angiefly Posted December 11, 2014 Posted December 11, 2014 I broke it off with my ex tonight. He was emotionally abusive and up until tonight I haven't found the strength to leave. I'm starting NC, not to get him back, rather to move forward in my life and become a better me. I need all the support I can get because this is gonna be hard. Even though he was an ass I am finding this hard to do because my self esteem is so low right now. I've left before and he expects me to come back and I'm not gonna lie, I want him to miss me and realize that he lost a good woman! I know it won't make a difference how he feels in the long run but that's how I'm feeling right now. Anyway I'm a single mom of 3 (not his) and I work from home/have limited funds, what can I do to stay busy? 1
Satu Posted December 11, 2014 Posted December 11, 2014 (edited) After I left an abusive relationship, the big thing that I learned was that I didn't really understand my own needs, and how to take proper care of myself. I had to get to know myself before I could have any real chance of a happy life. Your thoughts, feelings, hopes, fears, dreams and wishes are important. Learn to see them that way. Honour them. Never tell yourself they don't matter. They do. You matter. Treat yourself the way you would treat your most beloved friend. Take an interest in yourself. Make yourself into a project. LOL I started out by journalling - just writing my thoughts down. After a while I started to surprise myself by the things that came up. Thoughts I'd never had before. Eventually I started to really like the person who wrote those things... Wow! That was me! Edited December 11, 2014 by Satu 3
mtnbiker3000 Posted December 11, 2014 Posted December 11, 2014 Well, finally someone who seems to get how to do this. Hahahahaha Seriously though, nice work. And it absolutely will be a difficult struggle. But you have the right mind set, so I think you'll be OK!!! Good job!! 1
Author angiefly Posted December 11, 2014 Author Posted December 11, 2014 After I left an abusive relationship, the big thing that I learned was that I didn't really understand my own needs, and how to take proper care of myself. I had to get to know myself before I could have any real chance of a happy life. Your thoughts, feelings, hopes, fears, dreams and wishes are important. Learn to see them that way. Honour them. Never tell yourself they don't matter. They do. You matter. Treat yourself the way you would treat your most beloved friend. Take an interest in yourself. Make yourself into a project. LOL I started out by journalling - just writing my thoughts down. After a while I started to surprise myself by the things that came up. Thoughts I'd never had before. Eventually I started to really like the person who wrote those things... Wow! That was me! Thanks Satu! It's true I don't even know myself anymore. It's like I get into a relationship and its all about them/their needs, so it will take some time to get used to this. I just freak myself out cause I'm panicking about getting through tomorrow, and so on. I'm trying to take it a minute at a time so I don't overwhelm myself but I just feel so crappy alone and I'm not even sure why! Thanks again for the advice. 2
Author angiefly Posted December 11, 2014 Author Posted December 11, 2014 Well, finally someone who seems to get how to do this. Hahahahaha Seriously though, nice work. And it absolutely will be a difficult struggle. But you have the right mind set, so I think you'll be OK!!! Good job!! Lol! I'm trying Just have to stick to the NC... I know it's what's best for me. 2
mtnbiker3000 Posted December 11, 2014 Posted December 11, 2014 There many, many strategies and techniques on best what to do written throughout these pages. I suggest a lot of reading. Here on LS and at your local library. I am amazed at what I have learned in the last 2 years!!! Good job so far, now keep it going!!! Strong, like an oak!! 2
Satu Posted December 11, 2014 Posted December 11, 2014 Thanks Satu! It's true I don't even know myself anymore. It's like I get into a relationship and its all about them/their needs, so it will take some time to get used to this. I just freak myself out cause I'm panicking about getting through tomorrow, and so on. I'm trying to take it a minute at a time so I don't overwhelm myself but I just feel so crappy alone and I'm not even sure why! Thanks again for the advice. You can do it 1
mtnbiker3000 Posted December 11, 2014 Posted December 11, 2014 (edited) Thanks Satu! It's true I don't even know myself anymore. It's like I get into a relationship and its all about them/their needs, so it will take some time to get used to this. There is a book I like to preach about on here It's called 'No More Mr. Nice Guy', by Robert Glover. Written for a man's perspective, but absolutely goes deep into what you describe here. I really think this would be valuable read for you. Plus, it's short and to the point!! Also, if he was abusive, you are more than likely co-dependent to some degree. There is a decent book called "Codependent No More" by Melody Beattie that you might like... I just freak myself out cause I'm panicking about getting through tomorrow, and so on. I'm trying to take it a minute at a time so I don't overwhelm myself This is correct!!! Edited December 11, 2014 by mtnbiker3000 2
PaperCrane Posted December 11, 2014 Posted December 11, 2014 The hardest part I find about NC is not the other person, it is yourself. I find that creative outlets work wonders. Listen to music, write, read, exercise and don't be afraid to feel what you need to feel. You'll find catharsis in many of the posts here. Just remember, as of right now he is dead to you. Treat it as such. Try keeping a handwritten journal of each day of NC. Not just about the NC, but the world and your life. You'll see there is so much there you'll wonder where he even fit in in the first place. 3
Author angiefly Posted December 11, 2014 Author Posted December 11, 2014 Ok I'm already feeling weak so I'm writing here rather than calling him... I have this "self destructive" thing where I imagine the worst possible outcomes (I don't think about it by choice, it's very intrusive thought... is that normal?) Anyway, all I can think about is him moving on and being happy and after hurting me with the abuse I'd rather him suffer some! (I know that's awful but I'm angry right now) Sorry to complain but I'd rather be here than contact him... Thanks everyone for the advice and support, it means the world to me!!!
ConfusedMike Posted December 11, 2014 Posted December 11, 2014 Ok I'm already feeling weak so I'm writing here rather than calling him... I have this "self destructive" thing where I imagine the worst possible outcomes (I don't think about it by choice, it's very intrusive thought... is that normal?) Anyway, all I can think about is him moving on and being happy and after hurting me with the abuse I'd rather him suffer some! (I know that's awful but I'm angry right now) Sorry to complain but I'd rather be here than contact him... Thanks everyone for the advice and support, it means the world to me!!! I think what you're feeling is entirely normal and I'm sure many people, including myself imagine what you're describing quite frequently. For me, I constanly think what you're describing because I find it unfair that my ex-gf may be enjoying life while I'm in such pain, but the reality is I'm sure she's not having the wonderful time I imagine...at least I hope not haha. I've broken NC many times over the past three months, but I've resolved to move on this time, not in the hopes of getting her back, but because there's no trust and I have no hope or faith that she'll change. The only thing breaking NC did was give me false hope, lots of anxiety, created so much more pain and ultimately NC again. The urge to break NC will be overwhelming at times and during those times, I write in my journal to jot down my feelings and also write letters to her that I'll never send. When I go back and read what I've written over the last year, it strengthens my resolve to remain strong, although the urge to break NC may still remain. I also read others people's journey on LS, express my feelings to get advice and support and it's helped me get through this and I would encourage you to do the same. For all of us, the journey will be a long and painful experience, but nobody deserves to be abused or cheated on. Stay strong and don't forget why you went NC in the first place. 1
ConfusedMike Posted December 11, 2014 Posted December 11, 2014 Last point, in my moments of weakness, I began to rationalize her behavior and minimized certain things and I was simply deluding myself. Stay strong because your mind will play tricks on you. 1
Author angiefly Posted December 11, 2014 Author Posted December 11, 2014 Last point, in my moments of weakness, I began to rationalize her behavior and minimized certain things and I was simply deluding myself. Stay strong because your mind will play tricks on you. Funny thing is I'm doing this as well... it's so weird how I rationalize and justify his behavior but I'm so darn hard on myself! Why is it easier to love someone else than yourself, I wonder? Well I started NC yesterday... continuing NC today. Thanks everyone!!! I'm glad I found you, LS community!!! 1
PaperCrane Posted December 11, 2014 Posted December 11, 2014 Funny thing is I'm doing this as well... it's so weird how I rationalize and justify his behavior but I'm so darn hard on myself! Why is it easier to love someone else than yourself, I wonder? Well I started NC yesterday... continuing NC today. Thanks everyone!!! I'm glad I found you, LS community!!! When my LTR ended, it shattered the core of my being. Looking back now, I understand she was emotionally abusive. Affection and sex would be withheld from me if I didn't do what she wanted. Everything I did was questioned as if I were a five year old just learning to tie his own shoes. Then immediately after it was flipped and I would be forced to make a decision within the relationship after being battered about how I lacked any sense. With this I feel some parallels because abuse, light or hard, from a partner causes one to feel as if they bear the sole weight of all the wrongdoing within the confines of that relationship. I began accepting 100% responsibility for the breakup. I began thinking that if I had done this, or had done that, if I had only tried harder, if only I had loved them more, if only I... and then it hit me. What was happening was that my brain was trying to control whatever it could in the face of this destructive force. It focused on what I could do to change things rather than realizing a relationship involves two people. Two people need to hold it up, not just one. The relationship had failed not because I didn't try hard enough or for any of the other reasons. It failed because the other person wasn't happy and was projecting their unhappiness onto me and using the relationship to punish me in an effort to justify it to themselves. For the record she is still unhappy for all the same reasons she listed when she broke up with me. Stay strong. Your head is just trying to control what it can, and that is totally normal. Try writing a letter to your ex, say everything you need or want to say in it. Then go out back and burn it in a coffee can. Bonus points for roasting marshmallows over it and making some s'mores! 2
Author angiefly Posted December 11, 2014 Author Posted December 11, 2014 Ugh! Every time my phone rings I hope it's him... this is not fun!!! I'm writing this to get my feelings out: I'm doubting myself and thinking that I overreacted. Maybe I'm blowing this out of proportion? No I'm not, it was NEVER gonna work anyway and he didn't treat me the way I want to be treated. I want a boyfriend I can talk to and he wouldn't let me express my feelings. I need to be able to be my fun loving self without fear of being judged or ridiculed and I couldn't with him because of the fear. I have to stay strong! NC, NC, NC!!!!! It will get better and I will be a stronger, better person because of this.
KBarletta Posted December 11, 2014 Posted December 11, 2014 Anyway, all I can think about is him moving on and being happy and after hurting me with the abuse I'd rather him suffer some! (I know that's awful but I'm angry right now) Sorry to complain but I'd rather be here than contact him... Thanks everyone for the advice and support, it means the world to me!!! It may sound awful, but it is human nature. This is a person who caused you unimaginable pain, so you want them to hurt, too. It's natural, and I have felt it myself. I wasn't in an abusive relationship by any stretch, but I was left, out of the blue and with no attempt to work on things, and it hurt me something awful. Still does. And it made things worse when I looked at her and saw no evidence that she was hurting. I think every day that I hope she has felt at least some of the same pain I have. Nothing to be ashamed of there. Keep posting here. Every time you want to contact him, remind yourself of some of the bad things - the reasons why you aren't together. It's only natural that you will want to contact him, but the best thing you can do for your own sanity is remember WHY this person is wrong for you and that you are only doing yourself more harm if you contact him. You deserve better. Don't forget that. 1
Author angiefly Posted December 11, 2014 Author Posted December 11, 2014 It may sound awful, but it is human nature. This is a person who caused you unimaginable pain, so you want them to hurt, too. It's natural, and I have felt it myself. I wasn't in an abusive relationship by any stretch, but I was left, out of the blue and with no attempt to work on things, and it hurt me something awful. Still does. And it made things worse when I looked at her and saw no evidence that she was hurting. I think every day that I hope she has felt at least some of the same pain I have. Nothing to be ashamed of there. Keep posting here. Every time you want to contact him, remind yourself of some of the bad things - the reasons why you aren't together. It's only natural that you will want to contact him, but the best thing you can do for your own sanity is remember WHY this person is wrong for you and that you are only doing yourself more harm if you contact him. You deserve better. Don't forget that. Thank you! I just wrote him a letter and he still has stuff at my house (I thought I got everything but found more) What should I do? Should I drop his stuff off (without seeing/speaking to him) and put the letter in his stuff or just not give him the letter? It just says how much he hurt me and I wrote the reason I broke this off with him in the letter too. Does it even matter that I "dumped" him as to how I handle this? Man this is hard as hell!
ConfusedMike Posted December 11, 2014 Posted December 11, 2014 Thank you! I just wrote him a letter and he still has stuff at my house (I thought I got everything but found more) What should I do? Should I drop his stuff off (without seeing/speaking to him) and put the letter in his stuff or just not give him the letter? It just says how much he hurt me and I wrote the reason I broke this off with him in the letter too. Does it even matter that I "dumped" him as to how I handle this? Man this is hard as hell! I know it sucks. I was driving into work today and I had this "great" idea that I'd send my ex 3 dozen roses (I used to send her 3 dozen every couple months just to let her know I was thinking about her) and say goodbye. I called the florist and they said because of the storm, their computers are down but I could order online. Thank God for that because it gave me time to come to my senses. You're incredibly hurt and vulnerable and you want some understanding, acknowledgment from him and closure, but you're not gonna get and neither will I. That realization I have to constantly repeat like a mantra because my heart wants to reach out and tell her I love her so bad despite all the deceit and lies, but my mind knows better. Don't send the letter, it won't give you what you're looking for just as sending her roses will not give me what I'm looking for. All we'll do is create false hope for ourselves and ultimately disappointment. I know it's hard, I fight this battle everyday and all I want is to hold her and tell her I love her. Please stay strong. You deserve much better. Sometimes familiarity and being comfortable with someone is the enemy. 1
Author angiefly Posted December 11, 2014 Author Posted December 11, 2014 I know it sucks. I was driving into work today and I had this "great" idea that I'd send my ex 3 dozen roses (I used to send her 3 dozen every couple months just to let her know I was thinking about her) and say goodbye. I called the florist and they said because of the storm, their computers are down but I could order online. Thank God for that because it gave me time to come to my senses. You're incredibly hurt and vulnerable and you want some understanding, acknowledgment from him and closure, but you're not gonna get and neither will I. That realization I have to constantly repeat like a mantra because my heart wants to reach out and tell her I love her so bad despite all the deceit and lies, but my mind knows better. Don't send the letter, it won't give you what you're looking for just as sending her roses will not give me what I'm looking for. All we'll do is create false hope for ourselves and ultimately disappointment. I know it's hard, I fight this battle everyday and all I want is to hold her and tell her I love her. Please stay strong. You deserve much better. Sometimes familiarity and being comfortable with someone is the enemy. Thank you Mike! You're right... besides if I have to justify or rationalize it then it's probably not a good idea anyway. Man, thanks everybody for all this support... It really does mean so much to me!!! I'm sticking to NC! BTW, Mike, good for you for NOT sending the roses. You deserve better too
KBarletta Posted December 11, 2014 Posted December 11, 2014 Thank you! I just wrote him a letter and he still has stuff at my house (I thought I got everything but found more) What should I do? Should I drop his stuff off (without seeing/speaking to him) and put the letter in his stuff or just not give him the letter? It just says how much he hurt me and I wrote the reason I broke this off with him in the letter too. Does it even matter that I "dumped" him as to how I handle this? Man this is hard as hell! I'd advise against the letter, but ultimately it's up to you. If he was abusive, I don't think you owe him anything by way of an explanation. He knows, or should know. Drop off his stuff when he's not around and let that be the end of it, I'd say. If this is someone you don't want to be with anymore, then the sooner you end contact with him, the sooner you can move on and heal. 1
Author angiefly Posted December 11, 2014 Author Posted December 11, 2014 I'd advise against the letter, but ultimately it's up to you. If he was abusive, I don't think you owe him anything by way of an explanation. He knows, or should know. Drop off his stuff when he's not around and let that be the end of it, I'd say. If this is someone you don't want to be with anymore, then the sooner you end contact with him, the sooner you can move on and heal. I agree. I am however struggling with the fact that I don't know if he realizes that he was emotionally abusive to me. I honestly don't know why that bothers me because weather he was aware of it or not he did it PERIOD. That should be the end of it but I'm over here trying to figure out the what and why... Sheesh I just really need to focus on me and why I put up with the **** as long as I did (1.5 years) When I broke it off with him he dismissed my feelings, as usual, and it just makes me so mad!! Even though I broke up with him it still hurts. He will never give me the love I deserve, NEVER so I am doing the right thing. I'm so angry today... Feels good to vent.
GoBlue Posted December 11, 2014 Posted December 11, 2014 If you want strength to get through and stay committed to NC - then look into the eyes of your three children every time you get the urge to contact him. Do you really want that kind of influence in their lives? You are a woman of high value, purpose, and meaning. You do not deserve to be treated any other way. There is no romantic relationship worth hurting your children over. Have you made contact with a counselor yet? A trained professional could help you look at yourself and answer the question, "why would I allow myself to be treated like this?" I have come to understand my true place in this world by renewing my relationship with Christ. He shows you what real love is and He is present with you now. My thoughts and prayers are with you! Be blessed. 1
ConfusedMike Posted December 11, 2014 Posted December 11, 2014 I agree. I am however struggling with the fact that I don't know if he realizes that he was emotionally abusive to me. I honestly don't know why that bothers me because weather he was aware of it or not he did it PERIOD. That should be the end of it but I'm over here trying to figure out the what and why... Sheesh I just really need to focus on me and why I put up with the **** as long as I did (1.5 years) When I broke it off with him he dismissed my feelings, as usual, and it just makes me so mad!! Even though I broke up with him it still hurts. He will never give me the love I deserve, NEVER so I am doing the right thing. I'm so angry today... Feels good to vent. You are doing the right thing. Everything you're feeling, thinking and rationalizing are exactly the same things I'm doing because our hearts are so vested in the person we loved. We want to have hope that they will understand and come running back and say I'm sorry! I was wrong! And that may happen for a period of time, but for how long. Behavior is difficult to change, maybe for a short time, but everyone gets comfortable and ultimately the behavior repeats itself. I don't know why my ex-gf cheated. I don't know why even as I walked away she told me I'm the only one she ever loved and that she wanted to marry me now. It doesn't make any sense in my mind and I try to dissect everything all day long...it's exhausting. Sometimes, we just need a fresh start. For me, what we originally had felt so pure and innocent and it spiraled into lies and deceit. Whenever you feel that momentary weakness or panic, share your feelings here or write a journal. I reread the journal I've been keeping for the last 15 months and it reads like a train wreck. Don't know why I put myself through it. Unless you truly believe and have faith that he will acknowledge what he did and change, there's no point in trying to get him to understand. It'll just hurt and disappoint you and delay your ability to heal. 1
Author angiefly Posted December 12, 2014 Author Posted December 12, 2014 You are doing the right thing. Everything you're feeling, thinking and rationalizing are exactly the same things I'm doing because our hearts are so vested in the person we loved. We want to have hope that they will understand and come running back and say I'm sorry! I was wrong! And that may happen for a period of time, but for how long. Behavior is difficult to change, maybe for a short time, but everyone gets comfortable and ultimately the behavior repeats itself. I don't know why my ex-gf cheated. I don't know why even as I walked away she told me I'm the only one she ever loved and that she wanted to marry me now. It doesn't make any sense in my mind and I try to dissect everything all day long...it's exhausting. Sometimes, we just need a fresh start. For me, what we originally had felt so pure and innocent and it spiraled into lies and deceit. Whenever you feel that momentary weakness or panic, share your feelings here or write a journal. I reread the journal I've been keeping for the last 15 months and it reads like a train wreck. Don't know why I put myself through it. Unless you truly believe and have faith that he will acknowledge what he did and change, there's no point in trying to get him to understand. It'll just hurt and disappoint you and delay your ability to heal. Thank you for these words of encouragement! I agree with everything you said and reading this really helped me. I really need to realize my worth. Right now I'm trying to rebuild my self esteem after he tore it down. Thanks again!
Recommended Posts