Leegh Posted December 10, 2014 Posted December 10, 2014 Last week-end I went out on a second date with a divorced man in his 40's. He has good job (been employed at same co. for about 20 yrs.) and he has a daughter whom I can tell he cares about. On our date I asked him just a casual question about his mother (who is deceased) and he said "I had no use for her". I didn't ask or say anything more about his mother, and the rest of the date went well. To me, this is not a good sign, the reference he made about his mother. I don't like it when people don't have respect for their parents. What do you folks think? We have tentative plans to go out on Sat., but I am not sure. Would his comment about his mother turn you off and what would you do if you were in my shoes? Thanks for your advice.
doeblin Posted December 10, 2014 Posted December 10, 2014 You have absolutely no clue about what happened between them. She could've been a violent drunkard... or worse.
Danda Posted December 10, 2014 Posted December 10, 2014 Don't assume that everyone has had good to decent parents. Dysfunctional mothers are often extremely traumatizing to their children, male or female. It's not just fathers who can be crazy and/or abusive. Furthermore if his mother was a horrible person and he still respects women in general, then he is an incredibly mature man. Most men who grow up with abusive mothers wind up with boatloads of issues regarding women. "I had no use for her," comes across as entitled and narcissistic at a surface level, but if there are no other red flags, then chances are this was his way of saying, "I don't want to talk about that," only it was tainted with unresolved bad feelings. Again if everything else about him is great so far, then I'd say keep seeing him and just have your eyes open for red flags of bitterness towards women in general. But if he is respectful and kind to women in general and just has ill feelings about his mother, then there are probably legit reasons.
angel.eyes Posted December 10, 2014 Posted December 10, 2014 Last week-end I went out on a second date with a divorced man in his 40's. He has good job (been employed at same co. for about 20 yrs.) and he has a daughter whom I can tell he cares about. On our date I asked him just a casual question about his mother (who is deceased) and he said "I had no use for her". I didn't ask or say anything more about his mother, and the rest of the date went well. To me, this is not a good sign, the reference he made about his mother. I don't like it when people don't have respect for their parents. What do you folks think? We have tentative plans to go out on Sat., but I am not sure. Would his comment about his mother turn you off and what would you do if you were in my shoes? Thanks for your advice. For me, it would be a deal breaker. She's his mother. She's deceased, and he still can't forgive and move on. 1
angel.eyes Posted December 10, 2014 Posted December 10, 2014 You have absolutely no clue about what happened between them. She could've been a violent drunkard... or worse. Nelson Mandela forgave the prison wardens who tortured him for decades. Elie Weisel forgave the guards who murdered his family and tortured him in his Nazi concentration camp. Forgiving someone has more to do with you than the person who wronged you (or you feel wronged you). 1
Frank2thepoint Posted December 10, 2014 Posted December 10, 2014 Would his comment about his mother turn you off and what would you do if you were in my shoes? You don't know the details about how his relationship with his mother was. As other posters mentioned, she could have been an angry drunk, completely selfish, abusive, etc.. You've should of asked further questions, such as after he mentioned he had no use for her, just simply asking in what way did he not have any use for her, and why. Whenever I date a woman, I pay attention to her comments about her family members, and I always ask questions, to try to figure out if the woman had to suffer an abusive or selfish parent or the woman actually was disrespectful to her parent(s). For example, I had been on a date with a woman that mentioned her mother wasn't there for her when she was growing up. I prodded and learned that her mother was neglectful. This caused the woman to have intimacy issues, which wasn't her fault, but she wasn't right for me due to her lack of emotion and affection. Another woman I dated told me her father neglected her, and her mother would protect her when the family would get into us-versus-them type of situations. Her father and brothers versus her and her mother. But her brother hated her mother, so in order to bond with him, she would join in on disrespecting her mother behind her back. She eventually outgrew it, so she claimed, but I found that very disturbing and a big red flag.
Danda Posted December 10, 2014 Posted December 10, 2014 Nelson Mandela forgave the prison wardens who tortured him for decades. Elie Weisel forgave the guards who murdered his family and tortured him in his Nazi concentration camp. Forgiving someone has more to do with you than the person who wronged you (or you feel wronged you). That is your perception, to which you have a right, and I can respect differing perceptions. But can you respect someone else's, as well? My biological father was extremely sadistic and abusive. I think the greatest wrong he ever committed in my eyes was in abusing my little brother, whom I love more than anyone else in the world. I will never forgive him for that. My father never showed any remorse at all, on top of it. My father is currently living in a car somewhere with alcohol dementia and I couldn't give a **** less. I don't appreciate it when people accuse me of having "daddy issues" or imply that I am a 'bad' person, because I'm not rushing to the rescue or speaking gentle words for a man who tortured his own helpless children. If you have never been through it yourself then please try to have a little empathy and understanding. Forgiveness is not a choice, as many mistakenly seem to assume. Sometimes you can forgive, sometimes you can't. Every situation is unique and complex. My inability to forgive my biological father is indeed mostly about me, but that doesn't mean it's a "red flag" or something. I am unable to forgive anyone who is cruel to those I love deeply, such as my younger brother. I don't apologize for that in the least.
Redhead14 Posted December 10, 2014 Posted December 10, 2014 Last week-end I went out on a second date with a divorced man in his 40's. He has good job (been employed at same co. for about 20 yrs.) and he has a daughter whom I can tell he cares about. On our date I asked him just a casual question about his mother (who is deceased) and he said "I had no use for her". I didn't ask or say anything more about his mother, and the rest of the date went well. To me, this is not a good sign, the reference he made about his mother. I don't like it when people don't have respect for their parents. What do you folks think? We have tentative plans to go out on Sat., but I am not sure. Would his comment about his mother turn you off and what would you do if you were in my shoes? Thanks for your advice. Perhaps she had no use for him. You would need to explore (discretely) his family history. You don't know enough to be questioning this yet. If he has a history of a bad relationship with his mother, you need to know why? Was she an alcoholic, abusive, etc. If you are wondering if he is disrepectful towards women, you just need to observe him for a bit. See how he treats you, how he talks to the waitress, how he treats other people. Does he put down women? It's a matter of time. I'd go out with him and enjoy a few more dates and observe carefully. You could casually converse about your family history first, etc. and see how/if he responds. If he completely avoids it, there may be something there that he's struggling with, but it doesn't necessarily mean he's not dealing with it well otherwise. It's too soon right now for him to share those kinds of details though. If you like him, give it a little time.
angel.eyes Posted December 10, 2014 Posted December 10, 2014 (edited) You don't know the details about how his relationship with his mother was. As other posters mentioned, she could have been an angry drunk, completely selfish, abusive, etc.. You've should of asked further questions, such as after he mentioned he had no use for her, just simply asking in what way did he not have any use for her, and why. Whenever I date a woman, I pay attention to her comments about her family members, and I always ask questions, to try to figure out if the woman had to suffer an abusive or selfish parent or the woman actually was disrespectful to her parent(s). For example, I had been on a date with a woman that mentioned her mother wasn't there for her when she was growing up. I prodded and learned that her mother was neglectful. This caused the woman to have intimacy issues, which wasn't her fault, but she wasn't right for me due to her lack of emotion and affection. Another woman I dated told me her father neglected her, and her mother would protect her when the family would get into us-versus-them type of situations. Her father and brothers versus her and her mother. But her brother hated her mother, so in order to bond with him, she would join in on disrespecting her mother behind her back. She eventually outgrew it, so she claimed, but I found that very disturbing and a big red flag. In all these cases, it was emotional baggage and dysfunction that ultimately impacted their ability to sustain emotional intimacy and form healthy relationships...with YOU. I've seen many survive and thrive despite truly horrific experiences. It comes down to resilience, among other things. I'm happy to help friends work through their demons, but in my personal romantic relationships, I'm not seeking to play therapist or savior. I'm looking for a partner who is resilient...someone who, like me, is emotionally healthy and capable of the give and take found in any healthy relationship. That's what I bring to the table, and that's what I expect in any partner. That's why commenting about your evil mother, your abusive ex-GF who was the devil incarnate will garner my sympathy and friendship, but will kill any possibility of us ever dating. Someone else will be attracted to that person and will be eager to help fix them. We all have different red flags and deal breakers. Edited December 10, 2014 by angel.eyes
d0nnivain Posted December 10, 2014 Posted December 10, 2014 I don't like it when people don't have respect for their parents. What do you folks think? We have tentative plans to go out on Sat., but I am not sure. Would his comment about his mother turn you off and what would you do if you were in my shoes? If it's a deal breaker for you, it's a deal breaker for you. What difference does it make if it wouldn't be a deal breaker for me? While I agree that you are judging pre-maturely because you don't know the whole story, even if you agree that she was bad mother, if it still sticks in your craw that he didn't forgive her, it's not like that feeling is going to go away.
Recommended Posts