Should a person have no expectations with OLD?

[spanishchick00]

i've met several guys on OLD only to be let down after the first date. I mean all that wasted on messaging back and forth, texting, then meet where it leads to nothing is a major disappointed. I set the bar sooo high thinking he is the one and its a let down.....

[katinlc]

I started online dating after Thanksgiving last year. I started talking to / dating my current boyfriend at the end of July. In between, there were a lot of first dates and talking and here's what I learned.

 

 

1) Do not spend a ton of time texting, messaging, and talking before meeting up for the first date. Just make sure that you are 1/2way on the same page and meet up - coffee or other quick dates are good, though I also did a lot of dinners. Most did not result in second dates but I still had fun on the first date. I try to meet up within a week of starting to talk so I'm not getting my hopes up that this is the one and wasting a lot of time on something that won't turn out.

 

 

2) Have no expectations that it will lead to anything more than a first date, but be open to more. The only way I could keep my expectations in check was to meet up quickly before I got too invested. I will also say that the more I dated the easier it was to keep my expectations in check.

 

 

3) It can happen. I met my current boyfriend from match. He's exactly what I'm looking for and we are both on the same page relationship wise. Honestly, we are probably going to be married sometime next year. One of my good friends also met her husband on match - so there are success stories out there.

[Frank2thepoint]

i've met several guys on OLD only to be let down after the first date. I mean all that wasted on messaging back and forth, texting, then meet where it leads to nothing is a major disappointed. I set the bar sooo high thinking he is the one and its a let down.....

 

Why were you let down? What was your expectation that you set so high?

[central]

You can't have many expectations if you want to be realistic and avoid disappointment. It sounds like you are creating unrealistic illusions of what people are like before even meeting them - that is a sure recipe for disappointment. Only in-person meetings give you the reality, and it usually takes more than one to get a real sense of someone.

 

I did a lot of pre-screening and pre-meet messaging, to learn some basics. It served me well, but most people don't want to do that - they want to meet. I met about 50 women, all of whom seemed great on paper. However, for most there was no chemistry, or no attraction in person, there was some trait or mannerism or attitude that was a turn off. So, out of 50, I dated perhaps 10, an handful only lasted a few dates, and the rest lasted longer. Eventually, only a couple of those had true long term potential. So, it's a numbers game, really, to find someone with real compatibility and attraction that's mutual.

[Detectingfreak]

I went out with 7 different woman through online dating and one dude (not sure if I am bi sexual or not). One thing I can tell you is doesn't matter the gender they will always let you down.

 

--Keep your expectations very low.

--Never kiss on the first date.

--Never stay out on a date for 6 hours (if theres no connection within the first two, then say you have to go).

--Make sure you both pay seperatly. Wasted so much money paying for different woman on the first date. Now I am paying off stuff.

[Georgia2014]

When I go on a first date I've learned to expect nothing to come from it. I've been only on three dates where the guy wanted to see me again. Even those didn't last long. I've been on God only knows how many first dates only to never hear from them again. I would always leave disappointed when I didn't hear from the guy. So I have a mind frame set of nothing will happen with this first date when I go on a first date so I'm not disappointed when I don't hear from him again.

[d0nnivain]

The only expectation you should have is It's Not Real until you meet.

 

 

You can expectations for the men you have a relationship with but for the 1st meeting with OLD, expect merely that the person will be polite.

[Danda]

I think with dating in general you should just hope to have a good time on the date, but have finding 'the one' as a secondary bonus in the back of your mind.

 

It seems like a lot of both men and women put way too much hope and effort into first dates and then feel bitter, depressed or otherwise upset when it doesn't lead to something more.

 

I think if as a woman, you spend 2+ hours getting ready and fantasizing about the date, you're doing it wrong. If as a man you take every first date to a nice restaurant, drop $40+ on the meals/drinks and spend half the night sweating bullets about saying the right things, you're doing it wrong. (Just my personal opinion, of course, to each their own, truly)

 

I think it's better to either keep it casual, cheap and easy, like going out for coffee just to hey meet someone new and chill for a bit, or to think of something fun you would both enjoy, like hitting up an art museum or a few rounds of laser tag (or whatever floats your boats), so that way even if the other person turns out to be a dud, at least you had a good time doing something you'd enjoy instead of just sitting at home.

 

It's probably different when you ask someone out / get asked out by someone in person who you have known in person for a while, so there is already some level of investment and light bonding, but with online dating it's like it's little more than a randomized crapshoot and you just have to roll with it. So at least have a good time without emptying your heart or your bank in the process.

[ponchsox]

It's dumpster diving. If you dig through enough trash, you might get lucky and find something good. But not likely.

[Michelle ma Belle]

Ah...expectations...the bane of every relationship and the first step towards it's slow and steady demise.

 

It's hard NOT to have some kind of expectation when it comes to finding a compatible partner and starting a new relationship. The key is keeping one's expectations realistic and especially keeping them in check when it comes to dating.

 

If you're out there dating with a even a hint of desperation up your sleeve, it's the kiss of death in my humble opinion. Most people can sense it and even more see it as a HUGE turn off. It also doesn't help that many women date while wearing their fairy tale glasses. Although this may seem to be romantic in the moment it's really just leaving them open for disappointment and often a catalyst for why they become so jaded about love and relationships in the first place. And over thinking things? Yeah, your date doesn't even have a chance and you haven't even walked out your front door yet.

 

These days I think men and women need to date armed with a healthy dose of humor and see every experience (good or bad) as something to learn from particularly about ourselves.

 

The key to dating is to R.E.L.A.X. Honestly. I learned that the hard way. If and when it's right it will fall into place effortlessly. In the meantime, enjoy your life and your freedom and stop pining for someone to complete you. You're wonderful just as you are.

 

Good luck.

[angel.eyes]

I spent almost no time texting or email. That's a complete waste of time IMO. A single email exchange, a text exchange, a phone call, and if it all seemed copacetic, we met for a date--typically dinner plus an additional activity. A few times I met the guy the same day he contacted me (travel schedule constraints), but most commonly we set something up for the upcoming weekend.

 

I had clear expectations of what I wanted in a boyfriend, but zero expectations of any particular first date, other than I planned to have fun, enjoy the date, and learn a little bit more about him.

 

The phone call was critical...that's where I screened out most duds. I had great first dates. Whether we had a second date came down to chemistry. You simply can't determine that until you meet in person.

[mysteryscape]

I've learned the hard way. Don't waste a lot of time texting. Do not construct a fantasy around texting. I'm not even sure a phone call is a good idea. Meet asap with low expectations but an open mind. Like you were meeting someone for the first time at a bar or something. That way you will sometimes get a pleasant surprise. Eventually something might astound you.

[losangelena]

I started online dating after Thanksgiving last year. I started talking to / dating my current boyfriend at the end of July. In between, there were a lot of first dates and talking and here's what I learned.

 

 

1) Do not spend a ton of time texting, messaging, and talking before meeting up for the first date. Just make sure that you are 1/2way on the same page and meet up - coffee or other quick dates are good, though I also did a lot of dinners. Most did not result in second dates but I still had fun on the first date. I try to meet up within a week of starting to talk so I'm not getting my hopes up that this is the one and wasting a lot of time on something that won't turn out.

 

 

2) Have no expectations that it will lead to anything more than a first date, but be open to more. The only way I could keep my expectations in check was to meet up quickly before I got too invested. I will also say that the more I dated the easier it was to keep my expectations in check.

 

 

3) It can happen. I met my current boyfriend from match. He's exactly what I'm looking for and we are both on the same page relationship wise. Honestly, we are probably going to be married sometime next year. One of my good friends also met her husband on match - so there are success stories out there.

 

I couldn't have said it better myself.

 

Keep your expectations LOOOOOOOOOOW.

[Dallers]

99% one nights stands, losers, weirdos, creeps and potential f**k buddies.

 

1% partner/marriage material.

 

I am stuck in the 99% bracket at the moment but had some fun. Better than most I reckon. Going to take a break for Christmas and carry on seeing my casual buddy

[Art_Critic]

I think a person should have realistic expectations, you hear so often that a person sends out 100 emails and gets no responses.. well duh..

 

no effort=no reply...

 

if a person sends out templated emails without reading the profile then they should expect no replies back.

 

If a person doesn't meet the persons given in-profile requirements then expect no reply back..

 

etc etc ...

 

If you email someone for 6weeks and then meet them there will be false expectations already set.. that is a toughie to not do but you have to at least be aware that you are setting yourself up for a failure bu not meeting quickly.

 

As far as expectations of the person you meet.. it is the same as normal dating.

[elaine567]

Going to take a break for Christmas and carry on seeing my casual buddy

 

Could your "casual buddy" perhaps be sabotaging your dating?

In that your attentions are really elsewhere and not on the dates...

[GemmaUK]

I never have expectations with OLD when I use it.

 

 

Why would anyone?

 

 

Until you meet a person you have no idea if there is attraction or anything at all!

 

 

After meeting it's still 'dating' so again you are still sussing out whether you are or are not compatible.

 

 

I am luke warm always when I meet someone. I have no idea whether we'll get along. I don't understand the expectation of things being more.

[SincereOnlineGuy]

 

Should a person have no expectations with OLD?

 

i've met several guys on OLD only to be let down after the first date. I mean all that wasted on messaging back and forth, texting, then meet where it leads to nothing is a major disappointed. I set the bar sooo high thinking he is the one and its a let down.....

 

 

As with everything on the internet, a person into OLD should focus some thought on the complete opposite impact others have on the human mind, between real-life encounters and online encounters:

 

 

You started your job at company A, and worked there for 16 months before they hired some seeming schmuck in the mail room, who was awkward at first, and often the subject of breakroom conversation and giggling. A couple of years and promotions later, and he was working his way toward middle management, dressing nicer, and maturing a bit, and you were aware OF him all along.

 

Suddenly you took to him, and after some hesitation relating to dating where you work, you became a couple, and you were considerably comfortable with him in all areas aside from SOME remaining awkwardness relating to workplace dynamics.

 

 

On the net, whether you meet someone in a chatroom, or via OLD, you let yourself sift and sift and maintain high standards (based only on the data that your mind and eyes can know ahead of time). Being a woman, you find the human games there considerably rigged in your favor, and you don't hesitate to move-on to the next profile if you see a noteworthy flaw.

 

BUT, on the net, everybody starts out something near to perfect, and only then do you chip-away at that perfection, while eventually sculpting a random, usually-decent human being. The mind is much more happy and willing to move nearer to seeming 'perfection' than it is to a real, random human being.

 

Think of a blind encounter in a chatroom, perhaps sparked by a love for a favorite soccer/football team, and a stirring conversation that followed. You began with a solid 'rock' of (your imagination)... and each time he mentioned unique-seeming characteristics like his habit of leaving dirty socks all over the house, you used that to happily/eagerly remove some of the perfection you'd painted while moving nearer to an actual, random character. Later on his stack of flaws would annoy the heck out of you - yet because your mind craved something unique and individual with which to replace the almost-dull-seeming *perfection*, you were glad to build his character by learning of that and other small-ish flaws.

 

Yet because his seeming flaws were dished-out to your mind, one-tiny-one-BY-one-tiny-one, it became vastly easier to appreciate and remain intrigued by this random guy... than it would be IF you first chanced upon his OLD profile, and found it to pass your first set of standards, only to then find yourself giving-in to his haste to talk on the phone, and further haste to MEET in real life. (**and I don't mean *haste* in the way where it was all too obvious that he only wanted to bone you - I mean, *haste* in the way that FAR too many in OLD/online waters have, merely for racing right out and {making it plain obvious that they are empty of thought or perhaps SO socially awkward/nervous, that they never should have embarked on such an endeavor} ) (the main upside to the online world is that you CAN learn enough of the 'pawns' in the lives of one another, in order to keep good and steady conversation flowing all evening long, PROVIDED you weren't foolish enough to meet way too early)

 

Of course it was for safety's sake that you met at a crowded and awkward venue... but it couldn't be your venue, because then your friends and regular hangers-on, would know of your delving into the OLD waters... so it had to be something you didn't/barely know, and that only added to the drab experience of learning that HE had virtually nothing to say in person, and that it was clear why he was there on OLD in the first place.

 

 

So if your mind could find a happy medium between the two, THEN it would be best conditioned to woo you a mate.

 

In brief, though, nearly all of us yearn for a true, random-but-unique-and-special mate to live out our lives with, but we are typically too (uncomfortable) to recognize the randomness that we want right in front of us.

 

 

 

If I were a woman playing the OLD game (for whom numbers are much more favorable than they are to men)... I would basically drop any guy who was for any reason in too great a rush to meet IRL. Obviously you could miss a lot of one-night stand material that way, but also you would avoid those who just don't have the depth to engage your mind for a month or a lifetime.

 

And y'know, some people back in school were great at studying for tests, and while perhaps they weren't always the brightest students, their strong ability for studying saw them through near the top of the curve... if those same people can 'study' you, and keep their facts/awareness in order for long enough to first woo you to a real-life meeting, and share an engaging conversation... leading to a couple of more dates... and continued intrigue for one another... then LET IT BE their knack for facts, and memory, that slowly allows you to share your vulnerability, and know the shared comforts which go with it. He doesn't have to be the most sought-after kid in the class. {just somebody who made a sincere effort}

[HazyCosmicJive]

i've met several guys on OLD only to be let down after the first date. I mean all that wasted on messaging back and forth, texting, then meet where it leads to nothing is a major disappointed. I set the bar sooo high thinking he is the one and its a let down.....

 

I don't waste my time with OLD. It may seem to be more efficient, but is it really? Sure, it's easier to meet someone and get a first date, but I think meeting in person is more likely to lead to something. I think I would get tired of it pretty fast.

[Ninjainpajamas]

i've met several guys on OLD only to be let down after the first date. I mean all that wasted on messaging back and forth, texting, then meet where it leads to nothing is a major disappointed. I set the bar sooo high thinking he is the one and its a let down.....

 

Don't worry....you'll be multidating like a pro in no time..this how nearly every girl starts out.

 

you'll be like a fast food drive-thru...one customer after another...all within 30 seconds...

 

No messages, no small talk, just pure in person chemistry baby!

 

And if that doesn't work out its ok...you have two other dates within the next 2 days..

 

Because you deserve it

[mysteryscape]

If I were a woman playing the OLD game (for whom numbers are much more favorable than they are to men)... I would basically drop any guy who was for any reason in too great a rush to meet IRL.

 

I completely disagree. I've learned the hard way not to waste a huge amount of time and emotional energy texting. From now on, it's meet quickly IRL or move on.

[mysteryscape]

Don't worry....you'll be multidating like a pro in no time..this how nearly every girl starts out.

 

you'll be like a fast food drive-thru...one customer after another...all within 30 seconds...

 

No messages, no small talk, just pure in person chemistry baby!

 

And if that doesn't work out its ok...you have two other dates within the next 2 days..

 

Because you deserve it

 

She doesn't have to be so cynical. She could cut out all the texting etc. and just meet quickly. No need to go the multidating route if she doesn't want to (and I think most women don't).