I am scum! Why do I do what I do? Need advice!

[EC]

Why do I do what I do?

 

Why when I have a good relationship do I purposely sabotage it? Why do I constantly look for bad things so that I could say AHA! I knew you didn't love me! Why can't I just accept the fact that I have something good and leave it at that?

 

My BF called last night because he said he can't really express himself in an e-mail so he wanted to get a couple thing clear.

He started crying and said he couldn't understand what the difference was in me needing time for me since he wasn't there and I have time for me all the time. Why the no contact?

 

I reminded him it was the long distance as well and I couldn't stand to hear his voice, and the people in the background, and where he was going and with who he was going...I wanted no contact for a while.

He cried and told me that he had talked to his best friend and that his best friend told him I will eventually be more miserable not knowing what's going on at all than when I at least had a clue and that soon I would realize that and the break would be over.

My bf told me that I was a beautiful person and that I just glow. That deep down inside He says that I know I don't need a man to make me happy.

He said that this is the hardest thing he has had to do to give me my space but that he will do it because he knows there will be a happy ending after it all and that I am the woman he is going to marry.

He told me if I needed anything at all to please call him and I told him I was not going to be a B*tch either and that he could call me if anything important came up...and he said he would appreciate that because when he has a long day just hearing my voice takes it all away.

For valentines I had sent him my heart and he said he had been holding it all day and that when his friend told him "get over it take the break go f*ck around..you don't think you could ever fall in love with another person?"

my bf answered " I can deeply care for another person but to truly love to the full extent of the word love..if its not Karim I don't think I can love anyone else. I love to believe in that there is one person for somebody else..a soul mate. She is my soul mate"

we had a hard time hanging up we said our I love you's and I cried myself to sleep wondering why am I pushing away such a great guy?

 

Then it hit me....The same thing that happened to him a while ago (that we almost broke up over) was that he came down to visit and it finally hit him how much I love him and he loves me and it hit him that I was the person he was going to marry and that he couldn't believe he had met me so young. He said it hit him so hard that it scared the sh*t out of him. He wanted to hang out with the guy friends, he wanted time to himself everything I am asking for now. We almost broke up because he didn't know what he was going through until he finally realized it.

 

I think I was finally hit when he came down this week and I fell in love all over again. Is it possible to really find your soul mate so young? I really think I have found the person I am going to spend the rest of my life with already and I am scared sh*tless!!

 

He told me that he believes you meet your one love once and you only have one chance to make it work....if you let it go you can lose them for ever and live the rest of your life settling.

 

I love him how can I stop pushing him away and accept that he truly does love me?

[d'Arthez]

EC, I am not giving you the most soft handed approach here, but more of a wake-up call.

Originally posted by EC

Why when I have a good relationship do I purposely sabotage it? Why do I constantly look for bad things so that I could say AHA! I knew you didn't love me! Why can't I just accept the fact that I have something good and leave it at that?

Because you are young. Because you are restless. Because you are insecure. Because you don't truly know what love is. Pick one or more.

 

I cried myself to sleep wondering why am I pushing away such a great guy?

For a lot of reasons. You have your doubts about him. I remember the doubts he instilled in you with his drinking bouts. For instance, and there are probably a lot of these doubts, which have not been completely resolved. Doubts that gnaw in your subconscious and unconscious mind; he, without doubt, has his share of defects and shortcomings, and you might be unwilling or unable to grasp them consciously.

 

Is it possible to really find your soul mate so young? I really think I have found the person I am going to spend the rest of my life with already and I am scared sh*tless!!

 

It is possible to meet your "soulmate" very young, if you believe in soulmates. But as the both of you are still very young, chances are high that you will grow apart in the following years, during the course of a relationship. You already live the professional life style, and he seems partly to live the party life style, which don't necessarily mix well.

Scares are natural in a relationship, especially as you are quite young. And never been there before, just like your boyfriend.

 

He told me that he believes you meet your one love once and you only have one chance to make it work....if you let it go you can lose them for ever and live the rest of your life settling.

That's nonsense, but it is true if you believe in the whole "soulmate" thing. You are not the same person at 18, than when you are 28. You will look for different qualities in a partner. At 18 looks are higher on the agenda, than at 28. Earning power is much lower on your agenda when you are 18, than when you are 28.

 

I love him how can I stop pushing him away and accept that he truly does love me?

Does he truly love you? This is a very harsh response, but the fact that you are asking it, shows you have doubts, and these doubts are telling enough.

[EC]

I do believe in soul mates.

[d'Arthez]

If you do believe in soulmates, and believe there is only one true soulmate for you, then your boyfriend must be the person in 10 years time, whom you want him to be in 10 years time.

With a great professional life, career, whatever it is you want of him in 10 years time. But that also means you would have to allow him to work towards these goals in 10 years time. Because you grow, and change as a person throughout your life-time chances are extremely high, that there will be severe conflicts of interests.

And in 20 years time you might want to have any number of children. If you are planning on that already with your current boyfriend, great! But chances are that for one reason or another either you or your boyfriend change mind on the subject.

 

You believe that everybody enters your life with a purpose. His purpose might have been extremely important to you, just as me and other posters on the Shack are a lot less important to you.

But it does not necessarily mean that your boyfriend is your end-station, relationshipwise. He might be nothing more but a learning experience, but you want to believe that he is the end of the line for you. Chances are extremely high, that he is not.

 

Relationships don't develop in a straight line, and people also don't develop in a straight line. If you are connected, as you are with your boyfriend, that will cause tension. But if the distance becomes too great, the connection might be lost. You can't hold onto something that is out of reach, or has become ethereal. In a sense he is ethereal for 3 out of 4 weeks, which makes him more real in the 4th week. And the more intense he becomes in the 4th week, the more ethereal he became in the other weeks.

 

From the things you were describing I take it you are on very different levels at the moment; you with your professional career and he with his school / drinking career. These 2 don't mix well, and it might be true that the connection you had is basically lost; hopefully you can reconnect, but it is by no means guaranteed.

 

You are not scum, I apologize for not clearing that up in my first response. But you are not in control of the relationship anymore, and that is scary in itself. You can only hope for the best to happen, which, according to your beliefs will happen. It might be with your current boyfriend, it might be another man. Only time will tell.

[EC]

You are not scum, I apologize for not clearing that up in my first response. But you are not in control of the relationship anymore, and that is scary in itself. You can only hope for the best to happen, which, according to your beliefs will happen. It might be with your current boyfriend, it might be another man. Only time will tell.

Your right I guess I am trying so hard to answer questions NOW that only time will tell.

 

Thank you for replying you give a very different outlook to my situation.

 

I am more focused on my professional career and he is away at school, but once 4 months goes by he's moving down. He will be 2 mins away from me and starting business school and so the partying will definitely be less as he has told me because he can't mess up in business school.

 

I guess I just forget how young I am sometimes. I feel so much older and I want so many things but I forget I am only 19. I have a lot of life left to live but I know I do love him and I guess I am trying to run away and push him away from me so that i could get over it now , rather than if we stay together and time breaks us up and I have to deal with it then.

 

Its so scary. I'm so confused.

[d'Arthez]

Originally posted by EC

I guess I just forget how young I am sometimes. I feel so much older and I want so many things but I forget I am only 19. I have a lot of life left to live but I know I do love him and I guess I am trying to run away and push him away from me so that i could get over it now , rather than if we stay together and time breaks us up and I have to deal with it then.

 

Its so scary. I'm so confused.

 

I am 25, and I feel older oftentimes, if not always. It comes partially with what you are doing. Having a professional life makes it not too recommended to get wasted three days and nights straight. Even when you are attending school it is not recommended. At first he might not have to face any negative consequences, but your worrying should definitely qualify as a negative consequence.

You have expressed your worries, and as posted in another thread the association you have with partying + drinking = chances of cheating, does not vanish because he does not cheat. They are still there, only in this case the worries seem unjustified - but with lack of justification they don't magically disappear.

 

Maybe there do already exist a lot of issues, maybe there don't. Only you and your bf can realise what the issues are in your relationship. We might spot one or two from the things you post on LS, but if you don't perceive something as a problem, it has not yet become a problem for you.

 

I am not certain that you want to escape from the relationship, or not. Of course you are scared of losing it; after a year of LDR, at such an age, most people would. You stated you were scared to have to spend the rest of your life with your bf; but the only rational reason that could exist is when you feel you are growing apart.

 

That might be the case, but it might also be the case you suffer from anxiety. But in your thread the other day, you made a strange excuse to set him free, one of which I fear is a rationalization.

Then I started thinking (yeah I think a lot) that I have been your longest relationship and that how can you truly appreciate me without having something to compare me to. To seriously compare me to. So I thought you could take this break to have fun, with out having to worry about me, without having to worry about consequences to your actions, to just go nuts and let it out of your system and then when you move down see what happens with us. Am I nuts for this I dunno? But its just what I was thinking.

I don't know how truthful this is to your desire, but reason can deceive us in a big time, making us believe that we say what we believe we want. I think you offer him a free chance to screw up the relationship, to convince yourself that he did not love you in the first place, or that he was an idiot, because he did not screw up. Does it makes sense? Rationally, not. But in your mind it probably does.

 

You are not a bad person for that, but it will be extremely hard on you and your boyfriend to make sense of the current situation. As hard as it may sound, use the liberty you have permitted yourself and your boyfriend to improve yourself and your situation. As he will be near you in a few months time, you can hopefully reconnect then.

 

And maybe you should take it slowly then. To make certain of the connection, and to avoid getting involved in a situation which is unsalvageable. The sexual connection between the two of you is strong, but if the other parts are not there, you would be setting the both of you up for a lot of hurt.

 

Good luck, EC!

[moimeme]

I guess I am trying to run away and push him away from me so that i could get over it now , rather than if we stay together and time breaks us up and I have to deal with it then.

 

That's just craziness. Imagine your future if he were to die tomorrow.

 

 

If the light goes out of your life at the thought, then you're being foolish to try this pre-emptive breakup. However if there's even the slightest sense of relief at the idea, then there is some small doubt someplace that you're not acknowledging.

 

At any rate, if I were you, I'd wait until he moves there and then see how it goes. Do not rush into marriage or even living together. Plan to continue dating for another year. Don't try to outguess your own life - let it unfold as it's unfolding.

[CurlyIam]

AT 19 you have no freaking idea about what soul mate means. Trust ME. I'm not saying he's not inlove or that you're not inlove.

 

I have met myself an extraordinary person at 19. Girl, until you move in with him, you have no idea if you love him or not.

 

LDR sucks big time because you don't get to really know a person EACH moment of every day.

 

I also had panic attacks... guess what, I was right. It wasn't love that scared the **** out of me, it was the enormity of the commitment. EC, you don't have to call it "soul mates" "wife" "marriage". Just love him with all your heart. That will be enough.

 

 

Listen to your instinct very very carefully. I don't know why, but it can save your butt big time.

 

 

All I know is this: when you meet the right man, nothing scares you. No mountain is too high. Because you love eachother and you know you'll be ok at the end of the day. Think about that. I think you're scared because you're not ready for such a serious relationship. Even if indeed you love him. Don't know if I'm making any sense.

[EC]

Thank you guys!!!!

 

That might be the case, but it might also be the case you suffer from anxiety.

I really think I do. I'm actually reading a book I just bought called "If this is love, why do I feel so insecure?"

 

Its scary how much I am like what they are describing. I'm hoping this book can have some insight into what I am feeling.

 

That's just craziness.

I know it is buts thats how I feel and I am just trying to understand why I feel that way..why I do that?

 

 

 

You are not a bad person for that, but it will be extremely hard on you and your boyfriend to make sense of the current situation. As hard as it may sound, use the liberty you have permitted yourself and your boyfriend to improve yourself and your situation. As he will be near you in a few months time, you can hopefully reconnect then.

I am I'm going to take this time for me to figure out the mess in my head.

[EC]

All I know is this: when you meet the right man, nothing scares you. No mountain is too high. Because you love eachother and you know you'll be ok at the end of the day. Think about that. I think you're scared because you're not ready for such a serious relationship. Even if indeed you love him. Don't know if I'm making any sense.

 

 

Is that what is eating at me.....that I have all of this but I am just not ready for such a huge commitment? hmmmmm...............

[EC]

A friend sent me these lyrics....

[CurlyIam]

EC, I think you are indeed very fortunate to be in the situation that you are, as a matter of fact. If you are not sure, you owe it to yourself to know for sure. So take your time and find out.

 

If NC is what makes you comfortable, do it. Find the root of your restlessnes or at least try to. I for one know already what you'll find. IT's up to you to get there, though.

 

 

And when he comes back to you in 4 months, try not to move in with him right away. Don't let this discovery of eachother get the best of you. Remeber that you can and have to savour this relationship and in order to do so, take it EASY. You don't have to be the greatest lovers of all times. Simply enjoy your love and relationship... Giving in to it too quickly can burn you to pieces... Take it slowly... way more slowly... it won't be any less intense if you know what I mean.

[EC]

CurlyIam....you know I actually got that! Thank you so much Curly!

[GirlDown]

will it really not bother you if he takes this time to "got nuts and do things without having to worry about you and consequesnces for his actions?"

 

i don't know that i could handle that, if something were to happen...but maybe you could. that's very brave.

 

i wish you luck, EC, relationships are never easy, and they are especially more difficult and you're bit younger and feel like everything is supposed to be one way, and then you feel like you're rushing and it needs to be another, and then you doubt every little decision you make.

it's all so complicated, but eventually the complication will ease up, and you'll relax a bit more.

 

it'll work out, and it'll be okay.

 

i know everyone says that, and it sounds like cheesy, cliche advice, but when it really comes down to it, it WILL work out, and it WILL be okay.

 

[EC]

i know everyone says that, and it sounds like cheesy, cliche advice, but when it really comes down to it, it WILL work out, and it WILL be okay.

 

 

Man I hope so because I feel like a real basket case...lol But thanks to LS things are clearing up a bit. Still a bit hazy but definitely clearing up.

[GirlDown]

Originally posted by EC

 

 

 

Man I hope so because I feel like a real basket case...lol But thanks to LS things are clearing up a bit. Still a bit hazy but definitely clearing up.

 

isn't is crazy how this thing works?

 

somedays it's you best friend, other days your worst nightmare.

 

such is life i suppose, but thank goodness for those good days.