NYCgirl88 Posted December 11, 2014 Posted December 11, 2014 Some background - we're 26 and have been in a serious for 5 years. He says I'm who he wants to be with forever . We both live in NYC, about a mile away from eachother. I'm ready and want to move in together when my lease is up in August. It's something I've thought about a lot and up until last night, he's avaoided the conversation like the plague. For practical reasons, my rent goes up $50 a year and I literally can't afford to live there anymore once it's time to renew my lease. I don't want to live with a roommate anymore, I want to live with my boyfriend! I think that it's the next step in our relationship and I'm ready to take it. I'm always the one staying at his place (it's closer to both our offices) and it's really inconvenient for me going back and forth and bringing a change of clothes to work etc. He says he does want to move in with me eventually, but August is too soon. Reason: he likes having his own space, doesn't want to rush in to things, if we're going to be together forever what's the rush? My opinion is that if it doesn't happen in August, he'll never commit to it. It's been 5 years, that's not really rushing to me. It doesn't make sense to me to live separately anymore. I don't want to give him an ultimatum, but I don't want to stay in a relationship that isn't going anywhere. Am I being crazy? What should I do? He is good at convincing me he's right. Any advice is appreciated! Thanks! 2
stillmind Posted December 11, 2014 Posted December 11, 2014 Personally I wouldn't wait around longer... I think if you've been together for five years and you're on the dark side of 25, you should know whether you're in or out. He still isn't all in, so, I would move on. 7
rdet123 Posted December 11, 2014 Posted December 11, 2014 Girl, my advice is that he isn't ready for any sort of commitment with you. 5 Years with someone...you should know you most definitely want to move in/get married/have a future together. He may say he wants to spend the rest of his life with you, but his actions aren't matching his words. I would take a good hard look at your relationship with him and tell yourself if it's worth it. He may be a great guy, but if he isn't ready after 5 years, it doesn't look good for the future. Just my 2 cents! 3
angel.eyes Posted December 11, 2014 Posted December 11, 2014 He doesn't want to progress the relationship. Period. It's a choice, not a matter of who's right or wrong. He doesn't see that happening with you, but enjoys the status quo. That's his choice to make. If you want a relationship that progresses further, you'll have to find it with someone else. That's your choice to make--sit in a relationship hoping he'll come around to realizing you're commitment material in a decade or two or find someone who wants that with you. 3
OnTheLam Posted December 11, 2014 Posted December 11, 2014 I would break up. He isn't ready for moving in at 5 years, he never will be. You're right, don't give him an ultimatum, that isn't fair. You need to accept them for how they are, or let them go. And I think the latter is better in this case. Having had a gf for five years, I just kept hoping things would get better and waiting for the feelings that she was the one. Waiting to give her the commitment (ring) that she was pushing me to do. In the end, I broke her heart when I should have done it 3 years earlier. 6
MissFree Posted December 11, 2014 Posted December 11, 2014 Here's the deal... He's only 26 and maybe he isn't ready to move in with you. Thankfully he's being honest about it. But, your intuition doesn't lie. If you feel like it's been too long then it has. And honestly 5 years is a pretty long time. I wouldn't say to give him an ultimatum because that never really works. I would suggest that if he isn't giving you what you want, that you should pull back from him. Don't go to his house as often Start making your own plans to move into a new cheaper place Be less available Don't talk about the future or commitment And see how he reacts. Your intuition doesn't lie and you feel like either somethings up or its time for you to move on. Either way, its time for a change and he won't make it unless you do. Hope this helps! 7
Frank2thepoint Posted December 11, 2014 Posted December 11, 2014 The guy is definitely not ready. He is delaying because he is still young and doesn't want the responsibility, right now, of a serious relationship turning into long term that might result in marriage. Not sure when he will be ready, maybe in a year, maybe in another five. Just be aware, if you do break up with him, you will be in the same jam you are now. Your rent will go up, and you will probably be living with a roommate for a while until you find another boyfriend, who hopefully will not delay the progress of relationship as well. 2
hotpotato Posted December 11, 2014 Posted December 11, 2014 Moving in with someone doesnt equal commitment. Id be more concerned as to why he hadnt put a rang on it after 5 years. Also, if you get him to move in, you should be cool with that long term. By long term I mean living with him 5, 10, 15 years with no marriage. This happens all the time. If youre fine with that, then its cool. Moving in does not mean your relationship will progress. Dont expect to go from couple to live in couple to marriage. 9
Redhead14 Posted December 11, 2014 Posted December 11, 2014 This where you need to get clear with yourself about what kind of relationship you really want. Myself, as an example, was married for 30 years, now divorced and was since engaged for 2 years and fiance passed away. I am now at a point where I am happy as a single but want someone significant in my life. I don't want to be married again, could see myself living with a significant other, and still be in a committed, monogamous relationship, I can also see us living separately. I am fortunate to have found someone who is on the same page with me and we are working on the details of that relationship model. I am older, though, 55. I have two grown children, he has 3 grown children. We don't need to do the marriage, house, kids, thing. You two need to discuss in great detail what it is you want for your futures and figure out whether it's going to be with each other. 1
Author NYCgirl88 Posted December 11, 2014 Author Posted December 11, 2014 Thanks all. To clarify, not looking to get married any time soon. To me that's a much bigger step than moving in together and I'm not ready for that either. I do like the idea of pulling back and seeing if things change. I don't know, part of me thinks it's just who he is though.
Author NYCgirl88 Posted December 11, 2014 Author Posted December 11, 2014 We do have the same ideas of where we want to be long term (or at least that's what he says), but doesn't seem like we're in the same place right now.
rester Posted December 11, 2014 Posted December 11, 2014 Five years is a long time, but how big is his apartment? Could it be he feels cramped after you are there for awhile? NYC apartments are typically very small. And I can see why this would upset you, but at the same time I know what it's like being 26 years old in a major city. Enjoy it while you can! I know happy couples that dated for ten years before getting married. Nothing wrong with that.
Author NYCgirl88 Posted December 11, 2014 Author Posted December 11, 2014 He has roommates, we'd find our own place together, I wouldn't want to move in there. And I undertand all that, but we've both been living on our own since we graduated college. For me its just like I know 100% this is what I want right now, I think about it every day! It just sucks that I haven't been able to think about it WITH him because until yesterday he refused to talk about it.
Gaeta Posted December 11, 2014 Posted December 11, 2014 Thanks all. To clarify, not looking to get married any time soon. To me that's a much bigger step than moving in together and I'm not ready for that either. I do like the idea of pulling back and seeing if things change. I don't know, part of me thinks it's just who he is though. On a side note. In some country 'moving in together' has legal implications. Where I am for example, after 1 year of 'moving in' you are officially a common-law couple, we need to file each other on our income taxes and other 'married people law' can apply to us. I personally do not see THAT much of a difference between being a common-law couple or being married couple. The moral commitment toward each other is the same. Your lives and families will be mixed together, the same. The financial dynamic will be the same. The day to day life will be the same. So if you want to live with him only for the same of saving $50 per year (which I think you meant per month) or because it's practical, then don't do it. Move in together when you both want to be a 'real' couple. 1
Redhead14 Posted December 11, 2014 Posted December 11, 2014 Thanks all. To clarify, not looking to get married any time soon. To me that's a much bigger step than moving in together and I'm not ready for that either. I do like the idea of pulling back and seeing if things change. I don't know, part of me thinks it's just who he is though. Remember this, marriage is no longer a guarantee of anything permanent. I do advocate marriage for couples who want children, houses together, what have you. I'd rather have a man who is with me because he really wants to than one who stays because of a piece of paper. Moving in together, though, should be about commitment, otherwise, you're just roommates.
hotpotato Posted December 11, 2014 Posted December 11, 2014 Here's the deal... He's only 26 and maybe he isn't ready to move in with you. Thankfully he's being honest about it. But, your intuition doesn't lie. If you feel like it's been too long then it has. And honestly 5 years is a pretty long time. I wouldn't say to give him an ultimatum because that never really works. I would suggest that if he isn't giving you what you want, that you should pull back from him. Don't go to his house as often Start making your own plans to move into a new cheaper place Be less available Don't talk about the future or commitment And see how he reacts. Your intuition doesn't lie and you feel like either somethings up or its time for you to move on. Either way, its time for a change and he won't make it unless you do. Hope this helps! Him being 26 has nothing to do with it. Men his age and younger move in and even get engaged and married. I also dont agree with the game playing. If op wants to live, she should just leave. I see them breaking up soon. I could also see him moving in and living with her for 5 or more years. Either way theyll break up and he will be on to someone else (possibly engagement) very quickly. 4
angel.eyes Posted December 11, 2014 Posted December 11, 2014 You aren't looking to marry now, but I'm guessing you see him as a good choice for a future marital partner. The problem is he's signalling very clearly to you that after five years of getting to know you, he doesn't see you as the person he wants to share his life with. You're missing something that he wants in that type of partner. You could do back flips and win the Girlfriend of the Year award at this point. I'm sure you're a great person, but you're not what he seeks for that role. So even if you eventually convince him to share a lease with you, understand that you're in a dead-end relationship. You can ignore that because you love him and fritter away even more years hoping he eventually comes around to recognizing your worth and sharing your view. Understand that it takes two people wanting the same thing to get to a commitment. You aren't going to get that down the road based on his unease this far into the game. Is this the first time in your relationship that living together has been discussed? 5
Author NYCgirl88 Posted December 11, 2014 Author Posted December 11, 2014 Hot potatoe you are being very harsh! His comitment issues are HIS issues, have nothing to do with me. Weve known eachother for middle school and I've been his friend while we were both in other relationships. If we broke up he 100% would not be moving quickly into a serious relationship. That aside, to the other responders, reasons such as rent are more about why my timing is August. I do want to be with him forever and come home to him every day and share a place together. It certainly goes deeper than wanting to pay less . Those are just my logical, practical reasons. Didn't really get into the emotional side of how I feel in this post.
venusishername Posted December 11, 2014 Posted December 11, 2014 I am strongly against the idea of living together before engagement or marriage. Didn't used to be... I shacked up with two boyfriends and wasted four years of my life on each. Ages 19-27 with them, now I'm 30 and here I thought I'd be married by now. Nope! I thought living together would move along our relationship. Instead, things just stayed the same and I found myself getting more and more resentful of my boyfriends' lack of initiative. I ended up leaving both of them and was forced (yes forced!) to pay higher rent. You just have to suck it up and do it. I know too many couples who have been living together for 5+ years and I can bet my bank account they're not getting married until there is an accidental pregnancy involved. I know two couples who lived together before marriage; not saying it isn't possible. But they were together less than 2 years before moving in and became engaged very quickly after. 4
Author NYCgirl88 Posted December 11, 2014 Author Posted December 11, 2014 I've attempted to bring it up other times and he has brushed it off. And the things you are saying are the things that I fear. On one side I know he's not mature, his friends aren't in serious relationships, etc. but on the other - I do think that at this point , if I'm who he wants to be with, moving in together shouldn't be a fight, it should be an exciting next step.
angel.eyes Posted December 11, 2014 Posted December 11, 2014 No one is being harsh. Posters are simply trying to help you understand your situation so that you don't waste a decade of your life on a guy who can't give you what you ultimately want, a lifelong commitment. It's very telling that until recently you couldn't even engage him in a discussion about this because he didn't want to talk about it. And yes, men like this, when they finally leave quickly marry the next woman they date because she has whatever it was they needed in a life partner. It has nothing to do with how great you are. In his mind, you simply aren't a match. As hard as it is to walk away now, it will be more painful and hurtful the longer you delay... both because of the time you will have spent and the added emotional investment. Go read all the "Why won't he marry me" threads in the Getting Married section. That's your future if you double down and continue with this guy. 3
Author NYCgirl88 Posted December 11, 2014 Author Posted December 11, 2014 (My last post is to angel eyes btw)
Frank2thepoint Posted December 11, 2014 Posted December 11, 2014 I've attempted to bring it up other times and he has brushed it off. And the things you are saying are the things that I fear. On one side I know he's not mature, his friends aren't in serious relationships, etc. but on the other - I do think that at this point , if I'm who he wants to be with, moving in together shouldn't be a fight, it should be an exciting next step. He brushes it off because he doesn't want that with you. After five years of dating, a guy knows if he wants to move in with a woman. With his friends not being in serious relationship, your boyfriend has the pack mentality. He doesn't want the responsibility of moving in with you because it means he will have less time being with his friends. Currently he has the best of both worlds. He has you to see whenever, and his friends whenever. But you nailed it on the head, that such a progress of the relationship shouldn't be a struggle, but it it is. There is a really simple reason for his refusal to want to move in with you, but you are unwilling to accept it because you fear it. 5
FitChick Posted December 11, 2014 Posted December 11, 2014 I do think that at this point , if I'm who he wants to be with, moving in together shouldn't be a fight, it should be an exciting next step. You've answered your own question. 1
angel.eyes Posted December 11, 2014 Posted December 11, 2014 (My last post is to angel eyes btw) You're in a very difficult situation. We all understand. It's a challenge to walk away when you love someone, but I hope you find the strength to do what you need to do. Either way, best of luck!
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