Blue08 Posted December 11, 2014 Posted December 11, 2014 What do I do?! My husband and I are going through a divorce for a year now. The judge will not approve it. We started out i was 19 and he was 22. I was with him for 8yrs and only 2 of them being married. we have 3 children together and the oldest is not his bioligically his but my son knows no difference. at times i felt really unhappy in the relationship. I felt he was very controlling, everything I could, he could do it better. and I mean everything. I felt like my feelings and my thoughts were always put aside, that his were more important than mine. I did not feel like I was an equal, I felt like a puppy he was trying to train. And his response to me was that he was trying to better me, he wanted me to grow. My disagreement was, that I have grown and to look at where I am now, to who I was then, and its up to me to decide what I need to work on, not him. I stayed home with the boys everyday, I was on-call 24/7 I had no family, no friends. His parents live across the street and they were always asking for favors, every summer he spent doing something for them on his spare time. from sep to may he was going to school and working full-time, I supported him through this and the hours of homework that he had when he was home. He did say thank you often and that he appreciated it. I put my life on hold, I moved away from my family and friends I felt like I sacrificed a whole lot for him and my children, and i felt like he made little sacrifices for us. I was always his last priority Im not so sure I even was one. He would get to go hunting and I would get up with kids on the weekend so he could sleep in. I desperately wanted something to look forward to, a regular date night, I wanted to go to school, he would always tell me it was up to me to get a date night, and i felt like I do so much for the family why can't he set it up, why can't he do that for me? why doesn't he want to, I even gave him ideas. I wanted to go to school, but my youngest would have to be in childcare and it was to expensive and I would have to wait until he was in school. I felt like sacrifices could have been made, even if it was just one class or an online class, something! But now that we are separated he is paying his mother every week to watch two of our children, which she said she wasn't going to do when we together because she is done raising children but now she says the circumstances are different. Which my husband makes decent money he can and I can afford another child care provider. I was in that house alone all the time, my identity was lost. I had terrible anxiety and i felt like i just couldn't do it anymore, i was sick of trying, i was sick of fighting, i was sick of not being heard. There were also arguments over my oldest, over how to discipline him, he was unfair but it did improve. I always told him when we argued that one day I'm not going to not have any care left to try anymore, if something did not change. well that day came and I cheated on my husband, I lied I snuck around it felt great the passion that was so depleted was filled immensely. My husband knew I was texting this person constantly, he knew his name and I told my husband I wanted an open relationship and he said no but still ok that I was "talking" with this guy. This guy became an addiction the feelings were like fireworks. I was sitting with this guy one night and feeling we had were intense. there are no words to describe it. We were looking into each others eyes in that movement it was like he entered my soul. I wasn't thinking but all the came to my mind was that I love him and I didn't speak it out loud but I shook my head yes and at the same time he shook his head yes. We both spent hours just looking in each others eyes. I left my husband on Dec. 3 and moved with this other guy and the sadness and guilt overwhelmed me for my children and for my husband. I ended up going back to try and work things out in March, and all we did was fight. and I never stopped talking to the other guy. My husband was trying so hard and I was not. When it came down to picking up my stuff my husband cam with me and the other guy was in the house, I came into get my stuff and I sat and talked with him for a bit, and he was devasted and heart broken that I was going back with my husband and that we could no longer talk. In this time my husband walked in and accused me of sleeping with him just then, which i was not. So we ended up fighting, again. and i grabbed my stuff and went back into the other guys house and my husband left. I packed my stuff up and had the other guy drive me to my husbands house and I went inside and he wouldn't talk to me, i was crying and just a full of emotion mess, everyone was, and my in-laws were standing across the street with binoculars watching everything. So I just got in the other guys truck and left and have not been back since, other than to pick up boys. My ex had my oldest come and live with me, he said he was a package deal and he is the only father he has every known. My son had to change schools and he seems to be doing well, i talk to with him often and do a lot of extra activities with him. I just finished my first semester in college and will be attending my 2nd semester full time in Jan. The guilt is still there, it never goes away, its haunting what I did and it should be. I have to let it go somehow though I have children to raise. My ex still wants to work things out, he is pressuring me to move out, so we can work on things. I am not so sure we should. Is it out of loneliness? there are so many things that we want to change about each other, and I have very little feelings for him but I hate seeing him hurt like this. And then there is the other man that I am living with who loves me, for me. I will feel terrible for hurting him also. Then people ask me what do you want, and Im not so sure except that I want to go to school. There is also the issue that if I do work things out with my husband I will never forget this other guy and he lives 30min or less away it will always be in my memory. My husbands family hates me which I don't disagree but those are the only people I will be surrounded by. Someone please give me some advice, I know what I did was wrong, and I was weak and a coward and Im sure I have a codependency issue, i grew up with a drunk father.
purplesorrow Posted December 11, 2014 Posted December 11, 2014 It sounds like you need to just pick you. See what life is like without a man for a while. Work on you and being the best mom you can. Once you can stand on your own two feet, you can make better decisions about your love life. 1
Author Blue08 Posted December 11, 2014 Author Posted December 11, 2014 How do I do about hurting him, its awful!
purplesorrow Posted December 11, 2014 Posted December 11, 2014 How do I do about hurting him, its awful! It is too late for that. You are in a situation where all will experience some degree of hurt. 2
spanz1 Posted December 11, 2014 Posted December 11, 2014 "In this time my husband walked in and accused me of sleeping with him just then, which i was not" So you have been living with another man for months and you have not slept with him? I find that hard to believe, so I am sure your husband does not either.
Author Blue08 Posted December 11, 2014 Author Posted December 11, 2014 No I have slept with him, and my husband knows this. He accused me of sleeping with him when I was getting my stuff, while he was out in the vehicle waiting.
goodyblue Posted December 11, 2014 Posted December 11, 2014 "In this time my husband walked in and accused me of sleeping with him just then, which i was not" So you have been living with another man for months and you have not slept with him? I find that hard to believe, so I am sure your husband does not either. I think she meant that she was involved in the hoochie coochie right at that moment, with him waiting for her in the truck.
drifter777 Posted December 11, 2014 Posted December 11, 2014 If you go back to the husband that you betrayed you will only hurt him worse in the long run. Please have mercy on him and be firm that you will co-parent with him but there's no chance of getting back together. Be strong - force him to start living his own life.
GoBlue Posted December 11, 2014 Posted December 11, 2014 Sweetheart - I am very sorry for your situation. I have a 20 year old daughter and the thought of you in this complete mess is hard to imagine. Have you made contact with a counselor, Pastor, or trusted ADULT friend who can pour themselves into your life? You are 19, have three children with two different men, and are now living with another guy. There is a better way! I encourage you to contact a local church with an active woman's group and try to get involved. I am glad that you are attending school but I hope you will find help to deal with your relationship issues. Not only do you need this for your own health but your children need it too. My thoughts and prayers are with you!
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