getbacktogether Posted December 10, 2014 Posted December 10, 2014 Hello, I am a divorced man asking if there is a possibility to be back with my ex wife? we were married for 14 years and dating 3 years prior. I would always give my wife all of me, support her ideas and tried to be everything she wanted. we have a family together and recently suffered the loss of a child.(1 year 10 months old.) Here is our history... after 8 years of marriage I had an affair on my wife. I felt like the lowest person alive. I told her about it and also why I did what I did, we tried to move forward from it and a year later we had another child. She was the child we lost. A year later my wife came to me and said she wanted a separation because of what I did and I was devastated. She always said that things were good, and I was doing everything I could to show and prove that my infadelity was a one time thing, I made a terrible mistake and would never do it again. I later found out she was talking to her ex boyfriend from 17 years ago and that was right around the time she asked for the separation. she moved out and was accusing me of being with someone again and that i cheated on her throughout the entire marriage. I was talking to a coworker(female) about what was going through my wife's head to get a unbais opinion, which turned out to be the biggest mistake because she started emailing my wife and spreading rumours saying I was with her now, then ttried to extort money from me. I got the police involved. So now my wife is with a new guy, and I still try to ask her forgiveness and give me another chance. Needless to say she doesnt believe a word that comes out of my mouth. I still want to be with her because I love her. I do realise that the trust is gone and no matter what I say I am just a liar to her. And everything she does seems to be out of spite, how can I get her to see that I made a bad decision, and I am sorry for it and I learned from it? I want to be with her because I love her and our family, I would like to show her that I am a good man and I will be loyal to her. We both now know the mistakes we made in the marraige and they can be fixed. she tells me that she will never be back with me because she knows the person I am, when in reality she is not seeing who I am at all. She is intimate now with this new guy but still talks and facetimes with her ex. When I ask her what she feels for them she responds with " I am not with anyone, I dont have a boyfriend and I dont have to say anything to them" She seems like she is being spiteful towards me or am I just in fantasyland? Is there any hope for us being back together?
jm2013 Posted December 10, 2014 Posted December 10, 2014 It kind of sounds like she still loves you and is trying to make you jealous. Perhaps this is her way of "getting even" if you will. You should break communication and only communicate if it is about the kids. If it is meant to be it is meant to be. There are success stories out there. I think the only one I've seen so far is with DKT3.
Author getbacktogether Posted December 10, 2014 Author Posted December 10, 2014 She doesn't seem happy though. I want her to be happy , even if it isn't with me. It just seems like revenge, and if thats the case, will she come back?
jm2013 Posted December 10, 2014 Posted December 10, 2014 She doesn't seem happy though. I want her to be happy , even if it isn't with me. It just seems like revenge, and if thats the case, will she come back? We don't have a crystal ball. But if you feed into it I'm sure it will only get worse and hand you more hurt to sit back and watch it. Perhaps writing a nice letter with all of your feelings then leaving the door open to a reconciliation in the future may work. In that time you could work on yourself and get to a nice happy spot. If your wife desires to be with you I'm sure she'll let you know. 1
Author getbacktogether Posted December 10, 2014 Author Posted December 10, 2014 Thank you for the guidance. It is so hard to worry and wait. Then again I'm sure that is what I put her through. I don't know how to find a happy place. My happiness always came from my family's happiness. I am talking to a councillor and she tells me to find out what makes me happy it just seems impossible.
fellini Posted December 10, 2014 Posted December 10, 2014 You cannot make her see you for what you are. She might, as some say, be trying to make you jealous. She might just be done with you, done with thinking about you, even if she sort of still loves you. Or maybe she is done loving you from the pain. Or maybe she was done with you a long time ago, losing a child and losing her trust in you, and she was just waiting for something to help her out the door. There are too many possibilities and too many variables. What is clear is: Only she knows where she is at. And only you know where you are at. If you want to "win" her back, you are going to have to be YOU without HER. No more expectations, second guessing. Build your life. If she comes back sometime, you will be blessed. If she does not, you will be blessed because you will finally be living the live you made for yourself and not spending the rest of your days wasting yourself trying to convince her of something ONLY SHE CAN CONVINCE HERSELF IS WORTH DOING. Good luck. 1
Author getbacktogether Posted December 11, 2014 Author Posted December 11, 2014 Thanks for the comment. I can see I am trying to smother her. I have told her what she means to me and that I would like to give us another try. You are right. It is up to her to choose to try again. I guess that I am holding myself back and it's up to me to start moving forward. I am just so lonely and sorry for what I caused my family. I cherish every moment I have with my kids. I just don't know how to move forward without her.
Steen719 Posted December 11, 2014 Posted December 11, 2014 After discovering my XH's infidelity and a bunch of crap happened and I divorced him, he had started dating another woman (not the affair partner who was an old gf from years before). I went to get the cable equipment from the house and he told me he was not seeing anyone. He really tried to get me to believe hm, too. What was the reason? Who knows, really? My guess is that he was still trying to hedge his bets, thinking he could somehow keep me on a tether while he romanced his new woman. I was not interested, but I was amazed that he was still lying about what he was doing when we were already divorced. I'm not sure if he was a pathological liar or that he thought I would always be there, but he was lying as he always did and it didn't matter what the reason was. Maybe you should let it go and try to move on with your life. If she wants to come back at some point, maybe you will want to or maybe by then, you won't. You can concentrate on your relationship with your kids and taking care of yourself and be the best person you can be. It doesn't sound like she is interested in resuming your relationship. I hope you can feel better about it all soon. It stinks to feel so bad, but it does get better and clarity comes with some distance.
Author getbacktogether Posted December 11, 2014 Author Posted December 11, 2014 Thanks for the comment. I believe at this point she is not interested in getting back together however everything she is doing is out of anger. I can honestly say that. She is hurt and confused for what I can see but driven by anger. I try to step back but always ask what she is doing. The fact that she has told me she is having sex with someone now is giving her satisfaction with getting even and I do deserve that. I did it to her. Now I want to see if she will chose to work it out or just continue with what she is doing. I tried to make things better after what I did because I truly felt bad for what I did. I just want to see if she will do the same.
fellini Posted December 11, 2014 Posted December 11, 2014 This is sort of my point to you. IF she has moved on and is enjoying other men, then you need to move on too. IF she has not moved on and is punishing you, you need to tell her only, look, Im here ready to talk if you ever want. LIVE authentically enjoying your children, and hope that one day she will see she cannot punish you forever and expect you to always be there EMOTIONALLY for her (I dont mean go out and find some bombshell of a GF and try to push her to come back through jealousy. Simply show her your mature moving on self and if she is even remotely hesitant, she might start exploring being friends and giving it another try or lose you forever. Thanks for the comment. I believe at this point she is not interested in getting back together however everything she is doing is out of anger. I can honestly say that. She is hurt and confused for what I can see but driven by anger. I try to step back but always ask what she is doing. The fact that she has told me she is having sex with someone now is giving her satisfaction with getting even and I do deserve that. I did it to her. Now I want to see if she will chose to work it out or just continue with what she is doing. I tried to make things better after what I did because I truly felt bad for what I did. I just want to see if she will do the same. 1
oldshirt Posted December 11, 2014 Posted December 11, 2014 Divorce takes a lot of work, money, time, energy and commitment. If someone takes the time and effort and expense to divorce you, it's not a passing whim. The fact she is involved with someone else in an intimate relationship is just more nails in the coffin. IMHO the time and energy and emotional investment you are putting into to pining over your ex would be much better spent moving on and looking for someone else. Athol Kay from "The Married Man Sexlife" website has a saying that I believe is very true and that is, "it is easier to give birth than to resurrect the dead." In many ways divorce is very much like a death. Sometimes you just need to treat it like a death and mourn it, grieve it, go through the grief stages (denial, anger, bargaining, depression, acceptance) and ultimately accept that it is gone and move on with your own life. you have been through a lot of loss and no parent should ever have to bury a child so it is understandable that would want to hold on to all that you can hold on to. But divorce is an intentional and deliberate act. She chose her path and while that may not have been your choice, that judgment has been made. My recommendation is to seek professional grief counseling to help you deal with the losses you have experienced and to help you get back on your feet and back to moving forward with your life. you have endured more than anyone should have to and getting some help in dealing with that would help you deal with those losses. 1
fellini Posted December 11, 2014 Posted December 11, 2014 Then again, some people divorce, and later reconcile and remarry if not simply return to having shared living arrangements. Nothing is engraved in stone. Divorce takes a lot of work, money, time, energy and commitment. If someone takes the time and effort and expense to divorce you, it's not a passing whim. The fact she is involved with someone else in an intimate relationship is just more nails in the coffin. IMHO the time and energy and emotional investment you are putting into to pining over your ex would be much better spent moving on and looking for someone else. Athol Kay from "The Married Man Sexlife" website has a saying that I believe is very true and that is, "it is easier to give birth than to resurrect the dead." In many ways divorce is very much like a death. Sometimes you just need to treat it like a death and mourn it, grieve it, go through the grief stages (denial, anger, bargaining, depression, acceptance) and ultimately accept that it is gone and move on with your own life. you have been through a lot of loss and no parent should ever have to bury a child so it is understandable that would want to hold on to all that you can hold on to. But divorce is an intentional and deliberate act. She chose her path and while that may not have been your choice, that judgment has been made. My recommendation is to seek professional grief counseling to help you deal with the losses you have experienced and to help you get back on your feet and back to moving forward with your life. you have endured more than anyone should have to and getting some help in dealing with that would help you deal with those losses.
Author getbacktogether Posted December 11, 2014 Author Posted December 11, 2014 That's the thing, she rushed through the divorce and it didn't cost much. We agreed on child support and I still give her more than I'm supposed to. She said she decided on the divorce when she accused me of having a new girlfriend. Although we were already seperated she contacted the girl even after the divorce they were in contact and I didn't even know about it until the girl emailed me asking for me to pay her to make this go away. Everything was rushed and it was because of anger. That's why I still hold on. Mentally my wife is in so much pain and you are right she does need to find herself. We have both suffered so much, but at the same time we got through so much together. So when and if she decides to come back we will be invincible. Apart neither of us is accomplishing our true potential. I am so thankful for all your advice. It helps me to look at this from many angles. I agree on the fact I need to be strong and have a great relationship with my kids. And believe me nothing comes before that. Its just hard to be alone when you have so much love and compassion to offer. I will continue the fight. I am not ready to throw in the towel but I do see I need to back away. I don't give her a chance to miss me. And hopefully she will, but like I said, at this point I am not ready to be with someone else. I couldn't be with someone when I am still in love with someone else. Nobody deserves that.
oldshirt Posted December 11, 2014 Posted December 11, 2014 So how much did you contest the divorce? Did you stand before the court and say, "No I do not agree to this divorce because I am still in love with my wife and want us to continue to have an intact home and family. The reason she claims to be divorcing me is inaccurate and false. I am still committed to the marriage and do not believe that she is petitioning for divorce not knowing all the facts." Did you do that???? Or did you just cower in the corner and give her more than what she was entitled to because you didn't want to upset her??? Why did you not contest the divorce if you believe her reasons and rational for the divorce were inaccurate and misguided? Now I realize it only takes one person to make a divorce happen and that the petitioner does not need consent and cooperation of the respondent for a divorce to occur, but it is in the courts interest to have all of the facts and to ensure that all of the parties are acting in good faith are informed of the situation and of all of the ramifications of a the divorce before assigning judgment. Did you do anything to try to show proof or evidence that you had not repeated infidelity???? Did you do anything to show that she was divorcing for reasons that were not accurate or factual?? Did you do anything to try to stop or at least delay the divorce proceedings??????? You are trying to shut the barn door long after the horse has got out and has movied away and living happily in a new barn. Where was all of this conviction and effort to remain together while she was divorcing you????
NateGrey Posted December 11, 2014 Posted December 11, 2014 It's possible sure. But then again me winning the lottery 20 times in a row is also technically a possibility.
Author getbacktogether Posted December 11, 2014 Author Posted December 11, 2014 (edited) There was no courtroom battle. She told me the lawyer was representing both of us. I told her to let the court decide payment for the kids and alimony and it came back as less than what we agreed upon. She didn't go after the house alimony or anything. She filed under irreconcilable differences. I did contest it to her and the whole process took 5 months. She was supposed to live at home for a year so she could save money before deciding to move out that's why my guard was down. Then she moved out a week before Christmas because I complained about her discussing my finances with her ex. Everything was done impulsively and I did fight for her to stay. Every time she accused me of something I showed her it wasn't true. Discredited everything she threw at me but she said I was lying and she didn't believe me. At the time she was communicating with the girl I worked with and I didn't know. Believing all the lies and not telling me anything. I found out when the girl tried blackmailing me for money. She doesn't even want to see the police report I filed against the girl. When I found out about the divorce being final was 2 days after we got back from a family vacation. And when I tried to call the lawyer he said he was representing her alone. I was still shocked about all that happened and how fast. She would say that she doesn't know the future and wouldn't it be good to start a new relationship together with no infedelity, new rings, a honeymoon. That the divorce is only a paper. Now I don't know. She accuses me of cheating throughout the entire marriage. And being with someone else since we were seperated while telling her I am trying to get back together with her. No trust, impulsive and anger. That's her combination. Does that sound like someone who has let go of the relationship? Edited December 11, 2014 by getbacktogether
NateGrey Posted December 12, 2014 Posted December 12, 2014 Saying the divorce is only a paper is strange. Technically, isn't marriage? But one would argue it's more then just a paper, I would think the same holds true for divorce. It is certainly true that even if divorce is filed a person can change their mind before it goes through. It is also true that even if it goes through you can still get remarried if you decide, but on the other hand the reality is that the entire step of getting the process started is not a good sign either. I think your wife is showing classic signs of someone who has been cheated on. There is probably part of her who does want to get back together, but there is a bigger part of her telling her she absolutely can't trust you and you can't exactly blame her. I don't know what to tell you because this is a double edged sword. There might be a true chance for getting back together so if you gave up now you might never know. On the other hand if you never get back together the longer you tried to make it so and failed the more damage you will also do to yourself. Plus the sad reality is she could say she forgives you and get back with you and she could mean it and then 5 years from now she could wake up and realize no she can't trust you after all, and leave. Which again, one couldn't exactly fault her. 1
EverySunset Posted December 12, 2014 Posted December 12, 2014 Two big blows for your wife. The devastation of a cheating spouse, and the unbearable loss of a child. My sympathies to you both, I've seen this firsthand with close family members and two best friends. So hard. By itself, either one of these could've been too hard for your wife to deal with. Together they must seem absolutely insurmountable. The statistics of couples staying together after the loss of a child are daunting. The runaway emotions, the pressures they experience from within and from the outside world can tear a marriage apart. And infidelity… Makes everything so much more complicated. Your wife no longer looks to you for support, emotionally or physically. She has met or has reengaged other men that fill these voids for her now. That to me is largely the definitions of marriage. I would suggest that you work on yourself. Help yourself. Be the man and the father that you want to be for your other children before you can consider being a husband again. Unfortunately you may not be her husband in the end. And that's okay.
Author getbacktogether Posted December 12, 2014 Author Posted December 12, 2014 I understand your comment and I agree with you fully. If she can be happy and it is not with me I would be happy for her. Myself, I would want to be happy too. I just don't know how. I am still in love with her. I know that she is intimate now with someone else, I have asked her if she loves this person or anyone else and she says no. She has told me to come to Christmas at her family's place where we always go. She still shows anger towards me because she is hurt. So what about when those feelings subside? I do t like this pain that I am feeling. But I also made her feel this and I wanted her to work through it so that's why I also stick around. I see there is so much we can share together despite all that's happened. But I do work on myself and my daughters always come first. This whole waiting game is killing me though. But she is worth the wait.
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