goodyblue Posted December 11, 2014 Posted December 11, 2014 (edited) An update: I confronted her last night again about the deceptions and about the importance of STD testing. While she didn't outright admit to having sex, she fell apart and apologized profusely, which was enough of an admission for me. This morning she claimed that she didn't want me to know in order to avoid hurting me more. I wound up not kicking her out because, as my discussion with aliveagain shows, I strongly believe my wife is bipolar. She became highly suicidal after our talk last night and begged me not to kick her out. I believe that, if I were to do so right now, she might very well go and kill herself. Even though I know that wouldn't be my fault, per se, it is more than I can bear to have on my conscience. So we get to schedule STD tests now and hope that this bastard OM hasn't given her/us anything as a souvenir. Even though I already knew that they had sex without her testifying to the fact, I didn't realize it would hurt this bad. I feel destroyed, like DDay all over again only with a sharper edge to the pain. I just long for the day that I can feel something aside from anger and sadness. I think if it weren't for the kids, I would have lost it long ago. I will not be taking the kids for DNA testing; that reaction is a bit over the top. There is no doubt that they are mine and this behavior has been out of character for my wife throughout our entire relationship up until now. I honestly believe that she is going through a manic episode and fell prey to an OM with narcissistic personality disorder. This in no way alleviates her guilt in this matter, but all signs point to it as a likely explanation. I have no idea what is going to happen next. If she continues to spiral into suicidal ideation and depression, I am going to be forced to call mobile crisis and see if she needs inpatient care. This is one nightmare that just goes deeper and deeper. I can't believe what my life has turned into. It's just hard to see much of anything through this haze of pain right now. I apologize if any of this seems maudlin. So, she is bipolar and that excuses her. The MM has NPD. So really she is blameless. He predator, she victim. That is you making excuses for her so that you can live with what she did. I am sorry you are in pain but this attitude helps no one. If you put your head in the sand, it does not make the monster go away. It makes it so that you can't see it as it bites into your belly. You need to wake up to what you are dealing with, sir. Good luck. Edited December 11, 2014 by goodyblue
TrustedthenBusted Posted December 11, 2014 Posted December 11, 2014 We all look for Reasons that this happened. Mental disorders soind good. Predatory OMs sound pretty good. Midlife crises sound decent. But I assure you, over time the reasons why won't matter. They won't take any pain away, make any memories fade, or change any history. I suggest you fight the natural tendency to take responsibility for this and for your wife's healing. That is a recipe for some serious future resentment. Sorry man. You sound like a good guy. Sucks to hear all this.
aliveagain Posted December 11, 2014 Posted December 11, 2014 Her affair started just 5 months after she gave birth to your youngest child. Wonder if that contributed to her behaviour? You need to have her professionally assessed, someone qualified to assess bipolar disorder and get her on the right medication otherwise she will only get worse. You need to understand that even if she has the disorder she still knows right from wrong so her decision to cheat is still a conscious choice. You still need to give her your boundaries as well as the consequence if she breaks them, you can't keep moving your line in the sand. Dirtbag predator's wife still needs to be told. Send the info by courier and specify that it can only be left with her and you will need to see a copy of her signature accepting your package. He has done this before. Where did your wife meet him, was it an adult dating site?
road Posted December 11, 2014 Posted December 11, 2014 Rule out all doubts STD and DNA tests need to be done. WW's always lie.
TrustedthenBusted Posted December 11, 2014 Posted December 11, 2014 Rule out all doubts STD and DNA tests need to be done. WW's always lie. My kids look just like me and I still had paternity tests done on both of them. Pro: They are mine, and I think I went through the tests just to be an a-hole to my wife...and it was glorious. Cons: I stared at my oldest for a week waiting for the test results wondering what would change if it turned out he wasn't mine. That was the hardest and longest week of my life because he was 8 years old, and the air in my lungs. But if he wasn't mine... I dunno.
road Posted December 11, 2014 Posted December 11, 2014 My kids look just like me and I still had paternity tests done on both of them. Pro: They are mine, and I think I went through the tests just to be an a-hole to my wife...and it was glorious. Cons: I stared at my oldest for a week waiting for the test results wondering what would change if it turned out he wasn't mine. That was the hardest and longest week of my life because he was 8 years old, and the air in my lungs. But if he wasn't mine... I dunno. You would of still wanted to be his dad. I wish I was a there to see your WW's reaction when you told your WW that you were getting a DNA test. How did your WW respond and how did she handle the waiting period for the results? Then what was WW's response upon her learning the results?
bigman1 Posted December 11, 2014 Posted December 11, 2014 (edited) I strongly believe my wife is bipolar. She became highly suicidal after our talk last night and begged me not to kick her out. I believe that, if I were to do so right now, she might very well go and kill herself. With all due respect to your situation, unless your wife has an official diagnosis, then you need to presume her to be sane and in her right mind. I have extensive experience with bipolar people and while I am not a doctor, your diagnosis seems to be a bit off. WS's will threaten suicide and other self harm. They do a lot of "crazy" stuff and say a lot of "crazy" things. Your wife's behavior and the rationality of it do not sound bi-polar to me. Perhaps you are looking for a reason to excuse her behavior. If that works for you, fine. On the other hand, if getting to the truth of the matter is important for you, then have her examined. You are not going to resolve anything with an un-diagnosed and un-treated bi-polar wife. Also, people throw around the NPD diagnosis as well. Again, until a qualified professional makes this diagnosis after doing the proper tests, those who cling to these claims are deluding themselves. Good luck, but if you think she is mentally ill, and bi-polarity is a mental illness, then get her to a doctor right away. I have over 2 decades in the legal system and I can't tell you how many times someone claimed to be mentally ill to explain away their conduct and then after being tested by a doctor of their own choosing came back without any such diagnosis. Let me also add that I am very close to 3 people who are bi-polar. Believe me when I tell you, it affects EVERY part of their lives and is evident to everyone that knows them that something was wrong and needed to be investigated and even now, it is clear when they are off their medication. I am willing to bet that your wife is not bi-polar nor NPD nor anything else. her statements as reported by you are totally out of character for someone with bi-polar disorder, in my experience. Good luck. Edited December 11, 2014 by bigman1 example 1
goodyblue Posted December 11, 2014 Posted December 11, 2014 With all due respect to your situation, unless your wife has an official diagnosis, then you need to presume her to be sane and in her right mind. I have extensive experience with bipolar people and while I am not a doctor, your diagnosis seems to be a bit off. WS's will threaten suicide and other self harm. They do a lot of "crazy" stuff and say a lot of "crazy" things. Your wife's behavior and the rationality of it do not sound bi-polar to me. Perhaps you are looking for a reason to excuse her behavior. If that works for you, fine. On the other hand, if getting to the truth of the matter is important for you, then have her examined. You are not going to resolve anything with an un-diagnosed and un-treated bi-polar wife. Also, people throw around the NPD diagnosis as well. Again, until a qualified professional makes this diagnosis after doing the proper tests, those who cling to these claims are deluding themselves. Good luck, but if you think she is mentally ill, and bi-polarity is a mental illness, then get her to a doctor right away. I have over 2 decades in the legal system and I can't tell you how many times someone claimed to be mentally ill to explain away their conduct and then after being tested by a doctor of their own choosing came back without any such diagnosis. That really bothers me. NPD is not just a selfish jerk. It goes far, far deeper. I was close to someone who I later discovered had an actual diagnosis. It was horrible and things were so twisted I felt like I was in an alternate universe. 1
NateGrey Posted December 11, 2014 Posted December 11, 2014 *shakes head* your wife did not "fall prey" to anyone. YOU have fallen prey to her and her continued lies, deceit, and manipulation. 1
oldshirt Posted December 11, 2014 Posted December 11, 2014 Her making suicidal statements or statements of harm or violence etc does not relieve you from doing what you have to do to protect yourself and what you need to do to protect your interests. that is on her and not on you. If she is making suicidal threats then she needs professional intervention and help but that does not mean that you need to allow yourself to be manipulated and walked on and it does not mean that you should stop what you need to do to take care of yourself. If she is still in contact with OM and is still not complying with your requirements for reconciliation, then you need to stop any reconciliation processes and have her leave and proceed with separation and divorce. If she threatens suicide then you contact the authorities and report her as a suicidal risk and have her be evaluated and assisted by mental health professionals that are qualified to deal with suicidal people. You are not a mental health professional and you are not qualified to evaluate and assist a suicidal person so it is not your role to deal with her suicidal gestures or to try to appease her out of the suicidal state. That is job of doctors, counselors and pychiatrists. and along with that, it is not your role to diagnose her or the OM with any kind of mental illness and it is not your role to forgive or accommodate those disorders even if they do exist. Your job is to protect yourself and protect your interests. It's kind of like the zombies on the TV show "The Walking Dead." it doesn't matter if they are are sick people that need treatment or monsters that need to be eradicated. Either way, they are dangerous and people need to protect themselves and defend themselves against them.
oldshirt Posted December 11, 2014 Posted December 11, 2014 Her making suicidal statements or statements of harm or violence etc does not relieve you from doing what you have to do to protect yourself and what you need to do to protect your interests. that is on her and not on you. If she is making suicidal threats then she needs professional intervention and help but that does not mean that you need to allow yourself to be manipulated and walked on and it does not mean that you should stop what you need to do to take care of yourself. If she is still in contact with OM and is still not complying with your requirements for reconciliation, then you need to stop any reconciliation processes and have her leave and proceed with separation and divorce. If she threatens suicide then you contact the authorities and report her as a suicidal risk and have her be evaluated and assisted by mental health professionals that are qualified to deal with suicidal people. You are not a mental health professional and you are not qualified to evaluate and assist a suicidal person so it is not your role to deal with her suicidal gestures or to try to appease her out of the suicidal state. That is job of doctors, counselors and pychiatrists. and along with that, it is not your role to diagnose her or the OM with any kind of mental illness and it is not your role to forgive or accommodate those disorders even if they do exist. Your job is to protect yourself and protect your interests. It's kind of like the zombies on the TV show "The Walking Dead." it doesn't matter if they are are sick people that need treatment or monsters that need to be eradicated. Either way, they are dangerous and people need to protect themselves and defend themselves against them. ......in other words it doesn't matter if either or both of them have mental disorders or not, they are still fcking you over and manipulating and mistreating you. You are obligated to protect and defend yourself and your interests against them and are obligated to do what you have to do for yourself regardless of whether they have mental conditions or are just A-holes. 1
lolablue17 Posted December 11, 2014 Posted December 11, 2014 While she didn't outright admit to having sex, she fell apart and apologized profusely, which was enough of an admission for me. This morning she claimed that she didn't want me to know in order to avoid hurting me more. The problem with trickle truth is that you never know when it ends. She lied about what happened in order to avoid hurting you more. So now she still doesn't want you to get hurt, and still lying. It will never end. 1
whichwayisup Posted December 12, 2014 Posted December 12, 2014 (edited) I wound up not kicking her out because, as my discussion with aliveagain shows, I strongly believe my wife is bipolar. She became highly suicidal after our talk last night and begged me not to kick her out. I believe that, if I were to do so right now, she might very well go and kill herself. Even though I know that wouldn't be my fault, per se, it is more than I can bear to have on my conscience. So we get to schedule STD tests now and hope that this bastard OM hasn't given her/us anything as a souvenir. You need to get her assessed NOW before she does something. She messed up badly, she knows it and won't tell you the whole truth because she's afraid. Afraid of facing what she's done, afraid of losing you and everything in her life, she's afraid of being alone. All this has pushed her over the edge and while she can threaten suicide or any other kind of self harm that IS the sign to get her to the hospital asap. Fix herself now, get on meds and then go from there. Unfortunately for you, as awful as she's feeling right now, she used this as a manipulation tactic to make sure you didn't kick her out. My suggestion is, if possible once (if you do get her assessed in the hospital) when she comes out for to her to stay with her parents for a while. The mental state she's in is not good for your kids. They shouldn't see her like this if she is that close to the edge. Edited December 12, 2014 by whichwayisup 1
NateGrey Posted December 12, 2014 Posted December 12, 2014 Her being bipolar is irrelevant when it comes to reasons you should stay in a relationship with her. If being bipolar caused her to cheat then you still need to dump her. Otherwise she can use that as an excuse anytime she wants now. So yeah, it sucks if she is bipolar and she needs treatment, but you also need to get out of this relationship.
Author duckrabbit Posted December 14, 2014 Author Posted December 14, 2014 Hello again. Thanks for all the responses and for the concern. I won't say that things are better, but there are glimpses that they might get that way. I did meet with an attorney to find out my options should things proceed down that path; however, this is still not the desired outcome. I know that many of you will think me foolish for continuing to proceed with this relationship, but I am not willing to dismiss a ten year relationship based on this mess, not yet anyway. Her depression is worsening and this is my main concern right now. If she becomes too unbalanced and I consider her a threat to herself or the kids, I will have her hospitalized. I have already discussed this with suicide prevention and have a plan in place. I would ask of you, readers, that you do not try and assume things about my situation or my own self reliance when it comes to assessing her mental state. I am not listing every sordid detail on this website and I would appreciate it if you would kindly take that to heart when responding and commenting. This all being said, thanks again. Knowing that my words are not falling on deaf ears definitely makes this a little easier. Next week should bring MC and STD tests. Good times!
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