking kind thoughtful words to talking foul and rudely" and went from being "warm loving to bitter and hateful" all at what appeared to be at the drop of a dime!

 

But I've learned in these past 4.5 months that I'm almost as much guilty for my ex-fiance's radical changes in behaviors, moods, choices and conduct as she is! If I would have taken off the rose colored glasses, removed the blinders of love off my face and would have been responsible and would have handled situations as they presented themselves, I might still be engaged today! If I would have called her on her crap when I should have things might have been different now. If I would have chosen to deal with the "red flags" that all the flags had a propensity for the sociopathic, if I would have dealt with them, either the relationship would have ended through mutual terms or it might not have gone as far as bomb detonation inside my Mom's house!

 

But either way, your going through something pretty extreme here and I would suspect that these "sudden" changes have made the other person possibly someone hard to communicate with right now. If you suspect that this might truly be the "end" and if you think there isn't anything worth left to fight for, and if you think that it would only hurt you to try and talk to this person than I would personally recommend going "no contact" and leave this person alone!

 

I'm sorry to have possibly rambled on about some of the aspects of sometimes "we're always the last to know" and before we know it, sometimes by way of living with the rose colored glasses on, wearing the blinders of love and personal choice things might appear to be "all of sudden", but trust me, as more times goes by and you have time to think about all of this, you yourself may see there's more to this than meets the eye!

 

Take care, good luck and I hope for what it's worth, I hope this has been remotely helpful!

 

And remember, with all things, time is your friend, not the enemy!

[SycamoreCircle]

Blindsiding is immaturity.

 

Yes, there were warning signals that you didn't pick up on. But she chose to keep her problems a secret. Why? Probably because she knew she didn't have a very strong case. She knew she would look selfish.

 

People who care about other people and who care about themselves take the emotional responsibility to address problems openly. If they don't, they don't care about you. If they don't care about you, they probably don't love themselves. If you love yourself, you know that what you are feeling is valid and worthy of being expressed, even if it reveals your own faultiness to yourself.

[todreaminblue]

it made it easier for me to run......for six months i had no contact with him......he hurt me i couldnt even listen to music so he hurt me emotionally extremely badly.....he abandoned ridiculed and cut me off in every way financially...emotionally....so physically i did what i had to do which was run...i have a family to raise regardless of how badly i get treated so i had to put hurt feelings aside that i had to deal with the scars my family copped.....after six months he contacted me.....apologised.....and we built or rebuilt a working friendship from there......i figured out he hurt me as badly as he did to end a long relationship......that wasnt built to last....even though i would fight for it to continue....the only way to stop me fighting was to cut me off at the knees.....which he did.....he mutilated everything .....nearly killed me......to give up......but i did......

 

i am a fighter and it takes a lot to put me down......so when i do go down i go down spectacularly......in life in love and for my family and friends

 

 

but even more spectacular......is when i get back up.....which i did and am and always will..its why people who know me....love me....i am deserving of that love....i would fight to the end for it....the next guy who is with me......i know what i have to offer..thats how i cope...i do know my worth........deb

[Danda]

People who care about other people and who care about themselves take the emotional responsibility to address problems openly. If they don't, they don't care about you. If they don't care about you, they probably don't love themselves. If you love yourself, you know that what you are feeling is valid and worthy of being expressed, even if it reveals your own faultiness to yourself.

 

Hear/Read it all the time that you can't love someone else if you don't love yourself, but this is probably the best articulation as to why that is I've seen. Gotta QFT.