Nasty breakup

[am_i_alone]

Hello. Me and my boyfriend (29 years old) of five months had an argument last week. It got really heated when he told me that he will cancel our trip which was supposed to be on the next day because he thinks that I need help emotionally. He told me to get treatment. Then he headed to the door and I blocked his way. I locked the door. Things got physical. No one really hurt each other on purpose but my mouth was bleeding and he had two nail scratches on his arm and his neck and his t-shirt was completely destroyed.

 

Then he called his father asking him to rescue him because i was harassing him and locked him. Then he called his cousin saying the same thing. And then he called one of my best friends to come and save him. In a few moments 6 of his family members were at my apt. So I called the cops. Because I thought that if I had let him go with those scratches and that teared tshirt, no one would get to listen to my side of the story. So we went down to the station. His mom gave me the dirtiest looks and said bad stuff. His dad was nice to me but now I think that it was all so I would take back my complaint and his son wouldn't get charged.

 

My boyfriend was crying. I asked him "how could you do this to us? i thought i was your family. my intentions were good, i just wanted to talk" he didn't say anything. i took back my complaint. The next day he sent all my stuff back, my keys, blocked me from everywhere. Said to one of our mutual friends that "thank god she is out of my life, she was crazy". This person spent 5 months with me, we were almost like living together. spent every day and night together. We had two more intense fight like this. One was his fault one was mine. But he made me promise to let him go when he wants to get air.

 

He promised that he would come back. But I couldn't help myself. Now I blame myself for the break up. So a few days ago I sent him a very sentimental email about how I am ready to forget and forgive and that I am ready to do everything to be forgiven. I told him that I am ready to do whatever it takes because I know in my heart that we were very happy together and that he was my soulmate. He responded within an hour saying that he still cares about me but he realized during the past week that he is happier and more in peace without me. He said that there is no turning back because neither my family nor his family will ever be able to forget about this. Then I responded saying again that I am ready to do whatever it takes as long as he is by my side supporting me and that I believe that we can turn this around if we really want to. Then I couldn't help myself and went to his apt.

 

I knocked on the door, he asked who it was, and the minute I said that it was me, he said to me that I have ten seconds to leave or else he would call the security. I told him that I just came here to talk. And he called the security and I left before they came. I emailed him and told him that what I did was in my opinion, a romantic gesture but apparently he thought of it as stalking, something only a crazy person would do. I said that I was sorry and that I feel humiliated. He responded in a very distant and cold manner. Told me that he couldn't let me in after all that happened, that he is now moving on with his life and that I should do the same. He ended the email: Thanks for your understanding.

 

It hurt me so much. He wasn't this realistic or logical during our relationship. He is a very impulsive and obsessive person. I don't understand how he is acting this way and how he changed into this person in a week.

 

If he had this much self-control then how come he couldn't handle our fight and needed to call his parents to save him?

 

I then emailed him one last time saying that I am only angry at myself for believing everything he said, believing him when he told me that I was a part of his family. I told him that i can't understand how someone who spent every day of the past 5 months with me saying how happy he was can realize that he was unhappy.. He even cried a day before our breakup asking him not to leave me ever. He was that attached to me.

 

I am having a very hard time coping with this. I have all kinds of feelings from shame to anger, from hurt to hope...

 

 

I really want him to call me. I really hope that he will realize that he is again acting very moody. I want him to accept my offer to face everything and be together. Please help, I am in a very bad shape. What do you guys think?

Edited December 11, 2014 by a LoveShack.org Moderator

[ExpatInItaly]

I think your behaviour was extremely inappropriate and borderline illegal. You cannot confine someone in your home, and then play the victim and have the audacity to accuse him of not being able to "handle" the fight when they call others to help. You had absolutely no right to lock him in your house. Nor did you have any right to show up at his apartment after he clearly told you it's over and to leave him alone. You are an adult and you can help yourself, so don't justify your actions by claiming you can't help it. Of course you can.

 

You need to stop or you could well find yourself on the wrong side of the law. He doesn't feel the way you do, and you cannot force him to see things your way. I don't doubt that he's done things he shouldn't have, but since we're only hearing you side of the story, I have to comment on your actions. And you're acting in a very unstable manner. He told you he no longer wishes to continue this relationship. You don't have a choice about that. Stop contacting him immdediately and focus on yourself. Ask yourself why you react so emotionally and inappropriately. Where did you learn that will get you the results you want? Imagine for a moment a man had done the same thing to a woman - what do you think the reaction would be?

[am_i_alone]

I think your behaviour was extremely inappropriate and borderline illegal. You cannot confine someone in your home, and then play the victim and have the audacity to accuse him of not being able to "handle" the fight when they call others to help. You had absolutely no right to lock him in your house. Nor did you have any right to show up at his apartment after he clearly told you it's over and to leave him alone. You are an adult and you can help yourself, so don't justify your actions by claiming you can't help it. Of course you can.

 

You need to stop or you could well find yourself on the wrong side of the law. He doesn't feel the way you do, and you cannot force him to see things your way. I don't doubt that he's done things he shouldn't have, but since we're only hearing you side of the story, I have to comment on your actions. And you're acting in a very unstable manner. He told you he no longer wishes to continue this relationship. You don't have a choice about that. Stop contacting him immdediately and focus on yourself. Ask yourself why you react so emotionally and inappropriately. Where did you learn that will get you the results you want? Imagine for a moment a man had done the same thing to a woman - what do you think the reaction would be?

 

 

Thank you for your response.

I am well aware that my actions weren't stable. I do know that. And I do believe that he had every right to call someone for help, even though I was only begging him to talk to me and not hurting him or anything. He did the same to me only a day ago when I wanted to go back to my apt. I just don't understand why he had to call his parents. Do you know what I mean? Because the minute he called his parents there is no turning back. And this guy I am talking about is extremely unstable in every way.

[angiefly]

You need to respect that he wants you to leave him alone, even if you don't think it's fair. The bigger problem is that the relationship isn't healthy and never stood a chance of being functional, very dysfunctional if you ask me. The best thing you can do is to take this time to focus on yourself and get some help for your emotional outburst/instability. You don't want this behavior to continue or you'll end up in another dysfunctional relationship.

[Art_Critic]

I really want him to call me. I really hope that he will realize that he is again acting very moody. I want him to accept my offer to face everything and be together. Please help, I am in a very bad shape. What do you guys think?

 

I think the time has past for this, what you are missing regardless to how unstable you think he is.. is that he is the one that called it quits and he is also the one sticking to it.

You seem to be blaming him, saying he is acting moody, saying his Dad was nice to you so he wouldn't get charged.

 

Please, before you wind up in court over this.. don't contact him or show up there anymore, no more emails or text messages.

 

If you are having trouble keeping your thoughts together then you need to see someone, a therapist, someone who can help you through this.

[Satu]

You need to focus on yourself and sort out your feelings.

 

If a person tells you that its over, it is over.

[loversquarrel]

You're behavior is abusive. You lack responsibility for your actions and you are calling him out for wanting to remove himself from the situation. You kept him there to the point of the situation growing violent. He is not acting like an abuser, his actions are that of a person who wants out of an abusive situation. The fact that he called so many people for help tells me he had reached desperation. I don't blame him.

 

Try thinking how people would be reacting to you if you were a man behaving this way. I guarantee people would treat you much more harshly than what you are getting. I know I would be suggesting a restraining order.

[lauri]

If you were a man, you would be in jail right now. Shame on you for trying to play the victim card. Shame on you for trying to convince yourself you are in the right when you are in the wrong.

 

You remind me of my cousins ex wife who did the same thing to him, and my cousin is the most innocent, caring and nicest guy in the world. The difference is she got him thrown in jail for "abusing her", which she later dropped the charges and took half of his money and house during the divorce. You got so desperate when he was trying to leave that you had to call the cops because you didn't want to look like the bad guy? Common...you know he did nothing wrong. If anything, he probably did things in self defense.

 

I'm scared being a man in this world because at any moment I could end up in a situation like this and have my life ruined. I don't blame your ex for never wanting to talk to you again.