Pendles Posted December 10, 2014 Posted December 10, 2014 Just looking for some advice and closure, any replies are appreciated. Sorry if it's a bit long. Story of my life at the moment. Last April I was introduced to a young girl currently living in France through Facebook. She's an only child. Let's call her A. Her cousin lives here in Australia, i know her and she's the one who introduced us. The issue from the start was that A's dad was against our relationship from the very start. He said "NO" when A first told him. But we kept talking behind his back in the hope of him coming around in the future. The mum knew about us and she was all for the relationship. This February, almost a year later of talking, me and my parents went up to France to meet her and her family to officially ask for her. Initially we went to their house just as friends of friends for a visit. The dad had no clue that we were going to ask for his daughter. We all got along well. Come the next day, overnight the father clicked as to why we went there. He then completely lost the plot. From what i heard he just started yelling at them and told them that if they bring the people from Australia over he's going to jump in a river. He then stopped talking to the mother and daughter for a couple weeks. Anyway we didn't end up going back there to ask for her as we didn't know he was a complete lunatic. We would have either gotten into a fight with him or he would have just shut the door in our face. His issue is that Australia is too far and he thinks he'll never see his daughter again. But apparently he cracks it at everyone that's asked his daughter for marriage. Very protective. I asked A what she wanted to do with us. She told me "i don't know but i don't want to break up with you". I told her the only way this will work is if you run away with me when you get your passport. She said yeah and her mum also agreed with it. They were also going to speak with the father's sister who he apparently respects a lot, to see if she could try and convince him. She lives in Albania. In July/August A's family went to Albania for a holiday. At this stage we got in contact with their father's sister. She was going to talk to him for us as was his nephew. A was also going to speak to him when they did. Anyway it didn't work out, he completely lost the **** at everyone again. This time he told her stuff like he'd kill her, he didn't wanna see her face, broke a dinner plate etc. In September i went up to France again myself to visit her. It was hard to see her because of school and also the dad doesn't let her out of the house that easy on weekends. But we had a good time and got a long well. Did all the coupley stuff. We contemplated going to her house and speaking to the dad, just the 2 of us. But we decided not to in case he straight out told her to piss off and never come home. We then would be screwed with nowhere to go as she doesn't have a passport until February. So we made plans that she was going to speak to him 1 on 1 after i had left. I told her that if he kept saying no i was going to come back in February when she gets the passport and she will come back with me. She said yes of course. About 5 days after i had left, we were speaking as usual. I did notice she was a bit weird. I asked her what her mindset was with us. She said "I don't know, i'm scared of my dad". She wouldn't tell me why, she said she wasn't in the mood and that she'd tell me tomorrow. She then left. I got angry and i told her if her hearts not in it 100% don't message me tomorrow and leave it at that. She didn't message. I spoke to her cousin here who then called up A's mum. Her mum answered the phone who was depressed and crying. She told us that A had told her dad about me and her and he went crazy. He had told her if she comes here to Australia, the father and mother are dead to her. I messaged A asking her to talk to me and tell me what happened. She told me don't worry everything will happen like before. We spoke a bit. I asked her again what she wanted to do, she said "really i don't know". I asked what happened with the father. She said he got mad, that's why she doesn't know what to do. She told me she was confused. She then said we'll talk later as she was busy. That's the last i heard from her for a week which was unusual. We usually spoke everyday. I sent a couple texts and tried calling a couple times, no answer. I then got a normal text 8 days later saying "Sorry i was having issues with my dad, he took the phone off me. How are you, how's your family? Hope everyone's good. Say hi to everyone, we'll talk tomorrow". I replied but I didn't get a response back. Next thing i know, she's blocked me on whatsapp, which is the app we always speak on. I sent her a message on viber, no reply. A couple days later her cousin from here messaged her through viber and they spoke a bit. They had organised to speak the following Saturday on phone about everything. That's the last her cousin has heard from her. She's completely ignoring her cousin too. I've ruled out her dad taking the phone as I called her phone a couple weeks after this and it just rang through. If he had taken it, battery would have been dead by that stage. Her cousin spoke to her own mum who also lives in France. A few weeks ago she told her that A was just confused and didn't know what to do. She spoke to her again a couple nights ago and she had no further info, A's mum isn't saying anything. I've sent her a couple normal texts. I laid out the foundation for her to break up. I said look if you choose your dad don't be shy to tell me, i won't get angry, i completely understand your situation. But if you're still confused tell me as we are all hanging here not knowing what's going on. It's not good. That's basically it. 6 weeks later, no closure, nothing. It's killing me and I feel like complete ****. I don't know whether she's chosen her dad and she's too shy too tell me and her cousin after all those promises. I don't know whether she hates me. I don't know whether the dad's threatened her. My minds all over shop. One minute i feel sorry for her, one minute i'm angry at her, one minute i'm heart broken. Worst way possible to end a relationship.
anika99 Posted December 10, 2014 Posted December 10, 2014 I'm sorry that you are hurt and it's a shame the girl just didn't come and tell you it's over but the fact that she has gone silent and not responded to any of your attempts to reach her is a pretty clear sign that she is done. Really I don't think this was likely to have a good outcome no matter what. Telling her to just run away doesn't sound like much of a solution to me. As far a I know one can not just go live indefinitely in another Country just because they have a passport. Where would she work? How would she attend school? I think her father has her best interest at heart. Take some time to grieve the end of the relationship and then in the future maybe try to meet some local girls
Author Pendles Posted December 11, 2014 Author Posted December 11, 2014 I'm sorry that you are hurt and it's a shame the girl just didn't come and tell you it's over but the fact that she has gone silent and not responded to any of your attempts to reach her is a pretty clear sign that she is done. Really I don't think this was likely to have a good outcome no matter what. Telling her to just run away doesn't sound like much of a solution to me. As far a I know one can not just go live indefinitely in another Country just because they have a passport. Where would she work? How would she attend school? I think her father has her best interest at heart. Take some time to grieve the end of the relationship and then in the future maybe try to meet some local girls Thanks for the response. Yeah i'm aware it's over. End of the day it was a scenario where she had to choose me or the dad and she chose him which is fair enough. Just the disappearance act got to me a lot. If she had have explained it to me, i would have been better off now. I don't think the father has her interest at heart. They are migrants in France. No one in the family works and they live off welfare. I am well off here with a secure job, as is my family. We tried explaining to the father that if she came we would also bring him and the wife here where there is a lot more opportunity. But he wouldn't listen. Oh well. I guess it's not that easy to just pick up and run away to the other side of the world and your dad is threatening never to speak to you again.
Chatmonkey Posted December 11, 2014 Posted December 11, 2014 Dude, I cannot tell you how much I hate that. When they leave you hanging inbetween with no answer... That is absolute torture. I feel for you. I had the same thing with my ex for MONTHS and she just kept saying "i dont know" and "im to stressed" and all that bs.. A simple yes or no is better than unknowing and anything in-between Better to be in heaven or hell than in purgatory 1
Chatmonkey Posted December 11, 2014 Posted December 11, 2014 I'm sorry that you are hurt and it's a shame the girl just didn't come and tell you it's over but the fact that she has gone silent and not responded to any of your attempts to reach her is a pretty clear sign that she is done. Really I don't think this was likely to have a good outcome no matter what. Telling her to just run away doesn't sound like much of a solution to me. As far a I know one can not just go live indefinitely in another Country just because they have a passport. Where would she work? How would she attend school? I think her father has her best interest at heart. Take some time to grieve the end of the relationship and then in the future maybe try to meet some local girls I agree with OP in that I highly doubt the father has her best interest at heart and if he does, he is going about it the complete wrong way. This man sounds like he needs to seriously work on his parenting, communication and conflict resolution skills.....
Satu Posted December 11, 2014 Posted December 11, 2014 No answer is the answer. You did everything you could to make it work, and you deserve no blame for the fact that it didn't. You can go to sleep with a clear conscience, and thats important.
Author Pendles Posted December 11, 2014 Author Posted December 11, 2014 Dude, I cannot tell you how much I hate that. When they leave you hanging inbetween with no answer... That is absolute torture. I feel for you. I had the same thing with my ex for MONTHS and she just kept saying "i dont know" and "im to stressed" and all that bs.. A simple yes or no is better than unknowing and anything in-between Better to be in heaven or hell than in purgatory Did you eventually get a straight answer from her? You're right though man, it's the most agonizing thing I've ever been through. I went through a break up a few years ago with a girlfriend of 4 years, i feel that that was a lot easier to get through because i got a straight no. If this one had the courage to tell her psycho father about me i don't see how she doesn't have the courage to tell me no. So frustrating. The silence and ignoring is an answer in itself i guess.
Author Pendles Posted December 11, 2014 Author Posted December 11, 2014 I agree with OP in that I highly doubt the father has her best interest at heart and if he does, he is going about it the complete wrong way. This man sounds like he needs to seriously work on his parenting, communication and conflict resolution skills..... You're right. He's emotionally blackmailing her by saying if she comes here he and her mum are dead to her. It's not right. 1
Chatmonkey Posted December 11, 2014 Posted December 11, 2014 Did you eventually get a straight answer from her? You're right though man, it's the most agonizing thing I've ever been through. I went through a break up a few years ago with a girlfriend of 4 years, i feel that that was a lot easier to get through because i got a straight no. If this one had the courage to tell her psycho father about me i don't see how she doesn't have the courage to tell me no. So frustrating. The silence and ignoring is an answer in itself i guess. Yeah i got an answer. She eventually said she wanted to be with me. GREAT i thought all smiles. Not too long later she ends it. What can ya do... Sometimes people just treat you like a yoyo and you have to choose whether you are going to accept being treated like that or not 1
Author Pendles Posted December 11, 2014 Author Posted December 11, 2014 (edited) No answer is the answer. You did everything you could to make it work, and you deserve no blame for the fact that it didn't. You can go to sleep with a clear conscience, and thats important. I see what you mean. One way i try to think of it which helps is that it's not like she broke up with me because of an argument or something that i said or did. End of the day i did all i could. She did all she could. She tried standing up to her dad but she couldn't rationalize with him and he cracked it. If he had have said yes, we'd be getting married. She was forced to make a decision, either me or him. She picked him which is fair enough. I probably wouldn't run away from my family either if i had to make that decision. It's just the ignoring bit which makes me feel like a piece of crap. Edited December 11, 2014 by Pendles
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