duckrabbit Posted December 10, 2014 Posted December 10, 2014 Hello. I had a post on here that was accidentally cross posted and was deleted. Anyhow, it has been a week since I confronted my spouse for an affair that has lasted two months mostly over the internet and phone. It became physical when he was in town on business. Although we have had plenty of conversations and she has given me passwords for all known email accounts as well as her phone, she has contacted him since the confrontation. It was made clear that no contact was the rule from now on, but this has been broken. All of her words are reassuring that she wants to fix things and repair what damage has been done to our marriage, but her actions are telling me differently. We have three kids together and I need to do what is best for them. At this point, I want to trace their newest communication to see if it continues and then use that as evidence to ask her to leave. I also plan on calling his spouse today. Does anyone have further advice for me here?
jm2013 Posted December 10, 2014 Posted December 10, 2014 You already have enough evidence to tell her to leave. She cheated on you and broke NC. How do you know it was only two months? It seems like it would be a longer relationship if she broke NC. It is obvious she has feelings for this other guy to further jeopardize her marriage with you to keep communication open. Did you have her tested for STDs? Are you in counseling?
Author duckrabbit Posted December 10, 2014 Author Posted December 10, 2014 The chat logs only go back to the beginning of October. They only met in July and she has sworn that nothing started until October. I haven't had her test for STDs yet, though I probably should considering she hasn't fully confessed to sex, just making out and touching. It is hard for me to believe that there was only that level of interaction involved given the intensity of their other communications. She already has a private therapist and I am hoping we can start MC next week.
Michelle ma Belle Posted December 10, 2014 Posted December 10, 2014 Hello. I had a post on here that was accidentally cross posted and was deleted. Anyhow, it has been a week since I confronted my spouse for an affair that has lasted two months mostly over the internet and phone. It became physical when he was in town on business. Although we have had plenty of conversations and she has given me passwords for all known email accounts as well as her phone, she has contacted him since the confrontation. It was made clear that no contact was the rule from now on, but this has been broken. All of her words are reassuring that she wants to fix things and repair what damage has been done to our marriage, but her actions are telling me differently. We have three kids together and I need to do what is best for them. At this point, I want to trace their newest communication to see if it continues and then use that as evidence to ask her to leave. I also plan on calling his spouse today. Does anyone have further advice for me here? I think this says it all. Actions speak louder than words after all. I'm not sure why you feel the need to waste anymore time and energy tracing anything back. She not only broke NC but broke yet another promise to you and your family. How much evidence do you need to go through with what you already feel is right? I know this is a very difficult and heart wrenching time in your life but don't be the fool who hands out multiple chances to someone who may not deserve them. Good luck. 1
jm2013 Posted December 10, 2014 Posted December 10, 2014 What do you mean intensity of their conversations? Are they professing loves or just sexual things they'd do together? Expect to be trickle truth. DO NOT rely on your wife for answers. You will never get them and she'll continuously minimize what was really done. I'm sorry you're going through this right now.
TrustedthenBusted Posted December 10, 2014 Posted December 10, 2014 You don't need anything else. None of it matters in court anyway. That said, you are in Crazyville right now. The first week, two weeks, three months....it's Crazyville, so I wouldn't rush to any major decisions. You're still too pissed off. I have mixed feelings about telling his spouse. Not sure it helps YOUR situation, so you have to ask yourself why you are doing that. Is it to hurt him? I assure you, it will hurt his spouse far more. Is it to get him to stop focusing on your wife? he may get tossed out, and focus on your wife 100% more. Generally I lean toward exposing all cheaters, and alerting all BS's. But I just didn't make any of those big decisions in Crazyville.
TrustedthenBusted Posted December 10, 2014 Posted December 10, 2014 Oh, and I got WW and OM on the phone together and told them both if there was so much as a text message of a smiley face between them, she'd be out on the street, and he'd be in the parking lot looking for his teeth. Next day she emailed him " sorry" and he wrote back. "that's ok, I hope you are ok." that was the last of the communication, but i mean....really?!? Crazyville.
Author duckrabbit Posted December 10, 2014 Author Posted December 10, 2014 Thanks for all of the responses. By intensity, I mean sexual conversations/video chats/phone sex, the whole gamut. I am thinking of calling his wife for a few reasons: a) when my wife first told him no contact, his response was that he would lay low for a few weeks and then she knows how to contact him. This illustrates a total lack of remorse on his part. I don't think he deserves to get away with this. b) Though it will hurt her and I don't want to put anyone through the pain that I now know, I feel like she has a right to know the truth about her husband. If I were in her shoes, I think I would want to be informed. I know I am in Crazyville right now, but I think that acting sooner in regards to contacting his spouse is best. As far as anything concerning my own marriage, I think that giving her the door might be the kick in the pants that she needs to start really being honest with me. I honestly am not sure; that is why I am here unfortunately. 3
Georgia2014 Posted December 10, 2014 Posted December 10, 2014 I read your other post. I'm glad you are telling the betrayed wife today she deserves to know. I'm with other posters your wife broke NC rule with AP. You have every right to ask her to leave now you don't need any more evidence. She's proven she can't be trusted and doesn't care about you or the marriage. You are doing the right thing asking her to leave. 1
Author duckrabbit Posted December 10, 2014 Author Posted December 10, 2014 Oh, and I got WW and OM on the phone together and told them both if there was so much as a text message of a smiley face between them, she'd be out on the street, and he'd be in the parking lot looking for his teeth. Next day she emailed him " sorry" and he wrote back. "that's ok, I hope you are ok." that was the last of the communication, but i mean....really?!? Crazyville. Did you stay true to your word and kick her out?
Georgia2014 Posted December 10, 2014 Posted December 10, 2014 The chat logs only go back to the beginning of October. They only met in July and she has sworn that nothing started until October. I haven't had her test for STDs yet, though I probably should considering she hasn't fully confessed to sex, just making out and touching. It is hard for me to believe that there was only that level of interaction involved given the intensity of their other communications. She already has a private therapist and I am hoping we can start MC next week. Please do make her get checked for STDs. If she refuses to get checked you should have yourself checked for your own piece of mind.
Georgia2014 Posted December 10, 2014 Posted December 10, 2014 Did you stay true to your word and kick her out? I was wondering the same thing. Hopefully he did since she broke NC but I doubt he did.
TrustedthenBusted Posted December 10, 2014 Posted December 10, 2014 Did you stay true to your word and kick her out? No. I didn't find out about the email until over a year later, and at that point, I recognized that she was still in Crazyville ( it was sent the morning after D-Day ) By this time, we were getting back on track, and because she actually admitted to this, and I verified it. I did remain somewhat true to him looking for his teeth though, as I eventually r into him on the street and just saw red. No lost teeth, but I definitely had him at one point in fear for his life and begging. Still one of the most satisfying of all my bad choices. I get that NC means NC, and in my case, I made it CLEAR that I was now in the loop, and it was over. So my wife should have respected that. In situations where the BS expects the WW to just stop returning messages, I think that's unrealistic. The AP needs to hear it from the WS that it's over. Hearing it form the BS isn't enough. 1
Author duckrabbit Posted December 10, 2014 Author Posted December 10, 2014 No. I didn't find out about the email until over a year later, and at that point, I recognized that she was still in Crazyville ( it was sent the morning after D-Day ) By this time, we were getting back on track, and because she actually admitted to this, and I verified it. I did remain somewhat true to him looking for his teeth though, as I eventually r into him on the street and just saw red. No lost teeth, but I definitely had him at one point in fear for his life and begging. Still one of the most satisfying of all my bad choices. I get that NC means NC, and in my case, I made it CLEAR that I was now in the loop, and it was over. So my wife should have respected that. In situations where the BS expects the WW to just stop returning messages, I think that's unrealistic. The AP needs to hear it from the WS that it's over. Hearing it form the BS isn't enough. That sounds like a satisfying bad choice. I tried calling the number that I think is his wife's, but it went to voicemail. The other two numbers that I have for that area code are his cell phone and work place so this number either has to be her cell or a home phone. Ok, so how long would you say Crazyville applies to? My wife has some other mental health issues so our whole marriage is kind of like crazyville. When is too soon to make 'big' decisions?
jm2013 Posted December 10, 2014 Posted December 10, 2014 (edited) If their conversations were that intense with the video, phone etc you could put a guarantee that they have had sex together. Your worst thoughts are most likely true unfortunately. The next steps you take will greatly affect your outcome. If I were you I'd ask her to leave. I made the dumbest decision to leave my home when I found out about my wife's affair. Do not leave your house. See if she can stay with family or something so you can find clarity. You can also ask her for a divorce. The more you make her think you're playing hardball and you're being serious the more she'll get serious. Otherwise you'll be the doormat through this all unfortunately. If I were you I'd contact his wife and let her know everything. She has every right to know what her scumbag husband is up to. This will also place his own life in turmoil on his home field. Keep the little terrorist at bay at home so he can no longer attack your marriage. Really, after that, it's going to be all in your hands on what you can forgive and what you can't. You'll be on an emotional roller coaster for some time so strap in and get ready for the craziest ride of your life. I hope you can find peace sooner than later. I should also add this. If she does leave, I'd try to monitor your wife if you plan to reconcile. What she does then will decide her future with you together if that is what you want. If she leaves, it could be her open door to free communication and sex with the other man. It could also mean she'll do everything she can to show you remorse and want to try and restore her marriage with you. Edited December 10, 2014 by jm2013 1
aliveagain Posted December 10, 2014 Posted December 10, 2014 (edited) Talk to a lawyer, understand your rights and the rights of your children. If you give a condition and a consequence, stand by it. Once you allow the condition to be broken without following through on the consequence you are no longer believable and it's as good as giving them your approval to continue. Make her get tested for all STD's, be sure to tell your doctor why so he does all the necessary tests, they don't always test for herpes. Assume the worst has happened and plan for it because anything coming out of your wife's mouth right now isn't believable. It is up to her to prove she is being truthful. Don't believe too much of what she tells you, believe her actions and if she broke no contact than believe that they are just trying to take this underground and the affair is still going on. Don't expose your sources or they will hide it better. EXPOSE THE OTHER MAN TO HIS SPOUSE, if you want the affair to end than this is a necessary step. She deserves the right to make her own decision regarding her marriage. By withholding the information from her you become their accomplices in deceiving her. Her health is at risk, your wife may not be his first rodeo, there may be other women. It is the right thing to do. If he wants to save his marriage he will throw your wife under the bus. Make sure you have all the truth before you decide on reconciliation and do not reconcile because of children or because of fear, do it for the right reason if that is the path you choose. Independent counselling for her should be an absolute necessary condition of reconciliation. Is she bipolar? Edited December 10, 2014 by aliveagain 2
Author duckrabbit Posted December 10, 2014 Author Posted December 10, 2014 Talk to a lawyer, understand your rights and the rights of your children. If you give a condition and a consequence, stand by it. Once you allow the condition to be broken without following through on the consequence you are no longer believable and it's as good as giving them your approval to continue. Make her get tested for all STD's, be sure to tell your doctor why so he does all the necessary tests, they don't always test for herpes. Assume the worst has happened and plan for it because anything coming out of your wife's mouth right now isn't believable. It is up to her to prove she is being truthful. Don't believe too much of what she tells you, believe her actions and if she broke no contact than believe that they are just trying to take this underground and the affair is still going on. Don't expose your sources or they will hide it better. EXPOSE THE OTHER MAN TO HIS SPOUSE, if you want the affair to end than this is a necessary step. She deserves the right to make her own decision regarding her marriage. By withholding the information from her you become their accomplices in deceiving her. Her health is at risk, your wife may not be his first rodeo, there may be other women. It is the right thing to do. If he wants to save his marriage he will throw your wife under the bus. Make sure you have all the truth before you decide on reconciliation and do not reconcile because of children or because of fear, do it for the right reason if that is the path you choose. Independent counselling for her should be an absolute necessary condition of reconciliation. Is she bipolar? All good ideas, thank you. I think she might be bipolar, yes.
aliveagain Posted December 10, 2014 Posted December 10, 2014 All good ideas, thank you. I think she might be bipolar, yes. It's unfortunately for life, it can be medicated but the medication needs to constantly monitored for possible adjustments. Infidelity is often a symptom but not everyone that is bipolar cheats. She still knows right from wrong. They can get very hyper sexual when they are on a manic high. You have to watch her when she is on a low, she can become very manic depressant even suicidal.
lolablue17 Posted December 10, 2014 Posted December 10, 2014 I can give you some facts.. They had sex and it was before october. You see? And it cost me nothing to know. I just know that cheaters never in life give you the whole truth. Tell you wife that you know she's lying, and you've had enough of her lies. So tell her that she can cancel hes therapist, tell her that you're going to see a lawyer. And yes... another thing. You are going to call the OM's wife. If she wants you to reconsider, she must tell you everything. 1 little lie - and the OM's wife will know everything. You'll see that as much as she doesn't care about you, she cares for him and will do anything to protect him, even if it means she'll have to admit that there was sex. And don't worry, even if she tells you the truth and admits sex, she will lie about other things. So you'll get your chance to tell the OM's wife. What's the rush?
harrybrown Posted December 10, 2014 Posted December 10, 2014 Expose to your family, her family, and the OM's family. This is a tool to stop the A and have your wife wake up and face reality. Sorry you are going thru this. Hope you and your kids will be okay. How old are your kids?
RightThere Posted December 10, 2014 Posted December 10, 2014 I have mixed feelings about telling his spouse. Not sure it helps YOUR situation, so you have to ask yourself why you are doing that. Is it to hurt him? I assure you, it will hurt his spouse far more. I know from my own experience, I wish the OM's wife had contacted me when she figured out her husband was banging my wife. She had at least an 8 month head start on me while I was blissfully in the dark. I'm not sure I would have believed her if she told me then, and I'm sure it would have been very hurtful, but not knowing and having it drag on behind my back for way longer than it should have was much worse. My advice is to let his wife know. She can choose to do what she wants with the information, but I can tell you I wish I would have known. 2
Author duckrabbit Posted December 10, 2014 Author Posted December 10, 2014 The plot thickens: I tried calling OM's wife a short time ago and left a message with her secretary at work. Instead OM himself calls me up, tries to downplay the whole thing and offers some false apologies for any problems it might have caused. Very rehearsed; would have come off as smooth had I now known the complete opposite. I told him that he was a really bad liar, that I had proof of every last thing that happened over the last few months and that his wife deserves to know that he is an unfaithful bastards. He insists that it wasn't cheating but just harmless flirting to which I told him to look up the definition of infidelity and then get back to me. Interesting times! My wife called me a little while after and told me she was proud of how I handled it. Now I am totally not sure of whether I should show her the door later for being the one to initiate contact with him today. For those who asked, my kids are 6, 5 & ten months. So many things to consider...
jm2013 Posted December 10, 2014 Posted December 10, 2014 The plot thickens: I tried calling OM's wife a short time ago and left a message with her secretary at work. Instead OM himself calls me up, tries to downplay the whole thing and offers some false apologies for any problems it might have caused. Very rehearsed; would have come off as smooth had I now known the complete opposite. I told him that he was a really bad liar, that I had proof of every last thing that happened over the last few months and that his wife deserves to know that he is an unfaithful bastards. He insists that it wasn't cheating but just harmless flirting to which I told him to look up the definition of infidelity and then get back to me. Interesting times! My wife called me a little while after and told me she was proud of how I handled it. Now I am totally not sure of whether I should show her the door later for being the one to initiate contact with him today. For those who asked, my kids are 6, 5 & ten months. So many things to consider... Wow. This sounds like what I went through with the OM. I can't believe how far they'll go to make sure their spouse doesn't find out. He is obviously monitoring all of her stuff she this information doesn't get back to her. Like me, you'll have to find alternative means of communication. Unless of course you feel like going to his house. That always seems like a risky confrontational mess that could happen when two unstable people collide.
Author duckrabbit Posted December 10, 2014 Author Posted December 10, 2014 They live in Raleigh. I called his work and left my number. She called him out of concern because she didn't know who I was thinking that her gallant husband would sort it all out. Ha!
TrustedthenBusted Posted December 10, 2014 Posted December 10, 2014 They live in Raleigh. I called his work and left my number. She called him out of concern because she didn't know who I was thinking that her gallant husband would sort it all out. Ha! You mean you called her work? And then she called him? OH man, the party is started now! Lol. I hope he's squirming. On a serious note, don't be surprised if she believes everything he says, and she tells you to F off and leave them alone. 2
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