angiefly Posted December 10, 2014 Posted December 10, 2014 I'm in my early 30's and so is my boyfriend of 1.5 years. When we first met he was in a lot of pain due to hip problems (had both recently replaced) so I understood why we only had sex twice a week (if that) But now that he's not in pain he still doesn't want sex that often! When I try he usually has an excuse. I'm certain he isn't cheating but what could explain the lack of sex? I've also tried talking to him about it but he isn't open to discussing it. I'm getting antsy and thinking about ending it because I'm starting to feel like he doesn't even want to be with me. Any advice???
Winterina Posted December 10, 2014 Posted December 10, 2014 Angie, have you sat down to talk to him seriously about this and what was his reaction? If he acknowledged the problem and is doing something to address it, that is a good sign. If he denies it you are in big trouble. But listing all the possible causes and crossing one by one, as a principle of elimination... the one thing you are left with is usually the right thing. - I was with someone who had no hip as an excuse... after two years it turned out he was a gay in the closet. He was crying and telling me that he will not come out as long as his mother is alive. My life was shattered then because I loved him and then realised our entire relationship was based on a lie. So he might be a gay even though he had a history of relationships with women. My ex never told me his first sex was with man and that he had several guys too in his life. - He also might be asexual. - He might not be attracted to you or into you - He might be not happy with himself and have an issue of self esteem after the surgery - Is there anything about your relationship that might be putting a strain on your sex life?
Danda Posted December 10, 2014 Posted December 10, 2014 If he refuses to discuss it then you probably should move on. It's one thing if it's (insert almost any reason here), and he just needs you to be patient/understanding while working through it together. But if he just flat out refuses to discuss it, then he expects you to just go without and be left in the dark. And then what you'll probably end up doing is analyzing everything to death and trying to figure it out, only to wind up flustered and nuts. This is the same advice I give to the more common reverse scenario of like a husband with a wife who shows no interest in sex. Tell them how much it means to you and that you need them to communicate on it, so the two of you can work on it together. But if they refuse to even discuss it then they are basically holding you hostage, like you're not allowed to have an actual romance/sex life in order to be their roommate. My second boyfriend was like this and it about drove me insane after 3 years. He was at least interested in oral but never in actual sex, would never talk about why, and if I tried to push the topic, we'd have a big retarded fight. Never again lol. So don't let this drag out forever. He needs to talk with you about what's going on. 1
Author angiefly Posted December 10, 2014 Author Posted December 10, 2014 If he refuses to discuss it then you probably should move on. It's one thing if it's (insert almost any reason here), and he just needs you to be patient/understanding while working through it together. But if he just flat out refuses to discuss it, then he expects you to just go without and be left in the dark. And then what you'll probably end up doing is analyzing everything to death and trying to figure it out, only to wind up flustered and nuts. This is the same advice I give to the more common reverse scenario of like a husband with a wife who shows no interest in sex. Tell them how much it means to you and that you need them to communicate on it, so the two of you can work on it together. But if they refuse to even discuss it then they are basically holding you hostage, like you're not allowed to have an actual romance/sex life in order to be their roommate. My second boyfriend was like this and it about drove me insane after 3 years. He was at least interested in oral but never in actual sex, would never talk about why, and if I tried to push the topic, we'd have a big retarded fight. Never again lol. So don't let this drag out forever. He needs to talk with you about what's going on. I've tried talking to him, he knows how I feel and you're right... he does expect me to just "deal with it" I've asked if there was anything I could do and his only response was that "at least we have sex" and "you want it too much!" Honestly we have bigger problems other than sex but the lack of intimacy is bothering me. I need to be more worried about the fact that I'm trying to figure out if I'm in an abusive (emotionally) relationship and I'm pretty certain I am. Thanks for both replies!!!
Author angiefly Posted December 10, 2014 Author Posted December 10, 2014 Angie, have you sat down to talk to him seriously about this and what was his reaction? If he acknowledged the problem and is doing something to address it, that is a good sign. If he denies it you are in big trouble. But listing all the possible causes and crossing one by one, as a principle of elimination... the one thing you are left with is usually the right thing. - I was with someone who had no hip as an excuse... after two years it turned out he was a gay in the closet. He was crying and telling me that he will not come out as long as his mother is alive. My life was shattered then because I loved him and then realised our entire relationship was based on a lie. So he might be a gay even though he had a history of relationships with women. My ex never told me his first sex was with man and that he had several guys too in his life. - He also might be asexual. - He might not be attracted to you or into you - He might be not happy with himself and have an issue of self esteem after the surgery - Is there anything about your relationship that might be putting a strain on your sex life? There isn't anything that would put a strain as far as he goes but I'm so twisted that honestly I think I want sex with him because he is withholding. I think he does it intentionally too but I may be over thinking that. I asked him today if he was pushing away from me because I feel like he is and he said he wasn't so I don't know. I feel like I'm losing my mind in this relationship and I'm acting in ways I normally wouldn't because he shuts me out emotionally and only gives me enough love to keep me where he wants me (that's how I feel at least)
Ninjainpajamas Posted December 11, 2014 Posted December 11, 2014 Obviously bigger problems and the guy isn't that into you...he has no motivation to do much I'm willing to bet....but I guess you're just a fool and need some kind of big reason to leave. Like if you don't have plenty already...you must enjoy all of this.
Author angiefly Posted December 11, 2014 Author Posted December 11, 2014 Obviously bigger problems and the guy isn't that into you...he has no motivation to do much I'm willing to bet....but I guess you're just a fool and need some kind of big reason to leave. Like if you don't have plenty already...you must enjoy all of this. Not really that I enjoy it, I just have some deeper rooted problems from my past that has left me empty and in search of unconditional love. I actually just got home from dropping all his **** off at his house and I'm initiating NC. I texted him to tell him his stuff was on the front porch and if he wanted to treat me better then he could contact me. I'm not counting on it though. I'm just sick of him treating me like crap and being a door mat (my own doing) 1
Ninjainpajamas Posted December 11, 2014 Posted December 11, 2014 Not really that I enjoy it, I just have some deeper rooted problems from my past that has left me empty and in search of unconditional love. I actually just got home from dropping all his **** off at his house and I'm initiating NC. I texted him to tell him his stuff was on the front porch and if he wanted to treat me better then he could contact me. I'm not counting on it though. I'm just sick of him treating me like crap and being a door mat (my own doing) Well stop living in the past, that's not you anymore...the day you decide to change is when things will, and it'll be hard, it will be a struggle and require a lot of strength but you're never going to receive love if this is how you live your life and waste your time in these relationships...you are not making yourself worthy of being loved and respected, you are doing the opposite...you will only feel like nothing in the end...worse than you feel now. And that's the comfort believe it or not...there's a certain familiarity in not being loved, you get to relive those experiences and chase that never ending carrot on a stick. You have to stop making excuses and compromising with yourself and trying to find a half way...or you'll always love someone who won't love you or that you're with only because you know that he loves you...but you won't be able to accept that love you supposedly so desperately desire... even if you had it. You need to stop yourself and leave this guy, not because I or anyone else says so but for you...you need to decide for yourself and stop making BS excuses and trying to find a way around the hard parts if you want change. So many women like you waste years and years of their lives before they muster up the courage to pull themselves away in the end...sacrificing the potential of what you could have had in life...years you cannot get back...not because of love, but because of fear and dysfunction. Do it for you...save you. Protect that vulnerable person inside of you from yourself. 2
sillyanswer Posted December 11, 2014 Posted December 11, 2014 I'm certain he isn't cheating but what could explain the lack of sex? My usual response to this sort of thing is to suggest talking to him rather than asking us... but... I've also tried talking to him about it but he isn't open to discussing it. ... I see that you've tried that. His unwillingness to talk about it is, to me, a bigger problem. It's also an unsolvable problem because any problems in a relationship need solving through communication and if he won't discuss it then you can't resolve it. You could try and have a talk about that... but perhaps this isn't the long-term partner for you. 1
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