feeling so insecure: thinking of the past & guy I'm dating now

[amyO]

God, I don't know what to think anymore in terms of relationships and the guys I meet. I was just looking back on my past posts here and seeing what I've written about and feeling as though nothing changes. I've learned to always accept the worst with a guy I am dating. I'm so used to being involved in the wrong things or being with someone that isn't who I thought they were. I'm so tired of it and it upsets me that I have all these insecurities from being so hurt in the past.

 

I recently posted on here about I guy I'm seeing. Everything is great when we're together, but I do find myself seeing some red flags. I can't decipher if it truly is my insecurities or my instincts that something is different or wrong in some way. I've been beyond right in the past with someone I'm dating and I'm having those feelings again that something is off.

 

Lately, I've been noticing that his ex-girlfriend is in his top friends list on snapchat ( I know I sound pathetic) , but it sucks to see that. Last night he became friends with a girl on instagram. I looked up her username on google (again pathetic) and saw she had at least 5 dating profiles. Making me believe they had to meet somewhere on a dating site. I checked on the dating app we had met on because I began to worry at that point and it said he had been on the app that night.

 

I've been realizing the past few days that he has been weird with answering me. He either doesn't respond until hours later, the next day or nothing at all. I texted him before to try and see if it was all in my head, but he's been online and snapchatted and still hasn't answered me at all.

 

I 'm having trouble trying to decide if I'm so insecure it's scary or that I have valid reasons to feel a little worried. I sometimes feel as though to some degree he might be a little insecure and maybe gets a confidence boost from liking girl's pictures online or becoming friends with pretty girls. I know he is still close to his ex, but I'm not sure how close.

 

We had a great weekend together, but now something seems strange. I'm very confused. I want to bring up how I'm feeling and state my concerns, but I'm terrified to appear crazy or obnoxious.

 

Idk it's all just upsetting me. It makes me feel like nothing is ever going to work out. I'm sad that I seem to fall for the wrong guys.

[KindlyUnspoken23]

Message me if you want. I feel the exact same way as you. Maybe talking to someone who understands will help. I know my friends are starting to think I'm crazy.

[Danda]

I can relate a lot. Even after putting in 2 years' worth of therapy, I still have lingering issues, and probably the biggest and most obnoxious one is feeling like my instincts are a bit messed up, never being super confident that a gut feeling is right or just my 'issues' flaring up.

 

Try focusing on just one thing at a time, and you might not have to go through the whole list to reach a conclusion.

 

When you text him, he ignores you either for a long time or completely. I think that alone is pretty significant.

[Brooke02]

I can relate a lot. Even after putting in 2 years' worth of therapy, I still have lingering issues, and probably the biggest and most obnoxious one is feeling like my instincts are a bit messed up, never being super confident that a gut feeling is right or just my 'issues' flaring up.

 

Try focusing on just one thing at a time, and you might not have to go through the whole list to reach a conclusion.

 

When you text him, he ignores you either for a long time or completely. I think that alone is pretty significant.

 

^^this and why is he on the dating app if you guys are in a relationship...

I think what you stated in your thread is valid points of concern. Always trust your gut.. Dont ignore it.

 

I know what your feeling, reading your post brought up past feelings for me. In my last relationship I ignored my gut for 9 months and it ended the way i knew it would.. Hurt.

 

You'll find the right person & will be happy, even if you have a few relationships inbetween as "stepping stones"

[amyO]

Message me if you want. I feel the exact same way as you. Maybe talking to someone who understands will help. I know my friends are starting to think I'm crazy.

 

aww, thanks so much. It's a horrible feeling isn't it? :/

[amyO]

I can relate a lot. Even after putting in 2 years' worth of therapy, I still have lingering issues, and probably the biggest and most obnoxious one is feeling like my instincts are a bit messed up, never being super confident that a gut feeling is right or just my 'issues' flaring up.

 

Try focusing on just one thing at a time, and you might not have to go through the whole list to reach a conclusion.

 

When you text him, he ignores you either for a long time or completely. I think that alone is pretty significant.

 

Yeah, it's tough to get rid of these feelings. It's not an easy thing to deal with.

 

Definitely trying to focus on one thing. It's been almost two hours and he still hasn't responded to my text. I've noticed though that's it says he's been on his "mobile" on facebook. So strange to me. I'm not someone who is annoying and texts every day or is constantly trying to get his attention. We last texted on Monday, but when I responded last he never wrote anything back after. I thought that was weird then too, but now it seems even weirder. I feel like i have an answer. Which sucks. Hopefully, I can still bring it all up and we can maybe talk..instead of this passive-aggressive type of thing going on.

[amyO]

^^this and why is he on the dating app if you guys are in a relationship...

I think what you stated in your thread is valid points of concern. Always trust your gut.. Dont ignore it.

 

I know what your feeling, reading your post brought up past feelings for me. In my last relationship I ignored my gut for 9 months and it ended the way i knew it would.. Hurt.

 

You'll find the right person & will be happy, even if you have a few relationships inbetween as "stepping stones"

 

Thank you for your post. My gut has been right before, but I'm really hoping it's not right this time :/ I really believed this was the best guy I've met..and was excited for things to continue between us. I guess one day i'll truly meet a wonderful guy... it's hard though going through all these "stepping stones." Lot of heartbreak.

[KindlyUnspoken23]

aww, thanks so much. It's a horrible feeling isn't it? :/

 

I just realized you can't message people on here? Kinda weird. Let me know if you want my email or something. Maybe talking to you will help answer some of my own questions. I know EXACTLY how you're feeling with the texting thing.

[endlessabyss]

Dating is impossible with social media lol. It takes one message sent to blow your relationship up.

 

 

I would be concerned if I was you, but that's just me.

 

 

After reading what you posted, it sounds so miserable, and not something that brings happiness to your life.

 

 

Why do you continue to do this to yourself?

[endlessabyss]

I just realized you can't message people on here? Kinda weird. Let me know if you want my email or something. Maybe talking to you will help answer some of my own questions. I know EXACTLY how you're feeling with the texting thing.

 

I think you need 50 posts.

 

 

I just messaged someone the other day.

[amyO]

Dating is impossible with social media lol. It takes one message sent to blow your relationship up.

 

 

I would be concerned if I was you, but that's just me.

 

 

After reading what you posted, it sounds so miserable, and not something that brings happiness to your life.

 

 

Why do you continue to do this to yourself?

 

social media is horrible with relationships. However, it shouldn't have to be that way.if someone is committed and cares about you, they wouldn't think to go on a dating website or potentially? talk to other girls. In this case, social media really did show me who he is and how he feels about me.

 

Unfortunately, I try to always see the good in everyone. I guess i'm too nice at times. It's probably my biggest fault. I want to believe that they're better than that or they didn't truly mean what they did. I'm the one that's always hurt though.

 

This latest "relationship" is making me very cynical about relationships, guys in general and love. I can't imagine dating anymore if the outcome is always like this. I'm so tired and sad that I never seem to meet a good person. It hurts like hell. I would love more than anything to meet a wonderful guy, but I really don't think it's in my cards. i feel silly for saying that as I'm only 22, but there's only so much one can take.

[Eighty_nine]

I have the same problem. I have a hard time figuring out if it's my "gut", intuition, when I'm feeling insecure or of it's just based on past betrayals and lack of trust in other relationships. So I've just started being honest with the guy I'm dating if I'm feeling insecure (like, when he takes an hour and a half to reply to me on a Saturday). And he's reassures me in a simple way. His total non-defensiveness is the best evidence I have that most of my worries are in my head. But I also know it could push him away, all this insecurity. It is really tough.

 

I'm in therapy too and this is a topic I definitely need to bring up.

In your case, unfortunately there are some red flags. It's not cool to clearly be online/on his phone and not responding to you. I think you have a right to bring it up. The anxiety will ruin the relationship anyway if you don't talk to him about it.

[amyO]

I have the same problem. I have a hard time figuring out if it's my "gut", intuition, when I'm feeling insecure or of it's just based on past betrayals and lack of trust in other relationships. So I've just started being honest with the guy I'm dating if I'm feeling insecure (like, when he takes an hour and a half to reply to me on a Saturday). And he's reassures me in a simple way. His total non-defensiveness is the best evidence I have that most of my worries are in my head. But I also know it could push him away, all this insecurity. It is really tough.

 

I'm in therapy too and this is a topic I definitely need to bring up.

In your case, unfortunately there are some red flags. It's not cool to clearly be online/on his phone and not responding to you. I think you have a right to bring it up. The anxiety will ruin the relationship anyway if you don't talk to him about it.

 

I definitely think this something everyone faces at one time or another. It's difficult when you really like someone and are truly invested in a relationship. We want it to be great and if there is a slight chance of something being wrong, it can make us feel confused and hurt.

 

I only started dating when I went away to college 4 years ago. I was even more insecure back then. I used to be upset when a guy didn't text me back or didn't follow up on something. Thankfully I matured a little and started dating even more and got more experience with relationships and all of that. I think you grow to realize when someone doesn't respond right away that's it not a big deal or they forget or honestly are very busy. You realize how pathetic you were in the past haha (still working on my insecurities though and myself!!) This guy is the first one in a long time that I'm feeling insecure in that way again. I feel so silly even bringing up social media and texting because it can all sound so dumb. However, in today's world, it really is a big part of relationships. I can see his activity and what he's doing. The fact that he clearly was ignoring me and didn't care hurts a lot.

 

I finally wrote him back this morning. I was curious if he would answer and what he would say. I asked if everything was alright. He responded that he fell asleep early last night and it's been a hectic week. I took the response with a grain of salt. Especially with everything I've been noticing lately that he's doing. I was so close to saying that's BS. I wrote you around dinner time and you were doing multiple things after.

 

Idk I overall just feel stupid with this situation. I know something is up and I want to discuss it in person. I can totally sense it. I wish he would be honest with me.

 

I'm scared to bring up things like this with guys in general. I experienced this with my EX. He was very flaky and I finally spoke up and he instead blamed it all on me and said it was like I was accusing him of a bad crime. The last two guys i dated/talked to, I didn't speak up at all. I wish I said something because I was hurt by their actions, but it just shows me either way it doesn't always work.

[jphcbpa]

stop with the texting and start making phone calls.

 

perhaps you need to do NC via text for a while??? and let him know is he wants to "talk" he can be a man and pick up the phone for contact.

 

texting and social media is killing real, open, authentic, vulnerable communication

[losangelena]

I second going no contact to see what he'll do.

 

How long have you guys been dating?

 

I totally relate to your struggle. My intuition is rarely wrong, but sometimes I wonder if I'm just overly pessimistic. I've only been proven wrong a handful of times.

[amyO]

I've been doing the whole NC with him. I haven't spoken to him since Thursday. I almost felt bad after I asked him if everything was okay because he kept texting back and starting a conversation to show he felt bad that I felt that way.

 

However, I'm still questioning everything. He keeps liking the girl I mentioned in my first post-all her pictures. I also realized she's from the town right next to him which made me further speculate that if they did "matcH' on a dating profile it's because they live near one another.

 

I went on the dating app that him and I met on and saw that he was on it again last night.

 

I'm not sure what to do next. I really believe he isn't seeing that girl. She seems to become friends with a lot of guys. However, I'm so confused what happened this week. Last weekend was fine and then it was during the week something took place with him? I don't want to keep questioning him, but I also want him to be honest with me.

 

Of course he went back to visit his family this weekend so I'm not sure when I'll see him next. If we do speak about this, I'm not sure what to even say. A lot of this was me digging around. How would I approach this all?

[Gaeta]

I checked on the dating app we had met on because I began to worry at that point and it said he had been on the app that night. .

 

Finding a boyfriend on a dating site is not ground to worry, it's ground to break up with him.

 

He either doesn't respond until hours later, the next day or nothing at all. I texted him before to try and see if it was all in my head, but he's been online and snapchatted and still hasn't answered me at all..

 

He is ignoring you, he is an inconsiderate @ss. A good boyfriend does not ignore his gf's text over night unless he is stuck somewhere in north pole and has no connection.

 

I 'm having trouble trying to decide if I'm so insecure it's scary or that I have valid reasons to feel a little worried. .

 

You are not insecure, your instinct is telling you this treatment is not right, stop ignoring your instinct.

 

If your sister, or mom, or best friend were in your situation, with a boyfriend on a dating app and ignoring their messages how would you advice them? If it's not good enough for them then it's not good enough for you either.

[amyO]

Thank you everyone for your replies. I have some interesting updates. Still confused on what to think/feel.

 

I had mentioned that I saw the guy I was dating back on the dating app we used to meet. The day after I asked him if everything was okay, I actually received an email from the app saying there were glitches with their "last seen" feature (the time a person last used the app). When I went back on it after that email, it said he hadn't been on in 3 months. Which is when we first met.

 

I'm glad I never brought this up with him or he would have been like what the F is this girl talking about. Weirdest/strangest occurrence.

 

However, I still feel like he is being really strange. After I asked him if everything was okay, we texted back and forth. Idk if he felt bad that I felt something was weird or he realized he was caught for ignoring me and wanted to write back.

 

After, we went a week without speaking to one another. I thought that was reallllly weird. We've never done that. I was hoping to at least see him in person to just talk. I asked him this past thursday (after a week of not talking) if he was free that weekend to hang out. He wrote back that he was sick, but that he would see how he was feeling saturday morning and that "maybe" we could plan something. Didn't hear from him all weekend. Not even to say that he was still feeling ill.

 

I can't figure out what I'm sensing. I know something is up or that he must be over me for some reason. I think more than anything I'm confused how he came to that conclusion. Everything was fine the last time we hung out (2 weeks ago) and he even wrote to me when I got home after leaving him. It was a few days later he started ignoring me and I started feeling like things were up between us. Especially him following other girls on social media/talking to his ex and so forth.

 

I'm going to see if on Christmas day he writes anything to me. If i don't hear from him then I will know that it's over. A little heartbroken over this distance between us.

 

I feel crazy, but i guess I'm an insecure girl and it's hard for me to handle things when I feel they're going south :/