Confusedgirl99 Posted December 10, 2014 Posted December 10, 2014 Met a guy who lives in another state and had this weird history and for the first 1 year he seemed he wasn't taking it seriously so I cut it off even though he said he was interested. Anyways, 6 months ago we got to talking again and he seemed more interested and explained his apathy before etc. Things seemed to be going well. maybe because it was a product of us being long distance or me being slightly needy, sometimes I felt i didn't feel entirely loved, as he never really called etc, but he always told me he was interested and feelings were developing etc. We met a few times and finally in October he wanted me to meet his family. A month or so prior to meeting his family, we had a few spats, I guess Bc I felt he was being dishonest about some stuff to which he denied etc. And some of the ways he expressed his views on a few things seemed disrespectful. Normally he used to talk through things with me sorta but after those last few fights, I got the silent treatment and he felt distant. Anyway I met his family in October since trip was planned. He seemed very distant and afterwards told me "something was missing but he didn't want to lose me and said he thoroughly didn't know what to do". I pushed it a bit(I know, mistake but I have trouble with letting stuff go). And then finally I just said take whatever time you need and we left it at that. Flash forward a month and he was in my city for a wedding(that he initially had invited me to but since we stopped talking I guess that was off). Either way It bothered me knowing he was there and it felt unfinished so I texted him and said hey. He was surprised and asked if I wanted to meet him up prior to the wedding, I could meet his friends etc. I said sure, met him for about an hour, things seemed great and when he walked me to my car I just couldn't get off my high. So I texted him and he told me to come by later so we could hang out at the wedding. When I got there, he said he was pretty drunk and he was super flirty with me etc. Said that he really liked me etc that he was into me etc. I felt like he was interested and maybe we finally had a shot. We kissed finally. And he said at the time that changed everything but I was skeptical Bc he was drunk. He took me up to his room and the whole night he was all over me, even though I kept pushing him off. I told him to extend his flight to the next day so he did. And I met him up sober the next day, although in his room. He kept pushing for more and more and finally we ended up sleeping together. I felt super guilty and worried and started to cry because I was worried it would go back to him rarely contacting me and not being in a relationship. He was kind about it. But just kept saying his feelings for me wax and wane and that he wants to be obsessively in love and that it might develop for him, but he's not sure. That I guess we could see how it goes etc. Either way, I've only been with one guy before him and he knew sex was a big deal to me. I felt horrible. I slept with him well because I liked him and I thought he meant what he said at the time. I don't know. In retrospect I guess I was stupid and it was a huge mistake. Ugh. The next few days, he was pretty distant and started feeling more and more guilty of sex and said he wished he hadn't and that his feelings aren't there etc. He wasn't sure if they could develop. He was very upset and kept saying he promised himself that the next person he was intimate with would be his wife. We would text but he was so distant. And he said he was "emotional and so mad that he did this etc". To me sex has always been a relationship so maybe I handled it badly. I'm not familiar with all the dating rules. I pushed for clarity over and over because I wasn't sure what was going on. And he just kept saying "I honestly don't know how I feel, I don't know what I feel long term, we can keep talking but i don't think its good I feel this way." And I didn't know what that meant and I discussed it more and wanted clarity and then he finally said "what if we were just friends for good?" And then when I pushed more he said I think we should stop talking. And he said for now that's what he wants. Bc he kept saying he was afraid of giving me hope Bc it hinders me from moving forward. And that he's not sure how he feels, too many emotions going through his mind. And I was frustrated and so it ended with me saying "I'm okay not knowing what we are Blah blah" and he just said " I'm not trying to treat you badly, I just don't know what to do. I think I just need space for now." And I said okay take what you need and message me if you want. That was nearly a week ago. I'm sorry this is so long, but im going nuts and it hurts. If anyone could give me some advice as to what this means I would appreciate me. Please don't just berate me for any stupidity. I realize I've made stupid decisions and mistakes. Thank you.
Redhead14 Posted December 10, 2014 Posted December 10, 2014 Met a guy who lives in another state and had this weird history and for the first 1 year he seemed he wasn't taking it seriously so I cut it off even though he said he was interested. Anyways, 6 months ago we got to talking again and he seemed more interested and explained his apathy before etc. Things seemed to be going well. maybe because it was a product of us being long distance or me being slightly needy, sometimes I felt i didn't feel entirely loved, as he never really called etc, but he always told me he was interested and feelings were developing etc. We met a few times and finally in October he wanted me to meet his family. A month or so prior to meeting his family, we had a few spats, I guess Bc I felt he was being dishonest about some stuff to which he denied etc. And some of the ways he expressed his views on a few things seemed disrespectful. Normally he used to talk through things with me sorta but after those last few fights, I got the silent treatment and he felt distant. Anyway I met his family in October since trip was planned. He seemed very distant and afterwards told me "something was missing but he didn't want to lose me and said he thoroughly didn't know what to do". I pushed it a bit(I know, mistake but I have trouble with letting stuff go). And then finally I just said take whatever time you need and we left it at that. Flash forward a month and he was in my city for a wedding(that he initially had invited me to but since we stopped talking I guess that was off). Either way It bothered me knowing he was there and it felt unfinished so I texted him and said hey. He was surprised and asked if I wanted to meet him up prior to the wedding, I could meet his friends etc. I said sure, met him for about an hour, things seemed great and when he walked me to my car I just couldn't get off my high. So I texted him and he told me to come by later so we could hang out at the wedding. When I got there, he said he was pretty drunk and he was super flirty with me etc. Said that he really liked me etc that he was into me etc. I felt like he was interested and maybe we finally had a shot. We kissed finally. And he said at the time that changed everything but I was skeptical Bc he was drunk. He took me up to his room and the whole night he was all over me, even though I kept pushing him off. I told him to extend his flight to the next day so he did. And I met him up sober the next day, although in his room. He kept pushing for more and more and finally we ended up sleeping together. I felt super guilty and worried and started to cry because I was worried it would go back to him rarely contacting me and not being in a relationship. He was kind about it. But just kept saying his feelings for me wax and wane and that he wants to be obsessively in love and that it might develop for him, but he's not sure. That I guess we could see how it goes etc. Either way, I've only been with one guy before him and he knew sex was a big deal to me. I felt horrible. I slept with him well because I liked him and I thought he meant what he said at the time. I don't know. In retrospect I guess I was stupid and it was a huge mistake. Ugh. The next few days, he was pretty distant and started feeling more and more guilty of sex and said he wished he hadn't and that his feelings aren't there etc. He wasn't sure if they could develop. He was very upset and kept saying he promised himself that the next person he was intimate with would be his wife. We would text but he was so distant. And he said he was "emotional and so mad that he did this etc". To me sex has always been a relationship so maybe I handled it badly. I'm not familiar with all the dating rules. I pushed for clarity over and over because I wasn't sure what was going on. And he just kept saying "I honestly don't know how I feel, I don't know what I feel long term, we can keep talking but i don't think its good I feel this way." And I didn't know what that meant and I discussed it more and wanted clarity and then he finally said "what if we were just friends for good?" And then when I pushed more he said I think we should stop talking. And he said for now that's what he wants. Bc he kept saying he was afraid of giving me hope Bc it hinders me from moving forward. And that he's not sure how he feels, too many emotions going through his mind. And I was frustrated and so it ended with me saying "I'm okay not knowing what we are Blah blah" and he just said " I'm not trying to treat you badly, I just don't know what to do. I think I just need space for now." And I said okay take what you need and message me if you want. That was nearly a week ago. I'm sorry this is so long, but im going nuts and it hurts. If anyone could give me some advice as to what this means I would appreciate me. Please don't just berate me for any stupidity. I realize I've made stupid decisions and mistakes. Thank you. You must stop talking about all this with him. You should date other people and stop focusing on this one. He has retreated to his "cave" to digest the situation. Don't contact him again. Let him come to you . . . if he is going to come to you. Doing or saying anything more will push him further away and if he's thinking at all about coming to you, you will turn him away for sure if you push him. He's on the fence, let him fall to the side he really wants. Sometimes men will keep seeing a woman because she's made it so clear to him that she wants him and will be hurt and they don't want to do that so they just keep things going until she finally realizes he's not able to be what she wants him to be. In other words, he'll go out with you, have sex with you, but won't do all the "little" things to show her he cares for her. It will seem cold and empty to you and you will finally just leave him yourself. He knows that too.
Danda Posted December 10, 2014 Posted December 10, 2014 Even though it wasn't an official relationship and thus not an official breakup, I think going the NC thing would be best in this sort of situation. You have feelings for him that he doesn't have for you. He got drunk, said some crap he didn't mean and pushily seduced you into sleeping with him. Yeah you made a mistake but everyone does sometimes and it makes sense why you'd feel so ****ty at this point. The thing I notice is that he operates like a small time lottery. Long periods of nothing with the occasional short-lived burst of hope and feelings (or whatever). The fact that he uses the silent treatment when he's pissy is a huge red flag in my opinion. Maybe he really does feel bad about what happened, but he can't have his cake and eat it, too. "I don't want to give you false hope, but I know you have feelings for me, I just had drunk sex with you and can we stay friends?" Uh sorry but I'd say no, if I were in your shoes. I think your best bet is to go NC and go through the process of getting better emotionally and moving on. 1
beach Posted December 10, 2014 Posted December 10, 2014 Ask yourself why you would have sex with any man that really made no effort for you. You expect him to be interested now? Not likely. He already made it clear he wasn't making effort. And then you go and have sex with him just because he talks to you for an hour or so... And now you expect him to be totally into you just because he got his dip stick wet? He used you because you offered to be used. Most men won't ever say no when offered sex. Stop expecting anything from him - it was just sex and nothing more. 1
angel.eyes Posted December 10, 2014 Posted December 10, 2014 Unfortunately, he doesn't feel for you the way you feel for him. Your "neediness"before this was you reacting to the fact that you were doing all the work to keep communication going and he wasn't reciprocating. When actions and words are at odds with each other, pay attention. Please don't allow yourself to be strung along any more. Accept that he can't give you the relationship you want, and cut all communication with him. That's the only way you'll begin to move forward. 1
Author Confusedgirl99 Posted December 11, 2014 Author Posted December 11, 2014 I wish I hadn't posted here, I feel worse. I guess I understand what you all are saying. =\ I slept with him well because I truly thought at the time that he meant what he said and that him being intimate with me was just a way of showing his affection, like what people do in relationships. I have been in one relationship before where we hooked up and that meant that we were in a relationship. That we hooked up because we wanted to be in a relationship. I don't know, I guess I was being stupid. I asked him 100 times before we hooked up if he will regret this and that I didn't want to be a regret, he insisted no. He can get sex anywhere, why with me when he knows I'm a fairly religious conservative girl. That's what I didn't understand. Why even offer to meet me when sex wasn't even an option? He keeps saying he didn't want to walk away from me prior to sex but now sex corrupted his mind and he doesn't know. Perhaps I am in denial and perhaps I'm being stupid and maybe it's because I don't want the sex to be meaningless, but were his feelings never there? Did he never like me? If he just wanted sex, trust me, there were many easier options than me. Ugh. I guess no contact is the best way to go. In so many ways I'm not ready to let it go and I just wonder if there is ever a chance he will contact me again. Especially considering I told him, when we last spoke, that I was starting to see someone else and that my feelings for him kinda faded after the wedding weekend.
beach Posted December 11, 2014 Posted December 11, 2014 Just let it go... And know that interested me will move mountains to be with you when they are truly interested. This guy used you because you offered - don't offer. And don't feel bad... Just learn from it. Don't contact him again - he's not a keeper.
angel.eyes Posted December 11, 2014 Posted December 11, 2014 (edited) He can get sex anywhere, why with me when he knows I'm a fairly religious conservative girl. That's what I didn't understand. Why even offer to meet me when sex wasn't even an option? He keeps saying he didn't want to walk away from me prior to sex but now sex corrupted his mind and he doesn't know. ... Did he never like me? If he just wanted sex, trust me, there were many easier options than me. The challenge was part of the fun...You're claiming to him you aren't "that kind of girl" but are. Sex was indeed an option because he got it from a very willing you. Will he contact you again? If he does, expect a similar outcome. Look, his words never matched his actions. You were the one constantly communicating with him. He didn't have to do anything and you kept pursuing him. So expecting that a last-minute invite to hop into his bed will suddenly lead to a relationship is at best unrealistic. Please learn to use common sense instead of hoping for a pipe dream because you like a guy. Edited December 11, 2014 by angel.eyes
Author Confusedgirl99 Posted December 11, 2014 Author Posted December 11, 2014 (edited) Ugh. I was so stupid. So stupid. I didn't always chase. He chased and was interested for a while but I guess he lost it. And that's when I was the one who was messaging him and pursuing him. I didn't even understand what happened afterwards. When we spoke, he said we could try and see if he could build an emotional connection with me. I guess that was the least he could do after knowing he skept with me without a future. Guess it makes him feel like less of a jerk. But he proceedingly got more and more upset. And I didn't get it until now maybe. And so I apologized to him and tried to make him feel better and didn't understand and pushed for clarity. I told him it was okay. I told him to take time etc. I made his jerk behavior all okay. I looked so weak and desperate and pathetic. I really didn't need know. I genuinely thought he liked me. He told me all those things. Granted he was drunk but I didn't think drunk people lie. Ugh I'm an idiot. Sex is so sacred to me. And I gave it up like a hooker. And more than that I made him believe it was okay and that I'm okay with it and what happened was okay with me. He knew I liked him. And he kept pushing himself on me until I gave in and he said all the right things. I let it happen. I was so stupid. Edited December 11, 2014 by Confusedgirl99
Toodaloo Posted December 11, 2014 Posted December 11, 2014 Oh Dear Lord. Simplify it down. He is a prat and you shouldn't bother with him any more. You made a mistake - everyone makes mistakes. Its only one mistake! Stop being such a drama queen. You have learnt your lesson and just in case it hasn't sunk in the lesson is; If you feel uncomfortable - walk away. Some guys are great at nagging and charming a girl into bed. You didn't listen to your gut feelings. Time to woman up and decide not to take that crap again.
angel.eyes Posted December 11, 2014 Posted December 11, 2014 Making you feel guilty was the easiest way to extricate himself from a situation where he had no intention of reciprocating your feelings. If he ignored you or told you the truth afterwards, it would have been a drama-fest. He picked the path of least resistance. Stop beating yourself up. It was a learning experience. You made a mistake. It happens. Learn from it so that you don't have a repeat.
Recommended Posts