Danda Posted December 11, 2014 Posted December 11, 2014 So first up, I know there are probably special exceptions, so if you're one of them, please don't take this as some kind of personal attack. But when I am looking as guys' dating profiles or personal ads, and I see them ramble off this long list of their traits like, Kind Nice Patient Respectful Good Honest And so on, it kind of creeps me out. I feel like these things should be inherent, and it just gives me a weird creepy vibe if a guy feels some compulsion to use stuff like this to describe himself. It's almost like he's trying to think of a list of stuff that makes people 'good' and then lists them all as they come to his mind, and it almost makes it seem like.. Idunno, like it's a lot more likely that he's not those things if he's listing them off like that to describe himself. In my brain (which happens to be extremely sarcastic, I can't help it), I just want to finish the list for them with something like, "And I have never set a kitten on fire." Just for record. These types of ads/profiles just stand out to me. They all tend to be extremely similar. When I look at a profile/ad and look at the personality portion of the description, I'm generally looking for things that make them unique as a person, not vehement, rambling promises that they will never lie to me, fly into a violent rage in the middle of a diner or chloroform me and stuff me in the freezer. Like I expect people, standards-wise, to be decent human beings, and I figure that if they're not, they're not going to straight up tell me, anyway. Does anyone else get the same creepy vibe when they see this sort of thing (make or female profiles/ads), or is it just me being cynical and weird? Maybe it's because I've had a handful of cases where I responded to profiles/ads like that, and they turned out to be nuts. I think more often it has been a guy getting to know me, and insists very heavily to me early on how wonderful he is, how every other women has taken him for granted and just this whole thing that almost seems scripted after a while, and then they turn out to be totally nuts. I'm wondering if there is a female equivalent of this that men see when they are browsing profiles/ads? I also wonder if there are some people out there who are not psychos but who put this sort of thing in their ad/profile anyway for some other reason(s). Thoughts?
angel.eyes Posted December 11, 2014 Posted December 11, 2014 Well, when they start talking about how no woman has ever appreciated them, that was your signal to exit. You're missing that completely and focusing instead on the wrong things. The guy who had no photos, but would email them to you, and claimed he was honest....It didn't take a rocket scientist to figure out he was married. Learn to focus on the big picture. For the most part, guys who claimed to be those things, and had activities going on in their lives that reflected those traits, always were those things in my experience. You can figure out a lot about a person's character from their choices and just letting them talk. 1
Author Danda Posted December 11, 2014 Author Posted December 11, 2014 Well, when they start talking about how no woman has ever appreciated them, that was your signal to exit. You're missing that completely and focusing instead on the wrong things. The guy who had no photos, but would email them to you, and claimed he was honest....It didn't take a rocket scientist to figure out he was married. Learn to focus on the big picture. For the most part, guys who claimed to be those things, and had activities going on in their lives that reflected those traits, always were those things in my experience. You can figure out a lot about a person's character from their choices and just letting them talk. Yeah I agree with you. I am mostly curious though how people respond to profiles/ads that list a bunch of morality-themed words as a description of the person's personality. That has just always struck me in a weird, creepy way, and I've had experiences with interacting with guys with that type of profile, and they all turned out to be crazy with anger issues and whatnot. I was just thinking of it, because I browse CL just about every night even if I rarely respond to anything, and there was an ad where the guy not only listed off a bunch of like, buzz words? Like that. But he even went so far as to specify that he thinks it's wrong for men to beat up women. I was just like what the hell lol.
angel.eyes Posted December 11, 2014 Posted December 11, 2014 Perhaps look somewhere else besides Craig's List if these are character traits that matter to you. If you fish in a swamp, don't be surprised to find bottom feeders on your hook. Just sayin'. 1
Author Danda Posted December 11, 2014 Author Posted December 11, 2014 Perhaps look somewhere else besides Craig's List if these are character traits that matter to you. If you fish in a swamp, don't be surprised to find bottom feeders on your hook. Just sayin'. Yeah I hear ya. But I also joined OKCupid, and have tried OLD in the past. CL is not the only place I see this stuff. I am not upset or discouraged by my current endeavors. I have just never understood why people list this stuff in their profiles/ads.
angel.eyes Posted December 11, 2014 Posted December 11, 2014 How's your profile and photos? Who you repel is as important as who you attract.
angel.eyes Posted December 11, 2014 Posted December 11, 2014 Oh, and it's in their profile, because it attracts a certain type of woman.
elaine567 Posted December 11, 2014 Posted December 11, 2014 So first up, I know there are probably special exceptions, so if you're one of them, please don't take this as some kind of personal attack. But when I am looking as guys' dating profiles or personal ads, and I see them ramble off this long list of their traits like, Kind Nice Patient Respectful Good Honest And so on, it kind of creeps me out. I feel like these things should be inherent, and it just gives me a weird creepy vibe if a guy feels some compulsion to use stuff like this to describe himself. It's almost like he's trying to think of a list of stuff that makes people 'good' and then lists them all as they come to his mind, and it almost makes it seem like.. Idunno, like it's a lot more likely that he's not those things if he's listing them off like that to describe himself. In my brain (which happens to be extremely sarcastic, I can't help it), I just want to finish the list for them with something like, "And I have never set a kitten on fire." Just for record. These types of ads/profiles just stand out to me. They all tend to be extremely similar. When I look at a profile/ad and look at the personality portion of the description, I'm generally looking for things that make them unique as a person, not vehement, rambling promises that they will never lie to me, fly into a violent rage in the middle of a diner or chloroform me and stuff me in the freezer. Like I expect people, standards-wise, to be decent human beings, and I figure that if they're not, they're not going to straight up tell me, anyway. Does anyone else get the same creepy vibe when they see this sort of thing (make or female profiles/ads), or is it just me being cynical and weird? Maybe it's because I've had a handful of cases where I responded to profiles/ads like that, and they turned out to be nuts. I think more often it has been a guy getting to know me, and insists very heavily to me early on how wonderful he is, how every other women has taken him for granted and just this whole thing that almost seems scripted after a while, and then they turn out to be totally nuts. I'm wondering if there is a female equivalent of this that men see when they are browsing profiles/ads? I also wonder if there are some people out there who are not psychos but who put this sort of thing in their ad/profile anyway for some other reason(s). Thoughts? I think some just list the things they think women want to hear, some will do it deliberately in order to lure the unwary and some will just be a bit naive or unused to the dating game. There will also be folk that are just being truthful. They are "Kind Nice Patient Respectful Good Honest" It's just a pity, they are ruined, by the guys just out there to scam women. 1
JuneJulySeptember Posted December 11, 2014 Posted December 11, 2014 Kind Nice Patient Respectful Good Honest I actually do agree with you, but I wouldn't include patient on that list. I see profiles for women and they are like "I work hard, I play hard, I know what I want in life and I want a man who is the same." When I see something like that I think she's a pretty ruthless person who will roll over other people to get what she wants and reach her goals. Pretty much the opposite of patient. And no I don't think most people have all of those characteristics you listed, but that's another story. I would never screen out a woman for posting any of those though.
Author Danda Posted December 11, 2014 Author Posted December 11, 2014 I think some just list the things they think women want to hear, some will do it deliberately in order to lure the unwary and some will just be a bit naive or unused to the dating game. There will also be folk that are just being truthful. They are "Kind Nice Patient Respectful Good Honest" It's just a pity, they are ruined, by the guys just out there to scam women. I just always get a feel from it that is really off-putting to me, but I can't pinpoint exactly why. Like it's different if someone lists a couple things that are really important to them especially. But when I just see a long, rambling list of what seem to be positive buzz words, it makes me suspicious. Maybe it's almost like I feel like the person is trying to manipulate me (just as any viewer) right off the bat or something. I'm self-aware that I have issues in a vague sense, given my personal history, but I don't exactly know the fine details of those issues in some ways. So sometimes I'm not sure if I'm detecting something sketchy, or if I'm just being really cynical. I've done a lot of work / made a lot of progress in most regards as far as issues go, but I think I can still be hyper-vigilant at times. Wasn't sure if this was one of those things, or if other people think it's odd, as well.
Author Danda Posted December 11, 2014 Author Posted December 11, 2014 How's your profile and photos? Who you repel is as important as who you attract. My profile is still pretty empty. I tend to either be pretty blunt, or in a really sarcastic mood, or in riled up soapbox mode. Those seem to be my three main modes of communicating. None of which feel quite right when trying to write profile stuff. I guess I could wait until I get into one of my bizarre, rambling philosophical trips and write it out then lol. And I look pissed in my photo, I think. Will try to take a better one later.
todreaminblue Posted December 11, 2014 Posted December 11, 2014 No matter when you are trying to meet someone be it online or in the world....no one is going to say ....i have a rotten temper i drink way too much and when i do i punch on......i dont really hold respect for women and my mother is a whore or a bitch..to a woman they just have met or have been on a couple of dates with....nice guys would not say that and nasty guys...well they know what to say ......and 3what not to say....and they dont i have found the only way to truly know someone ...is time spent in their company without sex in the equation to complicate the dynamic..... and by word of mouth(tried and true) and even then the dynamic of two people together can be fire and ice......so the dread friend zone is often the best place to meet someone who you would mesh with ......thats my opinion...you have to truly like someone they have to be able to be your best friend...... and friendship that turns to love ......is often a really strong bond....... words are beautiful things...they dont mean much if they are not in the heart of the person...or fi they dont come from the heart they are rather empty...that takes time to determine......and honesty.......well....if they arent honest.....then that also takes time to figure out......at some point you just have to trust, especially if you want to find love... some guys who are extremely loving can say all the wrong words......write all the wrong words......but .....doesnt mean anything on what their heart holds.....and a dynamic relationship can bring out the best in them....as all good relationships should bring out the best....... words and all..you need to see words in action.......not on a screen........deb 3
elaine567 Posted December 11, 2014 Posted December 11, 2014 I just always get a feel from it that is really off-putting to me, but I can't pinpoint exactly why. Like it's different if someone lists a couple things that are really important to them especially. But when I just see a long, rambling list of what seem to be positive buzz words, it makes me suspicious. Maybe it's almost like I feel like the person is trying to manipulate me (just as any viewer) right off the bat or something. I'm self-aware that I have issues in a vague sense, given my personal history, but I don't exactly know the fine details of those issues in some ways. So sometimes I'm not sure if I'm detecting something sketchy, or if I'm just being really cynical. I've done a lot of work / made a lot of progress in most regards as far as issues go, but I think I can still be hyper-vigilant at times. Wasn't sure if this was one of those things, or if other people think it's odd, as well. Perhaps you are finding the guys creepy and then checking their profiles and associating the two, ie the profile = creepy guy. When if you were to conduct a proper survey and look at it objectively you may find that profiles who use those particular words are not really associated with creepy guys.
elaine567 Posted December 11, 2014 Posted December 11, 2014 some guys who are extremely loving can say all the wrong words......write all the wrong words......but .....doesnt mean anything on what their heart holds.....and a dynamic relationship can bring out the best in them....as all good relationships should bring out the best....... words and all..you need to see words in action.......not on a screen........deb This ^^^
insert_name Posted December 11, 2014 Posted December 11, 2014 Well I would say that creepy is a bit of an over the top reaction, no offence (everything seems to be creepy nowadays so I suppose I should be used to it). But I do agree with the principle that its an odd thing to put on a profile. I notice that pretty much every girl on match seems to be doing it and all the girls on OKC that don't have a funny, conversational style of profile (ie all the ones with very matter of fact, not very funny profiles). Listing their positive character traits: 'Loyal, funny, kind, compassionate, loving' etc. It always makes me wonder why that person thinks they are the best person to be the judge of what their positive traits are? I studiously avoid saying that I am this, or I am that because its for others to judge. But I do wonder if that contributes to my lack of replies as others may perceive it that I am not selling myself hard enough by telling you how awesome I am through a list of one word descriptors that probably lacks objectivity. I think I could understand it a bit more if people threw in the odd negative character trait to round themselves out and give an honest picture. You could then have some faith that they are self aware of the negatives to know their positives. But when everyone is funny kind loyal etc with no bad aspects at all you can only surmise that they are just plucking words out of the air to nice themselves up a bit and its to be taken with a large dose of salt.
Author Danda Posted December 11, 2014 Author Posted December 11, 2014 Perhaps you are finding the guys creepy and then checking their profiles and associating the two, ie the profile = creepy guy. When if you were to conduct a proper survey and look at it objectively you may find that profiles who use those particular words are not really associated with creepy guys. Yeah that's a good point, hadn't crossed my mind. It very well could be different things that have attracted me to certain types throughout my life, and I just honed in on the wrong things during correlation/causation type thinking. It's hard trying to build certain things from scratch as a young adult that probably should have developed in early childhood lol. Like basic intuition type instincts. Got rid of all my 'bad' stuff in therapy over a year ago, but have still been trying to build up 'good' stuff in some ways. It's like.. Aspergers meets paranoia or some **** lol.
Author Danda Posted December 11, 2014 Author Posted December 11, 2014 Well I would say that creepy is a bit of an over the top reaction, no offence (everything seems to be creepy nowadays so I suppose I should be used to it). But I do agree with the principle that its an odd thing to put on a profile. I notice that pretty much every girl on match seems to be doing it and all the girls on OKC that don't have a funny, conversational style of profile (ie all the ones with very matter of fact, not very funny profiles). Listing their positive character traits: 'Loyal, funny, kind, compassionate, loving' etc. It always makes me wonder why that person thinks they are the best person to be the judge of what their positive traits are? I studiously avoid saying that I am this, or I am that because its for others to judge. But I do wonder if that contributes to my lack of replies as others may perceive it that I am not selling myself hard enough by telling you how awesome I am through a list of one word descriptors that probably lacks objectivity. I think I could understand it a bit more if people threw in the odd negative character trait to round themselves out and give an honest picture. You could then have some faith that they are self aware of the negatives to know their positives. But when everyone is funny kind loyal etc with no bad aspects at all you can only surmise that they are just plucking words out of the air to nice themselves up a bit and its to be taken with a large dose of salt. Yeah I feel pretty similar about it. But I tend to be really awkward socially in some ways and analyze stuff way too much. When I'm giving other people advice, whether friends or on a forum like this one, it's easier to be logical/wise because I'm personally detached. I think I do it in part because it helps me see some of my own situations more clearly in certain ways, too, if I analyze someone else's similar situation and then see what my brain comes up with when I'm not personally invested. But then actually getting into it is much more difficult (naturally). I look at profiles and can't tell if I am having normal gut reactions that I should trust, or if I am being crazy lol. And when I try to write my own profile it's just ugh. 1
endlessabyss Posted December 11, 2014 Posted December 11, 2014 I think online dating profiles are just mundane, period. This goes for both sexes. Every time I would browse I would see the same thing: I'm a student, I'm outgoing, my friends/family are important, I like drinking wine, I like to laugh, blah, blah, blah.....same old, same old. I just got rid of it all. I'd rather meet people in person, than be glued to my technology trying to find a date.
elaine567 Posted December 11, 2014 Posted December 11, 2014 (edited) I think I could understand it a bit more if people threw in the odd negative character trait to round themselves out and give an honest picture. You could then have some faith that they are self aware of the negatives to know their positives. But when everyone is funny kind loyal etc with no bad aspects at all you can only surmise that they are just plucking words out of the air to nice themselves up a bit and its to be taken with a large dose of salt. What negative traits would you advise anyone to throw into the mix? Advertising is advertising and profiles are advertising people. So whilst I may advertise cereal as being wholesome, filling and good for you, I am not going to say the amount of sugar in it may rot your teeth and risk you getting diabetes, if want to sell it, am I? Edited December 11, 2014 by elaine567
Author Danda Posted December 11, 2014 Author Posted December 11, 2014 I think online dating profiles are just mundane, period. This goes for both sexes. Every time I would browse I would see the same thing: I'm a student, I'm outgoing, my friends/family are important, I like drinking wine, I like to laugh, blah, blah, blah.....same old, same old. I just got rid of it all. I'd rather meet people in person, than be glued to my technology trying to find a date. Does that work, though? I have such a rough time dating, whether casual or serious or whatever, because it takes me a bit to warm up to people and see if I'm feeling them or not. I don't really care if they like sports, if they believe in a higher power or whatever. I just feel obligated to read profiles and to fill mine out. But to me it feels like, "Are you okay with my face?" And if so then let's grab coffee or something. Lol. When I attempted a casual hookup a couple weeks ago, I thought I'd be fine as far as no attachment because the guy and I had almost nothing in common. Very different cultures, no common interests. I also got the impression from his FaceBook that he wasn't all that bright and was a shallow-thinking tool. This all seemed well and perfect for an NSA experiment. But when we actually got together, he was very intelligent and interesting, and we had a lot of things in common that I never would have picked up on from his FaceBook. Our sense of humor clicked and I was just shocked at how much I enjoyed his company. That's the kind of **** that makes me suck at stuff like dating. I can't do it based off checklists and whatnot.
endlessabyss Posted December 11, 2014 Posted December 11, 2014 Does that work, though? I have such a rough time dating, whether casual or serious or whatever, because it takes me a bit to warm up to people and see if I'm feeling them or not. I don't really care if they like sports, if they believe in a higher power or whatever. I just feel obligated to read profiles and to fill mine out. But to me it feels like, "Are you okay with my face?" And if so then let's grab coffee or something. Lol. I guess it all depends on what you're are comfortable with. For me personally, I'm just trying to put myself in more social situations to meet people. I initially know when I am interested in someone, and it is so much easier to gauge someone face to face. Reading an online profile does nothing for me, and all it all boils down too, "Are you okay with my face", like you said. When I attempted a casual hookup a couple weeks ago, I thought I'd be fine as far as no attachment because the guy and I had almost nothing in common. Very different cultures, no common interests. I also got the impression from his FaceBook that he wasn't all that bright and was a shallow-thinking tool. This all seemed well and perfect for an NSA experiment. But when we actually got together, he was very intelligent and interesting, and we had a lot of things in common that I never would have picked up on from his FaceBook. Our sense of humor clicked and I was just shocked at how much I enjoyed his company. That's the kind of **** that makes me suck at stuff like dating. I can't do it based off checklists and whatnot. Your example is why I disregard online dating. You basically read someone's profile, who can't articulate themselves, or are lying to attract a certain demographic, story tell in your head, and meet someone who turned out not to be what you were looking for. In your case you had a pleasant surprise lol. Do you have a hard time reading people face to face? I usually get a gut feeling that lets me know I should attempt to progress with someone I find interesting.
Author Danda Posted December 11, 2014 Author Posted December 11, 2014 Do you have a hard time reading people face to face? I usually get a gut feeling that lets me know I should attempt to progress with someone I find interesting. I think a little, but nothing too severe. I think I mostly just tend to come up with reasons as to why someone isn't really interested in talking with me and I must be taking it all the wrong way or something. Or I think they're interested and they're not. Okay so maybe I suck in general. I think the worst case ever was about two years ago, there was a gas station attendant that had moved here from Russia. I always thought he was very flirty with me but I wouldn't respond much because I know I can be really awkward and blurt crap out. Like his arms were heavily tatted and the first thought that popped into my head was, "So is that some KGB ****? Looks cool," and then later I was like thank god I didn't say that. I did think he was really attractive, though. So I tried to teach myself Russian online and tried to learn one flirty phrase. I thought that would be cool if I could surprise him with a flirt in his first language. I finally was confident I had something down right, and then the next time I was in there, there was a long line of all women for cigs/gas/etc and he 'flirted' with all of them, which meant he was never actually flirting with me. But the good news is that once in a while I can pretend I speak Russian and sound fairly legit.
endlessabyss Posted December 11, 2014 Posted December 11, 2014 I think a little, but nothing too severe. I think I mostly just tend to come up with reasons as to why someone isn't really interested in talking with me and I must be taking it all the wrong way or something. Or I think they're interested and they're not. Okay so maybe I suck in general. Overanalyzing sucks, doesn't it! I do this way too much, but am learning how to manage it better. Sometimes are brains can be our worst enemies. You probably don't suck, though, it's probably just too much thinking. I think the worst case ever was about two years ago, there was a gas station attendant that had moved here from Russia. I always thought he was very flirty with me but I wouldn't respond much because I know I can be really awkward and blurt crap out. Like his arms were heavily tatted and the first thought that popped into my head was, "So is that some KGB ****? Looks cool," and then later I was like thank god I didn't say that. KGB lol. I can relate to a lot of this. Sometimes I perceive of saying awkward things, and it usually would prevent me from speaking up. Now I just go with the flow, and say what I want. Sometimes it works, sometimes it doesn't. There's always damage control. I did think he was really attractive, though. So I tried to teach myself Russian online and tried to learn one flirty phrase. I thought that would be cool if I could surprise him with a flirt in his first language. I finally was confident I had something down right, and then the next time I was in there, there was a long line of all women for cigs/gas/etc and he 'flirted' with all of them, which meant he was never actually flirting with me. But the good news is that once in a while I can pretend I speak Russian and sound fairly legit. He was flirting with you, but it wasn't something special lol. Neat idea though; I would have still used it since I went through all the effort.
guest569 Posted December 11, 2014 Posted December 11, 2014 I have been including these types of things before, partly because my ex called me those things and I guess it stuck and I let his view of me define me? Not sure. I removed it now because its useless. I think its more important what people write about their interests and sum up their life whether it is history or current or future. I don't pay much attention to adjectives or empty generic phrases.
most_distant_galaxy Posted December 11, 2014 Posted December 11, 2014 I dont use such websites, but if I did, I would think that this is only the profile owner's opinion about his person. Especially with those traits, I would expect someone who is passive and has a victim mentality and tries to sugarcoat them. Id raher someone explain his lifestyle and interests in his profile and leave others make their own conclusions about the material he is made of.
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