This one's a doozy.

[aaforever]

Hi guys,

 

I desperately need some advice/closure from this. This has been a complete nightmare and am struggling with moving on (because I don't want to.) It's a long story but I feel it's necessary to truly give you guys an understanding of the uniqueness of the situation.

 

A little backstory… I met my girlfriend of 8 years when she was 19. I’m 5 years older. When I met her she was drunk and high on cocaine. I was drunk, things happened and we slept with each other the first night at her friends house. On my way home (with a designated driver) that same night, she calls me from the police station. She apparently tried to drive home and got pulled over. Couldn’t believe it. Her friend (sheriff’s daughter) got her out eventually with no charge. The next day, instead of cutting off all contact with this person (like I probably should have), I felt bad and called her. I developed a deep concern for her, had a sober meeting with her the following week and she came across as a sweet, shy and genuine person. I was attracted. She opened up to me and told me she didn’t have a father, her mother works two full time jobs and she constantly moved from school to school her whole life. She had a drinking problem and flatlined from alcohol poisoning at one point as well. Her two closest friends of emotional support were strippers. We were both from lower middle class families and grew up in rough towns and I felt a strong understanding of where her confusion and feelings of being lost and wanting to fit in were coming from.

 

 

 

I wanted to help her get out of the path she was going down. I knew it would be tough but I was determined because I seen her as an unpolished gem. Then one night, she picked me up in her car. No lights on, gets pulled over. She jumps out of the drivers seat and flies into the back seat, telling me to get into the drivers seat. Wow. Cop drags her out arrests her. She had been drinking apparently. On top of it she had 2 prior DUI’s. She gives the cop someone elses ID (which she apparently carried, because HER license was actually suspended from her DUI’s) and they charged her as that particular person. She went to court AS IF she was that person. The court never knew. No charge due to a clean record. Why I didn’t run for the hills after this. I have no f**** clue. Young, dumb and in love I guess.

 

 

 

One night at a bar, she went missing for 30 minutes after going to the bathroom. Why would I willingly go to a bar with her after that incident? Young, dumb and in love I guess. She was outside with a crowd of guys around her. I was upset. I said, you left me hanging. She got upset and threatened to walk home. Her walking home would consist of 2 miles through alleys in the ghetto. I wasn’t letting her go. I pleaded, she kept walking and eventually grabbed her jacket. Cops see this from across the street and slam me against a brick wall, severely bruising my arm. They accuse me of “liking to beat up on women”. Everyone outside of the bar (including my girlfriend) who witnessed it tells the police I never touched her physically, just grabbed her jacket. I explained to them I didn’t want to let her walk home like this late at night. They let me go. After all this, I still stay with her. Dumb i know.

 

 

 

There were many other incidents but those two were the highlights. Many occasions of her being out late, and me having to pick her up from a drama filled incident. I eventually got upset with her on the phone telling her she needs to get her sh** together. Her mom overheard and the mom started yelling at me. I said to her ‘Are you even aware the path your daughter is going down, who she hangs around with, etc.? You’re yelling at the only person apparently who actually gives a crap and is trying to do something about it.’ She accused me of being out of my mind and on drugs. I then started to realize that she had no support system.

 

 

 

I finally realized she needed to get out of that town, and be around my friends and family who had it a bit more together. We moved to a quiet town close to my family and friends and the drinking started to slow down, the cigarettes went away and she got a stable job. I was thrilled. A year passes, we celebrate. The drinking always lingered but wasn’t as much of an issue as it once was. She always had a very low tolerance but for some reason I didn’t want to just tell her you can’t ever drink. I had faith she was capable of drinking responsibly and know her limits. I would say 75% of the time she could. A lot of babysitting occurred but it didn’t matter I loved her. I looked past a lot of it.

 

 

 

Our dreams grew bigger and we had our site set on to moving to California. I had a film degree and thought it would be cool to try it out there. Being from New York, it seemed nice. She was up for it. We were excited. We sold everything in our apartment moved out there with a little bit of money and no jobs. I started freelancing doing video and graphics for little pay. I struggled. Meanwhile, she landed a great job. I eventually started making some money but not as much as her. I still struggled. I became frustrated, and paranoid that I couldn’t make a career of this. I settled. I started to neglect her and focus day and night on how I can get my career going. I began to get agitated with everything. Traffic, people, and even her. I would begin to parent all her decisions. I was really critical and hard on her because she didn’t understand what I was trying to build and the risk it takes to even make a stable career in the industry i was pursuing. She didn’t know how to handle it. I told her I don’t know what to do. She had no answer. She started to distance herself a bit. At the same time I was looking for comfort, pep talks, reassurance and advice from her, which obviously wasn’t her role in this. She didn’t know how to handle it. It wasn’t something she was prepared for. Our relationship suffered for 2 years. Although, within those 2 years we DID have great times. We went on trips together (San Francisco, Hawaii etc.) She even tattooed 'love is infinity' on her foot. We would get compliments from our friends of how good we are together, people looked up to us. They seen the bright side of us when we were social. At home it was hit or miss. She lost faith in me. Eventually she wanted to break up. She had a great job, a beautiful car and was constantly around successful people. I woke up and realized I needed to do something and do something fast and get out of this depression. I needed to prove to her I could turn this thing around and snap out of it. Within a matter of weeks I got a call offering me a full-time video editing job. I took it right away. Best job I ever had and was exactly the job i set my sights on prior to coming out here. I couldn’t wait to tell her. I told her but I could tell she was more shocked that I actually got the job that fast than actually happy. I could tell. I kept chugging along but I could tell she still wasn’t happy. It was a turnoff. Eventually, she came home one day and cried saying she can’t do it anymore. She said she can’t help it but her feelings towards me have went away. She also said she started to resent me because I continued to play a father figure role in her life when she really just wanted a boyfriend. She just wanted to be free of this and live life her own way for once making her own decisions. I said to her I was there for her in the beginning and gave her a million chances why can’t she give me another chance? We ended up splitting. A part of me realized that yes maybe she did need to live life on her own, her way for a while. I was convinced eventually she would realize how much I truly loved her and how dedicated I was to her that she would come back. Time heals.

 

 

 

6 months go by. I never hear from her. I dated people in the meantime, but wasn’t the same as her. Eventually, we were due to be at a mutual friends gathering that we would be staying at for 2 nights. I made the attempt to call her on the phone, to see if she was ok with me being there. She was fine with it. We both thought we hated each other, but that wasn’t true. She sounded great and mature on the phone. It was attractive. We both said we were looking forward to seeing each other. I show up to the party and she is completely drunk. She had a 23 year old friend with her and in a drunken slur greets me at the door by saying ‘This is my soulmate.’ upon entering. I rolled my eyes internally but still smiled and was cordial. I was already disappointed. We all hung out civilly and she couldn’t stop following me around. As much as I wanted to be with her, the drinking was such a turnoff. She was loud and obnoxious and all of our friends were annoyed. The cops were called due to the noise which stemmed mostly from her high pitch voice. At the end of the night she professes her love for me and tells me she’s seeing someone but its not the same and she can’t picture a life without me. She wanted me bad. I wanted her bad too but had reservations about letting these problems back in my life. I rejected her non-verbally and she could tell. She went home the next day devastated and crashed her car. I wrote her an email saying i was looking forward to seeing her but was disappointed and I can’t associate with you anymore, it’s too hard to see after all we’ve been through. She wrote me back apologizing and said I was right and wants to calm down. I never responded. I made a few attempts to but never could quite get out what I wanted to say so I never said anything. A month passed. I finally sat and thought about things and realized, this girl needs my full attention and love. Not a father figure. I looked through all of our pictures and broke down. I started to feel guilty for not showing her love and attention during my freelancing period. I was convinced that’s all she needed and I was willing to take her problems and all the baggage that came with it. I wanted to try again and make things right. I reached out to her to set up a sober meeting. She was great but tells me she’s still with her boyfriend. I didn’t care. Then she proceeds to tell me it was her bosses son. Ok... NOW I wanted to leave. But… I compose myself and stay. She says “but I don’t even know if it’s going to work etc.” I said well lets hang out tomorrow. I go home trying to wrap my head around the bosses son thing. I ignore it and move forward. We hang out again have some drinks. She said she’s torn between me and him and doesn’t want to hurt anyone. We walk arm in arm back to her place. She gives me a small kiss on the neck and I go home. Next day I ask to hang out again. I started to feel we were going to get back together. She calls me and says she has to get something off her chest. I invite her over. She says she’s in love with this guy. I said ‘A month ago you were head over heels for me.’ She said I know but you never responded to me and in the meantime I healed and spent 10 days in Mexico with him and fell in love. I said “well what about the past few days of us hanging out?’ She said “well, I didn’t want to just drop the bomb on you so fast. I didn’t know how to tell you so I just kept it friendly.” I was devastated. She also said he’s staying with her for a week and they are spending Thanksgiving together with her boss and the whole family. She’s also flying out to see him (he lives in Colorado) to spend New Years together. They have all these plans together. I couldn’t handle it. I break down horribly and she leaves.

 

The next day she shows up at a mutual friends party with 3 of her new friends and one of their boyfriends (at a married couples house who we’ve been close with since we moved to California). Her new friends are all in their early 20’s.

 

[On a side note on top of her new young friends. Her best friend is my age. She’s very opinionated and I know she has my ex’s ear in a lot of this. Meanwhile she is dating (and in love with) my ex’s 20 year old brother. That should give you an idea of the maturity level she surrounds her self around. She never quite connects with the girlfriends of my friends who are a bit more stable in happy relationships.]

 

Anyways, back to the party. We are both civil with each other. She introduces me to her friends. I say hello and play it cool. Our mutual friend (who owns the house) notices that her new friends have been hanging out in the bathroom for the past hour or so with the door shut. My ex is going in and out. People start to suspect they are doing drugs. He eventually goes in to the bathroom and they are all sitting on the floor, some in the bathtub. He tells them they have to leave. My ex swears up and down they were not doing drugs. She starts to yell at him. Then she starts to yell at his wife (another close friend of ours) asking her to tell him to calm down. Everyone gets quiet and it becomes awkward. She says ‘These are the most genuine people I’ve ever met in my life. They don’t do those things.’ These are friends she’s known for two weeks vs. friends we’ve known for years. They eventually kick her out. She starts calling ME! She’s pleading her case to me and I eventually said ‘Don’t you think it’s childish of your friends (drugs or no drugs) to go to someones house you don’t know and hangout in their bathroom with the door shut? And on top of it, why are you calling me? Shouldn’t you be calling your boyfriend?’ and I hung up. The next day, I came across something in my house that was very dear to us that I wanted to give her as a reminder of what we truly had together. It was a special token that meant a lot to us. I invited her over, gave it to her. She cried. I then lightened the mood, we joked, we laughed, hugged and even flirted. Then she left and that was it.

 

Thanksgiving was coming. The days leading up to it I couldn’t focus. All I could think about was her sitting around that dinner table with him and her job all happy. I couldn’t function at work. I would break down off and on all day. I started to get angry. I felt like I deserved another chance at making this right. How she could throw this all away for this guy and spend the holidays with him killed me. I had no where to go for Thanksgiving because our families were on the East coast. I woke up Thanksgiving morning and knew I couldn’t sit at home. I was so out of it that I drove 100 miles east into the desert with no idea of where I was going. All I had was my sketchpad and alcohol. I ended up in a small town of 1000 people in the middle of nowhere. I stayed at a hotel. Got drunk in the sun and started to text her non-stop. I wrote her e-mails and all kinds of sad, pleading messages mixed with angry messages. I wrote her closest friends e-mails as well (nothing angry, just telling them how much I love her and want to make things right.) I also messaged her mother. I was trying anything and everything to show her and everyone how much I loved this girl. The only responses I was getting from my ex was “Im scared to death for you” and “You’re a great guy you’ll find someone better than me.” I wake up to a knock on my patio and it was the hotel manager. Apparently I left a lot of my belongings outside of my patio door which caused him to come over. Meanwhile, I had passed out from sitting in the sun. He asked if I was ok. I said not really, haha. I just need to eat. It was thanksgiving. The last thing I wanted to do was go out to eat by myself. But the only place open was a hotel restaurant up the street. I realized I was going to be that guy eating a thanksgiving dinner alone at the bar. This was truly my rock bottom. I gave my story to the bartender, met some people and had a great time. I hit it off with the restaurant manager and she showed me around town the next day. I made a new friend.

 

I went home and still couldn’t stop thinking about my ex. Days went by I didn’t reach out to her nor did she. In the meantime, one of her friends responded and didn’t know what to say other than she can’t see how she could love someone that fast when a month ago she was still in love with me. Her mom, on the other hand, just said ‘well, her new boyfriend seems like a good guy. Hope you have a happy holiday!’ Then another message from her saying ‘But I want to thank you for getting her out of this town, she wouldn’t be where she is today without you doing that.’ Then she unfriended me. I still broke down everyday. I couldn’t help it anymore and I texted her. I told her I missed her and just want to make things right. I wanted to make up for all the neglect and agitation directed towards her through my dark period etc. She finally called me and said she was ready to block all communication with me and even her address. She said the stuff I wrote her on thanksgiving was so awful and went into how I’m the only one who talks to her the way I do. I didn’t want what I wrote to her in that state of mind to be a representation of who I am or how I would be with her. Apparently I called her a coward for turning her back on me and giving up on me without giving me a chance to prove myself. It was my rock bottom and I feel like I lost the love of my love and I was fighting for it. I told her you don’t know how you would react in that situation. I then started to realize that although she broke down a month prior when I rejected her, she never fought for it like I did. And frankly, when I looked at the past years of our relationship, she never fought for it at all. I felt like she threw in the towel early on in my freelancing days out here and never returned. But then there’s that side of her that she has always had…where she can’t ever express her feelings. She would always keep things inside. I would have to pry her feelings out of her. She said she never felt good enough for me and was intimidated. Regardless, I didn’t care right now. I was so set on just overwhelming her with love that I felt like it would cure it all. All I wanted was for her to let me in. She reiterated that she didn’t want it anymore and she was happy with her situation. I accepted reality and ended up having a normal friendly conversation with her. The next day the same thing. We agreed it felt good to at least be civil.

 

Days go by, she starts texting me each day asking how I’m doing. Part of me had hope she was coming around. The other part of me started to get the feeling she just felt bad for me and wanted to make sure I was doing ok so not to have the guilt on her conscious if I was doing poorly. I thought of this because she would always say through all of this ‘see? you’re always making me feel guilty.’ So it seemed like that’s all she was concerned with. I was confused. I realized I needed to move on regardless if she was confused or not. And if she truly wanted to work things out then she could call me. Otherwise, no more contact because the random texts were giving me a false sense of hope and blocking my ability to move forward.

 

I invited her out to dinner basically to tell her this. She agreed and suggested one of our favorite places. Now I’m confused again. Regardless, i stuck with the plan. I told her how I felt then asked why her mom unfriended me. She got upset and said why did you contact my friends? I said I didn’t know what to do but it was coming from a good place. She goes ‘well it made everyone uncomfortable.’ Then she started saying ‘See? now I’m sick to my stomach. I knew I shouldn’t have a greed to go to dinner with you. I knew it would turn into this.’ Then I said ‘Look, it’s coming from a good place. You’re the love of my life, of course I’m going to fight for this. Why are you getting so upset with me right now?’ Then I said 'I’ll leave.’ Then she said ‘Oh you’re just going to get up and leave now?’ (We were done and paid for already.) I said ‘No matter what I say you’re just going to be upset with me so I feel I should leave.’ She calms down we go outside and she says ‘See? This is why we can’t be together. This is hard for me too you know.’ I said ‘You decided to give up on us, not me!’ She says ‘Yea but the way you talk to me, I’ll always make you upset about something.’ I said, ‘YOU got upset at me in there, and now you’re upset with me based on me getting upset about it!?!?’ I said ‘All I want to do is love you and you keep shutting me down.’ I told her I had nothing to say to her other than ‘I hope this guy is everything you wanted.'

 

This was the last I seen her, she broke down and I left her. She sat in her car and cried as I drove away. Tomorrow she has plans to fly to Colorado to see him and also spend New Years with him.

 

The end.

 

What went wrong and what should I be doing? Half of me says accept my loss. The other believes that if we started from ground zero, lived separately and took it slow (rather than jumping back in to the relationship) and truly started over we could fix this thing. But both parties need to be willing to. Obviously she’s not. I just don't want to give up, she is the love of my life.

 

Is our relationship completely dead in the dirt? Did I mess it all up by not giving her space and fighting for this too hard? I welcome any opinions on our story. Good or bad.

[bubbaganoosh]

That was a long post and here's a short answer. Boy you know how to pick them. Man there were so many warning signs and you either didn't want to see them or hoped they would go away on their own.

 

All in all you shouldn't have got involved with such a troubled person to begin with. If I were you, I would let it go and start being a whole lot more particular picking women.

[aaforever]

Yup. Thought I could solve them, thought they would go away. She made a great turnaround in the beginning, I latched on to that and thought she'd eventually mature. I guess I was wrong.

 

I do wonder if down the line she will realize what she truly had in me. I can't imagine many people going to the extent I did for someone like that.

[angel.eyes]

Ask yourself why you feel compelled to rescue and parent the person you date. ThIngs seemed to work best for you when she was spinning out of control. When she finally got a decent job and seemed to do well at work, you were troubled that she seemed to be doing better than you.

 

Please read up on codependency.

[Art_Critic]

Please read up on codependency.

 

yeah.. and it would help to learn about Alanon, your GF is a full blown Alcoholic and will not quit drinking until she wants to and you cannot rescue her and fix that.

 

Any codependency book out there would be a good start, you need to look inside yourself to figure out why you don;t put yourself first and put other people in a priority that should be reserved for you.

 

and let her go.. don't ever speak to her again or he charming Alcoholic ways will come back to haunt you.

 

Try and get some help to fix the wake of emotional destruction that she has caused with her addiction and realize that she is a lost cause to you and you need to look after yourself.

Edited December 11, 2014 by a LoveShack.org Moderator

[kp4633]

Reading your story really helped me. I see similarities (though not as extreme) in comparison to my past relationship. You're a caregiver like me lol. Are you Cancer? I wouldn't be surprised.

 

Anyway, when you picked her you chose to be the guy to help this girl off her feet and "save" her. Well guess what? YOU DID. From the moment you split you WON. You helped her get her life straightened out and saved her from a life she did not want. But you need to let her go. Forever, don't contact her don't stalk her. I'm telling you this for you not her. You deserve so much better my friend. I know it's tough but you gotta realize that there is someone so much better in store for you. Just keep doing YOU (you know the person you were before you started dating). This will set you FREE I promise!

[PaperCrane]

We all strive to see logical reasons to an illogical feeling.

 

I could write volumes on your rather riveting tale of a relationship but if I were to be reading this as a story I would assume it is dead and gone.

 

Accept your losses, the actual few you have out of all this, and move on. She hasn't changed at all really in the time you were together. Could you even imagine living like that for 5, 10, 15, 30 more years?

 

You did an amazing thing helping her and stepping up to try and shield her and let her grow. Despite your efforts it all went to ****. Don't feel bad man, sometimes everything just needs to fully break so it can be fixed again.

[aaforever]

First let me say, thank you guys so much for responding. This helps me tremendously.

 

I'll respond to each of you...

 

Thank you guys.

 

angel. eyes. - I was troubled that I couldn't provide. I brought her all the way out here and convinced her we could make it. We had dreams of using our work experience/success out here and taking it back home with us to start a life closer to our families. I wasn't doing my part. I felt awful.

 

And yes I do believe I became co-dependent without even realizing it (or knowing the definition of it) throughout our entire relationship. Prior to her I was in a 5 year relationship and it was completely different. I never acted this way with anyone else but her.

 

I realized this recently which made me break down. I became aware that all she needed was a boyfriend. Not a parent. I got a huge sense of urgency to show her that I could turn this around and give her that. That has been my campaign. I don't expect her to believe me but that she at least gave me a chance to show her by starting at the ground level rather than jumping right back in. But yes, I guess her problems will still be there and it would only be a matter of time before they pop up again.

 

 

Art-Critic - Thank you. I will say that she would only drink if other people were. She was a chameleon. If she was in an environment where people were playing board games, she would be all in. If she was around people heavily drinking, she would be all in. If she was just with me one on one she would drink moderately, or as much as I have. If her friends are hanging out in the bathroom, she would do that too. She seemed to always embrace whatever it was everyone else was doing to fit in regardless how childish or how it could effect her partner.

 

kp4633 - We are both Libras. Yes I feel like I am a caregiver. I grew up similar to my ex. I'm an only child and my parents were divorced. But my parents seperately showed me so much love and support that I truly believe it made me who I am today. I thank them for focusing on me throughout all of their conflict. And yes, I realize that I do deserve better and that's what's motivating me to keep going.

 

PaperCrane - You're absolutely right. No I couldn't imagine living like that in the future or bringing a kid into the situation. Jesus! But, for some reason I always held on to this hope that she would come around at some point.

 

Thanks again everyone for your take on this and your uplifting words. It goes a long way, especially today.

[Chi townD]

Okay, please don't get mad at me when I say this, but I'm going to say it anyway. You got to stop being Captain Save-a-Ho. This chick is BAD NEWS! She doesn't have baggage, she's got steamer trunks. And her mom seems to be a major bitch as well. She's someone else's problem now. And that's the way she wants it.

 

 

It sucks, because you believe that you saved her from utter destruction. and now someone else gets to enjoy the benefits of your sacrifices. But, here's the rub, she didn't change. The only thing that changed about her is geographical location. She still seems to find herself traveling with the wrong crowd. Still seems to find trouble. To be seriously and 100% honest with you? I see her in prison in 3 years time.

 

 

This chick is a nightmare and you need to cut her out of your life. Even when you think you're at your lowest, people raise you up. I mean, look at what happened during Thanksgiving! You drove 1000 miles in the desert to get drunk and feel sorry for yourself. You ate at a restaurant, talked to people, unloaded your story, met the manager that was kind enough to show you around town! Not an ideal holiday, but it turned into something nice! You found your way here. Now, you're going to meet people that are going to give you the tools to raise yourself up again. To walk down your own path (that isn't so destructive if you would continue to walk with her).

 

 

First thing you need to do is a concept called NO CONTACT (NC). Do not call her, text her or email her. delete her from social media and BLOCK her on Facebook. If she calls, let it go to voicemail. If she texts or emails, IGNORE IT!!!! Do not respond!

 

 

NC will help you heal and move on with your life. That's where you need to start.

[aaforever]

Wow Chi_townD. You nailed it.

 

What you said about 'walking down your own path' struck a chord with me. You're right. I look around at all the friends I have made on my own and none of them compare to the nightmares that she latches on to. The friend I made on Thanksgiving was a direct result of me following my own path, recognizing good people and allowing them into my life. I have great friends and great parents and I have no doubt a great girlfriend will be apart of my future.

 

I just hope to god she wakes up at some point in her life. The girl wouldn't harm a fly, but I can see where her lack of compassion comes from (her mother). It's sad. She has so much potential as a human being.

 

Thanks again man. This helps a lot.

[Chi townD]

 

I just hope to god she wakes up at some point in her life. The girl wouldn't harm a fly, but I can see where her lack of compassion comes from (her mother). It's sad. She has so much potential as a human being.

 

Thanks again man. This helps a lot.

 

 

Gonna beg to differ with you. She has 3 DUI's; convicted of 2. Everytime she went out drinking and driving, she could have easily slammed into a car traveling with a family and killed them all. Hell, she destroyed a car on her own!

 

 

 

Dude, you can't help someone that doesn't want help.

 

 

You sound like a good guy and people see that in you. And let's be honest, you're friends are concerned that your hurting. BUT! are happy as hell that you're away from that! That should tell you something!

 

 

Time to get your revenge, dude. And the best revenge you can get is lead a DAMN good life!

[aaforever]

Thanks so much man. I need to hear this stuff.

[Chi townD]

Thanks so much man. I need to hear this stuff.

 

 

 

And what's even more dangerous. She brought three friends to a party and they were all locked up in the bathroom doing drugs. What if one of those douche rockets over dosed and you had to call an ambulance? Do you think the police would look at your Ex? Nope! They would be looking at the owners of that house who were throwing the party! They would ask them why they were throwing a party where there's drugs present? THEY would get in trouble, not your Ex.

 

 

And what about the person that name she used to get out of her DUI conviction? That persons driving record is screwed and makes her insurance rates go through the roof for minimal insurance for years to come! But your Ex gets away scott free.

 

 

Dude, she's not a nice person.

[aaforever]

Yes. She puts everyone at risk with her actions. Here's one for you I learned recently. A mutual friend of mines girlfriend had rented a house out for her birthday in Palm Springs. My ex was the last one in the house one night and in her drunken stupor doesn't lock the door. They wake up and all of their money and belongings are missing. Someone came in and robbed them. Scary right? And thankfully that's all they did.

 

What has been tough is that we have a lot of mutual friends. I am amazed as to why they invite her anywhere anymore. That I don't understand. She's not high on everyones list that much I know. I'm sure they will push her away eventually due to her actions. But what's tough is hearing these stories or just not being able to go places because she's there. I'm considering moving back to the east coast or try a new city to completely reset and start a new life. I wake up everyday in the same apartment we lived in, in the same city we came out to together, work at the same job, and see the same people who know her. It's hard to erase her completely. Her lease is up in 6 months and she has mentioned considering moving to where her boyfriend is after that. So we will see.

 

All in all, reading all these responses is helping a ton and just further re-iterates what was always in the back of mind.

[loversquarrel]

I read your first two paragraphs and it was enough for me, as it should have been for you. How many red flags does one need???

[aaforever]

Young and dumb. Didn't realize the world of hurt I was getting myself into I guess.

[PaperCrane]

Young and dumb. Didn't realize the world of hurt I was getting myself into I guess.

 

You keep saying young and dumb. One thing I want you to do is stop saying dumb. You did what you thought was best, which is never dumb. Falling in love is not dumb, it is the one thing we're all here to find. Helping people is not dumb. The things may have ended poorly but you're anything but dumb.

 

The fact you came here, became introspective and actually care about bettering the situation and yourself shows the exact opposite.

 

What you chose may have been unwise, and that's why these things happen. Just learn from it man. You'll pick yourself up. I know it hurts like a bitch.

[aaforever]

You're right. I think I'm too hard on myself at times. I guess I'm always striving to evolve in some way and feel like I've come a long way from where and what I came from that when I look back at all of this I go... what was I thinking?!

 

I will say I am looking forward to applying what I learned in the next relationship. Also, I plan to be a bit more aware of warning signs as to not go down a similar road again with someone new.

[Chatmonkey]

Read it all man, heck of a story.

 

Overall this will strengthen you and help you build a solid emotional foundation, allowing you to make better decisions and handle future relationships in an improved manor.

 

Whenever it is that you find that one girl that you marry, it will be all of your past failed relationships that built you up, giving you the knowledge and strength necessary for the last one to be a success.

 

When this time comes, you will be thankful for your experiences that have led you to that moment.

 

Stay strong brother. You WILL get through this.

[Satu]

I'm late to join the conversation, but I'd like to share this with you:

 

Always remember that love is a great and wonderful thing, but it does not come with magic powers. Your love won't ever heal someone in itself. It can support someone who is involved in their own process of healing, but thats as far as it can go.

 

Love is magical, but it isn't magic.

 

Thats something I learned the hard way.

 

Good luck, and all the best.

[SoThatHappened]

Read the whole thing as well. Thank you for the paragraphs!!!

 

Honestly couldn't stop reading it. It was a lot to get through, but well-written.

 

That said, be easy on yourself. You're a caregiver (like me) because you want to be a hero. You want to be liked/loved for what you can do instead of who you are. I can relate.

 

I didn't have as many red flags as you, but might as well have. I just swept them all under the rug and kept going because I was in love. I even remember telling myself in the beginning stages of my relationship, "Dude, what are you doing?"

 

She won't forget what you did for her, I promise you that. And I also promise you that NC and working on yourself (physically, mentally, and emotionally) will get you past this.

 

Saw a quote a couple weeks ago that I really like (from a young comedian's twitter):

 

"Not everyone you lose is a loss. Unless it's me. Then you f***ed up."

 

She f***ed up. Her loss.

[aaforever]

Thanks guys. I have a lot of healing and reading to do. Your perspectives have helped me tremendously. I truly hope she has a wake up call and I'm interested to see how her life pans out if she were to move to a new town with this guy with no friends and no bad influences. I'm sure she'll latch on to another set of train wrecks and re-create the same cycle with him.

 

At least it's not my problem now.

[aaforever]

You know and as time passes it just makes me sad more than anything, for her.

 

The whole thing is sad really. What intrigues me the most right now is what made her this way? I suspect the lack of compassion from the mother (which I've experienced first hand), the lack of a father, the moving around a lot as a child and spending her teen years growing up in a low income crime ridden area plays a big part in way she is the way she is. I'm obviously not a professional but there's got to be something to that.