Ex asked to meet up for coffee, feels like I've been rejected all over again

[CurlyTraveller]

Hey guys,

 

For those who haven't read my previous threads: my ex girlfriend and I were together for 18 months. Earlier this year we both moved counties to take teaching jobs in Asia, but things didn't quite go as planned. We were both stressed, fighting a lot, and things had become pretty toxic.. After two months of this my ex decided she couldn't take it anymore and broke up with me. A week later she started seeing another guy who actually happened to be a close mutual friend of ours. The final result of all this was that I ended up leaving the country heartbroken, and she stayed with him.

 

Fast forward to now. Its been 2 months of almost complete No Contact and I've just arrived back in Asia, in the same city I used to live with my ex. Now before anyone jumps to conclusions; no, I didn't come back for her. I was offered a a very attractive job at another school and figured it would be nice to go back to a place where I already had friends and connections. In the intervening 2 months I'd made a ton of progress. I'd seen the relationship for what it really was (without the rose coloured glasses), I'd taken stock of my mistakes and hers, and I felt I had truly forgiven her for all the heartache she had caused me. I'd even imagined sitting down for a drink with her and her new b/f and being totally cool with it.

 

Well, it turns out I'm not totally cool with it. About a week ago she messaged me asking if I wanted to catch up for coffee. I readily agreed, not out of any genuine hope for reconciliation, but more just out of curiosity and a sense of validation that she still wants me in her life in some way. So we caught up, had coffee, and it was good. We chatted about all the happenings of the last few months months, joked with each other and basically just had a good time. That is right up until the end, when I suggested that we should "do this again sometime".

 

Her demeanour suddenly became strained and awkward. She said that, given the circumstances, she doesn't think that would be a good idea, citing the fact that she is still with her boyfriend and couldn't realistically see us "hanging out" like old times. She just wanted to get any potential awkwardness out of the way for when we inevitably ran into each other. There was obviously more to it than that, but I tried pressing a bit and she wasn't telling.

 

I made a show of being cool and nonchalant, but I really wasn't. I couldn't believe that this person had made a point of reaching out to me, only to turn around and basically say she's glad I'm ok, but that she still doesn't want anything to to with me.

 

The worse part was right at the end when I walked her to her car. I asked her what her motivation was for meeting with me that night. She could see I was upset. She looked at me with the same deer-in-the-headlights expression she had back when she first told me she was seeing someone else and didn't love me anymore. She repeated the same answer I'd written above, and that was the end of it.

 

Now it's 6:00am and I feel like hell. I've slept maybe 4 hours since this all went down. I'm hurt and confused and stinging with rejection. It's almost like being dumped all over again, except now she's rejecting me as both a friend AND a lover.

 

It just doesn't make sense. Why bother reaching out to me at all if she doesn't want me in her life? I was in a really good place before all this ****. Now I feel like i've been knocked back almost to square one (ok, maybe not that far).

 

To be honest I'm not sure what the point of this post is other than to vent. i guess I'm just looking for some guidance and support.

[Jimmyjackson]

From my own personal experience I think a lot of the time women don't like to be disliked, it sounds as if her meeting with you was to put her mind at ease and get rid of any guilt she was carrying. Seeing you all happy and cool with the situation probably makes her feel better, I agree it was stupid of her to meet up with you for a one off occasion; doesn't seem to be much of a point to it.

 

How did she know you were back in Asia?

[dumbass2]

Based on your previous threads, you were the one that told her it would be great to get together, so she did not put that out there. She was probably curious so she replied back that she would. You should have had no expectations what so ever. You really shouldn't have done it at all because you were/are still not in a good place to do it. I just did it recently with my ex that broke up with me after she contacted me and it was because I'm in a good place now and I went in with no expectations and it went well without asking any questions of her and then after the nice lunch it was just left up to her if she wanted to initiate anything any further. If you do have a meet up at all, then that is the way it should go with the person that broke up with you. You have to be indifferent and not caring one way or the other.

[Danda]

 

I readily agreed, not out of any genuine hope for reconciliation, but more just out of curiosity and a sense of validation that she still wants me in her life in some way.

 

I couldn't believe that this person had made a point of reaching out to me, only to turn around and basically say she's glad I'm ok, but that she still doesn't want anything to to with me.

 

Why bother reaching out to me at all if she doesn't want me in her life?

 

 

I think you got ahead of yourself and assumed that meeting her for coffee meant she wanted you back in her life on a regular basis.

 

The reason she gave for be willing to meet you (another poster says this was your idea originally?) makes sense. The two of you could have / should been on okay terms from there on out if you bumped into each other in public, no weirdness of wondering what the other one was thinking or anything like that.

 

But you had expectations, dare I say entitled feelings, going into the coffee meet that you shouldn't have had.

 

Personally I don't think 2 months of NC is all that long. It's about enough for the average person in the average situation to just start getting it back together emotionally and thinking more clearly, but that's about it.

 

I think you made a mistake in thinking you were ready for this (which you already acknowledged early on in your post), and maybe you didn't even realize that you were going into this expecting her to want you back in her life, with no apparent reason for believing that.

 

But I think you can recover from this, for sure. You said you were wanting "validation" that she wanted you back in her life. Why did you want that? Why did you feel you needed her to want you back in her life, or else you weren't going to be okay? In your mind, are you basing your worth specifically on your worth to her? (Which would obviously not be a good thing.)

 

My advice is to do as much introspection as you can, and take away as much self-understanding as possible from this experience.

[CurlyTraveller]

Based on your previous threads, you were the one that told her it would be great to get together, so she did not put that out there. .

 

You are right. I'm the one who first re-established contact, and I did say it would be good to catch up at some point, but I didn't actually ask her out. It wasn't until after 2 weeks of near silence that she messaged me with "Want to get together for coffee?". So she did actually take a major, positive step towards meeting.

 

Anyway, turns out I received a huge-ass text from her at about 6:50 yesterday morning. Not long after I made this thread actually. In it, she apologised for her actions on the previous evening, saying basically that she was being way too harsh with me, and that I shouldn't have to hesitate to ask her out again.

 

I replied saying that yes, it was a bit harsh but that I understood how she felt. I said that I think its best if we just let things develop naturally rather than trying to force a friendship, and that it was good seeing her regardless.

 

What do you guys think?

 

I've left the lines of communication open, but I don't think I will be using them for a while. I see now that I'm still WAY too affected by her responses towards me.

[Chin Up]

I said that I think its best if we just let things develop naturally rather than trying to force a friendship, and that it was good seeing her regardless.

 

That's good! You're making it clear that you'd like to have her in your life, but you're maintaining your self respect and putting boundaries in place. You're putting you first .

 

I've left the lines of communication open, but I don't think I will be using them for a while. I see now that I'm still WAY too affected by her responses towards me.

 

No shame in that. Nothing wrong with letting her know it, either. She seems pretty understanding and it's obvious she doesn't want to hurt you. I think she will understand if you need more time. You're doing good!

[BC1980]

She sounds confused herself. I don't think she wants to get back together, but she's still trying to figure out IF and HOW you might fit into her life. She might be feeling guilty, curious, or missing you. Any of the above. It's weird for both parties after a breakup. I think it's just better that there is no more contact on both ends quite honestly.

[CurlyTraveller]

She probably does miss me to an extent, maybe even wonders deep down if the breakup was the right thing to do, but I'm pretty sure its mostly guilt.

 

She concluded the message saying that it would be good to catch up "every now and then" and that she hopes there are "no hard feelings between us". Basically, she feels like a horrible person for the way things ended, and believes that everyone else sees her as a horrible person too.

 

In fact, her feelings of guilt were a major catalyst for the breakup in the first place. I gave up a really good job to move countries for her. When we finally got there, she could see I was struggling and not having a good time, which she of course felt partially responsible for. I strongly suspect this contributed to feelings of resentment towards me for "making" her feel guilty. When we broke up she even said that she felt like she "dragged me here".

 

So basically, its unlikely that there can be any kind of relationship between us until she deals with her feelings of guilt. Otherwise she's just going to keep associating me with those negative feelings.

 

To make matters worse, I've found myself fantasising about the possibility of reconciliation for the first time since the breakup, which is a VERY dangerous place to be.

 

Total NC isn't really feasible in the community in which I live, but I don't think I'll be reaching out to her again any time soon. Too much potential for heartache.

[Chatmonkey]

When people blame you for their emotions that they feel i.e. 'making' them feel a certain way such as guilt. That annoys the sh*t out of me.

 

They are trying to blame us for them being not personally developed enough to take responsibility for their own self-inflicted pain which is caused by STORIES they tell themselves to fill in gaps of information which are not FACT at all. Eg: She convinced herself she dragged you there.

 

If someone said to me I make them feel a certain way, just by me living my life and doing what I do, i'd tell them to grow the f*ck up and read a self help book.

 

Rant over.

[lolablue17]

Maybe she wants to be friends with you, but her new guy is very insecure with your presence, and maybe she even didn't tell him that she met you.

[bathtub-row]

I know that two months can seem like a long time but it's really not much time at all. It is very hard to get over people we loved. I don't know if she's all that happy in her current relationship but I'll warn you that it's very hard to pick up the pieces and start over again, no matter how much you might fantasize about it. The reality of it is that the magic and innocence of your relationship has been lost and that is something almost unrecoverable. So, whatever you might dream about happening is really just that - a dream. Most likely, the relationship wasn't that great to begin with since you said there was a lot of arguing.

 

The thing is, we can love many people throughout our lives, but it doesn't mean that they're compatible with us. Love, in and of itself, is not the only ingredient for a relationship to thrive or to feel right.

[CurlyTraveller]

Hey all,

 

I'd just like to thank everyone for their support thus far. Inspired by the feedback I've received from this site I went and produced the following list of reasons why attempting any kind of relationship or reconciliation with my ex is a bad idea. Hopefully I can use it as reinforcement for the next stage of No Intentional Contact.

 

The List

 

1. You're not over it. Maybe you thought you were when you first reached out the hand of friendship, but now it is quite clear that you are not. You are still far too emotionally affected by her responses (or lack thereof) towards you. This has the potential to not only cause you unnecessary worry and heartache, but also clouds your judgement and leads you to make poor decisions.

 

2. She hasn't shown signs of genuine remorse. Yes, she broke your heart and stomped on it, and its obvious she is carrying tremendous guilt. But how much of that comes from real affection for you, and how much of that simply comes from feeling like a bad person is still very much unclear.

 

3. You do not want to create the impression that you condone her behaviour. It is commendable that you have the ability to forgive, even while the pain is so fresh. And yes, by hanging onto resentment you are only hurting yourself. However, have you considered how your actions may look to her? Acting like it was no big deal cheapens all the pain you went through and releases her from being accountable for her actions.

 

4. You've learned your lessons and are committed to change; she's still on the rebound. After the breakup, you did a ton of soul searching, recognised your faults in the relationship and how you contributed to the breakup, and committed to being a better partner in the future. She ran straight into the arms of another man. Its very unlikely that she has given herself the space to grieve and acknowledge her own faults in that time.

 

5. Its too soon. Two months of no contact might seem like a long time, but its really not that long at all. Even if you've both learned your lessons from the breakup, it will be hard not to slip back into the same toxic communication patterns that lead to the breakup in the first place.

 

6. The girl you loved no longer exists. When you met her she was a kind hearted, naive young woman who had never been in a serious relationship. Now she is the girl who dumped you and slept with someone else after you moved countries to be with her. Do you think you can really move past that? And even if you can, maybe she can't. The innocence of your relationship has been lost, and that's something you can never get back.

 

7. It probably wasn't going to work in the long term anyway. Yes, you two seem very compatible on paper. You have very similar values and enjoy the same things. You even have many of the same long term goals, except for one: she wants to have kids soon (within the next 5 years) and you most certainly don't. Also the fact that you are from different countries means that you'll probably need to get married at some stage just to keep the relationship going. You are not ready for that.

 

8. You've never dated anyone else. Yes, there were girls before her, but this was your first serious relationship. You have nothing else to compare it too. Hoping that she might one day come around prevents you from truly moving forward and being happy either alone or with someone else. You have come out of that relationship more attractive and confident than you've ever been in your life. You have more girls around you than you know what to do with. You need to get out and explore, instead of holding out a candle for someone who plainly isn't doing the same for you.

 

I posted the same list under a thread called "Don't Even Go There" in the Coping section in the hope that it might help others.

 

Heres to moving forward.