TrustedthenBusted Posted December 10, 2014 Posted December 10, 2014 I'm sure this has been asked before, but I was thinking about D-Day the other day and all of the insane things my wife said that night. Clearly she was not in a good frame of mind that night, so I eventually learned to accept those statements as what they were. Panicked bull****. Anyway, some months later I asked her how she'd feel if it were all reversed. I asked her to really play it out in her mind and let me know how she'd feel if I was the one who was sneaking off and lying. At first, she justified her actions by saying " well, I always assumed that something happened on one of your "boys trips." but eventually she accepted that this was on her, not me. Anyway, she finally got to the point where she said she would be devastated to learn that I had been unfaithful. I think it was a hard thing to say, because it is to admit that what she did may have been devastating to me. But I wonder... did she REALLY reverse it all in her mind, or did she finally just say the right thing. So I ask honestly....as a wayward spouse... can you truly sit quietly and imagine what it must feel like to snoop in your spouse's email and find sexy messages, pictures, plans, compliments, and of course, insults about you? Did any of you really go through that exercise to understand just what it is your partner is dealing with? The common theme seems to be that you just want to forget all that stuff and move on... and I don't blame you. I would too. But did anyone really do the reflection I'm talking about? Would be interested to hear what that was like.
thirtysomethingteen Posted December 10, 2014 Posted December 10, 2014 Well thankfully I saw the light before I became a WS so I can't completely answer from that perspective... But one of the most hurtful things about my H's cheating was all the gaslighting he did. In his mind he was protecting himself (from being caught) and protecting our relationship, but in the process he made me feel like I was crazy, jealous and insane, and it completely eroded my self esteem. I'm not sure he ever completely got that until the OM came into the picture and his gut starting screaming to him that something wasn't right. He questioned me and I gaslighted him in kind on more than one occasion. I would smirk at him and tell him he was crazy, jealous and delusional. I admit at the time I got a great deal of satisfaction from leaving him twisting in the wind, certain that I wasn't being truthful but unable to prove it. I couldn't keep it up long though, because I know how painful it is, so I told him the truth. Even while I was confirming some of his worst fears I could see the palpable relief on his face as he realized that he wasn't crazy after all. Now I think he finally understands how cruel gaslighting is. Unfortunately sometimes people have to live something before they really get it.
katielee Posted December 10, 2014 Posted December 10, 2014 Did any of you really go through that exercise to understand just what it is your partner is dealing with? . Well, I actually LIVED it so I can tell you how it feels - horrible, tragic, cruel and unimaginable. So, exactly what he was feeling. I know what he's dealing with. We have handled our pain in such very different ways though. I raged and raged. He did the pick me dance a little and then used his anger to justify two affairs.
katielee Posted December 10, 2014 Posted December 10, 2014 The common theme seems to be that you just want to forget all that stuff and move on... and I don't blame you. I would too. But did anyone really do the reflection I'm talking about? Would be interested to hear what that was like. Also, I didn't want to forget and move on. I wanted to dissect every decision I made to figure out where I was broken and what needed to be fixed. I will not forget one thing. All those choices caused the betrayal of my self and my husband. And I need to occasionally go back there to see how I've changed since then.
Sofie2013 Posted December 10, 2014 Posted December 10, 2014 For me I was able to reverse it to some degree. Partly because I was in the position with my ExBH where he did cheat in me it was when we were only dating so it wasn’t exactly the same. I see what did was so much worse we were married had kids and built a life together. I feel what I put him through was 10 times worse. Just thing about breaks me. Sadly I don’t think I will ever understand just how bad I hurt him it doesn’t matter how many times I to put myself in his position. I don’t think any WS will ever be able to truly understand and comprehend just how damaging Infidelity is to a BS unless they to go through it themselves.
Sassy Girl Posted December 10, 2014 Posted December 10, 2014 I had considered him sleeping with another woman, because I asked him for an open relationship before I engaged in any affair behaviour. If roles were reversed I would be shocked. Shocked that he had the will, the inclination. He's had sex and affection thrown at him form years by an attractive wife and has not been interested... toys, experimentation, offer for threesomes... he's had the works. Never took it up. Yeah, Id be shocked. And then relieved that I could reasonably get out of this farce of a marriage.
Author TrustedthenBusted Posted December 10, 2014 Author Posted December 10, 2014 And then relieved that I could reasonably get out of this farce of a marriage. Why can't you reasonably get out now?
sunburned Posted December 10, 2014 Posted December 10, 2014 So I ask honestly....as a wayward spouse... can you truly sit quietly and imagine what it must feel like to snoop in your spouse's email and find sexy messages, pictures, plans, compliments, and of course, insults about you? Did any of you really go through that exercise to understand just what it is your partner is dealing with? I am a fWW. I did exactly what you described. It helped me end my fairly short A and remain NC for almost a year and a half now. Answering that simple question "how would you feel if it were the other way around" made me ill. My sitch was a little different than yours as I did not have a d-day.
NateGrey Posted December 10, 2014 Posted December 10, 2014 They aren't capable, because if they were they wouldn't be cheating in the first place.
NateGrey Posted December 10, 2014 Posted December 10, 2014 I had considered him sleeping with another woman, because I asked him for an open relationship before I engaged in any affair behaviour. If roles were reversed I would be shocked. Shocked that he had the will, the inclination. He's had sex and affection thrown at him form years by an attractive wife and has not been interested... toys, experimentation, offer for threesomes... he's had the works. Never took it up. Yeah, Id be shocked. And then relieved that I could reasonably get out of this farce of a marriage. After reading all this surely you jest, why would a man ever want to cheat on a woman such as you? You sound real down to earth, respectful, and loving.
Realist3 Posted December 10, 2014 Posted December 10, 2014 Waywards - Are you capable of reversing it in your mind? Nope! Granted my situation is probably different than most, but after 5 years it is a part of me.
Furious Posted December 10, 2014 Posted December 10, 2014 I'm sure this has been asked before, but I was thinking about D-Day the other day and all of the insane things my wife said that night. Clearly she was not in a good frame of mind that night, so I eventually learned to accept those statements as what they were. Panicked bull****. Anyway, some months later I asked her how she'd feel if it were all reversed. I asked her to really play it out in her mind and let me know how she'd feel if I was the one who was sneaking off and lying. At first, she justified her actions by saying " well, I always assumed that something happened on one of your "boys trips." but eventually she accepted that this was on her, not me. Anyway, she finally got to the point where she said she would be devastated to learn that I had been unfaithful. I think it was a hard thing to say, because it is to admit that what she did may have been devastating to me. But I wonder... did she REALLY reverse it all in her mind, or did she finally just say the right thing. So I ask honestly....as a wayward spouse... can you truly sit quietly and imagine what it must feel like to snoop in your spouse's email and find sexy messages, pictures, plans, compliments, and of course, insults about you? Did any of you really go through that exercise to understand just what it is your partner is dealing with? The common theme seems to be that you just want to forget all that stuff and move on... and I don't blame you. I would too. But did anyone really do the reflection I'm talking about? Would be interested to hear what that was like. It's just my observation, but there seems to be a bitterness WS's feed on for justifying an affair. I see it as a form of bitter revenge and whether consciously or subconsciously they get a high from the duplicity. I do think that some WS's are looking for someone to rescue them, they are pragmatic and won't leave a marriage without someone to go to. Some WS's have no intention to divorce, they are too attached to the monetary wealth, family and friends in their social circle but have no problem with setting up a subsidiary affair that quenches their ego. The persona in a subsidiary relationship is quite easy to maintain because it's words without action and they can present themselves in a glossy version of themselves and then be home with the spouse and kids in sweats and garlic breath and sometimes fart in bed. I doubt cheaters spend time putting themselves in their spouse's shoes, that would entail empathy. In order to cheat one must not employ empathy. 3
Selfish Posted December 10, 2014 Posted December 10, 2014 I did and can in my mind. But I will never pretend to know the depth of pain a BS feels.
Furious Posted December 11, 2014 Posted December 11, 2014 (edited) I had considered him sleeping with another woman, because I asked him for an open relationship before I engaged in any affair behaviour. If roles were reversed I would be shocked. Shocked that he had the will, the inclination. He's had sex and affection thrown at him form years by an attractive wife and has not been interested... toys, experimentation, offer for threesomes... he's had the works. Never took it up. Yeah, Id be shocked. And then relieved that I could reasonably get out of this farce of a marriage. Strange how you feel you're trapped. This is 2014, approaching 2015 and the majority of states are "no fault" and depending where you live you can be divorced within 3 months to 12 months. Also, joint custody is now the norm and that gives you free time to enjoy and explore open relationships. What's holding you back from divorce, imagine all the open relationships you can participate in, free from as you call "the farce of your marriage". What's holding you back from the breaking free, and please don't say it's about the kids, because to risk of being caught means you risk the well being of your kids. this is really about controlling the narrow narrative and it's a only a gamble you risk. So be it, your husband finds out, your kids are traumatized, and you end up divorced anyway. How's that a better solution than being a rational and empathetic human in a humane divorce than it being all about you. Edited December 11, 2014 by Furious
lovinDKT3 Posted December 11, 2014 Posted December 11, 2014 I'm sure this has been asked before, but I was thinking about D-Day the other day and all of the insane things my wife said that night. Clearly she was not in a good frame of mind that night, so I eventually learned to accept those statements as what they were. Panicked bull****. Anyway, some months later I asked her how she'd feel if it were all reversed. I asked her to really play it out in her mind and let me know how she'd feel if I was the one who was sneaking off and lying. At first, she justified her actions by saying " well, I always assumed that something happened on one of your "boys trips." but eventually she accepted that this was on her, not me. Anyway, she finally got to the point where she said she would be devastated to learn that I had been unfaithful. I think it was a hard thing to say, because it is to admit that what she did may have been devastating to me. But I wonder... did she REALLY reverse it all in her mind, or did she finally just say the right thing. So I ask honestly....as a wayward spouse... can you truly sit quietly and imagine what it must feel like to snoop in your spouse's email and find sexy messages, pictures, plans, compliments, and of course, insults about you? Did any of you really go through that exercise to understand just what it is your partner is dealing with? The common theme seems to be that you just want to forget all that stuff and move on... and I don't blame you. I would too. But did anyone really do the reflection I'm talking about? Would be interested to hear what that was like. She knew all along, to admit it means she admits she hurt you and it was totally on her. This is a hard thing to do. No one wants to be a bad person. Its easy to hide behind "well you did this...."
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