KindlyUnspoken23 Posted December 10, 2014 Posted December 10, 2014 Last week, I bluntly asked the guy I've been seeing if he had time would what we were doing be a relationship. He said yes. When we saw each other, he asked me how it felt to hear that, and I told him I needed to hear it. He said I need to stop worrying so much & then kissed my forehead. Later that night, I got into a funk & he made me talk to him. I told him I get sad that we can't be together but I love what we're doing as long as I'm not wasting my time. He said he's in this for the long run, and I need to relax. He told me my worrying is just wasting my time because he cares about me, adores me, etc. [side Note: I saw on his phone that he has the Tindr app, though I didn't ask him about it. And, whenever he adds a new girl on Facebook my insecurities go through the roof because I don't know what it means.] After a few days of not talking I texted him yesterday. He told me he was having a rough week as well, but it was nothing I could help with. I said "well, I hope it gets better & we can chat soon" he said "me too." I asked him if it had anything to do with me and he said No, and that I needed to stop thinking bad. He said it gets aggrivating to see me constantly worry about things he's told me numerous times not to. I validated that by saying he has never given me a reason not to trust a word out of his mouth, and he said "exactly, so stop it"...and I didn't respond from there. My question is, should I be suspicious that he's telling me not to worry? I'm not used to the notion that I could've found an amazing guy who actually hasn't lied to me or betrayed my trust.
Chemist Posted December 10, 2014 Posted December 10, 2014 Last week, I bluntly asked the guy I've been seeing if he had time would what we were doing be a relationship. He said yes. When we saw each other, he asked me how it felt to hear that, and I told him I needed to hear it. He said I need to stop worrying so much & then kissed my forehead. Later that night, I got into a funk & he made me talk to him. I told him I get sad that we can't be together but I love what we're doing as long as I'm not wasting my time. He said he's in this for the long run, and I need to relax. He told me my worrying is just wasting my time because he cares about me, adores me, etc. [side Note: I saw on his phone that he has the Tindr app, though I didn't ask him about it. And, whenever he adds a new girl on Facebook my insecurities go through the roof because I don't know what it means.] After a few days of not talking I texted him yesterday. He told me he was having a rough week as well, but it was nothing I could help with. I said "well, I hope it gets better & we can chat soon" he said "me too." I asked him if it had anything to do with me and he said No, and that I needed to stop thinking bad. He said it gets aggrivating to see me constantly worry about things he's told me numerous times not to. I validated that by saying he has never given me a reason not to trust a word out of his mouth, and he said "exactly, so stop it"...and I didn't respond from there. My question is, should I be suspicious that he's telling me not to worry? I'm not used to the notion that I could've found an amazing guy who actually hasn't lied to me or betrayed my trust. Yes, when people tell you not to worry, usually you should.
Danda Posted December 10, 2014 Posted December 10, 2014 Eh I think it's iffy. It really could be that your constant insecurity issues and fretting are on a level that is genuinely annoying, like he constantly has to do repair work when he hasn't done anything wrong. But it could also be that he's playing you hard, your gut instincts are spot on and he's trying to keep you in the game for as long as he can. There is really no sure way to tell any better than you would be able to, given you are the one in the situation. What stands out to me is that when he reassures you, it's very vague. So he adores you, cares about you, wants to be with, blah blah and whatever. But what is the actual plan here? What specifically about your situations needs to change before you two can be an official couple? The lack of specifics is what would have me suspicious, not his reassurance all on its own. In other words it's not the presence of reassurance that I see as a bad sign, but rather the lack of specifics. I'm of the impression that if someone is serious about you, then they will want you off the market. You seem to want him off the market, but he's not showing any signs that he wants you off the market. 3
clia Posted December 10, 2014 Posted December 10, 2014 Last week, I bluntly asked the guy I've been seeing if he had time would what we were doing be a relationship. He said yes. When we saw each other, he asked me how it felt to hear that, and I told him I needed to hear it. He said I need to stop worrying so much & then kissed my forehead. Later that night, I got into a funk & he made me talk to him. I told him I get sad that we can't be together but I love what we're doing as long as I'm not wasting my time. He said he's in this for the long run, and I need to relax. He told me my worrying is just wasting my time because he cares about me, adores me, etc. So you're dating a guy who has told you explicitly that he doesn't want a relationship with you? Yes, you should worry.
doeblin Posted December 10, 2014 Posted December 10, 2014 Yes, when people tell you not to worry, usually you should. So what should he tell her when she constantly pesters him with her paranoia? OP, I'm not saying you're wrong, but I think we need more details. You're "kinda seeing each other" or are you in a genuine exclusive relationship? How often do you see each other on a normal week? What can you tell us about his personality? etc. etc. Insecurity and neediness are unattractive traits. 1
PegNosePete Posted December 10, 2014 Posted December 10, 2014 No, it sounds as though you're highly insecure and are causing him a lot of frustration, by constantly seeking validation and reassurance. You're putting him in a LOSE-LOSE situation here. He can't win. If he doesn't reassure you, you're going to assume he's up to bad things. And if he does, you take that as a bad sign, that he's telling you not to worry is causing you to worry. So what would make you happy here?! 2
Chemist Posted December 10, 2014 Posted December 10, 2014 So what should he tell her when she constantly pesters him with her paranoia? OP, I'm not saying you're wrong, but I think we need more details. You're "kinda seeing each other" or are you in a genuine exclusive relationship? How often do you see each other on a normal week? What can you tell us about his personality? etc. etc. Insecurity and neediness are unattractive traits. Note the sarcasm. 1
Gaeta Posted December 10, 2014 Posted December 10, 2014 Last week, I bluntly asked the guy I've been seeing if he had time would what we were doing be a relationship. He said yes. I don't have time for a relationship is a bogus excuse. He said I need to stop worrying so much & then kissed my forehead. The gesture of kissing you on the forehead is like him patting you on the head. He does not see you as his equal, he is also avoiding looking in your eyes during an intimate moment. It's a deceiving gesture. He is lying to you. Later that night, I got into a funk & he made me talk to him. I told him I get sad that we can't be together but I love what we're doing as long as I'm not wasting my time. He said he's in this for the long run, and I need to relax. He told me my worrying is just wasting my time because he cares about me, adores me, etc. When I adore a man I don't browse dating websites. he has never given me a reason not to trust a word out of his mouth Tinder? adding new women on fb from tinder? It does not matter what a man says, it's what he does that you need to observe. My question is, should I be suspicious that he's telling me not to worry? I'm not used to the notion that I could've found an amazing guy who actually hasn't lied to me or betrayed my trust. You don't trust him. And you don't trust him because you are insecure like some will say, you don't trust him and feel insecure because of him being on a dating site and adding new females to his FB all the while he says he sees you long term. His words don't match his actions. Your instinct is warning you. Listen. 6
doeblin Posted December 10, 2014 Posted December 10, 2014 Okay, now that I thought about it, for some reason i didn't comprehend the OP's first sentence. Gaeta is right: I don't have time for a relationship is a bogus excuse. He's just not that into you.
Redhead14 Posted December 10, 2014 Posted December 10, 2014 Last week, I bluntly asked the guy I've been seeing if he had time would what we were doing be a relationship. He said yes. When we saw each other, he asked me how it felt to hear that, and I told him I needed to hear it. He said I need to stop worrying so much & then kissed my forehead. Later that night, I got into a funk & he made me talk to him. I told him I get sad that we can't be together but I love what we're doing as long as I'm not wasting my time. He said he's in this for the long run, and I need to relax. He told me my worrying is just wasting my time because he cares about me, adores me, etc. [side Note: I saw on his phone that he has the Tindr app, though I didn't ask him about it. And, whenever he adds a new girl on Facebook my insecurities go through the roof because I don't know what it means.] After a few days of not talking I texted him yesterday. He told me he was having a rough week as well, but it was nothing I could help with. I said "well, I hope it gets better & we can chat soon" he said "me too." I asked him if it had anything to do with me and he said No, and that I needed to stop thinking bad. He said it gets aggrivating to see me constantly worry about things he's told me numerous times not to. I validated that by saying he has never given me a reason not to trust a word out of his mouth, and he said "exactly, so stop it"...and I didn't respond from there. My question is, should I be suspicious that he's telling me not to worry? I'm not used to the notion that I could've found an amazing guy who actually hasn't lied to me or betrayed my trust. How does he treat you in general. Men show that they care/love/appreciate their girlfriends/SO rather than say it. Does he keep in touch otherwise when you are apart? Is he consistent? If he generally keeps in touch once a week and is consistent with that, then I wouldn't worry about the times in between when you don't see each other. He said he's been busy, believe him. You two still have separate lives, you should live yours and he's living his. For now, I'd leave it alone for a while. I wouldn't contact him first (unless there is something signficant you need to tell/share with him). Otherwise, wait for him to contact you. You can send a light text in the evening to say goodnight with a kiss or something, but otherwise, leave it alone for a while. It puts additional strain on him worrying about how to balance what he's dealing and thinking he has to manage your expectations/wants/desires right now. If he calls you now, you can ask how long he expects to be dealing with whatever he's got going on so that you can make plans for yourself and not wondering if you need to keep a day or time open for him. But do this very casually . . . say something like "hey, I wanna make a plan to do X but if you think we may be getting together, I'll plan around that, he'd be a priority in your planning., 1
mercuryshadow Posted December 10, 2014 Posted December 10, 2014 No excuse at this point is valid. I read your previous thread. His issues or whatever circumstance he conjured up to cover his ass are totally bogus. If he has time to play around and add girls on Facebook or peruse Tinder and puts some amount of opportunistic effort into maintaining a physical relationship with you, then he certainly has time for a real relationship, he just doesn't want one. Hell, there are "real couples" who only get to see each other a few days out of each month or even LESS than that, due to work circumstances or simply residential distance...but they make it work. Please understand that your anxiety will not just magically disappear just because you want it to. Your heart and mind are both telling you something is wrong, so until you make self-respecting changes in regards to this situation, you are not going to feel at peace. 5
Author KindlyUnspoken23 Posted December 12, 2014 Author Posted December 12, 2014 So what should he tell her when she constantly pesters him with her paranoia? OP, I'm not saying you're wrong, but I think we need more details. You're "kinda seeing each other" or are you in a genuine exclusive relationship? How often do you see each other on a normal week? What can you tell us about his personality? etc. etc. Insecurity and neediness are unattractive traits. We see each other usually once a week, sometimes we skip a week. It's usually me going to his house because our schedules are the complete opposite and that's just how it works. He told me he can't say we're exclusive or call me his girlfriend bc he can't give me what I need. I personally think that because of his job situation right now, we can't really go out on dates & I tease him about it, but I think he thinks I resent him for it. I love hanging out at his house, and with his aunt & uncle and we have a great time, but I do wish we could do more. Also, I wish he could tell me I'm the only one for him...even if he doesn't call me his girlfriend. His personality is pretty standard. He's very laidback. He works at a restaurant and he takes care of his 107 year old step-grandmother. He's always tired, so he's usually sleeping a lot. He's a recovering alcoholic so he doesn't drink. He lost his mom almost 9 years ago now, so he tells me he reflects a lot and talks to her. I know he has a social life, and that's fine, but I feel like he can make time for me and just doesn't. When I give him the out to end things, he doesn't do that either. Last night he texted me first, which is usually rare. I made a joke about how his bed prob sucks without me, and he said back to "keep dreaming" and told me he gets to roll around and have the whole bed to himself. I think he was joking, but it still wasn't cool. I'm at the point where I want to have hope and faith in him, I do. But, I don't know how long I can do this.
doeblin Posted December 12, 2014 Posted December 12, 2014 He told me he can't say we're exclusive or call me his girlfriend bc he can't give me what I need. Well, he did tell you what's what. My impression is: he strings you along till he finds a better option. Maybe you should look around for a better option too.
d0nnivain Posted December 12, 2014 Posted December 12, 2014 I know he has a social life, and that's fine, but I feel like he can make time for me and just doesn't. When I give him the out to end things, he doesn't do that either. There's your answer. He's Just Not That Into You. Seriously, read the book of that same title. While it's pop psychology, you need to hear some of it's tenants. Secondly, why are you giving him all the power? If your needs aren't being met, walk. Do not beg him to end it. Why would he? He gets sex when you come to his house & your current action in sticking around say you are willing to put up with the fact that he doesn't treat you well. 1
RebelWithoutACause Posted December 12, 2014 Posted December 12, 2014 When I give him the out to end things, he doesn't do that either. He doesn't end things because he's getting something out of it (occasional company, occasional sex, whatever) without any effort on his part. He won't end an arrangement which is convenient for him, *you* need to end it because *you* are not happy. Unless you want to stay in a situation which is making you unhappy, paranoid, needy, insecure, etc. If this is what you want you're perfectly entitled to stay in it.
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