DontBreak Posted December 10, 2014 Posted December 10, 2014 (edited) hello there I'm not gonna bore you guys wit the whole history basically after 9 long months of us going back and forth i told my ex i needed to delete her from everything. i said Its not fair on either of us and its making me act like somebody I'm not, so yes I've implemented NC there was no had feelings we both agreed that it was me who needs it i do. basically I'm the fist guy she introduced to her kids - there dad left them along time ago so she was always weary aout bringing a new guy into the fold it was six months before i saw her kids and i respected that i still do. i grew to love them as my own and i know they all love me even when we were not at our best she would still let me see the kids and when we do see each other its great - as i said they aren't my children but see told me on numerous occasions how much they love me anyways obvious with us being in no contact (for the greater good) i already have the kids xmas presents its not the kids fault me and there mum aren't together anymore - would it be ok to post the kids xmas presents to there home address i won't be contacting the ex and i do miss the kids and id feel awful - any advice would be great thank you Edited December 10, 2014 by DontBreak
Zahara Posted December 10, 2014 Posted December 10, 2014 The best thing for you to do in your efforts to move is to also cut complete contact with the children. Granted you love them and they love you but you're only causing the kids more confusion in their lives by still having a foot in the door. They may receive the gifts and be upset that you're not there, or want to speak to you and keep contact, etc. Let them detach and let them move on. Children move on faster than you think and if you want what's best for you and them, you should keep moving forward with NC. If you send the gifts, you're going to be sitting there wondering if she's going to respond by thanking you, if she doesn't respond you'll be upset that she didn't even thank you or if there is no response you'll be wondering if she received it and if you should call and ask. All not in your favor. There is going to come a time when she is going to start dating another man that will be a part of her kids lives and they will move on. You will meet someone else and move on. It was a relatively short relationship with issues, so let it go. Move on and heal without the effects of any triggers and reminders. 3
Satu Posted December 10, 2014 Posted December 10, 2014 The best thing for you to do in your efforts to move is to also cut complete contact with the children. Granted you love them and they love you but you're only causing the kids more confusion in their lives by still having a foot in the door. They may receive the gifts and be upset that you're not there, or want to speak to you and keep contact, etc. Let them detach and let them move on. Children move on faster than you think and if you want what's best for you and them, you should keep moving forward with NC. If you send the gifts, you're going to be sitting there wondering if she's going to respond by thanking you, if she doesn't respond you'll be upset that she didn't even thank you or if there is no response you'll be wondering if she received it and if you should call and ask. All not in your favor. There is going to come a time when she is going to start dating another man that will be a part of her kids lives and they will move on. You will meet someone else and move on. It was a relatively short relationship with issues, so let it go. Move on and heal without the effects of any triggers and reminders. I agree 100%.
Author DontBreak Posted December 10, 2014 Author Posted December 10, 2014 thank you guys I'm gonna feel like such a mean ******* for this but thank you as for relationship I'm not sure if i mentioned it was 2 years the back and forth has been 9 months
Zahara Posted December 10, 2014 Posted December 10, 2014 thank you guys I'm gonna feel like such a mean ******* for this but thank you as for relationship I'm not sure if i mentioned it was 2 years the back and forth has been 9 months Don't feel that way. In the long run it is going to be the best thing for you and those children. 1
lauri Posted December 10, 2014 Posted December 10, 2014 Don't feel that way. In the long run it is going to be the best thing for you and those children. I agree with this. The best thing to do is cut the children off too. I know this is hard but it'll be the best long term for them. Once she brings home another guy to meet them (if she hasn't already), it'll be very confusing for these kids and actually make them feel conflicted. I don't think it'll be fair for them so the best thing to do is move forward and not look back. 3
Author DontBreak Posted December 10, 2014 Author Posted December 10, 2014 Thanks again guys IT just seems so cold over the holidays & all considering they are the innocent party and considering me & ex have parted on amicable terms I'm not trying to creep back into there life was just a little gift id already brought Anybody else been in a situation like this it's breaking my heart
Elle1975 Posted December 10, 2014 Posted December 10, 2014 Unless her kids live on a low income, do a good thing and donate the gifts to a poor family. They have ads all over the radios, or you can google it. 1
amaysngrace Posted December 10, 2014 Posted December 10, 2014 Put the gifts in the trunk of your car for now. You'll give them away to the exact right people when the time is right but they have to be with you at all times so stick them in the trunk of your car. 2
Zahara Posted December 10, 2014 Posted December 10, 2014 Thanks again guys IT just seems so cold over the holidays & all considering they are the innocent party and considering me & ex have parted on amicable terms I'm not trying to creep back into there life was just a little gift id already brought Anybody else been in a situation like this it's breaking my heart And yes, I was in a situation like yours. Hence, the advice. It will get better. You have to think -- what happens on their birthday, next X'mas, etc. You're going to keep sending them gifts from afar while they wonder where you are? What happens if she dates another man and he doesn't like you sending them gifts? Do you want to receive notice to stop? Part of me wanting to do the same was because I wasn't able to let go and it also gave me a reason to show ex I still cared and in some fashion feel validated. This is about YOUR discomfort in dealing with YOUR feelings of detaching. This isn't about the children. If this was about the children, you will understand that the best thing is to let them detach and move on. It's not a matter of whether you are creeping back into their lives but moreso doing what's best for your healing and what's best for them to move on regardless of what happened between you and your ex. You need to start focusing on the big picture. Donate those gifts to a shelter for orphans, return them to the store, give them to the neighbors kids, store them away for a next time a child may cross your path. 2
Author DontBreak Posted December 10, 2014 Author Posted December 10, 2014 Thankyou guys I really couldn't care less if she messages me over it but I hear what your saying this is all new to me I've given myself a target of 60 days no contact I've got some goals I want to focus on so I'm looking at them Has anybody here just reached out as friends first here? I want to be at a point where We can be friends without the attraction like before we went out - Is it just something you feel when the time is right or do you wait for them to contact ?
Zahara Posted December 10, 2014 Posted December 10, 2014 (edited) I've given myself a target of 60 days no contact I've got some goals I want to focus on so I'm looking at them Remove the 60 days of no contact because that will keep you focused on counting days and it will make you force your healing -- if you have goals, focus on getting them accomplished regardless of a timeline. I want to be at a point where We can be friends without the attraction like before we went out - Is it just something you feel when the time is right or do you wait for them to contact ? You can only be friends when the emotional attachment is no more, especially when you hear about her being in a relationship and it doesn't bother you anymore. When you can feel that way, being friends can be a possibility. Why did you end the relationship? Edited December 10, 2014 by Zahara 1
Author DontBreak Posted December 10, 2014 Author Posted December 10, 2014 I didn't end it she did She has had a messed up childhood and I mean really messed up And she said (I remember it like IT was yesterday) That at a certain point of a relationship the walls just come up I have Her space and IT went down to us seeing each other every other Monday So that coupled with me having some financial troubles losing my house I started to lean on her for support (not money wise) I just felt embarrassed that I had to move into the parents again (I'm back in my own place and back on my feet - financially anyways) so yes her putting the walls up and needing space just as I suppose I needed her support - timing didn't help She needed space because of her own demons and I wanted her love so to speak - it was never a nasty breakup But she always says when she felt is creeping back she puts her gaurd up and goes stone cold and says it's not fair on Me 1
Zahara Posted December 10, 2014 Posted December 10, 2014 In that sense, it would be better to block her and move on. Until she gets help and works on her issues with how she handles relationships and conflict, her issues will always resurface. The best thing for you to do is move on.
Author DontBreak Posted December 10, 2014 Author Posted December 10, 2014 I guess Most guys will be doomed it hits a saturation point I don't want to be in a relationship which I know has an expiry So I'm hoping some day for friends I've no desire to be relationship with Her I've deleted her(not blocked) deleted her number 1
Zahara Posted December 10, 2014 Posted December 10, 2014 I guess Most guys will be doomed it hits a saturation point I don't want to be in a relationship which I know has an expiry So I'm hoping some day for friends I've no desire to be relationship with Her I've deleted her(not blocked) deleted her number Well, as I said "friends" is not something that happens after 60 days of no contact or when someone makes contact. The ability to become friends comes when two people have fully moved on with their lives, when hearing that they are in a relationship with someone new doesn't even make you flinch. People that are hurt and coming out of a relationship hold the "friend" card because in the midst of their pain, it's the only false hope they have to keep that person in their lives. And that is because the thought of never seeing or talking to this person and the fear of letting go is a very scary thought. The finality is daunting. Kick the "friends" out of your head and focus on your goals. In time when you are healed and getting to a point of indifference, you may not even be interested in being friends. 1
BC1980 Posted December 10, 2014 Posted December 10, 2014 I agree with not contacting the kids again. I was close to my ex's son, and his mom had died years earlier. So I was basically the mom for 3 yrs. It's probably harder for us to let go of the attachment than the kids, but you can't contact them again. It's just one of the bad parts of breaking up with kids involved. I posted here about sending a birthday gift and got the same advice unanimously. It's good advice. 1
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