Author duckrabbit Posted December 10, 2014 Author Posted December 10, 2014 Exactly, TrustedthenBusted. She probably won't call me. If she does, I will tell her everything but that is out of my control. He might be squirming, but he has an overinflated sense of how safe and smart he is.
aliveagain Posted December 10, 2014 Posted December 10, 2014 The plot thickens: I tried calling OM's wife a short time ago and left a message with her secretary at work. Instead OM himself calls me up, tries to downplay the whole thing and offers some false apologies for any problems it might have caused. Very rehearsed; would have come off as smooth had I now known the complete opposite. I told him that he was a really bad liar, that I had proof of every last thing that happened over the last few months and that his wife deserves to know that he is an unfaithful bastards. He insists that it wasn't cheating but just harmless flirting to which I told him to look up the definition of infidelity and then get back to me. Interesting times! My wife called me a little while after and told me she was proud of how I handled it. Now I am totally not sure of whether I should show her the door later for being the one to initiate contact with him today. For those who asked, my kids are 6, 5 & ten months. So many things to consider... Send a registered letter addressed to her, to her home or to her business, she has to sign for it. Than you know she got the information. The O/M is sweating, he knows that he could be living in an old fridge carton behind a Chinese restaurant soon, fighting the cats and seagulls for a meal, POS. 1
Author duckrabbit Posted December 10, 2014 Author Posted December 10, 2014 I still can't make her open the letter or read/believe what is inside. On the other hand, I am proud of my wife for telling me when he texted her about how I called his wife and I am proud of her for not texting him back. 1
jm2013 Posted December 10, 2014 Posted December 10, 2014 I still can't make her open the letter or read/believe what is inside. On the other hand, I am proud of my wife for telling me when he texted her about how I called his wife and I am proud of her for not texting him back. Don't let this deceive you. Please proceed with caution. You'd be surprised how far people will go to keep things underground. They could now be using a burner phone, fake accounts or using work for communication. 2
Author duckrabbit Posted December 10, 2014 Author Posted December 10, 2014 Thanks, jm2013. I understand what you are saying and, believe me, any optimism I may have is quite cautious. My eyes and ears are always open.
whichwayisup Posted December 10, 2014 Posted December 10, 2014 The chat logs only go back to the beginning of October. They only met in July and she has sworn that nothing started until October. I haven't had her test for STDs yet, though I probably should considering she hasn't fully confessed to sex, just making out and touching. It is hard for me to believe that there was only that level of interaction involved given the intensity of their other communications. She already has a private therapist and I am hoping we can start MC next week. Tell her that you're in the process of being tested for STD's and if the results show something, she better tell all now if there's a chance you could have caught something from her. Scare her. Watch her reaction. She needs to use the same counselor, both individual and marriage counseling.
spanz1 Posted December 10, 2014 Posted December 10, 2014 I think this says it all. Actions speak louder than words after all. . I agree totally. If she SAYS she agrees to NC, then if she contacts the pos...that means the relationship is ongoing. Nothing more she says is to be believed. and therefore, there will be no reconciliation. It is clearly the fog not having worn off yet, and she had some overwhelming, uncontrollable urge to text him. I get it. But why should YOU have to put up with it! I personally do not see much difference between a WS breaking NC, and them posting a new profile on AM. it means that part of the brain that enjoys cheating is being stimulated again.
drifter777 Posted December 10, 2014 Posted December 10, 2014 Thanks, jm2013. I understand what you are saying and, believe me, any optimism I may have is quite cautious. My eyes and ears are always open. While I understand where you are emotionally, this is still very sad to me. It is typical for the betrayed husband to run straight into denial on d-day. You don't want to believe that they actually had sex. You don't want to believe that she enjoyed having sex with him - that it was exciting and dangerous and, because of that, it was great! And the saddest part of it is you don't want to believe that her lying & cheating will have the horribly negative effect on your marriage that you always feared it would. That somehow you can excuse all of this and compartmentalize it and that time will heal you. You are still way too deep into denial to actually take any of the advice you are getting from experienced BH's on here. Please keep posting and reading because, eventually, it will begin to sink in. You just entered hell, and it's going to get a lot worse. Prepare for the worst and get yourself to a counselor. 1
Author duckrabbit Posted December 10, 2014 Author Posted December 10, 2014 Thanks again for the help here. I don't think that I am as deep into denial as it may seem. There is definitely a degree of it as I don't want to believe all the things that I know now about my spouse. My head is becoming clearer every day and I am trying to formulate a plan that will be easiest on the kids and on both of us. Although I understand that it may be best to toss her out tonight due to breaking the NC rule, part of me thinks that may be too dramatic a change for the household situation and could provoke a loud fight that would upset the kids. We don't have family nearby so alleviating what the kids are exposed to is a little more difficult. This being said, I know that I need to come to some definite action soon. I put in a call to a lawyer for a free consultation so I can get my legal bearings ready. There has been no more communication between the two that I can trace today so that is good. When we talk tonight I will bring up the STD testing and try to get at the truth of the physicality that happened. All the kids are home now so I'm not sure I will have an update until tomorrow or late tonight. On the topic of sex versus emotions: for me, I would have preferred to see simple detached sex in this case. Reading through the chat logs, though, I can see that she confided in him with some of her unhappiness with our own sex life and other things. When texting him today she said that she is going to assume that the connection and feelings were hers alone. This makes this infinitely more complicated for me. I know she has been incredibly distant these last few months, but I didn't realize just how far off she had gone. This complete emotional distancing, coupled with the sexual nature of the thing and the fact that I cannot trust much of what she says or does right now, is the hardest part. Thank you all for the support. It is good to know that I can count on you folks for advice and to share your own stories. I'll be reading tonight, but probably not participating much. 2
NateGrey Posted December 10, 2014 Posted December 10, 2014 (edited) This is pretty cut and dry. You told her she was to give you access to her emails, etc. She did not do this right away, she changed her passwords. This means that her then giving you the passwords is an utterly meaningless act, she had time to clean up the evidence. You told her what needed to be done to fix things and she failed, there should be no further discussion: she is out. You also told her no more contact, which she also broke. Not much you can do now but divorce her. You can't trust her or believe anything she says. She should of complied with your instructions and she did not, so that is all she wrote. She needs to be out. There is nothing else to say or do. You gave her a chance to fix this, you shouldn't of, but you did. She failed, end of story. Cut your losses now, go find someone who respects both you and themselves. It doesn't matter what she does from this point on, she could be the most amazing wife ever. She could turn into a Stepford Wife for all it matters. She did not do what you told her to do when you told her to do it, and that says it all. Edited December 10, 2014 by NateGrey
Realist3 Posted December 10, 2014 Posted December 10, 2014 On the topic of sex versus emotions: for me, I would have preferred to see simple detached sex in this case. Reading through the chat logs, though, I can see that she confided in him with some of her unhappiness with our own sex life and other things. When texting him today she said that she is going to assume that the connection and feelings were hers alone. This makes this infinitely more complicated for me. It is indeed more complicated because she has given her heart to him. 2
oldshirt Posted December 10, 2014 Posted December 10, 2014 Exactly, TrustedthenBusted. She probably won't call me. If she does, I will tell her everything but that is out of my control. He might be squirming, but he has an overinflated sense of how safe and smart he is. Make copies of all of their chat logs and phone/txt records and the times and places of their meetings etc that you know about and then hire a process server to hand deliver it to her when he won't be around to intervene. It will be worth the $$ spent on the server.
RightThere Posted December 10, 2014 Posted December 10, 2014 It is indeed more complicated because she has given her heart to him. So much so. My WW had multiple affairs. It was the last one where she made the emotional connection that has done the most damage to us and her. Women surprisingly have a good ability to detach themselves if it's "just sex." But once the mind goes along with the sex in an affair, it's like drug they cannot do without. 1
NateGrey Posted December 10, 2014 Posted December 10, 2014 Women surprisingly have a good ability to detach themselves if it's "just sex." This is true and actually somewhat disturbing if you think about it. There is just an utter coldness to it. In some ways, a woman being so unemotional about it would disturb me more then anything else. It's also scary because that is how they sometimes justify not telling, since hey, it is "just sex".
RightThere Posted December 10, 2014 Posted December 10, 2014 This is true and actually somewhat disturbing if you think about it. There is just an utter coldness to it. In some ways, a woman being so unemotional about it would disturb me more then anything else. It's also scary because that is how they sometimes justify not telling, since hey, it is "just sex". If you want a really disturbing read, "A Women's Infidelity" is a two book series you can get online. The author's credentials are fairly suspect, but her perspectives on women's infidelity are pretty shocking and surprisingly on point. Some feel it comes off as making excuses for women, but it really points out the fact that expectations of both women and men going into relationships cause a lot of the issues that tear marriages down. And a woman's ability to not only cheat on her husband, but do it with cunning and coldness is really shocking. It was literally like reading my own memoir on the sequence of events.
drifter777 Posted December 10, 2014 Posted December 10, 2014 Thanks again for the help here. I don't think that I am as deep into denial as it may seem. There is definitely a degree of it as I don't want to believe all the things that I know now about my spouse. My head is becoming clearer every day and I am trying to formulate a plan that will be easiest on the kids and on both of us. Not "believing" when you know that it is true she cheated - she acknowledged it - is not denial, it's not rational. I understand you know what she did is real, the denial is that you won't look at or appreciate the true effect of her cheating. How much it will damage you, your family, your marriage. Its normal, and you probably don't even understand what I'm saying. That's part of the denial, too.
RightThere Posted December 10, 2014 Posted December 10, 2014 Not "believing" when you know that it is true she cheated - she acknowledged it - is not denial, it's not rational. I understand you know what she did is real, the denial is that you won't look at or appreciate the true effect of her cheating. How much it will damage you, your family, your marriage. Its normal, and you probably don't even understand what I'm saying. That's part of the denial, too. Right on point. Early on, you'll be able to accept that your wife cheated on you. But the reality of it doesn't set in for a while. Not only did she sleep with someone else, she kissed him. She was riding him in a sweaty bed, thinking how great he felt and how wet she was getting from it. She orgasmed from it. All this acts you've seen in a porno, she did with her OM. Those mental images will make it real. That's when the real damage from it will set in. And that is likely what she'll try and sluff off as "it was just sex." But is wasn't just sex. It was affair sex. There is nothing hotter, more forbidden, raunchier, or fantasy driven than affair sex. And you need to know that no sex you will EVER have with your wife going forward will be better than that. 1
TrustedthenBusted Posted December 11, 2014 Posted December 11, 2014 Right on point. Early on, you'll be able to accept that your wife cheated on you. But the reality of it doesn't set in for a while. Not only did she sleep with someone else, she kissed him. She was riding him in a sweaty bed, thinking how great he felt and how wet she was getting from it. She orgasmed from it. All this acts you've seen in a porno, she did with her OM. Those mental images will make it real. That's when the real damage from it will set in. And that is likely what she'll try and sluff off as "it was just sex." But is wasn't just sex. It was affair sex. There is nothing hotter, more forbidden, raunchier, or fantasy driven than affair sex. And you need to know that no sex you will EVER have with your wife going forward will be better than that. whoa there... this isn't always the case.
RightThere Posted December 11, 2014 Posted December 11, 2014 whoa there... this isn't always the case. I stand by my broad generalization over all situations. Past, present and future. 1
Realist3 Posted December 11, 2014 Posted December 11, 2014 Right on point. Early on, you'll be able to accept that your wife cheated on you. But the reality of it doesn't set in for a while. Not only did she sleep with someone else, she kissed him. She was riding him in a sweaty bed, thinking how great he felt and how wet she was getting from it. She orgasmed from it. All this acts you've seen in a porno, she did with her OM. Those mental images will make it real. That's when the real damage from it will set in. And that is likely what she'll try and sluff off as "it was just sex." But is wasn't just sex. It was affair sex. There is nothing hotter, more forbidden, raunchier, or fantasy driven than affair sex. And you need to know that no sex you will EVER have with your wife going forward will be better than that. I almost got an orgasm from read that. 1
aliveagain Posted December 11, 2014 Posted December 11, 2014 Thanks again for the help here. I don't think that I am as deep into denial as it may seem. There is definitely a degree of it as I don't want to believe all the things that I know now about my spouse. My head is becoming clearer every day and I am trying to formulate a plan that will be easiest on the kids and on both of us. Although I understand that it may be best to toss her out tonight due to breaking the NC rule, part of me thinks that may be too dramatic a change for the household situation and could provoke a loud fight that would upset the kids. We don't have family nearby so alleviating what the kids are exposed to is a little more difficult. This being said, I know that I need to come to some definite action soon. I put in a call to a lawyer for a free consultation so I can get my legal bearings ready. There has been no more communication between the two that I can trace today so that is good. When we talk tonight I will bring up the STD testing and try to get at the truth of the physicality that happened. All the kids are home now so I'm not sure I will have an update until tomorrow or late tonight. On the topic of sex versus emotions: for me, I would have preferred to see simple detached sex in this case. Reading through the chat logs, though, I can see that she confided in him with some of her unhappiness with our own sex life and other things. When texting him today she said that she is going to assume that the connection and feelings were hers alone. This makes this infinitely more complicated for me. I know she has been incredibly distant these last few months, but I didn't realize just how far off she had gone. This complete emotional distancing, coupled with the sexual nature of the thing and the fact that I cannot trust much of what she says or does right now, is the hardest part. Thank you all for the support. It is good to know that I can count on you folks for advice and to share your own stories. I'll be reading tonight, but probably not participating much. I think you are about to see her confusion resulting from the new reality she finds herself in. She fell in love with a knight in shining armor who turned out to be nothing more than a predator looking for someone to layover with when he's in town on business. He already has a hotel room and all he needs is someone like your wife to come and meet him. This way he doesn't have to hide the cost of a escort from his company or wife.This is very unlikely his first rodeo, there may be other women he has similar arrangements with in other cities he travels to. More reason for STD testing. She is probably feeling ashamed for risking you and your three children just to find out she's nothing but another notch in his belt. Who knows how much of what he told her is true, maybe they were just words he used to get what he wanted from her. Your wife wouldn't be the first woman to find that the private photo's and video's she shared of herself were posted on amateur internet sites, happens all the time. Not that you want to hear this but she is going through a break up, she just had her heart broken and at the same time she has distanced herself from you and knows that if the two of you can't reconnect your over. She is pretty scarred right now as to what her future will be. She bet on the wrong horse. 1
Buckeye2 Posted December 11, 2014 Posted December 11, 2014 (edited) For those who asked, my kids are 6, 5 & ten months. DNA your kids. You’re not testing them; you’re testing your wife. At their age they will not know what you’re doing. You can choose not to tell anyone or you can tell your wife to show her how her behavior has shaken the foundation of your marriage. Buy a kit at WalMart, Amazon or about any drug store for $30. Use a Q-tip to swab the inside of your cheek and the kid’s. Send the kit to a lab with $130 more. Edited December 11, 2014 by Buckeye2
Chi townD Posted December 11, 2014 Posted December 11, 2014 Notify the OMW again. She doesn't know. The OM intercepted your call and your number is in the trash can. I suggest you get their home address and send a certified letter. A letter that she, personally, has to sign for. Tell her who you are and what happened with your cell number. Then, also include a copy of SOME of the texts as your proof. You can inform her that you have more if she requires it. You could send it to her work, But if she has an administrative assistant, they could possibly sign on their behalf and the husband has a chance to intercept it.
Author duckrabbit Posted December 11, 2014 Author Posted December 11, 2014 (edited) An update: I confronted her last night again about the deceptions and about the importance of STD testing. While she didn't outright admit to having sex, she fell apart and apologized profusely, which was enough of an admission for me. This morning she claimed that she didn't want me to know in order to avoid hurting me more. I wound up not kicking her out because, as my discussion with aliveagain shows, I strongly believe my wife is bipolar. She became highly suicidal after our talk last night and begged me not to kick her out. I believe that, if I were to do so right now, she might very well go and kill herself. Even though I know that wouldn't be my fault, per se, it is more than I can bear to have on my conscience. So we get to schedule STD tests now and hope that this bastard OM hasn't given her/us anything as a souvenir. Even though I already knew that they had sex without her testifying to the fact, I didn't realize it would hurt this bad. I feel destroyed, like DDay all over again only with a sharper edge to the pain. I just long for the day that I can feel something aside from anger and sadness. I think if it weren't for the kids, I would have lost it long ago. I will not be taking the kids for DNA testing; that reaction is a bit over the top. There is no doubt that they are mine and this behavior has been out of character for my wife throughout our entire relationship up until now. I honestly believe that she is going through a manic episode and fell prey to an OM with narcissistic personality disorder. This in no way alleviates her guilt in this matter, but all signs point to it as a likely explanation. I have no idea what is going to happen next. If she continues to spiral into suicidal ideation and depression, I am going to be forced to call mobile crisis and see if she needs inpatient care. This is one nightmare that just goes deeper and deeper. I can't believe what my life has turned into. It's just hard to see much of anything through this haze of pain right now. I apologize if any of this seems maudlin. Edited December 11, 2014 by duckrabbit more to say
jnel921 Posted December 11, 2014 Posted December 11, 2014 DR, your W had an A. You busted her and she is continuing to lie. A WS reactions to the discovery is telling. So is the behavior of the BS. You say you want to do this that and the other but haven't done anything. Getting them both on the phone is ridiculous. You need to address your WW and only her. If she is done, then she needs to prove that. If she is remorseful and wants to stay in the M she needs to show that. OM is not a factor anymore and should not be given any more attention. Her concern and continual texting or emailing this guy only proves that she doesn't care. As long as you do NOTHING this won't change and all she will understand and do like a lot of way wards do is have their cake and eat it too. You are looking for excuses, meanwhile your WW never once considered your feelings and from what you wrote still doesn't. Not sure if it takes you catching her in bed with this guy to be affected but for some reason I believe you wouldn't be phased by that either. Get IC immediately. Good Luck. 1
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