Bf of 5 years won't commit to moving in with me

[soyou]

I was in your bf position twice.

 

Both of my ex's wanted to move in with me but I refused to for two main reasons:

 

1) Even though I loved my ex's dearly, I was not 100% sure whether I'd like to commit the rest of my life with them. They are both great persons but some qualities I needed, they seemed to not have. I was waiting for a miracle to happen that one day I could change my mind and accept them fully and gracefully as who they are. Or they would change and have the qualities which I longed for.

 

2) I was very young (younger than 27). I felt like I still wanted my own freedom, do whatever I wanted to do, hang out/partied whenever I felt like to. Having another living to me seemed to be too much of a responsibility.

 

Both of my relationships lasted for a while but eventually we broke up. I'm so glad that I never agreeded to move in with anyone of them.

[Ruby Slippers]

I agree you're in a dead-end relationship. You want a more significant commitment; he does not. If he doesn't want that with you after 5 years (!), he's unlikely to change his mind.

 

If I were in your place, I would find my own new place and start down-shifting this relationship.

[BluEyeL]

It is time to move on. It's not easy but you'll see that you'll find someone else, it's a fact. Staying in a dead-end relationship is the best way to find yourself single and childless in your mid-thirties and beyond.

[acrosstheuniverse]

It's natural to feel hurt when someone doesn't want to take that step with you.

 

I was with a guy for four years before we moved in, both aged around 22/23 when we finally moved in... we split the same day. I realised that even when I got what I'd wanted for so long, the ship had sailed for me. I wanted so much to both be really excited about it and to want it together, but I wanted it so much for such a long time before he did, that when we took that step I couldn't get excited about it anymore or see a future. We actually ended up living together as exes for six months before the lease ran out.

 

By contrast, the next boyfriend after him we moved in after three months (were already friends for a couple years first and had been FWB for a few months before we got together), and my current partner I've been with since January, we started spending every night together after two or three months, and moved in officially during month six. Looking around me, I've realised that moving in from about six months to a year and a half seems average and normal. With four year guy I would spend ages telling myself that these other couples were rushing it, that we were taking it slow so it would last longer. With the right person, I realised that when you are truly completely into each other, you're having to hold back from taking that step because it just feels so right.

 

After FIVE years, he still isn't ready, he's never going to be ready. If he loved you and saw you together forever, he'd have been living with you a couple years ago even if he was afraid of losing his independence. You're wasting your time with him.

 

I remember myself splitting up with someone I'd been with six months, and thinking man back to the drawing board... I'd seen myself maybe living with the guy in six months to a year from that point. Six months later I was practically living with my new boyfriend in a much more fulfilling relationship than the one I'd just left.

 

If living with and then marrying someone is what you want long term (and living with someone you love really, really is bliss, for me at least), then you're not gonna get it with this guy. That's not to say you won't get it much more quickly with the next man you have a relationship with... and when it's with someone who's heading into it with as much enthusiasm and passion as you, it's a beautiful feeling. I actually held back from mentioning stuff like living together or anything too serious with my current boyfriend as I was afraid that every guy was as phobic of commitment as four-year-ex... so when he started to stay over every night a few months in and brought up the topic of living together as soon as we could, it was pretty wonderful.

 

Don't sell yourself short. What's really so good about this guy that you're willing to be strung along for years?

[hotpotato]

Hot potatoe you are being very harsh! His comitment issues are HIS issues, have nothing to do with me. Weve known eachother for middle school and I've been his friend while we were both in other relationships. If we broke up he 100% would not be moving quickly into a serious relationship.

 

That aside, to the other responders, reasons such as rent are more about why my timing is August. I do want to be with him forever and come home to him every day and share a place together. It certainly goes deeper than wanting to pay less . Those are just my logical, practical reasons. Didn't really get into the emotional side of how I feel in this post.

 

So hes known you for a lot more than 5 years but still wont commit.

 

Um, I tell you what. I dated a man who lived with a girl on and off for 10 years. They broke up, and after a mere 6 mos of dating me he proposed. I could have moved in with him right then and there if I had wanted. Its not that uncommon for an individual in a long term relationship to move on very quickly. Oh and he lived very far away from me, too. Dont think it happens? Ask that girl Johnny Depp dumped after ~ 14 yrs (then he tried to marry someone else).

 

Im not saying youre a bad person. Im saying maybe hes lukewarm wbout you.

[deathandtaxes]

Are you crazy? No. I think this relationship passed it's expiration date a few years ago. Why are you wanting to move in together after five years? What happened after the first, second, third, and fourth years? If it hasn't happened in five, it's not going to happen at all.

[NYCgirl88]

In terms of people saying it should have happened years ago... We started dating senior year of college. Moving in together isn't something that I was thinking about until probably like 6 months ago. I always wanted to live on my own first (and I moved out of my parents house before he did). So to me that isn't an issue that it didn't happen years ago, I didn't want it to. That does make it a bigger step for us now, because we (and especially he) has gotten very used to our relationship being the way it is. All of your concerns clearly concern me too or I wouldn't have written on here, but I can't discount the fact that I know him and you don't lol. I am very upset and it's a difficult situation but I can't just be like ok you don't agree with me so bye....

[acrosstheuniverse]

In terms of people saying it should have happened years ago... We started dating senior year of college. Moving in together isn't something that I was thinking about until probably like 6 months ago. I always wanted to live on my own first (and I moved out of my parents house before he did). So to me that isn't an issue that it didn't happen years ago, I didn't want it to. That does make it a bigger step for us now, because we (and especially he) has gotten very used to our relationship being the way it is. All of your concerns clearly concern me too or I wouldn't have written on here, but I can't discount the fact that I know him and you don't lol. I am very upset and it's a difficult situation but I can't just be like ok you don't agree with me so bye....

 

Then if you really have only just started wanting it six months or so ago, why not give him a mental deadline? Tell yourself if you're not living together this time next year, you'll walk. Don't tell HIM, because he may go along with it rather than lose you, which isn't the kind of circumstance you want to live with somebody for the first time under. I had a similar issue, I moved out of my parents' house a couple years before my ex, and he wanted to live with friends first too, which took us to four years. It's just that it really got to the point where I had been ready for so long, I was sick of waiting and all of the excitement and desire for it had worn off.

 

Every relationship is different and if for 4.5 years it genuinely worked for you both living apart, then that's nobody's business but yours. However, right now you want different things and it'll fester, especially if you feel like he's keeping you at arm's length.

 

Have you asked him WHEN he wants to move in together? It's not enough to say 'just not yet' when you're both affected by it. Sit him down to talk about this, don't let him just brush it off if it casually comes up in conversation. Tell him you are ready and you understand that he isn't, but you need to know what it's going to take for him to be ready, what he sees happening before you take that step.

 

You can then make an informed choice. You may find out that he sees it happening in a few months' time rather than right now, or it may come out that he NEVER wants to live with you and doesn't ever see himself settling down with anyone else either. If you allow the issue to be continually swept under the table you will waste many more years with the guy.

[chimpanA-2-chimpanZ]

You're right, his issues have nothing to do with you. So don't take it as "harsh" when other posters suggest you need to let this go. It's not a reflection on your value as a girlfriend or even a person. We are just saying what I'm sure you know but may not want to admit: this guy doesn't think you're the one.

 

Very few people actually fear commitment; they fear settling. If he thought you were what he really wanted, he'd be all over it. He'd be making Pinterest boards of your new place and bragging to his friends. The fact that he's so hesitant after five years should tell you all you need to know. He knows you better than anyone and he still doesn't think this is what he wants in the long term. You are essentially in a holding pattern and nothing will change until (not if, until) he finds the girl of his dreams. Honestly it's a good thing that he has enough self-awareness to keep himself from taking this step. The sooner you end this, the sooner you can both heal and move on.

 

Of course it's horribly disappointing. We all want to be The One to someone. But he's not the one unless it's mutual.

Edited December 11, 2014 by chimpanA-2-chimpanZ

[preraph]

I wouldn't wait for this guy. He's had plenty of time. 5 years is a long time not to advance the commitment. He's never going to. I do realize NYC, you live in small spaces, so someone like me wouldn't want to share one with someone either, but if he wanted to be together, he'd be finding a place where you could move in and he could still have some space.

[FitChick]

He probably likes partying with his roommates. God only knows what goes on.

[NYCgirl88]

He probably likes partying with his roommates. God only knows what goes on.

 

Haha but I party with them too!

[NYCgirl88]

Then if you really have only just started wanting it six months or so ago, why not give him a mental deadline? Tell yourself if you're not living together this time next year, you'll walk. Don't tell HIM, because he may go along with it rather than lose you, which isn't the kind of circumstance you want to live with somebody for the first time under. I had a similar issue, I moved out of my parents' house a couple years before my ex, and he wanted to live with friends first too, which took us to four years. It's just that it really got to the point where I had been ready for so long, I was sick of waiting and all of the excitement and desire for it had worn off.

 

Every relationship is different and if for 4.5 years it genuinely worked for you both living apart, then that's nobody's business but yours. However, right now you want different things and it'll fester, especially if you feel like he's keeping you at arm's length.

 

Have you asked him WHEN he wants to move in together? It's not enough to say 'just not yet' when you're both affected by it. Sit him down to talk about this, don't let him just brush it off if it casually comes up in conversation. Tell him you are ready and you understand that he isn't, but you need to know what it's going to take for him to be ready, what he sees happening before you take that step.

 

You can then make an informed choice. You may find out that he sees it happening in a few months' time rather than right now, or it may come out that he NEVER wants to live with you and doesn't ever see himself settling down with anyone else either. If you allow the issue to be continually swept under the table you will waste many more years with the guy.

 

I like this response! last night was literally the first time we actually talked about it. And I want to clarify he didn't give me a definite no but says it's something he needs to think about. I definitely am setting a deadline in my head , I have no intentions of waiting forever for him. Our conversation last night upaet me, but at the same time it's not like I've been waiting five years to move in with him. Like I said I didn't start thinking about it until a few months ago...

[NYCgirl88]

You're right, his issues have nothing to do with you. So don't take it as "harsh" when other posters suggest you need to let this go. It's not a reflection on your value as a girlfriend or even a person. We are just saying what I'm sure you know but may not want to admit: this guy doesn't think you're the one.

 

Very few people actually fear commitment; they fear settling. If he thought you were what he really wanted, he'd be all over it. He'd be making Pinterest boards of your new place and bragging to his friends. The fact that he's so hesitant after five years should tell you all you need to know. He knows you better than anyone and he still doesn't think this is what he wants in the long term. You are essentially in a holding pattern and nothing will change until (not if, until) he finds the girl of his dreams. Honestly it's a good thing that he has enough self-awareness to keep himself from taking this step. The sooner you end this, the sooner you can both heal and move on.

 

Of course it's horribly disappointing. We all want to be The One to someone. But he's not the one unless it's mutual.

 

It's not telling me to let him go that I think is harsh - it's telling me that he's going to move on with someone else really quickly! I don't think there's anything being said here that makes it relevant or necessary to say to me and sounds like it's just to upset me. If that was to happen it has nothing to do with me or the situation that I'm in.

[angel.eyes]

...at the same time it's not like I've been waiting five years to move in with him. Like I said I didn't start thinking about it until a few months ago...

 

The thing is, guys who see a lifetime future with you, would have pushed to progress things long before this. The fact that you were the one who finally brought it up five years into dating is a sign that you're on different pages. So is his brushing this off in previous attempts to have the discussion and his reluctance now. You've dated for five years, and it sounds as if you've known each other for a good decade. Excusing away his reaction and his reluctance won't change the reality of your situation.

 

Anyway, over and out. I wish you the best.

[CarrieT]

OP, I am going to refer to you an interesting article which I refer to as "Half Baked Brain Syndrome."

 

Read about it here.

 

The important part of the scientific study is that the frontal cortex - that part that easily helps in the decision-making process - is not fully attached until the late 20s.

 

For those of us that have been around (i.e., gone through it), we can attest wholeheartedly that those years between 26 and 30 are HUGE insofar as personality changes are concerned. So many relationships that are established in the early 20s do not survive this time of going into the late 20s for this very reason.

 

It is like a veil is lifted and what one wants for their life gels and becomes far more clear than it was before. For you, it might include living with your boyfriend because you are entering that stage. For him, it might be the exact opposite.

 

Some people refer to it as GIGS (Grass Is Greener Syndrome) when it is really a clarification of personal intent. Many, many relationships do not last through this. Look at my post numbers and how long I've been around this site. Suffice to say that I've seen it all and the problem you are describing has appeared here in various forms dozens of dozens of times.

 

The fact that your BF isn't ready to move in with you is a huge red flag that he may be wanting an entirely different future - but he may not even know what he wants for another two or three years.

[orangetree]

"He doesn't see you as the one and will be engaged six months after the breakup" seems to be a very popular answer to posts on this forum. I don't agree with this. Of course it happens, but many many times (I would say much more often) it does NOT happen.

 

Your bf seems very immature and I don't think he sees himself moving in or making a commitment to anyone at the moment. His friends are all single (or at least not living with their gf), he doesn't want to be the one who does, for whatever immature reason. He still wants his freedom and even though he loves you he is clearly not ready to live with you. If you break up with him I don't think he will rush into another serious relationship and get engaged or something like that soon- Because he doesn't seem to be ready for any of that.

 

Still, I would also set myself a mental deadline. Don't pressure him, but if he hasn't brought up the topic again let's say til March, I would break up. You already spend 5 years of your life with this man, it's time to move on if your plans for the future are different.

[chimpanA-2-chimpanZ]

It's not telling me to let him go that I think is harsh - it's telling me that he's going to move on with someone else really quickly! I don't think there's anything being said here that makes it relevant or necessary to say to me and sounds like it's just to upset me. If that was to happen it has nothing to do with me or the situation that I'm in.

 

People aren't saying it to hurt you, they're saying it because it's extremely common. Of course there's no way to know what his life without you will be like. He may never have a stable relationship again. Who knows? But break-ups at your current stage aren't unexpected. Nearly all of the long-term relationships I know that started before age 24 didn't make it to 28, and almost all went south at around 26.

 

Look up the phrase "training wheels" in the context of relationships. Many men spend years in relationships they aren't as enthusiastic about, then suddenly discover their one true love and are quickly married. Two of my friends who fell victim to training wheels syndrome had ex-boyfriends who went on to get married within 18 months. For many men, it's quite easy to transition from one long-term relationship to another. It has NOTHING to do with their previous partner, it's just an issue of maturity, and much of that maturity doesn't happen until the late 20s (as another poster wrote). These men don't realize what they want until they finally find it and, poof, everything changes. I don't understand why that sudden change in maturity is so often accompanied by a sudden true love, but it happens.

 

People are warning you about this potential because however much it hurts to read, it hurts infinitely more to experience. People are advising you to protect yourself before it happens to you. Of course no one can predict the future. But if your partner is moderately lukewarm on you now, he will eventually run into someone who ignites that passion for him, and the fallout will be devastating. You do not deserve to be with someone who isn't wholly committed to the idea of being with you.

Edited December 12, 2014 by chimpanA-2-chimpanZ

[Emilia]

Like I said I didn't start thinking about it until a few months ago...

But why? You have been doing all the work in the relationship, until now there was no onus on him whatsoever to do anything for you. You have been going over to his place with your change of clothing, he had your company when it suited him and you put absolutely zero demand on him to prove that he could give as well as take.

 

I really think you should consider having a more balanced approach to relationships in the future, it needs to be mutual. I'll be extremely surprised if he decides to move in with you and start playing house with all the obligations that it brings.

[NYCgirl88]

"He doesn't see you as the one and will be engaged six months after the breakup" seems to be a very popular answer to posts on this forum. I don't agree with this. Of course it happens, but many many times (I would say much more often) it does NOT happen.

 

Your bf seems very immature and I don't think he sees himself moving in or making a commitment to anyone at the moment. His friends are all single (or at least not living with their gf), he doesn't want to be the one who does, for whatever immature reason. He still wants his freedom and even though he loves you he is clearly not ready to live with you. If you break up with him I don't think he will rush into another serious relationship and get engaged or something like that soon- Because he doesn't seem to be ready for any of that.

 

Still, I would also set myself a mental deadline. Don't pressure him, but if he hasn't brought up the topic again let's say til March, I would break up. You already spend 5 years of your life with this man, it's time to move on if your plans for the future are different.

 

Thank you. This is more along the lines of where my head is at. I'm not questioning how much he loves me and I'm 100% positive he wouldn't quickly move on without me, nor do I care because we wouldn't be together.

[Ninjainpajamas]

Smart guy IMO...he knows what the consequences are and he's actually thinking it out rather than just being another guy that falls wind into that whole "next step of the relationship" process...

 

Look, this isn't a contest...you both are ONLY 26, i know that might seem old to you now and others around your age, but you started dating at 21 and you are now 26 if I read correctly...that isn't exactly like a guy who started dating you at 26 and now you are in your early 30's.

 

I wouldn't expect all men, and I believe the smart ones live their lives first...to get ahead and shack up and start doing the whole living together because it's "easier" and more cost-effective and overall a better convenience...if he actually knows better than he realizes what comes next and how his life and comfort zones will be encroached on...it's not just two people living together, you will start to slowly inch your way till further commitment and trying to change or "help him" in this way or that way, basically integrating yourself deeper into his life and messing with his personal space...because since now you are "living together", his expectations need to go up a notch and everything else YOU THINK should be happening because of this "next step"...

 

So he's either smart (unlikely but a possibility) or just having dumb luck because he's lazy and avoids the relationship as priority and doesn't want to do more than he has to.

 

Your goals aren't the same at the end of the day, you have this timeline and agenda in his head and you want to start getting on that road...he doesn't.

 

And I love this whole "don't give him an ultimatum because those never work...instead "trick" him into the situation by pulling away"...i mean seriously, his genuine and honest reply has already been given...but now of course you're trying to find a way around that to try and get what YOU want...typical female behavior in relationships.

 

I think for the both of you it's best that you break up...because for one, his only been with you for these last past years...he needs to learn what it's like to be single to be able to reflect on his love life and what he wants, because if he wants to keep a woman around, he can't just "string her along" but he's young and doesn't realize what he's doing he's just taking what you've been giving him so far, and you're the one that made it convenient for him to begin with, so pulling back doubt is just going to make you look manipulative IMO...which you are being to an extent but that's expected to be honest.

 

Secondly he's just not ready and at that stage yet, and he needs to realize that. He needs to figure out what kind of relationships are right for him and invest GENUINELY on that level. Because whatever he tells you, he obviously isn't ready....there is no other answer you need to move on, but you can go ahead and play push-and-pull games until he folds and gives you what you want so he doesn't lose you...because if that isn't true love, I don't know what else is!

 

So play your games...yes the truth hurts, yes it sucks for you that he doesn't want to take this to the next level, but stop trying to change what is into what you want it to be, because a guy who is forced to do something is not going to be the kind of man you want him to be anyway, and then you'll just cut him down as a person even though you kind of got what you want...I don't even personally understand why women would want to work so hard to keep a man and then tell themselves that he actually loves and wants to be with her he just needs like this "motivation" to do so...therefore if you do convince him to move and force him to be with you and live with you, you IMO get what you deserve...if the relationship goes upside down, I'm sorry you can't just say that it's what you wanted and needed and it was his fault...you've got to take some responsibility yourself for forcing someone to do something they've already told you that they didn't want to do...through passive aggressive behavior and manipulation.

 

Just think about for one second...what kind of foundation you are setting yourself up for in this relationship.

 

He doesn't want to move in you, he's not ready, and he doesn't know whether he wants to be with your forever or not...he's too young and inexperienced...so do yourselves a favor and end this relationship so that you do not waste even more time trying to force this into what you think is the perfect and ideal future...it's not going to happen, you are going to be fighting and fighting the entire relationship and one day you're just going to give up.

 

And they say it's surprising that women are the ones that initiate divorce...not to me!

[dreamingoftigers]

i don't think anyone was suggesting that she pull away as a manipulative tactic to cobtrol him. It's a chance for her to regroup and see where she's at herself. Start reinvesting into her own life, much like a 180. If he catches wind of it and happens to to want to establish a closer dynamic, then yay for him. If he doesn't then she knows where things are finally falling and has already made the first steps toward her own goals of moving forward with her life and he gets his personal space back. Yay for him again. Pulling back isn't about pressuring someone else. It's the opposite. But you are advocating that she watch out for him first and foremost insteaf of taking care of herself. Just throw away the five year relationship instead of regrouping and reconsidering. Like he doesn't even have a vote. She shoukd just figure out "what's best for him"

 

Smart guy IMO...he knows what the consequences are and he's actually thinking it out rather than just being another guy that falls wind into that whole "next step of the relationship" process...

 

Look, this isn't a contest...you both are ONLY 26, i know that might seem old to you now and others around your age, but you started dating at 21 and you are now 26 if I read correctly...that isn't exactly like a guy who started dating you at 26 and now you are in your early 30's.

 

I wouldn't expect all men, and I believe the smart ones live their lives first...to get ahead and shack up and start doing the whole living together because it's "easier" and more cost-effective and overall a better convenience...if he actually knows better than he realizes what comes next and how his life and comfort zones will be encroached on...it's not just two people living together, you will start to slowly inch your way till further commitment and trying to change or "help him" in this way or that way, basically integrating yourself deeper into his life and messing with his personal space...because since now you are "living together", his expectations need to go up a notch and everything else YOU THINK should be happening because of this "next step"...

 

So he's either smart (unlikely but a possibility) or just having dumb luck because he's lazy and avoids the relationship as priority and doesn't want to do more than he has to.

 

Your goals aren't the same at the end of the day, you have this timeline and agenda in his head and you want to start getting on that road...he doesn't.

 

And I love this whole "don't give him an ultimatum because those never work...instead "trick" him into the situation by pulling away"...i mean seriously, his genuine and honest reply has already been given...but now of course you're trying to find a way around that to try and get what YOU want...typical female behavior in relationships.

 

I think for the both of you it's best that you break up...because for one, his only been with you for these last past years...he needs to learn what it's like to be single to be able to reflect on his love life and what he wants, because if he wants to keep a woman around, he can't just "string her along" but he's young and doesn't realize what he's doing he's just taking what you've been giving him so far, and you're the one that made it convenient for him to begin with, so pulling back doubt is just going to make you look manipulative IMO...which you are being to an extent but that's expected to be honest.

 

Secondly he's just not ready and at that stage yet, and he needs to realize that. He needs to figure out what kind of relationships are right for him and invest GENUINELY on that level. Because whatever he tells you, he obviously isn't ready....there is no other answer you need to move on, but you can go ahead and play push-and-pull games until he folds and gives you what you want so he doesn't lose you...because if that isn't true love, I don't know what else is!

 

So play your games...yes the truth hurts, yes it sucks for you that he doesn't want to take this to the next level, but stop trying to change what is into what you want it to be, because a guy who is forced to do something is not going to be the kind of man you want him to be anyway, and then you'll just cut him down as a person even though you kind of got what you want...I don't even personally understand why women would want to work so hard to keep a man and then tell themselves that he actually loves and wants to be with her he just needs like this "motivation" to do so...therefore if you do convince him to move and force him to be with you and live with you, you IMO get what you deserve...if the relationship goes upside down, I'm sorry you can't just say that it's what you wanted and needed and it was his fault...you've got to take some responsibility yourself for forcing someone to do something they've already told you that they didn't want to do...through passive aggressive behavior and manipulation.

 

Just think about for one second...what kind of foundation you are setting yourself up for in this relationship.

 

He doesn't want to move in you, he's not ready, and he doesn't know whether he wants to be with your forever or not...he's too young and inexperienced...so do yourselves a favor and end this relationship so that you do not waste even more time trying to force this into what you think is the perfect and ideal future...it's not going to happen, you are going to be fighting and fighting the entire relationship and one day you're just going to give up.

 

And they say it's surprising that women are the ones that initiate divorce...not to me!

[d0nnivain]

I like this response! last night was literally the first time we actually talked about it. And I want to clarify he didn't give me a definite no but says it's something he needs to think about. I definitely am setting a deadline in my head , I have no intentions of waiting forever for him. Our conversation last night upaet me, but at the same time it's not like I've been waiting five years to move in with him. Like I said I didn't start thinking about it until a few months ago...

 

This is one of your more positive posts & it tells me you are level headed.

 

From his perspective, it became an issue yesterday. You have been thinking about it for months. He's been on notice for what? 24 hours?

 

You don't need a mental deadline. You have an actual deadline -- the end of your current lease. If hasn't given you concrete reasons that you can respect about not wanting to live together (some people just don't believe in it) by the time you have to start serious apartment hunting for your new space, then you know what you have to do.

 

Until then keep the lines of communication open.

[dreamingoftigers]

C'mon read the writing on the wall...what do you think she's doing by pulling away? oh yeah...just like..a playful little gesture tee-hee to see if Romeo comes stampeding out of the foggy forest on a summers morning, and sweep her up in her velvety blue dress and whisk her off into the apartment of her dreams.

 

In typical contemptual fashion, we can twist and add any emotional or demeaning context to just about any action.

 

If she does pull back a regroup for herself than she very well will likely hope that e does join her. They have a five year relationship after all. What's better? Hoping that he won't?

 

If she ONLY pulls back to control him or get him to go "her way" then yes, that's BS. Total BS.

 

I gathered from her posts that she wants a relationship. Not a manipulation-festival with him as the honoured guest.

 

But, it seems that because you've seen manipulation tactics from women that almost all life choices women make for themselves are to manipulate men.

 

And because we're women it usually involves some fairy-take imagery.

On a personal note, I find it ironic because as a kid, we all know that the Knight is the cool guy in the story and the princess just stands there, waiting to be rescued. I always wanted to be the knight. I never wanted to be the princess. Of course, as kids we aren't told the full context of these things.

 

Like my grandpa used to say "Don't piss in my face and call it water"...or was it rain...hmm

 

Anyway, the point is this is a "tactic"...it's not communication, it's not honesty, or genuine reciprocation or matched values and visions of the future that is agreeable through a combined effort...it is an ultimatum wrapped up in a bow because she did not like his answer, and wants to figure out a way to change it...stop making excuses because you don't want to "throw the relationship away and regroup"...what is this? the battle of Gettysburg?...we must retreat general and strike again at yer dawn and try to take the high ground.

 

My father uses the same phrase, except he says "don't piss on my head and tell me it's raining." I have used it ocasionally.

 

It's not Gettysburg. It's not even Grenada.

It's the same thing I recommend for everyone who looks not to be on the same page with their partner. Pull back. Think about it. See what happens.

 

Could you imagine a relationship where every time there's a difference of opinion, she dumps the guy. Really? Wouldn't that be damned manipulative.

 

She told him what she wants. He has time to think about it and see if it fits with him.

If he doesn't like it and they aren't going the same direction after a time, yeah....then toss it.

 

But because he initially ducked it, she should "look out for him" and dump him?

I'm sure that would garner a positive response from you as well.

 

Probably something along the lines of "oh so the second he didn't come riding out of the woods on his horse with a joint lease, you crush the guy. Sounds like he dodged a bullet. Everything has to be your way or you have no use for him."

 

She has a vote..that's the key to leave the man, that's the vote...she controls herself, she doesn't control him and he gave his answer but now she's going to make it a big thing even though he CONTINUES TO RESIST...she needs to pull the lever or it's just a bluff and she should expect more of the same treatment.

 

I know this is a wild concept but guess what, he never made her do anything she wasn't willing to do herself...and so I continue below,

.

 

So the only vote is leave?

What if when she backs off herself she decides the relationship was worth more than demanding they move in right away. Oops. Too late. Didn't think that one through. Darn. Better just head back to the "Five-year Relationship Store" and get a new one.

 

She's going to eh? Going to make it a big thing and force this unwitting man to give up every ounce of his freedom so she can stable his white horse for a minivan and she can rule the Joint-Lease-Apartment-Kingdom. He has no choice in the matter if she pulls back. He myst recognize it as a passive-aggressive demand and comply. Because he can't lead his own life and figure out his own crap.

 

I am not even sure who your scenario insults worse. I suggest next time you grab a crysral ball, don't select it from the discount bin.

 

And yeah, he doesn't "owe her" moving in.

In relationships, I've learned the hard way that if you resent someone, it's because you gave more than you were comfortable risking.

 

I would've checked a helluva lot earlier than five years to see what his deal was (backed with action) if I wanted to be on the marriage track.

 

Statistically, if a guy isn't popping the Q around 18 months, the further away from likely he will. I don't think it's wise to marry someone that quickly (having done so). But that's the number out there.

 

Five years....? To move in....? That's way past the general expectation.

But in the end that is up to both of them.

[NYCgirl88]

Really appreciate all your replies and was not trying to really start a controversial discussion, just ask for advice.

 

I have no intentions of manipulating him, at all. Why would I want him to live with me if he were to be miserable about it? As dreamingoftigers suggested, if I were to pull back the reason would be for me.... Like I like sleeping at my place during the week more because I work out in the gym in my building in the morning. When I sleep at his, I don't get to do that. So, if he wants to see me during the week more often, he has the option of sleeping at my place. His apartment is in a better location, but mine is nicer !

 

I also don't know why everyone is making it sound like I'm his slave girl who does everything he wants and gets nothing in return because that isn't the case. I'm not his maid, I don't clean his room and do his laundry. Aside from me having to go back and forth more to stay at his place and me wanting to move in together more, our relationship is pretty equal.

 

And I'm not quick to say oh I'm better off without him because.. there's a reason we've been together for so long! I understand the want to live on your own/ with friends and I think it's really important. I definitely would not take that back, and I've had a year more than him to do it. But, at the same time, if it's time for me to find somewhere to live in August and I'm looking by myself instead of with him, I think it shows we're in different places and maybe this relationship isn't for me.